Hey, let me ask you something, are we shipping Roger Maris Jr. and Aaron Judge‘s mom? What? Why are you booing me? Okay, serious-serious question, how many changes of clothes does Roger Maris Jr. have with him in Toronto? Okay, serious-serious-serious question, isn’t Roger Maris Jr. actually just Roger Maris but with an asterisk? Stop throwing tomatoes at me! I can’t use all my Roger Maris Jr. material anywhere else. So, Aaron Judge (1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit 61, becoming, what, the seventh most prolific home run hitter in a season? Honestly, when you really stop to think about what Barry Bonds did, it’s truly remarkable. I don’t care if he was sticking Babe Ruth’s DNA in his butt and Ted Williams’s DNA in his male sack, it’s freakin’ impressive! Aaron Judge? Also, incredibly impressive. I’m not going to lie, when I hear stuff like, “He becomes the first player to have 130 runs and 130 RBIs in the same season since 2007,” and how he’s almost 20 homers higher than anyone else in the majors, I get extreme FOMO for any teams of mine that don’t have him. His 60/20/.315 with 130/130 might be the best fantasy season any of us witness. Or at least until Barry Bonds returns at the age of 58 with Hack Wilson’s DNA in his arm, Ruth’s in his butt and Williams’s in his sack. Let’s go! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Gerrit Cole – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.51, as he ties Ron Guidry for most Ks in a season by a Yanks starter (248). All those great pitchers was surprised that no one had more Ks than that in a season for the Yanks, but then you remember it wasn’t that long ago great pitchers would have like a 6 K/9.

Tyler Glasnow – 3 IP, 1 ER, as he was activated from the IL, making it back from Tommy John surgery. In honor of his return, let’s remember Glasnow is a huge rap fan, and he has a tattoo on the inside of his lip that reads “No Juice” for a Lil Boosie song.

If Glasnow ever passes out from dehydration, the first person on the scene to revive him is gonna be so confused. “Quick, get him something to drink…Wait, uh, does this have any fruit juice in it? Do you have cola? He can’t have juice!” As for Glasnow for fantasy? Meh, let’s see how he looks in the playoffs. Hopefully good!

Gabriel Arias – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Saw him homer and I let out a small, “Damn.” It was impressive. Itch went over him in the top 50 shortstop prospects. For this year, maybe you catch lightning in a bottle.

Triston McKenzie – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.99. You wanna get a giggle out of someone? Show McKenzie to someone who doesn’t know baseball. I showed Cougs yesterday, and she was like, “He’s your weight and eight inches taller?” Actually, that was the point when I stopped talking to her for the night. Not cool, Cougs!

Ramon Urias – Hit the IL with a knee sprain. He should be available in the 2nd round of the playoffs if the Orioles advance. I’m kidding, but they gave it a good run.

Dean Kremer – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.17. *door flies open* Kremer! Dot dot dot. Was better than I expected in Fenway. Streamonator doesn’t love his next, but I don’t mind it.

Alex Verdugo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in five games. Might be heating up a little, or might be trying to prove he has more power than Acuña this year.

Rich Hill – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.41. At 42 years of age, he’s only the 6th pitcher to get 9+ Ks and allow zero runs. He’s the first who looks like he just walked into a kid’s room to yell, “Shut off that noise!”

Daniel Lynch – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.96. He won’t be a 2023 sleeper, per se, but I could see Daniel Lynch being an interesting pick around 500+ overall in draft and hold leagues.

MJ Melendez – 1-for-3 and his 18th homer, hitting .218. People are not going to give Michael Jackson Melendez as much helium as he’s going to deserve next year, and I’m all about it. By the by, Michael Jackson Melendez just sounds like me listing high-profile celebrity trials.

Matt Olson – 2-for-3 and his 30th homer. It much be cool for Matt Olson to only have to be good once every three weeks. Just lamping for 65 ABs, then hits a home run, and then coasts again for three weeks.

Josiah Gray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.02. Two Ks embarrasses yo’self and my name. Go to bed!

