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Yesterday, Tarik Skubal (9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.49) had one of the best starts ever fo’ reals fo’ reals fo’ reals fo’ reals…fo’ reals! FO’ REALS!  As I continue to say fo’ reals in different intonations, the Fo’ Reals Police break down my door and drag me away, I’m told that I’ve become ungovernable with my fo’ reals, and the City Council meets to vote on whether they can ship me out of town because I fo’ reals’d too much, but, due to a by-law in the state constitution that says, ‘No one can be shipped out of town fo’ fo’ reals’ing too much,’ I’m allowed to stay. Before I leave the City Council meeting, I scream, “Fo’ REALS!” and I’m blindsided by a ripe tomato to my temple, knocking me out, when I wake, I ask, “Fo’ reals?” Pitchers in MLB history with a 9-inning, complete game shutout, 13 Ks and in under 100 pitches? Tarik Skubal. No one else. Skubal had a higher Game Score (96) than the number of pitches thrown (94). First time that’s happened since Adam Wainwright in 2021. Somehow, a Maddux with that many Ks feels impossible, yet here we are. We have a top 100 starts of the year list, and I doubt anyone beats him the rest of the year. Shoot, no one may beat Skubal for the next few years. He is, as they say, fo’ reals. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Marcelo Mayer – 2-for-4, 1 run, as he was called up on Saturday. When you got fruit, you juice it, amiright? Okay, and what if that fruit is a ripe I-Knowi-The-Futerry. It’s a cross between a kiwi and a cherry and it knows the future. Don’t you juice it? I do and did when I decided to predict the future on Friday with my Marcelo Mayer fantasy. How did I know Alex Bregman would be hurt? I couldn’t have known that, right? Didn’t I just say I am juicing an I-Knowi-The-Futerry? I already know what you’re going to ask in the future, they’re from Honduras and I ordered them off Temu. Why does that matter? What matters is I told you Mayer was on his way and here he is. What’s that? How come I said Bubba Chandler was coming and he’s not here yet? Oh, so you don’t think he’s ever being promoted? (In all seriousness, I asked a Pirates’ beat writer when they thought Bubba was coming up and they said early-June, so soon!) So, I’d guess Marcelo Mayer is up for as long as Bregman’s IL stint, and will stay up if he hits (or get sent back down if he doesn’t). I’d grab him in all leagues to see what he can do. Why don’t I just drink some I-Knowi-The-Futerry juice to find out how well he’ll do? I’m all out and Temu’s jacked up the prices!

Walker Buehler – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.95. Due for some positive regression though, his xFIP is 3.93.

Trevor Rogers – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, as he was called up. The already stacked O’s rotation just got stacked’ier! They knew what they were doing when they traded Connor Norby and Kyle Stowers for Rogers! Okay, I kid, but Rogers did look good and–They already sent him down? So they could keep Charlie Morton? What are they doing?

Ryan O’Hearn – 3-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (8) and legs (2). O’Hearn put the O’s on his back and screamed, “Let’s go, fellas!” as they move one game over the White Sox for the worst AL record.

Dylan Carlson – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .133. O’s have three guys in their lineup hitting worse than .212. One of them is Adley. [raspberries lips]

Zebby Matthews – 4 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 7.71. Only going four innings is meh, getting nine Ks in those four innings got me rethinking. I’m like the Kombucha Girl over here with Zebby. Final decision maker for me was Streamonator, and it says Mariners, which has me holding in 15 teamers and deeper.

Bailey Ober – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.41. Ugh, Ober’s ERA goes under 3.50, which means he gets rocked next time out so it goes back to 3.90, and lather and repeat.

Kris Bubic – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.45. Boob-Itch or Skuboob-al to start the All-Star Game, a problem no one thought conceivable two months ago.

Matthew Liberatore – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.73. Since the opening week, I’ve been tooting Liberatore’s horn so much, homeboy’s gonna Metoo me.

