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If you’ve prayed to the House of Mustache, knelt before the King of Knows-A-Thing, drank from the Fantasy Master Lothario’s Kool-Aid, wept into the Cup of What Am I Doing With Jose Berrios, farted in the direction of everyone who drafts a starter early, then you did not enjoy Gerrit Cole (7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.14) last night. No worries, we are here for each other during these difficult days. If one of you reading this had Cole go last night, I am screaming, “Infidel,” at you while spraying you with vape juice (it’s all I have handy). We must live together without the aces and die together without the aces. Y’all who are sneaking aces are cheating and you best sleep with your eyes open. If you really want to know how Cole’s doing (why?), he’s doing great. His peripherals look as great as they’ve been post-Spider Tack — 11.6 K/9, 2.4 BB/9, 2.73 xFIP. The best ever he’s looked? Meh, not really. That was in Houston. The best he’s looked with the Yankees? Borderline acceptable to say that. Honestly, he’s great. Remember, it’s not about us missing out on Cole, it’s about the guys we’re able to get later in place of him. For unstints, his opponent last night: Shane McClanahan (6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.81). Imagine seeing both Cole and McClanahanananananananan’s numbers this year and being like, “That’s why you draft Cole in the 1st round!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Clay Holmes – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 0.55, and 1st blown save. What a bum!

Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer, htiting .238. HR to the Izzo.

Josh Lowe – 0-for-3 as he was called up. BDon and I go over Lowe on this week’s podcast that you can watch, rather than listen to, on our Youtube channel (click subscribe!) For those of you who prefer to read words vs. listen to them, Lowe’s 31.2% strikeout rate in Triple-A sure seems like a bad omen — like a bird flying in a house or your mother saying, “Oh boy, here comes the IBS.” Lowe needs to have a .375+ BABIP to even scratch and/or sniff a .240 average. He does have power and speed, which is always alluring. At some point, these em-effers are gonna click and you’re gonna be like, “Grey, your mustache and handsome face told me to pick up Vidal Brujan and Josh Lowe, and now you don’t seem quite as daffy.” Will that time be now for Lowe? No one knows, but that’s why we do flyers, you giant ding dong! I mean, over-the-internet friend.

Ken Giles – Activated from the IL. He missed the last five years with “something or other,” as defined by WebMD. He could move into the Mariners’ closer role eventually, but I can’t imagine it happens immediately, or within the next month.

Jeter Downs – Was called up by the Red Sox as a promotional tie-in with the upcoming ESPN film about The Captain. “What he meant to the city? How can you pinpoint one thing? Hmm…I guess if I had to say one thing, you had to know that if you were dating a 21 to 24-year-old she might come home at some point and say, ‘I slept with Derek Jeter last night, but he gave us a Harry & David gift basket.'” That’s a Yankee fan being interviewed about Jeter. So, the Red Sox have this Jeter — he must be a spy — and he’s a power and speed guy who might hit .190, as his strikeouts are currently out of control. Also, he might only be up until Enrique returns.

Jarren Duran – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st and 2nd steal. Can Enrique Hernandez get a paper cut that sidelines him for three months? Or just, ya know, get traded?

Josh Winckowski – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.68. So, Jack Suwinski, Josh Winckowski and A.J. Pollock get in a canoe? Jack says to Josh, “I thought only one Pollock was coming.”

Jeimer Candelario – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. He was activated with one sole purpose, “To make Grey seem slightly less insane for calling  him a sleeper.” Good luck with that, Jeimer!

C.J. Abrams – 0-for-3 as he was called up. As in, he was called up previously, and I mentioned he was being called up on Sunday. Or alluded to it. I’m gonna allude you! Which is what I say to the person stalking me, then tell them I spelled it wrong. Little salt in the ol’ eye. Lots of moves with call-ups, which is what we like. It makes the blood flow. All over. Rawr! Abrams is worth adding everywhere until Machado returns. He’s got crazy speed, and a little bit of power and average too. He’s toolsy, yo!

Manny Machado – Might avoid the IL. About what I was saying with Abrams. Umm.

Jake Cronenworth – 1-for-3 and a slam (7) and legs (1). Just did a Player Rater check-in on Cronenworth. Not bad, about as valuable as another guy who homered last night, Taylor Ward.

Trent Grisham – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, as he was moved to leadoff, hitting .189. For those wondering, Grisham’s been awful. Not startable in most leagues.

Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.17. Him pitching well this year after screwing me last year is one of the bigger gut punches for me. That and whatever Matt Olson is doing.

Tyler O’Neill – Hit the IL with “this is gonna be a lost season for him unfortunately, boy, does it suck.” The only remedy is “seeing who else is on waivers.”

Miles Mikolas – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.64. Fo’ reals, know what’s nice about running NL Central pitchers out there? There’s no good teams.

