Here’s a post that’s gonna make you wanna slap ya mama and tell her Don Magic Juan sends his best. By the by, true story: I was once hired to write award show jokes for Don Magic Juan and he was so stoned I did nothing and he just laughed for two hours. Any hoo! The other day I told you how to draft your pitchers for 2023 fantasy baseball. I laid it out to you nice and simple (if you have a degree in “What The Hell Is Grey Talking About?” Not a PhD, mind you. Just a BS.) Today, we forget all that jabberwocky on the who-ha and get down to business old school-style (which means if you don’t comprehend, I will hit you over the head with a baseball bat signed by Joe Clark.) What I’m hoping to lay out to you is who do you draft 2nd, if you’ve drafted so and so first. For easy reference, the royal we will be using the top 10 for 2023 fantasy baseball, top 20 for 2023 fantasy baseball, and the beginning of the top 100 for 2023 fantasy baseball. I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5, MI, CI, 5 OF, 1 Utility, 1 Catcher league, similar to our Razzball Commenter Leagues. (Sign up for multiple leagues, and beat the heck out of your frenemies or make new frenemies!) Anyway, here’s some pairings for the first two rounds of 2023 fantasy baseball drafts:
1. Trea Turner – Metaphorically, I just cracked my knuckles. Did you hear me? That was a rhetorical on my metaphorical! Why I ranked Treat Urner 1st overall is the five category nomnomnom. Ya know what’s kinda funny in a sobbing-I’m-crying way? Last year, I told you to draft Treat, then draft an outfielder (I will tell you the same this year), and the outfielders I told you to draft with him were Teoscar, Eloy, Tyler O’Neill or Aaron Judge. Woof, woof, woof, wooooooo! Man, the 2nd round was an absolute field of landmines that not even the Ghost of Lady Di would traverse. Believe that! Also, I then went on to say Treat could also be paired with a corner man (still true!), and said Olson and Alonso, so it wasn’t all batshizz, cuckoo-for-crackers. As for a pairing this year, Treat brings speed first, average second and power third, all with middle infield eligibility, so gotta pair that with an outfielder or corner man once again. This year I’d go Treat and Trout, which sounds like this new place that sprung up by house where they put ice cream inside of a fish (not lying, though leaving out critical information that the fish is made of waffles). Treat and Devers? Welp, you just won your league and it hasn’t started yet. Treat and Goldy? Are you trying to seduce me? Treat and Michael Harris II? Nah, because they’re both kinda the same stats. Go for more power with your 2nd pick. Treat and Riley? Absolutely! Treat and Alonso? Abombsolutely!
2. Jose Ramirez – Unlike Treat, Jo-Jo-Ram needs that sweet middle infidel to run off in the night with and dedicate their lives to each other. Of course, a 1st baseman wouldn’t be the death knell, no relation to Nell Carter. By the way, we lost Nell Carter in 2003 and I haven’t been the same since. Two corner men in the 1st two rounds is funky cold medina, but not Spanish Fly as it’s usually known, because you’re gonna be weak in outfield, unless you turn around and take one of thems in round three. My Spidey sense is saying this on the web, so it’s ironic and I think Jo-Jo-Ram and an outfielder or middle infidel is likely best, but wouldn’t kick out of bed Albombso or Olson. Ideally, Jo-Jo and Trout; Jo-Jo and Semien; Jo-Jo and Lindor; Jo-Jo and Fun The Jewels.
3. Shohei Ohtani – The good news is he pairs with literally anyone. The bad news is it’s because he has no eligibility. I haven’t yet bit the bullet train and grabbed Ohtani in any draft, but I kinda want to just to see how it works. Do you just kinda start your draft with your 2nd pick, because you don’t have a position filled yet? I imagine this is how people do when they get all dastardly with themselves and draft a starter early. What Ohtani doesn’t bring with position eligibility, he does bring with The Stats. What does no position eligibility pair with? Everything. Ha, just literally draft anyone next. I will say this, Ohtani’s weakest stat is average, so I’d be careful about pairing him with anyone who might hit .270 or lower. So, prolly do an ixnay on the BombsoAl. Devers would be butter; Semien would be ‘anyone but him.’ Tatis? Thatis good. Riley? Yes, he has a good average. That sorta thing. Trout? Meh, it’s honestly fine to have two guys from the same team, but I don’t want to rely on Luis Rengifo knocking in my first two draft picks.