Masyn Winn – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer, 3rd homer in May and hit around .260 in that time, and .262 for the season, so, yeah, I don’t know. Also, sonavabenched me yesterday because I didn’t realize the Tigers were playing at, like, 8 AM my time. Ridiculous east coast bias. Or whatever coast the Tigers are on.

Nolan Arenado – Made a spectacular catch, but looked like he hurt his back significantly. Could open playing time for Gorman, who’s incredibly mid, as the kids say. Oddly enough, the kids never say “as the kids say.”

Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Don’t make me do the ERA math, removing his one terrible start.

Justin Martinez – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.09. How many wins you think the DBags have blown just because they’re like, “Shelby Miller is our best reliever not our best closer.”

Brandon Pfaadt – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.90. I don’t what happened to his Ks, but they are so sad. Streamonator likes his next one, and I could see it, but I’ve lost a lot of faith in him.

Jacob Wilson – 3-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .350. He’s a better version of Luis Arraez. Call him ArrA’s 2.0.

Gunnar Hoglund – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.13. Good news is he’s almost exactly meeting his projections. Bad news is what his projections were.

Trea Turner – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .310. Treat Urner’s letting the dog loose.

Jesus Luzardo – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.15. Orioles could’ve traded for Luzardo instead of Rogers. By next year, Mike Elias is gonna be cohosting on Sirius with Jim Bowden.

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.66. I got in for  the two-start week, and it went so well that now I need to summon all the self-sacrifice a fantasy baseballer has in his soul to not hold Keller for another start. Please, give me the courage to move on.

Oneil Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .236. It left the park at 122.9 MPH, the hardest-hit ball in the Statcast era. He beat out the previous record holder, O’neil Cruz, his evil Irish twin.

Logan Henderson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.71. Yes, you should pick him up. I keep saying that. Also, we just had the Logan Henderson fantasy by Jakkers.

Jake Irvin – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.42. Ya know where he’s perfect? The league where I have him, an NL-Only league. Getting excited by him in mixed leagues is [waves hand by nose] stinky of desperation.

Kyle Finnegan – Dealing with shoulder fatigue. This is great news, I only have Finnegan in 78 of 79 leagues. I only named my firstborn, Finnegan-is-on-my-fantasy-team. I’m not invested at all! Jorge Lopez got the save on Saturday. This feels like one of those, “How badly do you want saves and not care about your ratios?” In most leagues, I ignored Lopez, but I’m not above SAGNOF if you’re desperate.

Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.56. He’s been great, and as careful with going wide on balls as his tailor.

David Peterson – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Imagine not loving A Man D. Peterson. Wouldn’t be me, Ronald Miller.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Albombso!

Kodai Senga – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 1.46. Mets SP with a 1.50 or lower ERA through first 10 starts in a season: Jacob deGrom and Senga. Sell!

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, tying the top mark in the majors. Before the game, he also threw a bullpen, touching 97 MPH. Yeah, he’s a mortal.

Landon Knack – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.22. Somehow I escaped this two-start week of Knack’s and I don’t want back in.

Andrew Abbott – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.77. If I’m getting Metoo’d for Liberatore, then I’m canceled and locked up for Abbott. If you don’t have Abbott in your league, you basically have ignored everything I’ve said all year, which means you’re reading this because you just love me. Said very coyly, “Hey!”

Joc Pederson – Hit the IL with a hand fracture. Not sure why they IL’d him, nothing could hurt his hitting further.

Alejandro Osuna – 0-for-3 as he was promoted by the Rangers. Ooh, they bought billboards for him? Saw someone say that Osuna was called up because the Rangers’ offense was lackluster, then I looked at his Triple-A numbers and I chuckled. He had a line of 2/9/.279 in 154 ABs. Ha, that’ll fix them. I guess he’s fine in a deep league if you need steals.

Jake Burger – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, three homers this week. That Burger gonna eat!

