You wanted to sell R.A. Dickey, but no one was buying. Seeing last year as a fluke. Said he couldn’t do it again. Said you had too much fruit in your tapioca for even drafting him. They told you go fly a kite with Dickey, but not around children or it would be weird. Then Dickey throws a two-hit shutout yesterday with 6 Ks and you showed them that the only good thing that ever came out of being a naysayer is horse whispering. Or did you? Do you know anything more about Dickey than you did two days ago? He says he’s been dealing with cold weather and a sore back and he’s blaming the WBC. Excuses are like Alcides Escobar, everyone has one and they all smell. Did Dickey’s back suddenly clear up? Because he gave up six earned in his last start. Was the weather in his last start cold and Dickey shrunk up? This shutout was against the Rays, who are now 10 for their last 99 against him. They see Dickey and immediately go limp. Finally, your Dickey looks to be pointing in the right direction, but I wouldn’t start writing his name on your underpants just yet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Reyes – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. His owners are just happy to have him back. Now if he can steal 32 bases tomorrow, they’d be happier.
Adam Lind – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer. He’s no Puig, but Lind or truffles? Both delicious.
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4 with his 22nd homer. E5 needs a new nickname. Edwin-Powered? Hot Edwings? Not Juan Encarnacion?
Roberto Hernandez – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. You ever have a guy that looks good every time you look at him, yet he’s hot garbage? Roberto Hernandez is that guy for me. I look at his pitching lines for what feels like every fifth day, but obviously I’m missing something because he has a 4.98 ERA. Roberto Hernandez, who are you? And don’t say Fausto Carmona!
Dexter Fowler – Sat out with a sore wrist. He tweaked it on Tuesday. Here I thought Kluber was the only tweaker.
Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. That’s about as surprising as Donald Trump talking favorably about himself.
Michael Cuddyer – 2-for-4 and two solo homers, hitting .344. Far from exciting, but more valuable than Prince Fielder, Pujols, A-Gon and a host of others, according to our Player Rater.
Clay Buchholz – Underwent an MRI on his trapezius, but everything checked out. Doctors found some springs, four leg stands, and a high-wire guy above it.
John Lackey – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks, 2.99 ERA. As I said last time he pitched, his peripherals look like he’s usable in all leagues, even if I Lackey enthusiasm for him. And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Shane Victorino – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .298. Better yet, he wasn’t injured yesterday, though I went to sleep around 11:45, so can’t account for the last fifteen minutes.
A.J. Griffin – A two-hit CG shutout with 2 walks and 7 Ks. This was his first career shutout. His ERA is now down to 3.56. Would be awesome if it stayed there all year, then we can call him Oaktown’s 3.56 and sing, “A.J.’s gotcha crazy!” Alas, that dream will probably end when he takes on the Cubs in his next start, which is favorable, especially since it comes at home. In fact, the Stream-o-Nator likes his next start better than today’s (and liked today’s a lot). A.J.’s gotcha crazy…gotcha crazy…gotcha crazy!
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. 2 more and he gets a Donaldsonnet. (Assuming it’s within the next two weeks so I remember.)
Jeff Mathis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Guarantee you Mike Scioscia just switched his fantasy catcher.
Placido Polanco – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. I hope they returned the ball to him.
Steve Cishek – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 14th save, ERA down to 3.24. Someone knows how to get the heck out of Miami. WHOA! Buster Olney just tweeted this: Yanks talking to Marlins about Cishek, will send them Vernon Wells and $240 million.
Raul Ibanez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 18th homer. Lock your doors, close your windows, maybe close your windows first. It’s Raul Ibanez and he’s a Zombino!
Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. Pittsburgh. F-Her has been manhandling everyone in his career, but Pirates have been especially bad. Easy, GLAAD, there’s no hidden message there.
Yoervis Medina – 2/3 IP, 1 ER. Is this a point in Oliver Perez’s favor? Am I really rooting for Oliver Perez? Yes, yes I am.
Neil Walker – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. He usually gets as hot as a pitchfork in hell, and has two hits in three of his last four games, so it’s worth noting this could be the start of something.
Jeanmar Gomez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Fun fact! Saying his first name gives me phlegm.
Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 0 ER and got the save. Clint Hurdle announced that Grilli wouldn’t be used in this Mariners series due to his 28-pitch Sunday. Geez, Joe Torre threw some pitchers for twice that amount in back-to-back games. Hurdle’s really using kid gloves with Grilli. Or maybe that’s oven mitts. Things could go either way here. Grilli could pitch on Friday (or the next day a save opportunity presents itself) and get shelled again and Melancon takes over immediately, or Grilli’s fine. I’d stash Melancon now just to be safe. Just shows you the Pirates are serious about winning and won’t hesitate to remove their 1-something ERA closer with their zero-something ERA middle reliever.
Jon Niese – Hopes to resume throwing next week. Could get pushed to ten days if he sees his nose shadow.
Ruben Tejada – Will begin a rehab assignment later this week. Hopefully, it’s not a media zoo.
Shaun Marcum – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. After Tuesday’s huge offensive explosion, it was back to the dead ball era yesterday across of baseball. This was best illustrated by Marcum pitching against the White Sox the way that Wheeler was supposed to.
Eric Young – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. Young has 97 ABs on my RCL team. He’s hitting .320, that’s nice. He only has 3 steals. Not so nice. It’s ain’t AGNOF, man. C’mon.
Tommy Hanson – Headed to the DL with forearm tightness. Tommy was playing too much of that mean pinball.
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-3, 1 RBI. Don’t cha wish your outfielder was hot like this? Don’t cha, don’t cha.
Chris Perez – Will be activated today. His dog, Brody, who was busted with a large package of marijuana, wishes he could see it, but he has terrible glaucoma. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge, woof*
Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-3 as he was activated. Big day for returning shortstops, huh? MLB must’ve got their infieluenza shot.
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. A bit of a spirited debate yesterday in the comments about Kipnis. Who is Jason Kipnis? A 20/30 guy? Well, right now he’s on pace for way more than that…Okay, not way more, but more. I don’t buy the 30-steal speed from him or the 20+ homer power. Remember, he got to the All-Star Break last year with 11 homers and ended the year with 14. We’ll see. Or not. Your choice.
Scott Kazmir – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 BB, 4 Ks but left the game with back spasms. Or return to sender spasms as is the case with him.
Torii Hunter – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Looks like he’s enjoying his time vs. the Angels. Spitey man, spitey man, does whatever a spitey man can, but less than a spitey Puig.
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer as he hits .370 to go along with his 78th RBI. Only 51 more RBIs than Josh Hamilton. Pfft!
Jose Alvarez – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. The Angels carved him up just as he turned into pumpkin.
Drew Smyly – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER. That shizz ain’t funny. Stop your damn smiling!
Erick Aybar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer and 4th steal for the ever-delicious slam & legs. This comes a day after I highlighted him about his hotness. It’s almost like he’s winking at me. Not in a weird way. Like in a, “Good blurb writing, kid,” way.
Mike Trout – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th steal. His last name is a fish, but he seems like a mammal. You know, a G.O.A.T.
J.B. Shuck – 2-for-4, 2 runs. Aw, Shuck, I think Bourjos’s has now been Pipp’d. It’s not completely bonkers by The Sciosciapath as Shuck is hitting .583 in the last week and has two steals, 6 RBIs and 8 runs. Sufferin’ Shuck-atash, he’s not bad at all. We got a live one, y’all!
Yovani Gallardo – 4 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks. Ah, there’s the poison pill I dropped. Finally, I get some relief from YoGa. They should have bikram schadenfreude. Sit in a sweaty room and laugh at others’ misfortunes.
Norichika Aoki – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and 2 steals. About time he showed some signs of life. Aoki usually gets hot — not bikram schadenfreude hot — but hot. If someone got fed up with him in your league, I could see grabbing him, in a non-sexual way.
Juan Francisco – 1-for-4 and his 2nd day in a row with a homer. I wrote off Tuesday’s homer or rather I didn’t write about it, because everyone homered on Tuesday, but Juan-Fran could be showing signs.
Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Think it’s the first time I’ve watched him this year. Doode got old. He looks like a shell of his former self. Like someone pushed a giant piece of Silly Putty against his head, pulled it off and put it on a mannequin.
Ryan Sweeney – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer and third in the last ten games. Getting no love from the Hitter-Tron, but that’s because Sweeney doesn’t have a metal tuchus.
Jake Peavy – Played catch for seven minutes. It was with one of his fantasy owners after the bottle landed on Peavy.
Paul Konerko – Sat out two days in a row due to back soreness. If you drafted Konerko, you probably feel like a Paul-bearer.
Alexei Ramirez – 2-for-4 and his 18th steal. Damn, Alexei’s running around like a commie in a John le Carré novel.
