The best 2023 fantasy baseball team is a misnomer. Thankfully, none of us know what misnomer means. Sounds to me like someone tentatively wants to date the Travelocity Gnome’s daughter, “Miss Gnome, er, you wanna grab some boba and chill?” Miss Gnome brushes back her hair and bats her eyelashes that are almost as long as her two-and-half foot body, “I’d love to,” but her voice is high-pitched, which is a turnoff, so you cancel plans with her repeatedly until she gets the hint. Sorry, Miss Gnome, gotta ghost ya because I like my women’s voices low like their stature. Any hoo! So the title is hyperbole. What was I gonna say, “The Mostly Kinda Good Fantasy Baseball Team?” You’ll get over your scoffing; I have faith in you. This is the best 2023 fantasy baseball team that I can put together when drafting from my top 100 for 2023 fantasy baseball and top 500 for 2023 fantasy baseball. Honestly, I could draft another 25 teams from those lists, and they’d all be different, but equally terrific…Well, one of the twenty-five would only be sorta terrific, but it would be really hard to tell which one that is. If I took Matt Olson in the 3rd round, everything after would change. If I took Trea Turner in the 1st round, everything after would change. I’ve previously gone over my 2023 fantasy baseball draft prep for the first few rounds and pitchers pairings. For this exercise, I’m taking Yordan Alvarez in the first, because, well, people complained previously I always did this post by taking the first pick, so I’m switching it up, like when you combover your hair right instead of left. My “Best Fantasy Baseball Team” from last year is hilariously awful, and I’ll show you that team later in this post. Oh, it’s so so so so so so bad. I mean, it puts everything in question. Like, was I dropped on my head last preseason?
So, for this best fantasy baseball team exercise, until pick 100, I’m taking one guy somewhere in every fifteen picks. It would be nice if I was in a league where someone drafted Gerrit Cole and Burnes in the first two rounds and I was able to take Bo Bichette in the 2nd round (which is likely in some leagues), but since Yordan and him are in my first 15 picks, according to the rules I’ve set up for myself, I can’t take them both. Then, as we all know, once you get into the 100s, there’s wide gaps between ADP and where players are actually taken. People tend to look at team need over value. So for this exercise, once I get to pick #100, I’m going to pick two players every twenty picks. Finally, because there is so much latitude in the latter rounds, I gave myself free rein to fill up my team after pick 200. Throughout the draft, I also gave myself the ability to reach to a lower draft pick, but not reach forward. Or reach around, if you’re feeling frisky. It should still be my ideal team…or not. Let’s see, shall we? Bee tee dubya, this team is a 12-team, 5×5, one catcher, 5 OFs, MI, CI, 1 UT, 9 P, 3 bench, just like the Razzball Commenter Leagues (go sign up, you Big Chungus). Anyway, here’s the best 2023 fantasy baseball team:
C: Tyler Stephenson (18)
1B: Pete Alonso (2)
2B: Jazz Chisholm Jr. (3)
SS: Wander Franco (7)
3B: Jose Miranda (12)
CI: Josh Jung (15)
MI: Gleyber Torres (6)
OF: Yordan Alvarez (1)
OF: Jake McCarthy (9)
OF: Oswaldo Cabrera (14)
OF: Lane Thomas (17)
OF: Juan Yepez (19)
Util: Ezequiel Tovar (21)
P: Max Scherzer (4)
P: Max Fried (5)
P: Joe Ryan (8)
P: Clay Holmes (10)
P: Chris Bassitt (11)
P: David Bednar (13)
P: Paul Sewald (16)
P: Merrill Kelly (20)
P: Bailey Ober (22)
Bench: Aaron Bummer (23), Evan Phillips (24), Andres Munoz (25)
SO, THIS TEAM WAKES ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND SAYS, “YOU JUST WON THE LOTTERY,” BUT IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU ACTUALLY CAN DRAFT THIS TEAM?
