Aw, man, now we’re left with the ominous team updates of “Giancarlo Stanton is not in lineup, no other news available.” I think I need to have a talk with him. Maybe I’ll hide in the trunk of his car and get out when he parks in his four-car garage, then go in through the kitchen that’s got the espresso machine on the left; not the kitchen with the soft-serve machine. What? I memorized his Cribs episode, I never snuck in his house. So, times are rough for Giancarlo. The Marlins score 13 runs and he’s not even playing. Holy sit! Giancarlo has the lowest batting average for a qualified hitter. Things are so bad, the other day he hit the hardest recorded ball in StatCast history, 123.9 MPH, and it was a double play. Digging through his numbers is a little bit encouraging. His BABIP is way below his career mark; he’s hitting .192, but could hit .250 the rest of the way. You don’t get him for average; it’s homers you desire like I desire him. His ground balls are through the roof. Not literally, unless we’re talking about roofs of ant farms. All he’s hitting is fly balls and ground balls. His line drive rate is poor. He usually kills fastballs. So far, he’s a negative on them. That was his bread and butter, and right now he’s toast. He’s 26 years old; this should be the prime of his beef. Instead, he’s been getting a steady diet of sliders. That’s not real beef! What I think is going on, he’s dealing with some health issues after his collision with OZUNA, he’s not spitting on sliders and waiting for fastballs. Then when he gets a fastball, he hits it hard, but gets unlucky. Can all of this be changed with me appearing mysteriously in his Snuggie? I’m not sure. The health is an unknown question mark. Eventually, he should get luckier and do damage on some fastballs, assuming he’s healthy. I wouldn’t count him out, but health has been an issue for him in the past. If I were able to get a tasty offer for someone buying him, I could see letting him be someone else’s problem. For now, I will wait in his bathroom wearing a shirt that matches his wallpaper, and try to ‘talk’ some encouragement into him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Martin Prado – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, but left the game early because the devil said explicitly, “I’ll let you have a four-hit game, but then I will take your soul.”
Adeiny Hechavarria – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs. That’s a Hechavarria good game!
Ichiro Suzuki – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .350. He’s cruising towards 3,000 hits, and, when he gets there, Jeffrey Loria will ask the city of Miami to buy him a plaque.
Wil Myers – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer. JB and I talk about Myers on the podcast that’s coming later today, and how Myers is nearly the number one 1st baseman on the Player Rater. Yes, above Goldschmidt. Yes, above Rizzo.
Adam Rosales – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. I predict Rosales’s home run on today’s podcast. If you count, “Watch Rosales hit a home run to spite me,” a prediction.
Gerrit Cole – May only miss one turn in the rotation. Buh-buh-buh, what about Taillon?! Oh, wait, three-quarters of the Pirates’ staff is worse than Taillon. Ray Searage needs to stop with the parlor tricks and they need to bring up Taillon!
Juan Nicasio – Will not make his scheduled start today. Do I hear the non-Italian Taillon?!
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.40. When Scherzer first was called up to the majors, I called him Jobacum, because he looked as nasty as Joba Chamberlain and Tim Lincecum. No nickname has dated as poorly since the 1950’s teenager who was good with the ladies that got nicknamed, Liberace.
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .333. Someone, next year, will draft Ramos in the top 120 overall, and say something like, “Well, got my catcher position taken care of.” That poor, misguided soul. And even with ten months lead time, we can’t stop them. Michael Biehn couldn’t stop them.
Ben Revere – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 3rd and 4th steal, hitting .212. Hitting over-.400 in the last week, and finally seems to be less Denard Span’s identical twin who can’t hit and more Denard Span’s identical twin who remembered how to hit.
Jonathan Papelbon – Was unavailable yetserday due to some non-arm-related soreness, according to Dusty. For Papelbon, that could mean an array of things. Anything from his panties were too much in a bunch or he injured his oblique while dancing the jig. Shawn Kelley recorded the save, but Felipe Rivero was warming up the entire inning, in case Kelley got in any trouble and a lefty was up. So, I’d guess Kelley and Rivero would be the committee, with Kelley on the strong side, if Papelbon has more than bunched-up panties.
