*walks into a Moroccan marketplace* I got me some Marra-CASH to spend! Hoo-ah! Wow, I sound a little like Al Pacino in my own head. Okay, I’m going to go over to that table that is filled with players to buy low. “Hello…*reads name tag* Djibooti, I see you’re selling slow-starting hitters for a deal.” “Good deal! Good deal!” “Well, I’ll be the judge of that.” *picks up Justin Upton* “This smells like skunk.” “No skunk! Good deal!” *goes through crates filled with albums that have a player’s face on them, lifts Lorenzo Cain* “How much?” “Djibooti need to check MLB Statcast.” Djibooti looks at his iPad, looks up and snatches Cain out of my hands. “No longer for sale!” “Damn, Djibooti, don’t put your emotions in a tagine and get them all heated.” So, Lorenzo Cain obviously was struggling mightily going into yesterday’s game, and, now, not so much — 3-for-5, 5 RBIs with 3 HRs (3, 4, 5). This is why I rarely sell low on struggling top 50 hitters. There was a reason they were drafted there in the first place. Now the buy low is going to be much more difficult too. “Djibooti, how much for David Price?” “You take for free! He’s yours!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Raul Mondesi – Suspended for 50 games due to cold medicine he took contained banned substance, Clenbuterol. The medicine was called Nykilltheball.
Chris Young – Will have an MRI on his forearm. They’re going to a zoo to use the 18-foot long MRI machine.
Mike Minor – Ready for rehab games. He’ll need to work on his pitches on Medlen’s day off since they share a UCL.
Cheslor Cuthbert – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Cheslor hopped on that Tanaka pitch so fast, I’m gonna call him Cheslor Q-Bert! What? No? Okay. Yeah, homers are rarely a part of Cuthbert’s game.
Mark Teixeira – Out with neck spasms. Spasms is such an ugly word. Can we say he’s out with neck epileptics?
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.11. Racist!
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI. Sorry if you own Ellsbury, but can he never return? Please.
Michael Bourn – Signed a deal with the Diamondbacks. It’s not a huge move, but I can say for certain it won’t be the worst move the Diamondbacks have made in the last six months. Bourn will report to Double-A Mobile, which, ironically, gets no cell reception.
David Peralta – Seeing a doctor about his wrist. I hear he’s going to see the doctor who treated the wrist of Steve Wiebe from King of Kong.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer. Au Shizz!
Rubby de la Rosa – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks in Coors. Rubby can’t fail! Well, he can, but he does have solid peripherals — 9.3 K/9, 2.7 BB/9, 3.50 xFIP. I can’t recommend grabbing him in 12 team mixed and shallower, but in deeper leagues there could be some value here.
Brendan Ryan – Angels acquired him to fill-in for Andrelton. If Ryan gets hurt, they will replace him with a roomba especially designed to mirror the Angels’ shortstops skills. This will require significant development to suck in baseballs and to fire them to the correct base, but very few tweaks for hitting.
Jhonny Peralta – Cleared to swing a bat. Though, for him, it should be shwing.
Mike Leake – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.10. Apparently, he was just waiting until the last of his fantasy owners dropped him.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-4 and two homers (5, 6). Carpenter nailed ’em!
Randal Grichuk – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Let’s see if this gives him a little more rope. The good kind of rope, not the bad kind of rope, though, they might be the same kinds of rope just with different intentions.
Nick Castellanos – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, .378. As Brando would call him, CaSTELLLLLLLLAnos!
Victor Martinez – 4-for-5, 2 runs with four singles for the Juan Pierre cycle! Surprised V-Mart is getting hot again. Actually, surprised anyone over the age of 45 can get hot again without standing by a furnace. Cougs’ toes are like ice cubes!
Joe Ross – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.29. *JB watching the game* Okay, fine, maybe he’s the 23rd best starter! Sadly for JB, right after Ross gave up the home run to Castellanos, the camera went into the dugout for the high-fives and there, leaning against the water cooler, in the shadows, out stepped…Shane Greene!
