Major League Baseball isn’t supposed to look this easy this deep into a guy’s career. Miguel Cabrera’s got five homers on the year! Albert Pujols now has more homers than everyone in the league since August 14th, except for Aaron Judge, and he doesn’t have less homers than Judge, he has the same amount! All the hype about Judge and Pujols has same number of homers as Judge over the last six weeks! Pujols is 78 years old, and has 15 homers since August 14th! I don’t care if they’re meatballing him and Rob Manfred is sticking a PEDs needle in Pujols’s butt after he exits the shower. This is incredible. This isn’t supposed to be possible by a guy heading to the grand sunset over the bleachers. Yesterday, Albert Pujols went 2-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, as he hits .268. He’s having a better season than Eloy Jimenez! On top of everything yesterday, Pujols tied Babe Ruth for 2nd on the all-time RBIs list with 2,214. That is such an absurd number of RBIs. Go ahead, and average 110 RBIs for 20 years, and you get close! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Adam Wainwright – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.71. Shame his last home start…Oh, wait, he’s not retiring, is he? Is he hanging out for his 200th win or is he mad that Yadi and Pujols didn’t offer to share their retirement festivities? It’s weird he’s not going out with them, right? Feels like Waino should hang ’em up, but, on other hand, he was like 15 times better than Berrios this year.

Luis Ortiz – 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.50. This start was my fault, I fear. In my iCal, I wrote a reminder to myself saying, “Remember, the Pirates can’t have anything nice when it comes to pitching.”

Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-5 and his 27th homer, hitting .260. Kinda irrelevant if he hits 27 homers or 30 homers, but I bet if he hits 30 homers, his ADP next year will go up by 20 spots. People love themselves some round numbers. That’s why figure skaters do figure eights and not figure sevens.

Sandy Alcantara – Shut down, and won’t make final start on Wednesday. Don Mattingly said, “Tell Grey I’m never growing back my mustache.” WTF?

Pablo Lopez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Marlins bringing their A game to Milwaukee to stop the Brewers’ playoff hopes. Next time you’re going to Milwaukee, bring your Ayyyy game. Maybe the Brewers were preparing for the playoffs by making the Marlins look like they’re as good as the Dodgers. They did a bit too good of a job.

Freddy Peralta – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.58. Not sure where Freddy Peralta will be drafted next year, but how out can one person be? Because I’m that out.

Nestor Cortes – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.44. Watch, next year it’s gonna go like this, “I saw the team you drafted, you’re not worried about having Nestor Cortes as your number one?” Invariably, people say shizz like this. Let’s spell out what they’re actually saying, “Grey, handsome face, but you’re not worried a guy who just had a 2.44 ERA, 0.92 WHIP and 163/38 K/BB is your ace?”

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.99. Not a bad final line for a guy who missed Opening Day, due to a sore shoulder. I wouldn’t have drafted him, due to that, if I hadn’t already by the time it was announced. Score one for drafting early! So, that makes it 1 to 1,923 for “Drafting early” vs. “Late.” Still time to catch up!

Robbie Ray – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.71. As our blurbstomp writer, C.A. James, said, “Robbie Ray giving up a homer to a guy with a .454 OPS on the A’s is pretty good summation of the Robbie Ray 2022 experience.” Yup, you’d think a guy with pants that tight, you wouldn’t be left wanting more, but here we are.

Jesse Winker – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. And y’all told me he retired lats year! Ha, very funny joke!

Shea Langeliers – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, and three homers in the last three games. Guessing I’m gonna have quite a few Shea shares — Sheares? — next year.

Cristian Pache – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. All I’m saying is if the Braves give you away, you’re not good. By the way, member when we thought Billy Beane could find good value anyway? The A’s suck. Is that part of the narrative? To make a real sucky team?

Eric Hosmer – Will be activated on Monday. Don’t count out the Red Sox just yet!

Teoscar Hernandez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 24th and 25th homer, and three homers in the last two games. …and the Teoscar for most garbage time homers goes to…*opens envelope*…La La Land! No! I’m sorry! It’s Teoscar.