4. Julio Rodriguez – Thinking about drafting Julio Rodriguez with my first pick, and then immediately yelling, “Whee!” at my computer. What a fun experience it will be when I do it. Karl Marx defined “Drafting Julio Rodriguez with your 1st pick” as “Opium for the masses.” Don’t ask me, it was his thing. So, Jul-Rod is ranked this high because of the OPIUM, MAN! Nah, because he’s great in five categories. That means category-wise he pairs with everyone. Clearly, we don’t want another outfielder, but just about everyone else is green light means go. Au Shizz? Au hell yeah! Tatis? Um, can you imagine drafting Tatis and Jul-Rod on the same team? You would spontaneously combust from your orgasm. Jul-Rod and Devers? For’evers and ‘evers. Jul-Rod and Semien? See what I said for Tatis. Albombso? Alrightso! Literally, anyone but an outfielder.
5. Aaron Judge – You, a man of exquisite tastes, “Am I really drafting the guy who just had the best fantasy baseball season in history with the fifth pick?” Me, a man who taught you such refined tastes, “Yes.” Once again, Judge pairs with anyone, except an outfielder. Where he’s not similar to Jul-Rod is the stats he provides, but, if I’m being honest, and, for the first time ever, interjection, I am being honest, when I say I would go big run-producing bat, even though that’s what Judge gives. I.e., one might think Judge and Albombso is nuts on the power, but I’m stacking ribbies like I’m Tony Roma and taking two big bats with my first two picks. I kinda love the idea of those two from the jump. Also, while on Jump Street, Judge and Devers? Yup, I will figure out steals later. Judge and Semien? Sure, I will figure out steals now. Judge and Riley? Again, just let me draft Jake McCarthy later. So, Judge and any non-outfielder? Absolutely.
6. Yordan Alvarez – As I mention in the top 10 for 2023 fantasy baseball, Captain Woo Cubano is Baby Judge. Or Aaron is Woo Judge. How’sever you want to slice that apple it applies, or apples to applies, and oranges to ambrosia. They’re the same minus a few steals from Judge to Yordong but Yordan has a higher average floor. I love them both. They are my Masked Machines, to give you an old school wrestling reference. So, because of the lack of steals, I might be more inclined to go Semien, Tatis or Bo Bichette. “Now, before you say, Boba Chette? You have them ranked in a way that would be impossible.” True, you smart stuff provider. But Yordan is being drafted on average around the 11 hole and Boba around 14th, so you could hit the turn and both are there. Only guy I would prolly avoid with Yordan is Freddie Freeman. The thought of his 25/.300 with Yordan’s numbers and it feels like average overkill. I wouldn’t give you a demerit if you did it, but I’d try to avoid if I were you.
7. Kyle Tucker – In a lot of ways, Mr. H2H is the most compatible player in baseball. More so than Jul-Rod, maybe, because push comes to shove, Jul-Rod is safer on speed than power, and Mr. H2H just gives you literally one of everything every week. So, besides an outfielder, that Tucker pairs with everything. This is where Rudy’s Draft War Room starts doing a little twirl. You draft Tucker and the War Room says, “Thank you, may I have another.” The war room would be in Horntown, population: 1. Pair Tucker with a pair of golf slacks and he works! So, all the same pairings as Jul-Rod, but, because Tucker is being drafted a hair later, you could even pair him with earlier in the 2nd round bats, such as Cake Batter, Freeman, Boba, Machado or FTJ.