Kyle Hendricks – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.05. The wind cries nary good.
Addison Russell – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Addison must be Moonlighting as a power hitter because he hit that ball so hard he looked Maddie!
James Shields – 5 IP, 6 ER. Got crushed early, but gutted out a few more innings. Speaking of gutted, how are those April playoff hopes, White Sox fans?
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .264. I’m the supreme reverse jinxer. Who do you need to turn it around? Keuchel? Giancarlo? A Reds closer? Sell, sell and Cingrani!
Dioner Navarro – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Would’ve made a nice batty call. And that’s the only time someone named Dioner will be considered anything that even remotely sounds like booty call.
Brett Lawrie – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs, hitting .242. I don’t even know how to reverse jinx this guy. Do you say he’s been good, bad, terrible, mediocre? I’ve done all of that already.
Adam Eaton – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th steal, hitting .270. Pfft, Villar steals six bases in a game. Nah’mean?! I said, nah’mean!
Victor Martinez – MRI showed no major issues with his knee. The MRI added, “I mean, his knee is old AF though.”
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Listen for the sigh, it should be really loud: Kinsler has more homers than Bryce Harper. Did you hear it? How about now: And more RBIs. Sixty more points in average. Anything? Hmm.
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th steal, hitting .372. Without looking, I’m gonna guess his BABIP is .434. Okay, looking… .425. Close, but over, so TPIR rules.
J.D. Martinez – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs, hitting .279. He has 12 homers and a respectable average, but it feels like he hasn’t even gotten crazy hot yet, and it will come. Could be a solid buy low right now.
Francisco Rodriguez – 1 IP, 2 ER with his first blown save since Opening Day. When he falls asleep, someone needs to write K-Rod on his forehead so he can read it when he looks in the mirror.
Troy Tulowitzki – Will resume activities on Wednesday. That’s good news unless those activities involve his hamstring, thigh, oblique or torso. Or tore-sore, as he calls it.
Maikel Franco – Didn’t start yesterday due to a knee sprain. Here’s hoping he’s fine because I own him and this is all about me.
Ryan Howard – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Tommy Joseph (0-for-4) also played since it was in an AL park, and I believe To-Jo was responsible for Ry-Ho’s ho ru. Not sure how, but he was.
Odubel Herrera – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .316. I’m hesitant to say ODB — Shame on a Herrera, who tried to run game on a Herrera! — has cooled off a lot recently, because he’s still batting around .275 for the month, and after yesterday’s game could be getting hot again.
Jerad Eickhoff – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks in Toronto. You have bowling balls in your gotchies if you started him yesterday. The Stream-o-Nator does like his next start, and could see giving it a whirl.
Cody Asche – 0-for-2, 2 runs and his 3rd steal. Smokey mentioned Asche yesterday in his SAGNOF post, because Asche was close to the leader for the week in steals. Asche doesn’t have blazing speed, or much of any, but what could be happening is, Phils’ manager, Pete Macktheknife said to him something like, “You better manufacture some offense or we’re DFA’ing you. And don’t say it’s more economical to outsource the offense to Odubel.”
Yu Darvish – Hit the DL. The good news is the MRI showed nothing significant with his shoulder. The bad news is he’s on the freakin’ DL with shoulder tightness!
Adrian Beltre – Will be rested until Thursday due to his hamstring. Beltre said, “On a scale of not touching my head to touching my head, this is definitely on the not touching my head side of things.”
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer as he was activated from the DL and hit leadoff. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Gesundheit! Wait, did you say Shin-Soo Choo or sneeze?”
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Ryan Rua – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, two homers in four games but barely batting .200 in the last week. Fun fact! His dad sits him down once a year and tells him, “U R A Rua.” Fun anagrammatic pep talk.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .244. Seriously, look at his numbers and then think about how you keep asking to drop him.