Whit Merrifield – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week, and if he was dropped in your league, I could see getting in on him for the final few days, though I’m mostly just looking for available players who have four games in the last three days. Ya know, I got to Haase Eric!

Kevin Gausman – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.35. This is the line I’m expecting from every pitcher on a playoffs-bound team. So: Streamonator non-playoff-bound pitchers, and pray.

Cristian Javier – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.54 vs. Shane McClanahan – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.54. Elias Sports Bureau said, “This was the first time a final matchup ended with two pitchers having a 2.54 ERA that Grey told you to draft in every league.”

Luis Garcia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.72. I get the very real sense that the Astros could win games without trying.

Jeremy Pena – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .252. Just going to randomly point out here that Carlos Correa has 22 homers.

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 19th and 20th steal. Is it just my polluted brain seeing patterns where there are none or are you also worried about this 2nd half by Jose Ramirez?

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, and his 39th homer, hitting .282. Also, in this game, Corey Seager (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 33rd homer. Seager has been healthy, and played all year; Mike Trout has a back condition that has people worried it could send him to early retirement, and he missed all kinds of time. Trout still is absolutely dusting Seager in power and on the Player Rater.

Daniel Vogelbach – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. You ever grab your stomach, start jiggling it and sing, “I’m bringin’ Vogelbach?” Hmm, I guess we’re built different.

Jeff McNeil – 3-for-5 and his 8th homer, hitting .326. When I was a kid, so much was made of batting average titles. I can still remember Carney Lansford chasing Kirby Puckett for the AL batting title, and Wade Boggs eating chicken and Margo Adams, and keeping both honest. Now? Not so much.

Dansby Swanson – 1-for-3 and his 25th homer. Swanson’s fantasy season? May, June and July is doing a lot of lifting.

Matt Olson – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Olson’s fantasy season? Thought of as awful, but was it that bad? Guess if you think of it as awful, it can’t be that great, but was it awful? Am I talking in riddles? Who’s to say?

Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.20. Woof. No way he was winning the AL Cy over Verlander, but he coulda won our hearts with a fantastic final start. Next week I’ll start my recap of the top 20 for each position, and, even with this final meh start, Cease will be top five starter, and I will mention at least fifteen times in my recap how I wrote a sleeper post for him. You can hardly wait. No, you!

Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.99. This was vs. the Padres, and I will say this about the non-NL East Wild Card teams *whispers* They’re not so good.

Elvis Andrus – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Thinking about how I would’ve been better off drafting Elvis Andrus in the 1st round than Tatis, while applying Joker makeup.

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. I can’t believe he’s got an ERA that low, and I have him in a league, and it’s felt like he’s had a 4.25-4.50 ERA for most of the season.

Tyler Anderson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.57. What I said for Luis Garcia? Same for the Dodgers. Just ludicrous what they get from their pitchers. The Dodgers last few years pitchers’ BABIPs are absurd.

Simeon Woods Richardson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.60, as he became the youngest pitcher to appear in the majors this season, according to someone I trust, but that does sound very surprising to me. Secondly, can we please bow our heads and say a few words for the equipment staff who had to put Woods Richardson on his uniform back? Wonder if that person was cheered on by the person who did Kiner-Falefa or Strange-Gordon. Any hoo! Here’s Itch’s thoughts on SWR (Single White Rancher), “One issue the 6’3” 210 lb right-hander has is he presents a fairly standard look to opponents: fastball, curveball, changeup that all move basically how you’d expect them to. It’s a testament to his talent that he misses so many bats. If he can bring the control up a tick or two, his diminished star will regain some shine. I’d like to give Grey a shiner.” Okay, not cool.

Eric Haase – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Haase schmotato alert!

Victor Reyes – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Him and Miguel Cabrera (2-for-4, 1 RBI) have seven homers total in about 700 at-bats.

Logan Webb – Hit the IL with lower back stiffness. Um, okay, do you really need the IL? Can’t you just, like, not do anything for the next three days? Maybe the Giants should check out the Streamonator.

Zack Wheeler – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.82. Selfishly, I want Wheeler to get a few playoff starts so I can see how he looks for next year. Shellfishly, I want to see if he shrimps under pressure.