John Danks – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Mess. Danks? No Danks.
Billy Butler – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. I watched him run from first to third on Sitting Shiva Perez’s double and this was what Butler was mouthing around 2nd, “Pick ’em up, put ’em down, pick ’em up, put ’em down…”
Salvador Perez – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and stranded at 2nd base three times because the Royals are batting Hosmer third. Are you kidding me? Move Perez in front of Butler, you jackholes! Is it that hard to fill out a lineup card? You have your best hitter at leadoff, one of your worst at 2nd and third and then your good hitters again at 4th and 5th? You’re seriously playing Miguel Tejada? You trying to get yourself out of innings? You trying to get in more commercials? Fix your lineup!
Alex Gordon – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. That’ll help him drive in…Miguel Tejada?! Seriously, is this a joke?
Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .357. Confession time! In one league where I mostly drafted the team, we’re battling for first. Rudy was on IM, but I have a lot of my fingerprints on the team; I think he’d agree to that. Any the hoo! I left at one point during the draft to go tinkle and when I returned Rudy had drafted Yadier. I was annoyed at the time. I don’t mind it as much right now.
Allen Craig – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer and his 2nd in as many games. Considering he’s on the slowest crawl to a 20 homer season, it’s about time he started to show some power.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks and his 11th win. Yawn, he’s awesome, yawn.
Anthony Rendon – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .354. He’s now hit in eight of his last ten games. Hasn’t shown much much power or speed, but he can be around a .300 hitter as of right now, so this isn’t completely fluky. It’s partially fluky — we’ll call it flartially — that he’s hitting fifty points above .300.
Wade Miley – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Nats. Damn, I almost streamed him here, but after the Nats explosion on Tuesday, I got cold feet. Maybe that’s my tight socks though.
Jedd Gyorko – Has a setback during his rehab. He was removed after aggravating his groin. I missed a good year or two in middle school, aggravating my groin.
Robbie Erlin – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. He made Prospect Scott’s top 50 fantasy prospect list. He also said, “The 22-year-old isn’t flashy, but his command is top-notch, and his approach to pitching is simply wonderful like the Carvel ice cream cake I special-ordered with Grey’s face and a baboon body.” Hey! That’s not cool. Erlin is unlike many young pitchers in that he doesn’t have the huge upside, but also doesn’t have the big downside. He could definitely settle in as a very usable Hodgepadre once he’s up for good, which probably isn’t yet.
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks in Petco. Ugh. If he comes out in September that his shoulder has been bothering him all year, you should demand the Phils pay for your fantasy league fee.
Tim Lincecum – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. Maybe Lincecum didn’t get a haircut but that really is k.d. lang pitching for him.
Buster Posey – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last two games. Not a far cry from his MVP season, but a far-ish cry.
Yasiel Puig – 3-for-4. No homers or steals? WTP?!
Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. I don’t draft number ones, but Rudy doesn’t mind it and drafted Verlander for us. Man, I wish he defied me with Kershaw instead.
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal. Making it look effortless. Oh, wait, it is. Luckily, the seams of insouciance aren’t showing yet.
Dylan Bundy – Headed for TJ surgery, which is a fitting donkey punch to his keeper owners. This will knock him out for about 14 months. To preemptively answer your question, he won’t be relevant in fantasy leagues until June of 2015. By then, I’ll be writing this blog from the inside of my flying car. See you then, future boy!
Leonys Martin – 1-for-4 and his 13th steal, and his 5th steal in the last 11 games. I’m crushing a bit on Martin. He so crazy!
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. For those of you who have been longtime readers know that I didn’t want anything to do with Beltre for a few years, but this year I own him and love him, so there’s hope for anyone, even Mike Moustakas.
Ichiro Suzuki – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (12). This is his third homer in the last week and third steal. Don’t expect 240 hits and teenaged Asian girls fainting when he passes them (unless he’s wearing a Bieber-Hello Kitty combo t-shirt), but he’s hot.
Mark Teixeira – Headed for season-ending surgery on his wrist. Uh-oh, I feel a rhyme coming on… About Tex’s wrist, can’t be that pist, you knew there were risks, I got multiple fur coats — minx!
Alex Rodriguez – After he tweeted that he was cleared to play in rehab games, Cashman told him to, “Shut the f*** up!” Cashman is now getting Melky’s cousin to build a social networking site called Fuglr that at least limits his messages to muscle-bound females.
