Maybe because Oneil Cruz casts a long shadow — a six-foot, seven-inch shadow — but this week feels especially geared towards replacing him, and there is no replacement, let’s be honest. Orlando Arcia definitely wasn’t replacing him. Orlando sounds like an either or with no right answer. Or…lando Calrissian is the only good that’s coming out of that question. He’s not the answer anyway; Orlando Arcia is hitting the IL with a microfracture in his wrist. Finally, the Braves have room for Ehire Adrianza! “Unless,” Alex Anthopoulos points at the dotted line on the contract that ties Vaughn Grissom up into a standard 14-year deal for $3 million that buys out arbitration years, pre-30 free agent years, and right-of-first-refusal to first-born son. Alex adds, “You have to call your boy, Andruw, in case we want to sign him, because it helps with merchandising.” Okay, yes, grab Vaughn Grissom in your league. He’s coming up! Yes, even that league! I gave you a Vaughn Grissom fantasy back in December, before I knew the Braves were going to play hardball off the field. A key takeaway there was when I said, “Last year in 141 MLB at-bats, (Grissom) hit .291. Maybe the .350 BABIP is a tad high. He’s fast though, so it might not be absurd. His 21.8% strikeout rate at 21 years of age is really the flashing light saying, “Hey, look at this! This is really good!” He didn’t come anywhere close to qualifying, but, if he had, his contact rate on balls in the zone of 89.9% would’ve been top 30 in the majors, around that of Andrew Vaughn (no relation) and Jeff McNeil. His strikeout rates in the minors were incredibly good, hovering between 11% and 14% depending on the stop in pro ball. He’s a guy you’re going to love to have in fantasy, and the Braves will because he’s going to keep getting on base.” And that’s me quoting me and totally misreading the Braves! But he’s here’s now and should be on your teams. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Cole Irvin – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 10.66, as he went against his old club, the A’s. Clearly, the A’s knew what to expect, game-planning beforehand. They said, “As other clubs did to Irvin last year when he pitched for us, when he throws one of his crappy pitches, hit the ball hard.” A brilliant plan!
Ryan Mountcastle – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Mountcastle holds a magnifying glass up to his eye, looking at a clue left behind, “It seems to me that this bat murdered more than just one ball.” Watson shakes his head realizing that Mountcastle is looking at his own bat.
Adley Rutschman – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer. But he’s no Logan O’Hoppe!
Brent Rooker – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in two days. Landlord screaming at his tenants, “Brent’s due, beeyatches!” Then moments later, “Sorry, was looking at my fantasy team. You still have two weeks for rent.” Brent Rooker isn’t merely a guy who spooners into Rent Booker, which sounds redundant, he’s also a hot schmotato! He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s here right now, and he’s Brent Rooker. Mostly that, that’s he’s Brent Rooker.
Javier Baez – 1-for-1 as he was moved down to the six hole, then removed for forgetting how many outs there were on the basepaths. Tigers have more dead weight than Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman in Weekend at Bernie’s.
Spencer Turnbull – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 9.00. After this very promising start, I went to look at Turnbull’s stats and, boy, them shizzes are trash. I’ve dug through trash to find a can to recycle that shizz for a nickel that was prettier. I wouldn’t even use Streamonator for him.
Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 7.63. I’m sorry, but against that Tigers team at home? This is really the best you got? This Bassitt is a dog.
Jhony Brito – 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.75. Hey, I’m just gonna leave this Pepsi right here on the counter of this bar run by the Mexican cartel. I’ll be right back! *four hours later* Wow, I must’ve fell asleep. It sure is chilly in here. Can someone sew up my chest? Wait! What?! Ah! Roofie!
Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-4, and his 2nd and 3rd homer. HR to the Izzo (repeat chorus)!
Edouard Julien – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer, as he hits leadoff. Just gave you my Edouard Julien breakdown yesterday, and he will be in this afternoon’s Buy column.
Michael A. Taylor – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Is it time we welcome *pinkie to mouth* M.A.T.? I suppose, but prolly just a hot schmotato.