8. Ronald Acuña Jr. – So, this one is going to be a cop-out. Tildaddy can be drafted with anyone like Tucker or Jul-Rod, but let’s be totally serious: We’re not getting him at pick eight. Wait a minute, PICK EIGHT? This is the worst game of Uno ever! You can’t smash or pass even if Tildaddy is still on the board, because there’s no option to smash and/or pass. He’s being drafted at three overall. Not by me, clearly. Hate to be the wet blanket but he’s the one with the “wet newspaper knee.” If, by some incredible wishing well wish, you get Tildaddy at eight, then grab Cake Batter, Freeman, Machado or FTJ next. Notice, I left off Boba, because I don’t want you leaving the 2nd round and potentially only having 30 total homers. Tildaddy and Captain Woo Cubano? I love it, but you are doing some serious wish fulfillment.
9. Bo Bichette – All right, first off, congrats on getting Boba. You and I can now be best friends. After our very formal best friend ceremony, we can draft anything with our 2nd pick, but would veer on the side of corner infidel or outfielder, and one with power first. Do I like Boba and Sexy Dr. Pepper? I’m burping from happiness. What about Boba and Mookie Best? I’d prefer Captain Woo and Boba because Woo has big power, but Boba and Best works, because Boba is the best. Boba and Bobby Witt Jr.? How about we call that pairing: Booby Chitt? No? Okay. For the first time, I’m mentioning BWJ, huh? Yes, because I’m seeing BWJ being drafted around 7th overall, and that means he’s off the board. Boba and Machado? Yes, everyone but a shortstop and try to get a bit more power with Boba.
10. Mookie Betts – He’s nicknamed Best because he is the best (at bowling). Many similarities between Best and Mr. H2H and Tildaddy and Woo and do I have a nickname for literally every player in the top 12? Yes, except for Ohtani and Judge. Though, Jo-Jo-Ram and Jul-Rod are wanting, if I do say. And I do say, while holding my pinkie out while drinking tea. So, Best is the same as all other outfielders mentioned before, but would put him more in the Tildaddy camp, as in I’d want a bit more power with my 2nd pick. So, Best and Cake Batter or Boba? Well, not to keep this just about the Jays, but I’m going Cake there. Best and Machado? Macho me! Best and Albombso? Bombs away (towards me)!
11. Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – We’re now in the top 20 for 2023 fantasy baseball, and where Aaron Judge will be drafted next year. Okay, sorry, but that resonates with me. That and The Last of Us. Cake Batter works with anyone but another 1st baseman, and I don’t mind skipping Freeman. Sadly, no Albombso either. Cake and Machado? Your corners look so good can we be friends? Cake and Sexy Dr. Pepper? I’m sipping soda in line for cupcakes, ya feel me? Cake and Yordan? Honestly, that might be my favorite pairing I’ve mentioned today if you have a late 1st round pick. Take that and order your fantasy baseball trophy now to save money on the October rush. Oh, and draft steals later.
12. Juan Soto – Sexy Dr. Pepper at 12 overall feels like a gift, which I say while blocking out his entire previous year. Anyone above, minus outfielders, drafted with Sexy Dr. Pepper, and you’re playing with house’s money. Give Hugh Laurie back his money! For guys who haven’t been mentioned yet, Pepper goes with all the usual suspects, Benicio del Toro Witt Jr.? Sure, but that’s lip service as mentioned above because Witt’s going before I have him ranked. Pepper and Freeman? Sure, but Freeman looks like he likes his food unseasoned, and that sounds like a good way to get 40 HRs, 5 SBs and .320 from your top two picks combined. Don’t hate the playa, the beach got nothing against you. Pepper and Machado? Uh, I don’t really want to be relying on Jake Cronenworth to drive my guys in. Pepper and Albombso? I’d kiss that pairing it’s so good. Also, it’s not a pipe dream to think you can have Soto and a few guys I have ranked above him. Soto and Cake Batter is very likely and, again, Sexy Dr. Pepper and Boba? Sign me up with a giant straw!