Bryce Harper – 0-for-3, 1 run. Might be suspended for returning to the field on Monday to celebrate the walk-off win after being ejected, as Harper also continued to yell at the home plate ump. What? Harper’s just trying to make baseball fun again. He just never said who he was making it fun for.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homers. He’d need to get hot for about a month before I’d consider him. For’serious.
Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-4, 4 runs as he hit 2nd. Four runs and Jose Abreu (1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI) is hitting right behind Rollins but Frazier (1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs), Melky Cabrera (2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs) and Brett Lawrie (2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs) all drove in more runs. Abreu’s like a BBQ Pitmaster. Stop sharing the ribbies and take some yourself!
Carlos Rodon – 6 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Sorry, I need to make excuses for him. The first two runs should’ve been unearned because Austin Jackson was playing freeze on a popup, and then the game went into an hour delay and he should’ve been replaced. He needs time to get into a groove and there’s no groove when you get delayed for an hour. Serious BS for Rodon yesterday.
Rougned Odor – 3-for-5, 1 run. Odor and Rodon should form a comedy troupe for dyslexics called, ¿Huh, Rodo’n Odor, Huh?
Bryan Holaday – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. His last name sounds like a peppy Spaniard you get stuck in a hostel with when you’re backpacking around Europe. “Hola day!” Oh, shut up, I’m hungover!
Ryan Rua – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Rua platoon player? Rua is are.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Shine on you crazy Desmond!
Logan Forsythe – Didn’t start yesterday due to sore shoulder from a HBP. Fun fact! It was once said that Don Baylor had the HBP virus.
Steve Pearce – 2-for-3 and two homers. Now has four homers in the last five games. Unfortch, there’s been like six games for the Rays in that time. Cash rules everything around the Rays clubhouse and he’s platooning Pearce.
Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 6 ER vs. Wade Miley – 6 IP, 4 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks. It turned out the idiom, he who Miley’s last, Miley’s the longest, is correct. I guess if Smiley would’ve pitched better, he’d be Happ-y (8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.05 vs. the Giants).
Dae-Ho Lee – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Not to sound totally ignorant, but does every Korean have a ho in their name? Is that some kind of Korean coming of age thing? When a Korean becomes a man, do they get a ho between their two names to remind them bros before hoes?
Franklin Gutierrez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. A Big FraGu sighting! Where’s Potsie?
Ketel Marte – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .303 and leading off. So hot schmotato I can’t even.
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .178. What comes first? Him hitting .220 or an injury? I’m going injury.
Matt Cain – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.69. Last night, the universe said, let’s make all Cains able. In related news, while watching Wheel of Fortune at home, Herman Cain figured out the clue, “You Big Dumm_!” before the contestant.
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.12. Is it possible to be underwhelmed with a 2.12 ERA? C’mon, deGrom, vajazzle me!
Alex Guerrero – Ready for his rehab assignment. Since all he ever does is sit on the bench, he should rehab his ass.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and two steals (10, 11). I just called…*looks at Villar on my fantasy teams*…to say, I love you. And I mean it…*makes heart hand signal that all 60-year-old women make*…from the bottom of my heart.
Hernan Perez – 2-for-3, 2 runs with two steals (2, 3). That reminds me of my baby boo, Villar.
Aaron Hill – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and has been hitting since his big game this weekend. Hot schmotato alert!
Adam Conley – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.72. Well, they can’t all be near-no hitters. For Conley, they won’t even all be near-Quality Starts.
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. I don’t know if it’s Bonds, what’s in Bonds’ special supplements or if OZUNA is just finding himself like a John Hughes character, but OZUNA is locked in.
Sean Manaea – 2 2/3 IP, 8 ER. Hey, I’m gonna leave my drink on the counter here. Will you watch it, Man Who Looks Like Danny Trejo But Scarier? Thanks! *five hours later* Is that a vending machine with human organs? Are those my human organs?! AHHHH!!! ROOFIE!!!
