Sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. It’s the age, I’m told. Then, with only the faintest of amber glowing from behind my Squidward Tentacles nightlight, I catch a glimpse of myself. It’s the middle of the night, yet my hair is still perfectly coiffed; my mustache tenderly manicured; my eyes a dazzling shade of hazel, and I can’t help but be taken aback by my handsomeness. Well, instead of myself greeting myself every night from now on, I’ve printed out my Tout Wars team and hung it from the mirror, because it is sexier than even I could ever hope to be. Frankly, I’m worried that I might be in my office when nature calls for a twinkle, and head into the other room to find my much older wife making out with my printed-out team. “Get off the printed name of Juan Soto, Cougs! That’s my fantasy team you’re dry humping!” For those unaware, it’s 5×5, with OBP instead of AVG, two-catcher, 12-team NL-Only league, so don’t ask me how much Mike Trout went for. Anyway, here’s my Tout Wars draft recap:
C: Austin Hedges $1
C: Manny Pina $1
1B: Cody Bellinger $41
2B: Gavin Lux $15
3B: Ke’Bryan Hayes $1
SS: Nico Hoerner $3
CI: Josh VanMeter $1
MI: Keston Hiura $23
OF: Trent Grisham $15
OF: Ketel Marte $26
OF: David Peralta $13
OF: Juan Soto $40
UT: Mike Yastrzemski $7
Bench (free): Monte Harrison
P: Dinelson Lamet $13
P: Garrett Richards $7
P: Marcus Stroman $11
P: Kenley Jansen $16
P: Johnny Cueto $6
P: Pablo Lopez $6
P: Steven Matz $6
P: Tyler Mahle $2
P: Sandy Alcantara $4
P: Kevin Gausman $2
Bench: Ryne Stanek, Kyle Wright, Tyler Rogers
I’M GOING TO TRY TO BE IMPARTIAL, BECAUSE I’M JUST A SCREAMING VOICE IN YOUR HEAD RATHER THAN ACTUALLY YOU, BUT HOW DO YOU HAVE AN OFFENSE THAT LOOKS LIKE A 12-TEAM MIXED LEAGUE IN AN NL-ONLY LEAGUE?
I know, Mr. Al Caps, it is a gloriously-gorgeous, insanely-beautiful, adverbially-adjective team. My War Room totals (free with the Razzball subscriptions) are as follows:
You see the 1st line of 32s and then 16s? Those are the goals. You’re shooting for a 32 in all hitting categories and a 16 in all pitching. To put the exact same information a third way, I overshot everything, except Ks, Wins and Saves. To make things seem even more in my favor, because this is Razzball, and a Tout recap, so if I’m not touting shizz, what am I even doing? Look at this:
Those are my War Room totals prior to me drafting Nico Hoerner, Ke’Bryan Hayes and Josh VanMeter. See, players can subtract from your totals just as much as they add to them, so once I added those last three submarines, my totals went down. Look at those runs, homers and RBIs prior to the ditch diggers. That’s an echoing chef’s kiss from Times Square that reverberates out to the outlying boroughs because no one is on the street right now to dampen the sound. Naturally, I do have Nico, Ke’Bryan, and Josh VanMeter or NKBJVM or New Kids on the Block of Just Very Meh, but the War Room is assuming nothing from them. Rightfully, perhaps, but if they actually produce my team will set new offensive records for a 100-game season.
ARE YOU ALLUDING TO THE CORONAVIRUS AKA COVID-19? BY THE WAY, IS THIS LIKE DEER MEAT IS CALLED VENISON? WHICH ONE IS VENISON, COVID-19 OR CORONAVIRUS?
Covid-19 is 100% the venison in this example, and, yes, I’m alluding to a shortened season, due to the virus. I don’t know how any of this will play out. No one does. I’m guessing Nico Hoerner gets the job over Jason Kipnis, because if the Cubs only need to win 60 games to get to the playoffs, why not roll out their best bet for that? Does sending prospects, who are ready like Nico Hoerner, to the minors make any sense? He’s already debuted for the Cubs. They’re going to send him down to the minors for another whole season? Because the season will be shortened, so anyone going to the minors is not going to have much time to show anything down there. Similarly, will Ke’Bryan Hayes be in the minors for 70 games? Remember, minor league seasons will be even shorter if the MLB is shortened, because rosters will likely still expand, if they’re allowed to by law, and I just said that without even joking. It makes sense for the Pirates to play Colin Moran? Why? They tried him last year and he did nothing. Plus, the Pirates are already working on a contract with Hayes, so he could become a no-doubter for the majors like Luis Robert. As for Josh VanMeter, well, he’s Just Very Meh. Speaking of Colin Moran, someone on Sunday during my draft said he was the “steal of the draft” for $3. Something I had seen before, but didn’t fully articulate previously is that any time someone says “steal of the draft,” that is the pinnacle of the joy you’re going to get from that player. No one ever says, “Cody Bellinger for $41? Steal of the draft!” Instead they’ll say something like, “Colin Moran for $3?! Steal of the draft!” No, in fact, he’s not. No one cares who owns Colin Moran.
OKAY, SO ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, AS IS THE CASE WITH MOST OF YOUR TEAMS, WHAT’S UP WITH YOUR PITCHING STAFF? YOU’RE NOT EVEN PRETENDING TO DRAFT ACES ANYMORE.
I was optimistic we’d see baseball on May 1st. Now I’m actively rooting for June 1st. I’m not a doctor, scientist…Okay, I can’t even realistically play one of those in a schlocky high school staged production of Outbreak. But if we get 80-100 games of baseball, starting pitchers are going to be incredibly devalued. Think about this, if Jacob deGrom throws 130 IP and Dinelson Lamet throws 110 IP, which one would you prefer? Okay, deGrom, but by a difference of $25? Because deGrom went for $38. When it was 220 IP vs. 150 IP, it was a pronounced difference, that I wouldn’t even argue. Now? Oh, I’m arguing it. Speaking of which, I’m going to go through all my position rankings and subtract sixty games worth of stats from my projections. My plan is to go around the field and look at how a delayed season will affect each position’s rankings, since this year will be different, and drafting will also have to be different. This is not ideal, obviously, but none of this is. Since it can be done automatically, I’ve already updated my top 500 for 2020 fantasy baseball with all players down to 100 games. Ronald Acuña Jr. is now lucky to go 25/25; I want to cry.
