All my fantasy baseball titles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though one is here to stay *sung in a very fast voice* oh, crap, nope, because I drafted Matt Holliday,
Oh, why did I believe in Holliday…day…day…day.
Suddenly! Jacob deGrom’s arm is not half of what it used to be.
There’s a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, it’s Giancarlo’s injured groin that I made of plaster of Paris and that just came to me suddenly!
Why the season had to go, I don’t know, it wouldn’t say… because it can’t talk, it’s a baseball season that ended yesterday…yesterday…yesterday!
Fantasy Baseball was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a mother’s basement to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday…day…day.
*sniffles* Here, take a tissue. You have to excuse me, I don’t have any clean ones. What will we do for the next few months without an update on a Mets’ pitcher elbow? Does Daniel Murphy’s butt hurt or is he just butt-hurt? What will we do without a Bryce Harper injury update? WHAT? WILL? WE? DO? Prepare for next season, of course. But, first, let’s bask in the last day of the season. Today is the day when you realize you’ve spent 27,000 man hours this summer beating eleven other strangers to win a virtual trophy, and it feels great! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Bartolo Colon – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA ends at 3.43 as the Mets clinched a Wild Card spot. Only real damage to Colon was the 25th homer by Ryan Howard, and, coincidentally, Howard hit his first career home run in 2004 off Bartolomé Fortunato, which sounds like Bartolo Colon’s telenovela villain name.
Jeurys Familia – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 51st save on Saturday, ending the year with a 2.55 ERA, 1.21 WHIP and 84 Ks. Jeurys also led the league in saves, and led the league in saves by guys whose name looks like it was spelled by a cat walking across the keyboard.
Maikel Franco – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .255. Look at Maikel — Lookel? — already putting catnip under my nose for 2017. *hits ball yarn with Maikel’s face on it, licks hand* You got me crazy!
Jerad Eickhoff – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.65. His 2017 sleeper posts across all fantasy baseball sites just went from 12 to 16. Only one will feature some variation of “What a Jer-khoff!” Thanks, Razzball!
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.63, but lost to Ty Blach – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, because, well, it’s October. I’d really like to see a World Series happen once in the city I live in, so can we all start rooting for the Dodgers? Or maybe it’s easier to root for someone to kidnap Dave Roberts? They should have a rule that you can replace the manager in the postseason as long as they have the same last name. Come on down, Bip Roberts! Whose full name is BABIP Roberts.
Matt Moore – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.08. He’s going to be enticing next year, if he stays with the Giants. Though, honestly, seriously, interjectionally, Moore is enticing every year, and then the season starts.
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 30th homer on Saturday. Any ideas how many RBIs he has? Let’s just say it seems like he hit 30 solo homers. Would you guess above or below 70 RBIs? Yeah, you’re way off. 59 RBIs. Didn’t Adam Dunn trademark that lack of RBIs? I believe it was a utility patent.
Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.62. I wonder if he’ll call in to a sports radio show this offseason and tell the hosts, “Ya know what? You were right, I kinda suck.”
Tanner Roark – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.83. Due to Ricardo Montalban’s complexion, you can almost imagine people on the set of Fantasy Island calling him Tanner Roark, right? Meh, maybe it’s just me. Roark’s going to be tough to peg next year, because his ERA is so much better than his peripherals, but the NL East solves so many ills.
Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA ends at 2.96 and his record moves to 20-7. I’m Cust kayin’ here, but I prolly would’ve held Scherzer out of a meaningless regular season game, but, what do I know, I’m just a caveman lawyer.
Yan Gomes – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Watch him get hot going into the playoffs and remind everyone why they drafted him back in March. “So, that was why I memorized Guron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior!”
Josh Tomlin – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Best part of Tomlin, only 20 walks all year in 166 2/3 IP. Worst part of Tomlin, that god-awful show on Netflix.
Ian Kennedy – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.68. Ended up finishing fourth in the majors for home runs allowed. All the shots off Kennedy were Ted Cruz’s father’s fault.
Kevin Gausman – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA ends at 3.61. Can I reserve my opinion on Gausman for 2017 after I see how many more innings the O’s put on him in the postseason? Thanks, Cousin Sweatpants.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homers, hitting .243. Not bad, if only Keith Law never said Wieters would be a Hall of Fame catcher. See what expectations can do to perception? That’s why you should never date a porn star. Well, that and STDs.
Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 1 ER and lost yet another game on Saturday. Kimbrel might get moved out of the closer role, so go pick up–Oh, wait, that’s right, season’s over.
Hanley Ramirez – 1-for-3 and his 30th homer. Mmmkay, but everyone hit 30 homers this year.
David Price – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.99. Psychologically, his ERA says so much more than it should by being under 4.00. It’s like a funhouse mirror that make his ERA skinnier.
Aaron Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.00. See what I said two inches above — or six inches if talking to a girl — regarding Gausman, except, with Sanchez, we’re already in the red and unless he starts pitching underhanded in the playoffs, it’s not getting better.