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer. To go with 7 steals, 26 runs and 19 RBIs. I.e, Betts you ain’t minding Mookie.
Travis Shaw – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .322. Who said he can’t hit for power? Pshaw!
Hanley Ramirez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He hit the ball so hard that Statcast didn’t show how many feet it was hit, it showed three cherries and made a jackpot sound. Though, that might’ve been a Foxwoods tie-in.
Lance McCullers – Said he’s ready to go. Finally, Ice T can show off his fantasy team’s name McCullers-Cullers-Cullers.
Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.86. I told someone in the comments yesterday that I wouldn’t own Bauer, and, while that is true, he gets the Twins in his next start, and I’d be his huckleberry for that start. I wouldn’t run out to grab Bauer though as if it were do or die with a ticking clock.
Ben Zobrist – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .305. When Zobrist told his wife that he went 4-for-4, she said, “I will pray to Jesus to suppress your stutter.”
Addison Russell – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs. He’s raised his average to .255 from .214 on April 29th (that’s nine games, Einstein bagels). I hate where he bats in the Cubs lineup, but it’s kinda like the Rockies in that there’s counting stats to go around for everyone.
Melvin Upton – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .257. I liked it better when the other Upton was hitting. They pull some kind of Parent Trap trick? Revert back to right Upton being good now!
Maikel Franco – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Ring that, Maikellllllllll-elllllllll-elllllllll, ring that, Maikel! In my head, just there, I was on The Voice.
Matthew Wisler – 8 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.27. I have a feeling that we’re gonna get to September and Wisler will still have a sub-3.50 ERA. Few reasons: A) He faces the NL East. B) Matchups. C) There was really no B, so obviously there’s no C. Is Wisler, therefore, worth owning, you say, pulling out the ‘therefore’ to make yourself sound all smart. Nah, he’s a streamer, deep league play.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Guess how many RBIs he has. Go ahead, I’ll wait. *twiddles thumbs, scratches ass, smells finger* Nine! Excuse me while I stifle a laugh. How many do you think he finishes the year with? 60? Too generous?
Jose Berrios – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.28. I’m all for trying out rookie pitchers. I’m a total whore for them! If you want to open a whorehouse, hire a Dolly Parton look-a-like and me as a young Burt Reynolds, I’m there for you! But, at a certain point, you gotta say to yourself, “Am I carrying this guy just because he’s a rookie pitcher?” I dropped Berrios three starts ago and haven’t looked back.
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Kevin Jepsen – 1 IP, 2 ER. Sometimes the regret runs very deep for how quick I am to pick up replacement closers. With that said (Grey’s turning the ship around!), I’d grab Trevor May, who should be the closer.
Adam Jones – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .210. Not to gang up on Freddie Freeman, but Jones is hitting sixty points less than Freeman, has twenty less ABs than Freeman and has more RBIs.
Manny Machado – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Macho, macho Machado!
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.16. See what I said about Berrios? I was saying that about Gausman when he first came up too. At some point, Berrios will be Gausman and Gausman will be deGrom only not this deGrom that can’t shutout NL West teams.
Raisel Iglesias – Said his shoulder is 100% pain-free. Well, that’s a pleasant surprise. I’d say raise the church roof, but that might’ve been how he hurt his shoulder in the first place.
David Freese – Was set to leadoff when the game was postponed. Even as I write that now, as I look at the projected lineup, as I think back on my life, and how I was told to trust my instincts and my eyes and not to read too much into things, I don’t really believe Freese was going to hit leadoff. What I believe is going on, we are all figments of Clint Hurdle’s imagination. He’s conjured us. And, to prove this to us, he’s given us hints along the way. Not huge, flashing signs that say, “You don’t exist, you’re in Clint Hurdle’s mind.” No, not like that. Small hints that Hurdle is our master, our overseer, the glass on this snow globe we call life. A hint like batting Freese leadoff just to see if we’d notice. We noticed, Hurdle, we noticed.