Carlos Correa – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Wow, he is worth $200 million!
Joe Ryan – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Pretty impressive start or pretty expected start since I wrote a preseason sleeper for Joe Ryan and he really is excellent? Hmm, wonder which one I’m thinking.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, and also this was his 4th hit of the season! Okay, I kid, but not too far off.
Bailey Falter – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.80. Falter? More like f*** him!
Nick Lodolo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.12. LodoYOLO!
Nick Senzel – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. If you say his name three times, he will go back to the IL, so be careful.
Vince Velasquez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.40, as he held my father, Jordan Walker, hitless for the first time in his career, and for that I wouldn’t even look at the Streamonator for him. You have been excommunicated!
Connor Joe – 2-for-4, and his 1st homer. Where’d you come from where’d you go where’d you come from, Connor-Eyed Joe? Also, when’d you end up in Pittsburgh?
Rodolfo Castro – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Could be the beginning of a schmotato run, if he gets hot like he did last year? Or this could be nothing and we’ll never speak of this again.
Colin Rea – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks in his first appearance in 2023, and first start since 2020, but third time since 2019 he had to say, “No, that’s Caroline Rhea. I’m Colin Rea.” With Brandon Woodruff on the IL with shoulder inflammation, Rea could stay in the rotation for another start, or three months. Neither scenario makes him appealing.
Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Too bad, you had a chance to drop him last week, and now it would just look foolish.
Nick Martinez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.60. Meh, whatever. What I really want to talk about is Fernando Tatis Jr. hit three homers yesterday in the minors. LFG, FTJ!
Trent Grisham -1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Only mystery with Grisham that has stumped me is why is he hitting leadoff.
Jeffrey Springs – Left yesterday’s game with left arm ulnar neuritis. Y’all hoped Springs was eternal. The previous ulnar neuritis news — newsritis? — is some guys are back after missing one week (Romano), some guys miss three months (deGrom). Some guys have all the luck, some guys have Rod Stewart’s hair into their 80s. Rays said they’d update Springs today, so we’ll see.
Taj Bradley – Optioned back to the minors. *GIF of Antonio Banderas leaning back smiling so incredibly content* That’s the Rays having so many options that they can send a guy as good as Taj back to the minors. Now that Springs is injured, Taj might come right back. That’ll teach the Rays, they’re going to pay more for Taj’s travel than the cost of most of their bullpen.
Rob Refsnyder – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, as he hits third. He will be in this afternoon’s Buy column. If that doesn’t tingle the undertenders, nothing will!
Corey Kluber – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.92. Jokes aside (were jokes being made?), everyone knew Kluber was cooked. That alone should have the Red Sox questioning their GM. Not even a lot of questions. A few questions: How did you not know Kluber was cooked? If you didn’t know Kluber was cooked, then you’re fired for not knowing. If you did know he was cooked, then why did you sign him anyway? Finally, why is there no C?
Yandy Diaz – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. I discuss with Tiger Woods and Fred Couples about Yandy Diaz in the video at the top of this page.
Brandon Lowe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. God sitting in a corner booth in an Original Ray’s Pizzeria, eating a mozzarella stick, when he sees Ray Liotta walk in. God dabs his long-flowing beard of marinara and approaches.
“Hey, Ray, big fan.”
The pimply-faced kid behind the counter said, “Thanks!”
God corrected him, “Not you Ray’s, this Ray. Liotta.”
Liotta dropped a few bucks on the counter and said, “Thanks, listen, I ain’t got time for autographs or photos. I’m filming this movie, Cocaine Bear, and I gotta be back on set in like fifteen minutes.” And with that, Ray Liotta folded up his slice and left.
God, vengeful, mostly because he’s wearing open-toed shoes in the rain, shoots his arm up like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever and shouts, “All Rays will suffer!” And with that, the Rays the world over began to suffer, one by one by one by–“Except the Tampa Bay Rays, I have money on those,” God added.
