Bryce Harper for Fantasy Baseball

Yesterday, Bryce Harper went 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 20th and 21st homer. He’s at the precipice of having a solid year. Precibryce? Yes, that’s the ticket! If he gets to 30 homers and 80+ RBIs, we can write off most of his down year as the result of missing a month. Nine homers and 22 RBIs more is gonna take some digging in and work. It won’t be easy. He’s not exactly the Yodeler about to tip over The Price is Right cliff on the precibryce. He’s gonna have to have the best six weeks of his season to get over the precibryce. (If you say it three times, by the third time people just assume everyone says “precibryce” and I didn’t make up that nonsense.) Next up, J.T. Realmuto (3-for-5) hit his 8th homer. That Jerry Tomato really ketchup’d to that ball! Finally, Trea Turner (4-for-6, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 13th homer) showed up without all the pomp and circumstance of the Phillies fans pretending to cheer for him and made them cheer organically. Delightful, like the raw milk Bryce drinks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Zack Wheeler – Underwent a successful thrombolysis. First year of med school is spelling procedures and medicines. Doubt Wheeler returns this year; hopefully next!

Ranger Suarez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.25. I would be so unbelievably happy if Rob Thomson would freakin’ pull Suarez at six innings rather than trying to get him to work the 7th. He so clearly cannot.

Bryce Miller – Will be activated from the IL on Tuesday. Wonder how that’ll go. No joke, I’m legit curious. My guess is 3 IP, 3 ER, 4 Ks, yours?

Logan Gilbert – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.83. Sung like Pink Panther, “Dead arm, dead arm, deadarmdeadarmdeadarmdeadarmmmmmmmmmm.” Or maybe tipping, but that doesn’t work with Pink Panther theme as well.

Mitch Garver – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, as he…what position did he play? He’s on the Mariners and Raleigh is there. So, Cal must’ve DH’d because he must be super tired, right? Bzzt, wrongo! Cal and the Giant Peach still caught and Garver DH’d. Maybe “resting” Raleigh at DH might not be a bad idea, but I am merely a little boy blogger.

Cole Young – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Young is playing right now just to show himself to me as I think about next year’s drafts. Show me stuff for the later rounds of a 15-teamer, son!

Shane Bieber – Will be activated from the IL on Friday. I have higher hopes for Bieber than I did for Bryce Miller. Bieber could give you a solid six or so starts of 4-6 IP. He has been absolutely lights-out’ing the minor leagues during his rehab from Tommy John. By the way, was looking at his rehab stats and saw he has a 3.22 career ERA in 843 IP. Excellent, and he has 62 total wins. Ha! Forget 300 wins, starters who are just coming up may never reach 100 wins again.

Kevin Gausman – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.78 vs. Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.16. This matchup was billed as, “Skenes said, ‘Of course I’m getting a no decision, but I’m gonna make it so you do too.”

Gunnar Henderson – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Well, of course, Gunnar is hit a home run. He’s so good! (Was watching old clips of Stuart Smalley and I’m trying something.)

Trevor Rogers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.41. He’s not even in the top 10 for the AL Cy Young race, according to Bettors B. Bettin’. I don’t know how he can’t be though. Don’t think this is the reason, but he does have only six wins. Cackling!

Jordan Westburg – Left the game with ankle discomfort. Ship’s captain seeing an IL stint, “Westburg, right ahead!”

Dustin May – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.59. Streamonator actually loved this start, and it worked out, but I honestly wouldn’t touch him.

Jurickson Profar – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and a double slam (8) and legs (6), and 2nd and 3rd homer in two games. Glad I picked him back up in my RCL. He’s like my Lou-Gu-Ju su. (Surrogate, not substitute; I’m too highfalutin for substitute.)

Michael Harris II – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. The funniest is the people talking themselves into Harris being fixed and promising again for next year. Yes, he’s fixed now, but what makes you think he won’t be broke for three months next year? It’s not like he didn’t know he was broken for half this year. People think it’s so easy for a guy to fix themselves. Maybe, and bear with me here, a guy isn’t as bad as his worst slump or as good as his best hot streak.

Spencer Strider – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.24. This start was home vs. the Shite Sox. On a purely baseball level, this sucks for Strider. He’s clearly not right. Hopefully it’s mechanics issue and not a health issue, but it’s a something issue.

Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. After the game he said, “It’s never too early for next year’s trading deadline!”

Brooks Baldwin – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Wasn’t the cream of the crop getting Strider, either. Wasn’t even the cream of the crap.

Yoendrys Gomez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.53. He used to be in the Dodgers’ system, and his middle name is Dale. He has hideous command, and I wouldn’t trust him at all.