No. Sorry, I don’t mean to be short with you like Jose Altuve. Here, let me explain it to you with a long-form answer: Noooooooooooo. As I said in the opening, this is an exercise to give you an idea of a team I wouldn’t kick out of bed. With this exercise, I don’t look at ADP, so it’s nice that I think I can draft all of these guys where I have them ranked, but invariably some buster enters the draft room, takes, say Pete Alonso before I can and this team immediately becomes impossible. Out of 1,000 drafts, maybe you could draft this team once, and, if you’re drafting 1,000 times, make sure to take some Vitamin D, because you’re severely lacking in exposure to the sun. For every pick that might not be there for me to take, there’s other guys like Gleyber Torres, who you could wait on a little longer on. So, Grey’s rankings Gwyneth and they taketh away her acting career after the age of 40. Because I just have to share with you this little tidbit — a tiddiebittie? — my “best” team post last year was so comically awful. Here’s my team I wrote up in this post last year:
C: Sean Murphy (22)
1B: Pete Alonso (3)
2B: Ketel Marte (5)
SS: Wander Franco (2)
3B: Luis Urias (14)
MI: Gleyber Torres (15)
CI: Eduardo Escobar (16)
OF: Ronald Acuña Jr. (1)
OF: Jared Walsh (6)
OF: Jarred Kelenic (8)
OF: Trent Grisham (11)
OF: Austin Hays (21)
UTIL: Jeremy Pena (19)
P: Freddy Peralta (4)
P: Shane McClanahan (7)
P: Ryan Pressly (9)
P: Framber Valdez (10)
P: Scott Barlow (12)
P: Ranger Suarez (13)
P: Noah Syndergaard (17)
P: Jake McGee (18)
P: Aaron Civale (20)
Bench: Pierce Johnson (23), Joe Barlow (24), Tyler Wells (25)
Sorta beyond the point, but who the hell is Tyler Wells?! Haha! Pierce Johnson? Yo, Grey, you walking funny? Don’t be Prince Albert’ing your junk. Jared Walsh? More like Jared Washed. Jarred Kelenic? More like drinking a jarred colonic.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Go ahead, laugh it up.
IS THIS SERIOUS?!
It is.
OH MY GOD, YOU’RE SUCH A GIANT DUMMY.
So, the hitting is a bit of a mess, and the pitching wasn’t much better. The biggest takeaway for me is–
IGNORE EVERYTHING YOU SAY?!
Tough, but fair. Biggest takeaway is shizz happens. There was no one last year at this time that thought I put together the worst team ever. Coin flips go the wrong way some times, and a lot of these are coin flips.
YOUR ACE WAS FREDDY PERALTA! THIS WILL NEVER GET OLD!
That’s actually a good point, Mr. Al Capps. Shane McClanahanananananan did more than make up for him, and Framber Valdez and Ranger Suarez weren’t awful. The bullpen was solid: Pressly and Barlow, and in a 12-team, mixed league, you don’t need much else. You can figure out the rest off waivers. The hitting might’ve been harder to figure out off waivers.
YOU DON’T SAY?!
Okay, putting aside last year’s team, and looking at this year’s. While doing this exercise, I went through my top 500 first, then went back and entered my team into the War Room, and discovered this is a team I apparently like more than the War Room:
C’MON, LET’S HEAR SOME EXCUSES!
Fine! In fairness to my team, I like a bunch of the guys I “drafted” more than Rudy’s projections do, which is a concern, because I do trust Rudy’s projections. Anyone who has played around with the War Room knows, there’s a few guys who are negatives, and they bring down your overall totals. Also, anyone who’s played in a Razzball Commenter League knows players are fluid. For unstints, I like Oswaldo Cabrera, wrote an Oswaldo Cabrera sleeper, but Rudy’s projections hate him and he’s bringing down my overall numbers. Same with Juan Yepez and my Jose Miranda sleeper. Last year, Jeremy Pena was bringing down my War Room totals, and this year Rudy’s got him in his top 100. Cust kayin’. Also, as mentioned, I drafted, then went back and entered my team into the War Room, which is bassackwards. If I were using the War Room, as it’s intended — while actually drafting — I likely would’ve drafted heavier on strikeouts, and less on WHIP. That shows you though, that even someone like me can’t eyeball everything.
So, the War Room totals look janky, but the team, to my eyes, looks like the Best Fantasy Baseball Team–
YES, JUST LIKE LAST YEAR’S! BY THE WAY, I’M STILL LAUGHING AT YOU.
For s’s and g’s, go to my top 500 and put your best fantasy baseball team into the comments below, using the rules I set out in the opening — one player every 15 picks until 100, then two every twenty picks, then anyone after 200 overall.
