A friend of mine Pete Gabriel looked at my team and said, “This team is going to be a sledgehammer!” Then after a brief pause said, “I didn’t capitalize sledgehammer, and I am in no way related to Peter Gabriel or Peter Gabriel’s estate. Any potential confusion is just unfortunate mistake. Please don’t sue me.” Then after filling out a ten-page contract clearing him of any liability, he said, “Your hitting will go boom, boom, boom! Son,” he said, “Grab your things, your hitters will drive guys home!” Then, after a lengthy reconfirmation that he was 100% unrelated to Peter Gabriel, he said, “The light…the heat…Your team is complete in your eyes.” Then quickly added, “But I didn’t sing any of that so don’t confuse me, Pete Gabriel, with the Grammy-winning singer, Peter Gabriel.” It’s exhausting hanging out with that guy. For those unaware, this league is 5×5 with OBP instead of AVG, two-catcher, 12-team NL-Only league. Anyway, here’s my Tout Wars draft recap:
C: Elias Diaz $1
C: Andrew Knizner $1
1B: Anthony Rizzo $25
2B: Josh Rojas $4
SS: Trevor Story $35
3B: Josh Fuentes $4
MI: Orlando Arcia $4
CI: Colin Moran $10
OF: Juan Soto $44
OF: Cody Bellinger $36
OF: Raimel Tapia $16
OF: Cristian Pache $4
UTIL: Isan Diaz $1
Bench: Cole Tucker, Yonathan Daza, Drew Waters
P: Yu Darvish $27
P: Pablo Lopez $13
P: Tyler Mahle $9
P: Freddy Peralta $8
P: Luke Weaver $5
P: Daniel Bard $4
P: Mark Melancon $4
P: Spencer Howard $2
P: Anthony DeSclafani $2
P: Adrian Morejon $1
Bench: Aaron Sanchez
I’M GOING TO TRY TO BE IMPARTIAL, BECAUSE I’M JUST A SCREAMING VOICE IN YOUR HEAD RATHER THAN ACTUALLY YOU, BUT HOW DO YOU HAVE AN OFFENSE THAT LOOKS LIKE A 12-TEAM MIXED LEAGUE IN AN NL-ONLY LEAGUE?
I know, Mr. Al Caps, it is a gloriously-gorgeous, insanely-beautiful, adverbially-adjective team. My War Room totals (free with the Razzball subscriptions) are as follows:
One quick word about those totals, Cole Tucker was drafted as an extra bench bat, but this league has a Swingman — excuse me, Swingperson — and can be used for an extra bat, so two utilities. Or you can put an extra arm in your lineup, so ten pitchers. Most weeks I use an extra bat, unless the matchups are just too juicy, so my War Room is Cole Tucker in my lineup and Morejon out, but I drafted the team as you see it, getting Cole Tucker and other bench guys for free.
IS THAT YU I SEE ON YOUR TEAM? YOU DRAFTED A NUMBER ONE ACE? DID YOU HAVE AN ENCOUNTER WITH EXTRATERRESTRIAL BEINGS WHO CAUSED YOU TO BUILD A SCULPTURE TO DARVISH OUT OF MASHED POTATOES OR WAS THAT AN AUTO PICK? I WILL NOT EXCEPT ANY OTHER POSSIBILITY.
Like Gumby on a yoga mat, you have to be flexible. With pitching, I am usually very rigid. Instead of Gumby on a yoga mat, I’m like a chewed-up piece of green gum that has been sitting out for a few days, and if you try to bend it, it’s so brittle it falls apart in your hand. I don’t even bid on a pitcher once they go over $20. Just never happens. On our NL-Only rankings, we have Jacob deGrom listed as the #1 SP at $34, and he went for $40. Wouldn’t be me, I’m telling you that, while also pointing out that I’m telling you that. Our 2nd and 3rd starters are tied at $27 — they are Trevor Bauer and Yu Darvish. In my giant brained out head, I have Darvish above Bauer, but whatevs, I wouldn’t touch either. Then.
Dot dot dot.
As the bidding started to slow on Darvish at $26, I watched the clock tick down, and my price listed for him at $27, and I turned into that Marvel superhero who still hasn’t got a 4-hour film made about him, the Price Enforcer.
“I see a price that needs…Enforcing!” I screamed internally, as I spun around, transforming into the Price Enforcer. My cape got tangled in my ergonomic chair, but, as I fell to the ground, I pressed the button, bravely I might add, for Darvish at $27.
I’m sorry, y’all can go crazy for deGrom, but the 2nd best NL pitcher is going for $26? Not on my watch. With the addition of an ace, I simply readjusted my codpiece and game plan going forward. Though, slightly less so than usual, because at the end of the draft I had a 71% split, spending only $185 on hitting. Usually I’m about a 68-70% split.
YOU STILL MANAGED TO NOT DRAFT ANY CLOSERS, SO YOU CAN PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK FOR THAT, UM, “PRICE ENFORCER.”
It could be me vs. reality, but it feels a lot harder to draft saves this year. In our pitcher projections, Bard and Melancon are projected for 22 total saves combined. The unpredictability of saves says each of them could have 22 saves, and I could be fine (in this league, you’re aiming for around 40 saves), or I might get a combined five saves, and I’m a-big time a-screwed, like my Italian relatives would say.
WAS THERE ANY MOMENT WHILE YOU WERE DRAFTING HITTING AND YOU WERE LIKE, “I’M NOT TRYING TO WIN A 12-TEAM MIXED LEAGUE, SO MAYBE I SHOULD EASE UP ON THE BATS?”
Anthony Rizzo was about to go for $24, I have him down for $28 and
The Price Enforcer swooped in again from his usual job, price-checking grocery store items, and smashed that mouse button to draft him. Which was a mistake. The Price Enforcer adjusts his mask, which is just a bunch of clumped-togerther price tags, and says, “It was double coupon day at Von’s on Saturday, so I was sorta amped up going into this draft.” Hardly an excuse, Price Enforcer. I usually draft one $40 hitter, one mid-$30 hitter, then one or two $20 hitters, and I so did not follow that game plan at all. Throw Darvish into that and I’d like to blame it on online drafting vs. in-person, but like my surfwear says, No Excuses. Like Aroldis on a date, I should’ve used more restraint.