Buy Cousin Vinnie

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)

“Ayo, this is Joey in the People Interested in Zee Zee #1 Americans — aka PIZZA, we serve the people who serve it  — how may I direct your call? I’m very sorry, you’re looking for Tony — bada bing bada boom — he’s in charge of helping people put up Xmas lights. That department doesn’t open until August.” Phone rings with another call, “Ayo, this is Joey in the People Interested in Zee Zee #1 Americans — aka PIZZA, we serve the people who serve it. You’re wondering about Vinnie Pasquantino and Nick Pratto? Ayo, bada bing bada boom, letta me pull up Minor League Stats dot com, ayy, and see what we have here. Vinnie Pasquantino is 24 years old, and he’s got 15 HRs in 52 games at Triple-A. Ayy, what kind of cheap ess-oh-bees are these Royals they don’t promote my boy, Vinnie? I oughta date their sister and call her by my mother’s name to insult her, ya know whadda I mean? Vinnie’s also hitting .280+ with great contact? Va fangool! He should be up already? What, they need Carlos Santana? He should get sent to the Phils, so he can reunite with Rob Thomson. Okay, let me see this here Nick Pratto. Oh, he’s younger and his numbers are not nearly as good, and that hurts for me to say, being Joey, the Front Desk Ambassador at PIZZA. Yeah, I just like Vinnie Pasquantino right now. Ayo, waddya know, bada bing bada boom. Thanks for calling!” I agree with Joey from PIZZA. Vinnie Pasquantino should be called up soon, and Pratto looks like he needs more seasoning. Maybe some oregano? It’s not a stretch to say the Royals need a yoot movement. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Mitch Garver – If your name was Mitch and you told a Starbucks barista and they wrote on your cup, “*itch,* what would you do? These are the kind of questions that keep me up late at night. That and, “Garver or Gary Sanchez in a 12 teamer?”

Cal Raleigh – Sounds like a name they derisively give a Southerner boy who’s going to Cal. Also, I give him the name: hot schmotato.

Gabriel Moreno – Ugh, three catcher pickups. Yuck (for me answering questions)! Here’s what I said the other day, “(Moreno was) called up by the Jays. I went like this: Clicked on Moreno on waivers, stared at his name and my team (a 15-teamer), seeing who I could drop. Jonah Heim, my catcher, was on the list of guys possible to drop, and I left Moreno on waivers. He’s a top catcher prospect bat, and Jansen’s out for a while with a fractured pinkie, so Moreno should at least backup Kirk, who could also DH. There’s ABs there. Itch just put him in his top 50 prospects, saying his timeline was drifting back (oopsie). Moreno could hit .300 and maybe power if he rediscovers his stroke, which has been nonexistent (1 HR in 146 PAs). He kinda reminds me of MJ Melendez. If you have room, I’d take the flyer, even if I didn’t.” And that’s me quoting me!

Jose Miranda – I’m a big fan of Miranda — Carrie Bradshaw can suck it! — but I admit to not knowing where he’s going to play when Lewis and Correa return. By the by, one general word, all of these guys have been hot. They wouldn’t be in this post if they weren’t hot. If you prefer to read, “Miranda is hitting .327 in the month of June,” then boy you in the wrong place. I said that last part like Esther Rolle.

Jace Peterson – Similar situation to Tyrone Taylor and Jose Miranda and maybe others listed here that I’m just not noticing because Cougs just tested positive for Covid and I’m singing Tim McGraw’s Live Like You’re Dyin’, but Jace could lose some playing time when Adames returns and Renfroe–Oh, crap! I mean, Cougs is out for undisclosed reasons, and I’m hoping I don’t have undisclosed reasons coming for me. My wife is a biohazard!

Michael Chavis – That the Pirates bat Chavis cleanup is a top five reason the Pirates suck beyond the standings. Chavis is hitting well, and they can play him, but featuring him and Vogelbach in the top of the lineup makes no sense, when the Pirates’ entire raison d’être is to give prospects at-bats. Move up Swaggerty, Suwinski, Diego Castillo, and, may the power of your checkbook compel you to promote Oneil Cruz already!

Matt Carpenter – Every aging vet should get one last chance to hit homers over the short porch in the Bronx. “That’s what I keep telling my agent!” That’s Robinson Cano.

Luis Garcia – The year is 2097. The population has bloated to 56 trillion, and everyone is named Luis Garcia.

Andres Gimenez – Fun fact! His stepbrother’s name is Edward Johns, so together they’re And-Gim, E. Johns. Sounds like he’d make a good sub!

Santiago Espinal – Feels like the kind of guy who is going to win the end-of-the-year Razzballie award, Guy Who You Picked Up And Dropped Numerous Times.

Ezequiel Duran – Just gave you my Ezequiel Duran fantasy. It was written while going about my business.

Rougned Odor – Depending on the week, Odor faciliates between fragrant and flagrant.

Bryson Stott – Prolly should’ve been the lede this week but I just gave you a Bryson Stott fantasy, and it’s still June and I’m trying to crank through all the prospects who should be grabbed. Yes, that was the pattern you missed. Started with Nolan Gorman, over to Max Meyer, went to Grayson, off to MJ Melendez, then onto Riley Greene (who is still a Buy, by the by). If that list is any indication, I’m sorry for jinxing you, Vinnie!