Marcus Semien – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 5th steal, hitting .242. Oh, and as for Semien, that’s five steals to go with his 12 homers. He’s on pace for 27/13 and you want to drop him. This could go for the whole A’s team. Danny Valencia (2-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .338) and you can’t wait until he’s off your team. What’s going on with you people and the A’s? Yes, you people.
Sean Manaea – Left the game with a forearm strain. It’s being called a pronator strain, but I’ve always seen it spelled pro-Nader.
Denard Span – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 3rd homer. Whoa, huge day for Benard Respan.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .300. You know who Belt’s kinda been like this year? Posey (2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI). I think I mean that as a compliment.
Matt Duffy – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 8th steal. Duffy was confusing last year when he hit for power. This year, he’s confusing for whole new reasons. Duffy, “I keep fantasy baseballers on their toes.” Fantasy baseballers, “We prefer to be on our asses.”
Matt Cain – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER as he was activated from the DL. Way to pick up where you left off!
Adam Duvall – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. So, what you’re saying is I should’ve drafted Duvall in the 1st round instead of Stanton. Got it. Loud and clear.
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Now has 21 RBIs. Scrolling to the fifth page of the RBI leaderboard, scanning page for the 153rd best RBI guy, Freeman. Tied with Cervelli, Didi Gregorius, Yasmany Tomas, Aaron Hill and Ryan Howard. Adam Duvall has more than twice as many RBIs as Freeman.
Mallex Smith – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th and 11th steals, hitting .250. Honestly, seriously, awkward sentence intro-ly, Mallex looks like a .180 hitter, i.e., Malsux.
Juan Uribe – Didn’t play yesterday after taking a ball off his family jewels. He’ll treat his jockular sphincteritis with a feather ring pillow under his berries and a plaster of paris cast around his twig, which no one wants to sign.
Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks, EAR at 3.40. Tellin’ ya, he’s gonna go on a 2.50 ERA run for a month-plus and you’re gonna wish you had him.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer. Look what the cat dragged in! Literally, Kipnis sounds like something a cat would drag in. Also, this was his first homer since May 29th.
Whit Merrifield – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .330 and leadoff. To whit, Whit’s not this good. To whit, it doesn’t matter. He’s a hot schmotato, grab him!
Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.90. Edinson made short work of the Indians, just as Edison made the world’s first electric tomahawk. Little known inventions!
Alex Gordon – Began hitting off a tee. It was an herbal mint.
Tim Lincecum – Will join the Angels’ rotation this weekend against the A’s. In related news, stream A’s hitters this weekend.
Andrelton Simmons – Will be activated from the DL this week. His thumb healed remarkably fast for a human. For a specimen being researched by SETI, it was merely average.
Johnny Giavotella – 4-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. He was all the offense the Angels needed (if they wanted to lose; if they wanted to win, then they screwed up).
Robbie Grossman – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 5th homer. Even if I said hot schmotato, would anyone pick him up?
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Byron Buxton – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Wouldn’t say he’s lighting the world on fire, but I’ve had him since he returned from the minors, and he’s hitting .255 with two steals and one homer. Jesus, now that I look at it, I might switch him out.
J.J. Hardy – Will begin a rehab stint on Tuesday in Double-A Bowie. RIP.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. Au Shizz!
Jake Lamb – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer. Is it me or does Lamb homer every game Goldy does? Guess if you’re gonna bite someone’s style, he’s not a bad person to do it to. Yeah, I used the verb bite as in to copy. Eighties baby!
Corey Seager – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Seager or Correa? This year? Next year assuming Trump doesn’t win the presidency?
Carl Crawford – Dodgers released him. If you see an aging outfielder wandering the streets of LA in a Dodgers uniform, do not try to approach him. Call the authorities. He likely isn’t dangerous, but he may ask you to Uber him somewhere since his hamstring is “day-to-day.”