Aaron Ashby – Hit the IL with forearm inflammation. Ah, yes, just that little bugaboo that sidelines pitchers for 15-18 months. I’m sure it’s nothing.

Corbin Burnes – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Was my number one pitcher coming into the year, and still has to be the favorite for number one. Maybe Sandy Alcantara or Gerrit Cole are within social distancing of him.

Tyrone Taylor – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Meh, hitting 9th now and he’s so “Two random weeks in May” anyway.

Trayce Thompson – Traded to the Dodgers for cash. The cash was in unmarked bills. Shoot, it was actually green, blank paper from Staples. Not cool! Thompson was hitting .305 with 17 HRs in the minors this year, because he’s older than some managers.

Anthony DeSclafani – Might start on Tuesday. Hey, that’s today!

Logan Webb – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.26. Was about as tough a matchup as you get with him visiting a red-hot Braves team. By the by, one of the hottest hitters on the Braves? Michael Harris II (3-for-3). He’s making me want to go back and watch the first one!

Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He’s having quite the month, and also just barely passed teammate, Contreras, for homers.

Max Fried – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.77. He touched 100 last night. Not bottles on the freakin’ wall! MPH! Wow, not sure where that came from, but I likey.

Taylor Ward – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .313. “Hey, if we toss him in the grinder we could make Taylor hamburgers–Whoa! Hold on! He’s alive!” Shows you how good his April/May were, because his June has been awful. Hopefully this is him coming out of it.

Noah Syndergaard – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Is it me (it’s not me) or does this not at all seem like the Syndergaard of the Mets?

Hunter Dozier – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (7) and legs (2), hitting .259. One who seeks a nap: Hunter Dozier.

Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (1). Okay, enough of that! Nicky Lopez (2-for-4, 1 RBI, 5th steal) got his 6th RBI on the year in his 63rd game played. He’s on pace for 15 RBIs on the year. Vogelbach had more ribbies yesterday in a Chili’s.

Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Sal Perez was prolly happy to be catching Bubic, since Syndergaard was giving up so many steals. “Catching Bubic” also sounds like a really bad YA novel.

Yoan Moncada – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Machado accidentally knocks his foot from his leg and could avoid the IL. A White Sox player sneezes and misses 12 weeks.

Luis Robert – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Please hit, like, 10 homers in the next two weeks. Please!

Andrew Vaughn – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .330. I have Vaughn in a lot of leagues. Mostly leagues where I can’t drop him. I knew he was hitting for a good average; I had no idea he only had seven homers. Thought it was like 12.

Joe Kelly – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 9.39, and the save. Signs your manager might be drinking: Holding Joe Kelly for the save. Yo, what on earth? Seriously, did Tony La Russa get hit on the head? Is he a dry drunk or what? This is batshizz crazy. Kendall Graveman (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.43 who pitched the 8th) is about as lights-out as they come. Joe Kelly had one good moment in his career, hitting Correa with the ‘you mad bro’ face. That’s it!

Jose Berrios – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.11. Two steps forward, one step back onto a big freakin’ landmine.

Cavan Biggio – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Hey, as long as he only faces Joe Kelly, the Biggios have another HOFer in their family.

Oneil Cruz – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs as he was called up. I didn’t believe it until I saw him in uniform. Understand now why the Pirates waited so long, do you know how much he’s going to cost them in fabric? The Pirates’ tailor had to sew six Jolly Rogers together for each leg. So, the Pirates actually called him up, then proceeded to bat him 6th, but he was protected by Bligh Madris (3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal), who might be another Captain promotional tie-in. We get it, ESPN, you have a Jeter film coming up.

JT Brubaker – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Guy who watched Pirates for the first time in five years, due to Oneil Cruz, “They just need a 1st baseman and a few more arms.” Seriously, though, Brubaker didn’t look awful. Streamonator did love this start, though, and is kinda meh on his next.

Daniel Robertson – Acquired by the Phillies to operate as a bench bat, and sound like a closer. “Hey, we got Daniel Robertson, he was shutdown for the Cubs!” That’s a Phils fan falling for it.

Trevor Rogers – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.83. You can wait for him to be better, or you can also send postcards to your leaguemates saying you’ve been in a coma for the last two months and could they please backdate your drop of Trevor Rogers for the last two months. The latter solution is a lot more preferable than holding him as he ruins your team. For actual information, Coolwhip sent me this, “Trevor Rogers is still broke, hasn’t corrected the issues yet I pointed out in my Trevor Rogers breakdown. He corrected his breaking balls some, but the fastball still is way off from the others.” And that’s me quoting Coolwhip!

David Peterson – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Streamonator loved Peterson yesterday, as it should’ve. Good work, robot head!

Ender Inciarte – Signed a minor league deal with the Mets. Signing Ender is the Mets putting the finishing touches on being a contender.