Isiah Kiner-Falefa – I wonder if Nick Castellanos’s mother, the owner of the very famous diner, Hey, Skinny, You Feta Eat, in Edison, New Jersey, has ever served Israeli Diner Falafel. Hmm, I’ll have to send one of my crazy aunts, who live in Jersey, to find out. Any hoo! Falafel has been as good as Dansby over the last week. Opa!

Ramon Urias – I picked up Urias for a little how’s your father in one deeper mixed league, and, as soon as I did, I already felt like his hot streak was over, but, alas, here we are.

Kyle Farmer – Ya know what kind of guy Farmer is? Salt of the earth! Sorry, he’s the type of player who you would never draft in any league, then almost immediately wish you went with someone like him who is safe vs. all these upside gambles. Anyone hear from C.J. Abrams lately? Anyone?

Gio Urshela – Bet some of you didn’t know my safety school was Gio U. Yeah, they wanted me for my terrible puns, but I decided on Tulane because I like to drive in the middle of the road.

Christopher Morel – His stats on their surface say a guy who should likely stay at leadoff for the foreseeable future, but his past years also seem to indicate that he can’t keep it going. Well, either way, he’s doing it, so that’s all that matters. Plus, Morel’s a fun guy!

Oscar Gonzalez – The new Steven Kwan. Call him Steven Knewcarsmell.

Steele Walker – More of an AL-Only play, but, as mentioned on this week’s podcast, not entirely sure what makes Ezequiel that much more attractive than Walker. Maybe it’s his brooding eyes.

Tyrone Taylor – With the Platinum Jubilee in the news a lot recently, thinking about different Order of Merits. There’s OM, CBE, Hon, and a host of others. I’d like to ask the Queen to bestow one more: Lorenzo Cain, DFA.

Travis Swaggerty – Here’s what I said the other day, “Swaggerty had a 28% K% in Triple-A, which doesn’t bode well for a promotion, Neither does the fact that he doesn’t seem to be getting better at each level and he’s 24. NL-Only for now, unless desperate in a deep mixed.” And that’s me quoting me!

Lane Thomas – Maybe because I wrote a sleeper post on him this preseason, but I think there’s a lot more to him, and should be rostered everywhere. Though, the two first names thing is disconcerting.

Jack Suwinski – Ya know what’s funny that’s not funny at all? A guy like Suwinski hitting a homer or stealing a bag once a week feels decent in the micro, but, in the macro, when you look at his season-long projections of 15/7, it’s super boring.

Trent Grisham – I know you’re all converts, so I’m preaching to the choir, but this is batshizz crazy: ESPN’s 7-day Player Rater has Trent Grisham as the 112th best outfielder behind Aledmys Diaz (is he even playing?) and Bradley Zimmer, to name just two guys who were close. Not saying Grisham has been incredible, but that’s just not close to reality. On on our 7-day Player Rater, Grisham was the 46th best OF (as of this writing). Sad for me to say, but ESPN has abandoned baseball. I bet their Player Rater’s been broke all year and they’re not even trying to fix it. I’m not joking.

Zach Plesac – This is a Streamonator call like the call it makes to the Pennsylvania State Capitol.

Ranger Suarez – Yes, he looked good last time out, but this is also a Streamonator call. “The license plate says ‘You’ve Got A Friend In Pennsylvania.’ Can you tell me what city?”

Matt Strahm – When this was released earlier this week on the Patreon, I said, “It seems ludicrous to think the Red Sox would suddenly start using Tanner Houck regularly as their closer, but just as insane to think they have anyone else.” And that’s me making myself laugh! Apparently, now they have someone. Maybe. Honestly, this is as unclear as shituations get on a closerousel.

Tanner Scott – How long will it take Mattingly to figure out Anthony Bass should be the closer is actually fascinating. Bass is clearly best suited and, if you’re just going off of word association, then Marlins…Bass…it’s obvious! Yet, we’re going on week three of watching that very correct thought travel through Mattingly’s brain not reaching his mustache-less mouth, so I guess Tanner Scott.

Tanner Rainey – This week’s bullpen options didn’t come to me for a long while, then I went to Suncoast Very Natural Tan Tanning Salon, and it all started to coalesce in my head.

Colin Poche – Rays’ closer is prolly TBD — THE BIG DEAL?! No, To Be Determined — but I like Poche, even if Cash has no set roles from the 1st through the 9th innings.

Diego Castillo – I feel like as I’m typing this someone besides Castillo will get a save for the Mariners, but, also, as I type this, he got the last two.

A.J. Minter – I promised you a new middle reliever every week, and I thought I might run aground with choices, but there’s actually 14 MRs each week I could recommend. That’s seven Mr. Misters! That rocks! …So take these broken wings and learn to fly again…

SELL

Nick Castellanos – This is gonna have a big flashy red light on it that says, “Don’t give him away for free.” As a regular patron at Hey, Skinny, You Feta Eat, Momma Castellanos’s diner, I cannot stand the thought of this Sell making its way back to her, and being barred from partaking in her spanakopita. I partakopita! I mustopolis! It’s so flakopolis! The problemakis is his bat has slowed. The HardHit% is down to his lowest since his rookie year. Offspeed pitches are breaking his balls like Anthony Quinn in Greece whenever he said, “No, I’m actually Mexican-American.” I wouldn’t trade Castellanos for a blue polo with a Best Buy logo, but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.