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.21. If my math is correct, this Braves win cost them a 2nd overall draft pick and dropped them down to 5th overall in the 2017 amateur draft. Teams losing meaningless games are worse than teams winning meaningless games or teams winning meaningless games are worse than teams losing meaningless games? Or is this all too confusing to even ponder?
Freddie Freeman – 0-for-3, 1 RBI and ended the season with 91 RBIs. I’ll go over this more during my recaps of each position, but it took a huge 2nd half to make Freeman’s season decent, and an even bigger 2nd half to make his season excellent, which is what ended up happening.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA ends at 3.04 with a 16-9 record. Solid, right? Actually, according to our Player Rater, it was a top five starter season. Now I see what Kate Upton sees in him.
Kyle Hendricks – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA ends at 2.13. On one hand, I would’ve gave him crap for sitting out to insure he ended the year with a sub-2 ERA. On the other hand, I would’ve liked to see him have a sub-2 ERA. On a third hand that is actually Hamburger Helper, there was no reason to pitch him in the last game of the season.
Willson Contreras – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .282. Holding Jimmy Hart’s megaphone that I bought off eBay, “Line for young catchers in 2017 starts behind Gary Sanchez. C’mon, Contreras, I see you hiding behind the garbage can. Get behind Sanchez.”
Hisashi Iwakuma – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.12. Like someone trying to conserve fizz on a seltzer, allow me to recap. Hisashi signed with the Dodgers this offseason, they found an injury that caused them to null their contract with him, so the Mariners signed him anyway and he pitched poorly all year. His poor pitching is not surprising at all, so, in all seriousness, why the eff did the Mariners re-sign him?
Robinson Cano – 0-for-3 and his 39th homer on Saturday. Does every new commissioner get a few seasons of juiced balls so they can see a spike in attendance? Not to answer, but to spread this rumor so others believe it.
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Next year, he’s going to be 27 years old and coming off a 2nd half where he had a 2.71 ERA. Damn, I’m already sucking myself in. In! In, you pervert!
James Shields – 7 IP, 5 ER. Sadly, he finished the year with a 5.85 ERA, and not the coveted (by me) 6+ ERA that is so rare. Oh, well, the positive news is he was still able to finish 9th for the worse ERA of the last 25 years for SPs with at least 180 IP. The top ten is a real who’s who of WTF: Carlos Silva, Jose Lima, Pedro Astacio, Brian Bohanon, who I think is a typo of Brian Boitano.
Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, an inside-the-parker. Fun fact! I want to draft Buxton on every 2017 fantasy team already. I want to sign up for a fantasy basketball league, just to write-in Buxton’s name.
Miguel Sano – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer. Be interesting to see where Sano goes next year. I think everyone who defied me and did take him early last year will be properly scared off in 2017. Feels like a guy that will go around where OZUNA went this year, which could be good value. Saberhagenmetrics is real, y’all!
Archie Bradley – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 5.02. I’m going to reveal a secret. I’m going to tell you how to know if Bradley is going to break out next year: if Dave Stewart trades him this offseason.
Matt Koch – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA ends at 2.00. Clouding Koch’s whole season is how he never came out of the closet. Or maybe that was Ed Koch.
Brandon Drury – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer. The guy who picked up Drury in April, then was jailed for ripping tags off hotel mattresses, was released in September to find Drury still hitting. Thankfully, prison wifi helped him avoid dropping Drury during his lousy mid-summer months.
Tyler Skaggs – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER. The Angels are such trash that I wouldn’t be shocked to hear Arte Moreno sells the club this offseason. Oh my God, I just thought of something! Moreno should go on Shark Tank and sell the Angels to Cuban. You know Moreno would also show up with Trout, who would then leave right before the pitch started saying something cutesy about how those sharks are the meanest.
Mike Trout – 1-for-2, 1 RBI and his 30th steal. Member some people were telling you this preseason that Trout’s big steals seasons were behind him forever? Like Shaggy once said, wasn’t me.
Charlie Blackmon – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .324. #Blackmonmatters.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, and finishes with a line of 116/41/133/.294/2. Hummna-hummna-sexy-time. I’ll be recapping all positions this offseason, but yowsers! In related Rockies’ news, Walt Weiss is expected to be replaced this offseason. The time fantasy baseballers used to wait for the Rockies’ lineup card to be released can now be put towards something more beneficial, like finding a cure for cancer. Or eating more Doritos.
DJ LeMahieu – Sat out the better part of the last four days to win the batting title with a .348 average, barely beating Daniel Murphy at .347. I wanna hate LeMahieu for being a douche on how he won the batting title, but then you see he’s beating Murphy and you don’t hate LeMahieu as much. It’s the lesser of two evils. This is also how everyone is deciding who to vote for in this election. Now, to take the sting away from the season ending, I’m going to pick up and drop my middle infielder. Ya know, old times’ sake.