This is an excerpt of a phone call Razzball intercepted during Thursday’s afternoon games. Since both states involved are two-party consent, we cannot reveal who recorded the call, but it rhymes with Fray Mallbright. Here, let’s listen in:

“Hello, this is the CEO of Spider Tack, the world’s stickiest, gummiest, craziest, shouldn’t-be-used-on-a-baseballiest stuff. Who’s calling?”
Our Commissioner Rob Manfred disguised his voice so he sounded raspy, and said, “I’m Kathleen Turner. I was wondering if you would sell me 7,000 cases of your Spider Tack, and send them individually to pitchers’ homes?”
“Body Heat’s Kathleen Turner? Romancing the Stone’s Kathleen Turner? Not to get all James Lipton, but I am a huge fan of your–”
“Okay, fanboy, if I get you 7,000 addresses, will you send the Spider Tack?”
“Can I ask why you want the Spider Tack sent to pitcher’s homes?”
Rob dropped the Kathleen Turner rasp and said, “So, we can bust them and they’ll all lose their arbitration cases!” Then cackled evilly for five minutes, finally adding, “Deal?”

Have you heard this latest? Pete Alonso has accused Rob Manfred of manipulating the ball, depending on the free agent class. He said it’s a fact. I’m 100% here for conspiracy lunacy. Rob Manfred, evil genius or dumbf*ck? So hard to say! Yesterday, Zack Wheeler (8 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.29) continued his fantastic season, and it appears he has no additional spin on his 4-seamer. His expected ERA is 2.55, and xBA is .202. Also, his velocity is up on his fastball (97+ MPH) and his 81 MPH curve has a .119 xBA, which is hilarious. Lots still can happen, but Wheeler looks like a Cy Young candidate, and top five starter in baseball, assuming he doesn’t get a mysterious package from Kathleen Turner. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Anderson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.26. When Ian Anderson pitches, there’s never a Tull moment.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-5 and his 14th homer, hitting .228. Is it too much for this dude to get hot so he’s not hitting for about the same average as Daniel Vogelbach?

Daz Cameron – 0-for-3, 1 run and his 1st steal, as he was called up to replace Derek Hill. Didn’t know they had a Derek Hill to lose. With Derek Hill and Daz Cameron, think the Tigers might be only fielding guys who sound like NBA players. Eric Haase is the Eastern European center; Jake Rogers is an assistant coach though, at best. Can’t imagine any other scenario for him. Akil Baddoo is great from inside the paint, though. Okay, enough nonsense! Daz Cameron has great speed and power. Can he steal his way onto first? Welp, that might be the issue. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column — which is already available on our Patreon — but he could’ve been, so assume he’s there.

Jonathan Schoop – 3-for-4, and his 10th homer, hitting .266. He gets almost as hot as Justin Upton. I will call him Jonathan Shtuppin. The Jews all nod, and doff their yarmulkes at a pun well-made.

Jake Rogers – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 3rd homer, and his 2nd homer in the last two games. Beginning to think Haase doesn’t haave anything special, and it’s just the Tigers’ caatcher slot that is possessed. Didn’t Wilson Ramos have a crazy April too? The Tigers’ catchers haave combined for 17 homers. El oh el.

Robbie Grossman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .241. As I said earlier this year, Grossman reminds me of a poor man’s Canha. I will call him Canchuckle. Is he Canadian too? That would be perfect.

Mitch Haniger – 2-for-4 and his 15th and 16th homer. Mitch’s motto, “If you hit my hangers, I hit yours back twice as hard.”

Jake Bauers – Mariners acquired Jake Bauers, his daughter and the President from those Allstate commercials for a player to be named later. Hopefully, the player to be named later isn’t a terrorist from a country to be named later.

Paul DeJong – Activated from the IL. Colonel Mustard missed a month due to his ribs. Damn, they must be so tender and succulent.

Freddy Peralta – 4 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25. He had 11 straight starts of 7+ strikeouts, but the rain washed away that and my chance for a Peralta win, because the man upstairs has bet against me in all my fantasy leagues. Stop betting against me, Man Upstairs!

Travis Shaw – Hit the IL with the worst looking dislocated shoulder injury. Dude went down like a sack of potatoes and had to be dragged off the field by his ankles.

Daniel Vogelbach – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in five games. The Jelly Donut of Swat is a hot schmotato.

Luis Castillo – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.47. If you’re looking at this start against one of the worst teams in the majors as a step in the right direction, you’re seeing what you want.

Joey Votto – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .217. Call him James Dean, because this guy fell off a cliff.

Jorge Soler – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Might’ve picked up George “What an Effer” Sun at exactly the right moment earlier this week. All praise my waiver-wire-picking-up finger!

Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .288. Left a hitter’s haven in Fenway to go to Kauffman, which sounds like a nurse administering a hernia exam and is equally pleasant for hitters, and somehow Benintendi got better. One of the weirder storylines this year.

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .261. Speaking of weird storylines, Jed Lowrie couldn’t even walk the last two years.

Mike Minor – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.50 vs. Frankie Montas – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.37. This matchup was basically the question, “Streamonator, what do you have for me?” come to life.

Nick Madrigal – Hit the IL with a tear of hamstring, and they’re weighing surgery. Depends on the size of the scalpel.

Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .160, but with a .400 OBP. On a treadmill somewhere, Billy Beane’s screaming for Jonah Hill to bring him all the video he can find of Grandal walking.

Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.14 vs. Hyun Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.34. Watching this start was like sipping on Sleepytime. Neither are terrible, but what a snooze.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. True story alert! I had a dream last night that all the baseballs in the majors were stuck to Trevor Bauer’s hands and arms, so they asked me to pitch to Giancarlo the only available thing, a slice of pizza, and he hit the slice of pepperoni easily over the fence.

Gio Urshela – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, and he added a triple. Got the two hardest pieces of the cycle, i.e., the handlebars and the back pegs.

Aroldis Chapman – 0 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 1.96, and his 2nd blown save. Holy implosion. He’s so automatic that I turned off the game, and started watching a Showtime boxing documentary about The Four Kings. He gave up four runs and the game on nine pitches? This is one of those where I don’t believe the box score. Watching the replays back, he looked like No Mas Duran. He might not be right. If you have room, Chad Green would be a decent speculative grab.

Alex Kirilloff – Left yesterday’s game with an ankle sprain. In other oft-injured Twins news, Byron Buxton is close to returning. I say let Kirilloff go on the 10-day IL, then he can return as Buxton gets his next injury. Like the Indiana Jones maneuver where he removes a rock, then puts a sand bag down to avoid setting off a booby trap.

Josh Donaldson – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Guess Cole should’ve broke Donaldson’s ribs after all.

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .287. His walk-off home run trot might still be going on. I think Hagler vs. Hearns was quicker.

Trevor Story – 1-for-3, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m sorry for changing the brochures Jenny brought in to ‘Planet Fatness.'”

Brendan Rodgers – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Rodgers didn’t start with Story back, and Bud Black being an absolute idiot. I’m gonna use logic, that Bud doesn’t possess, and say hopefully Fuentes and Daza platoon and Rodgers plays every day.

Trevor Rogers – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.02. The countdown to the regression begins at midnight (on June 29th). Kidding, I wouldn’t wait for regression at all. The big worry for Rogers for me is at some point he’s gonna go way past any conceivable innings limit he must have.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Yesterday, I said he’d homer again in his next game. Today, I’m saying do you want to know your future? Are you sure?

Starling Marte – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .360. May all your players return from injury as hot as Starling Marte. Now that I think about, Ketel too. Wonder if I can convince one certain schmohawk to change his name to Cody Marte.

Jazz Chisholm – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .279. Wonder how high July Grey’s gonna be on Jazz in his 2nd half rankings. Jazz and being high do go hand in hand.

Julio Urias – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Urias’s name always gets me singing Notorious. Speaking of which, wonder what happened with Jarren Duran.

J.D. Martinez – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .312. Just Dong, because the alternative is Just Don’t.

Christian Arroyo – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Alex Cora’s committed to Enrique Hernandez hitting leadoff–Sorry, I meant, he should be committed for it. Arroyo’s still playing over Dannys Antana, as he should be, and hitting.

Zack Greinke – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.68. Not sure how anyone expected Greinke to pitch yesterday with the news that Chipotle raised their prices.

Yuli Gurriel – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Any ideas what he’s hitting? His batting average. Guesses? No? .335! He’s like the anti-Grandal.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, third homer in four games. His home run yesterday came off a pitch that was ten inches off the ground and he hit it over the Green Monster. Basically, Altuve hit an Altuve over an Aaron Judge.

Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (6) and legs (6), hitting .255. The Buy Low Window is about to close on someone’s fingers if you don’t grab Mookie soon.

Mitch Keller – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.04. It’s super embarrassing how badly the Pirates develop anyone. Keller goes to the Rays and he’s a top 25 starter with the smallest of tweaks. I’m not exaggerating.

Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .284. If I were Bryan Reynolds, I’d have Melky Cabrera make up a website touting how great a player on another team is, and how it would make perfect sense for the Pirates to trade Reynolds for them, and leave that site open on the GM’s computer. “Hey, look at this, Totally Real Website About Baseball dot com says we should trade Reynolds for Gary Sanchez.”