Andrew Knizner – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. If you drop your catcher for Knizner now, I raise my glass to you. You are committed, and I love you.

Jose Quintana – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.99. An under-3 ERA for this guy. You must be Jo-Quin.

Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Next year, who’s drafted first: Burnes or Woodruff? It might seem obvious to you, but I don’t think it is.

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.80. After the season ends, I will recap each position, but I’ll give you a sneak peek: A ton of guys were draftable after the top guys were gone who provided insane value. Verlander guy-bossed the starters like King Shizz of Shinola.

Zac Gallen – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.46. What I said for Verlander? Same. Gallen was drafted so late and what insane value! It’s crazy how good your team could’ve been, even if you showed up like an hour late for your draft.

Logan O’Hoppe – 1-for-3 as he made his debut for the Angels. He was the piece the Halos acquired for Marsh, and I went over him yesterday, so use your scrolly finger to go over there. My main takeaway is unless he’s hitting, there’s no time left to try him.

Mike Trout – 1-for-4 and his 38th homer. Was thinking about a young Medieval boy holding up a fish saying, “Master, baited him,” and I’m going to move on to another blurb now.

Taylor Ward – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 22nd homer, and first homer since April. Kidding. Kinda.

Joe Musgrove – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.03 vs. Julio Urias – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.17. 1st Half Cy Young vs. Runner-up to the Actual Cy Young.

Charlie Blackmon – Out for the year with a torn meniscus. Hopefully he’s ready to start the 2023 season, because the Rockies want him protecting Kris Bryant for many years to come.

Bryan De La Cruz – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. If there was going to be a Buy/Sell this Friday, De La Cruz might be the lede. He’s been as hot schmotato-y as anyone. Oh, yeah, no more Buy/Sells for the year. Everyone is a Buy and Sell. Drop anyone who is cold, and grab anyone who is hot, and Streamonator everyone.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.53 vs. Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.59. This matchup was billed as, “Jesus/Walker and in their bio it says ‘They/hymn.'”

Eduardo Escobar – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 20th homer. I have Escobar in a few leagues, and I’ve been mostly happy with him, but thought he had more homers. Maybe that’s why those teams aren’t doing so well. Escobar, you freakin’ mirage!

Johnny Cueto – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.39. It would’ve been too much for him to stay good for the most important part of the season. Just, ya know, two more decent starts, but nah. Like my fantasy teams are Jason LaRue and Cueto is ruining them.

Christopher Morel – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. What I said for Bryan De La Cruz? Same goes for Morel. He’s a schmotato and would’ve been on short list to get featured.

Hayden Wesneski – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.33. I gave Hayden a meh in the comments yesterday, and someone said I should give him another look. I will in the offseason. I will look at everyone. Even Jose Berrios, that bastard. For now, Streamonator hates Hayden, and I couldn’t bring myself to suggest him, unless you’re desperate, which I’m sure some of you are.

Manuel Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.84, and his 4th save, and has supplanted Brandon Hughes as Cubs’ closer. What I think is going on is Hughes is a lefty and Manuel is a by-the-book righty.

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.36. I hope the Phils and other low-end playoffs teams make noise in October, but there does seem to be a clear delineation between the top tier playoffs teams and some of these other ones.

Oneil Cruz – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .231. When Oneil Cruz is at bat, the outfield shift should be that they turn their back to the infield and wait to see where the ball hits off the fence.

Bryse Wilson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.53. Fun fact! Bryse Wilson is triplicate Brian Wilson.

Chase De Jong – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.61. Came in to close what was an incredible game from Bryse Wilson, and De Jong got Chase’d.

Kyle Farmer – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Wonder if Farmer wears overalls under his uni. Hmm, then they’d be underalls.

Jake Fraley – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. Not sure if you’ve seen the kids now type “fr” for “for real.” Well, baseball writers have a similar expression, F raley.

Luis Cessa – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.76. This Reds/Pirates game must’ve been a fun game to go out to the park to see. Just imagine two MLB teams playing just for you.