Lenyn Sosa – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer. He’s been a hot schmotato so long, I’m beginning to think this is an actual breakout, but I’m trying so hard to not think that.

Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-3 and his 12th homer. He’s really fit in well with the Royals’ organization. A team where all the hitters seemingly have more power than they show.

Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .257. Pasketti hitting that ball sky-high and tipping his cap to his batting coach, Al Dente.

Michael Wacha – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.34. Streamed him and will drop him today for someone else. That’s how you should be treating waivers this time of year.

Jack Leiter – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.06. Ya know how bad ya gotta be to get housed by the Royals in that janky park? Less than ideal!

Spencer Arrighetti – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.94. Well, the good news is no one will want to draft him next year and he’ll be a sleeper all over again! [dodges thrown tomato, splats above head] What?

Jack Flaherty – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.51. Speaking of sleepers (I was in Arrighetti’s blurb), there’s no way everyone and I mean everyone doesn’t call Flaherty a 2026 sleeper to the point where he’s not.

Wenceel Perez – 2-for-3 and a slam (10) and legs (7). I started Wenceel in one league and I’m being 100% honest when I say, I don’t know why. Might’ve been lack of options. By the way, doesn’t Wenceel sound like something you’d name your ferret?

Colt Keith – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and a slam (11) and legs (1), hitting .268. Also, in this game, Riley Greene (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 29th homer and Trey Sweeney (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 6th homer. Or simply Tiltry Greeney, or every base stealer in the 80’s.

C.J. Kayfus – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Cay Jewelers Kayfus a diamond in the rufs.

Gavin Williams – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.24. I actually started him and he pitched well. Someone pinch me. On my top half!

Brayan Rocchio – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in three games. If this was the 1st week of April, I’d be intrigued! Maybe a hot schmocchio.

Victor Vodnik – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.43. Four saves last week, and a win last night. Four ladies and gentlemen, your best reliever of the week.

Brady Singer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.18. He was helped by the 5th homer from Gavin Lux, i.e., Singer Lux out against Angels, and when I googled singers who defied death the top result was Ozzy Osbourne, so I don’t know what to tell you.

Eury Perez – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.48. As a person who watched this start, meh, he seemed fine. I would’ve let him keep going, but A) He was wild. B) I was reading a book so not fully paying attention. C) There’s no C.

Eric Wagaman – 1-for-2 and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and looks like a hot schmotato, but he was also pinch-hit for because MLB managers are dumb.

Brendan Donovan – Hit the IL with a groin strain. Careful, that’s how you go blind.

Matthew Liberatore – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.13. Been a while since I looked at his peripherals and dry-heave. Yeah, not great. Streamonator hates him and I do too.

Nolan Gorman – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer as he foreclosed on the save, putting the game out of reach, which makes me wonder who the Cards were going to bring out for the 9th if it remained a two-run game. I am subtly asking VinWins. Well, now less subtly.

Cade Horton – Exited with a blister on his right middle finger. An injury that only sidelines pitchers and truck drivers.

Kyle Tucker – 0-for-4. Shame he retired in July. No ceremony or anything. He’s been hitting .148 in August with zero extra base hits and 14 Ks. Counsell said he’ll get multiple days off. Not sure what he has to say about Tucker. [intern whispers in ear] Ah, okay, he was referring to Tucker getting the days off.

Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.78, and 1st pitcher to get 15 wins this season. You thought the Cubs were charmed in the 1st half of the season? Well, you were right, and now the Brewers are more charmed. Charmedier.

Brice Turang – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in a week. After you hear his name, do you also want to say, “How can I be of assistance,” or just me?

Caleb Durbin – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (11). Kinda interesting that the Brewers steal a ton of bags, but their two arguably fastest guys don’t have a ton. Okay, I said “kinda.”

Robbie Ray – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.85. I had a nightmare that Cal Raleigh was wearing Robbie Ray’s tight pants and they exploded like a mushroom cloud over my house. Maybe I should save some stuff for my therapist.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer. Rafael…delivers! See what I did? You don’t? Hmm, thought it was obvious.

Wilmer Flores – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Have I mentioned the Padres started Nestor Cortes (5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.87) who might either be the worst pitcher in the majors or injured and I’m not sure there’s a discernible difference?

Heliot Ramos – 2-for-5 and his 15th homer. After retiring in May, Ramos went fishing in McCovey Cove and spent time with his kids. Then on Monday afternoon, Little Georgie Ramos said, “Dad, will things always be this nice between us?” Heliot said, “Ugh, enough with the questions! I’m going back to work!”