Robert Garcia – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.45, as he got his 2nd save. Luke Jackson worked a random 6th inning and Garcia looks like the new Rangers’ closer. Or Bochy will realize Garcia’s a lefty and opt for Armstrong or Webb for no reason. As closer, it should be Garcia, but put ‘should’ in one hand and–Wait, how are we putting ‘should’ in a hand?

Miguel Vargas – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and six homers in May, and hitting .260-ish in that time, which is yawnstipating and that’s exactly what 3rd basemen are. On the Player Rater, Vargas is the 16th best 3rd baseman, and there’s been roughly ten good ones all year. This is also me talking through how I’ll never replace Bregman.

Oscar Colas – Signed by the Angels. I know they’re called the Angels, but do they have to claim everyone who is left for dead?

Edward Cabrera – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.73. Baseball is so funny (not funny). Angels look excellent, then face the Mehlins and get held by a guy who had a 5+ ERA coming into the game. In fairness, Ed-Cab has a solid month of May with a 2.54 ERA, after a 7.23 ERA in April.

Ronny Henriquez – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save, ERA at 1.78, and the Marlins have an actual good closer. Just like that. No one else in that bullpen is any good, so I’d give Henriquez all the saves. Will 2025 Marlins Manager of the Year? I don’t know, but he should.

Chris Bassitt – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.38. “Regression Fairies weren’t supposed to attack him, his peripherals were good!” I scream, as no one listens.

Ryan Pepiot – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.55. Bassitt’s peripherals are better than Pepiot! Yes, I’m being a big cry baby. Leave me alone!

Brandon Lowe – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .238, 3rd homer in four games. Is he available? Then hot schmotato alert.

Michael King – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. Padres’ rotation is now Pivetta and Cease and pray, and they have one of the best pitching staffs! There’s zero pitchers, guys and five girls. I don’t even know what you do with that info. I guess they recall Kyle Hart, hopefully you have better options.

Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.58. My kingdom for him to bear down and become an ace for, like, a month. It’s all I ask.

Gavin Sheets – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .283. He’s knocking on the door of a top 10 1st baseman on the Player Rater.

Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Macho, macho Machado!

Grant Holmes – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.68. His long-flowing locks of tangles freaks me out. It’s too humid for that shizz, ain’t it? I keep my gorge hair styled-close and coiffed for any weather. Any hoo! Holmes has a 8.4 K/9, 4 BB/9 and close to neutral luck, i.e., he’s throwing about as good as he’s throwing. He does get a decent amount of grounders, so that helps, but also homers allowed. Again, it’s all kinda neutral. Sorta like Neutrogena, his shampoo of choice.

Spencer Schwellenbach – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.42. Now that’s how you look like the first starter I drafted. That’s nice! Even Schwell.

Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Member in April when I was worried that Framber didn’t look good? Yeah, that was me overreacting and he’s fine.

Colton Gordon – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.52. Colt-Go is fine, but ton-don, is perfection. Sounds like a new Japanese noodle spot. Because the command is so sweet for ton-don, he’s managed to make somewhat meh stuff work. Streamonator hates his next, but I’m willing to open it up from AL-Only to 15-team mixed for him.

Christian Walker – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Legit thought he retired, and was about to send a welfare check. Are we sure he didn’t retire and have someone else where his uniform?

Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Woo, indeed. (He can only throw Woos or Boos, this is his lot in life.)

Colin Rea – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.28. Regression Fairies singing, “These boots were made for walking and that’s just what they’re gonna do, these boots are gonna walk all over your ratios.”

Seiya Suzuki – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Seiya ball!

Miguel Amaya – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. To replace him, Cubs called up…

Reese McGuire – 2-for-5 and his 1st and 2nd homer. The 1st homer had me confused, I didn’t know how he got that jack off, but, by the 2nd homer, I knew what to expect, having seen his long-ball stroke. We don’t usually cover uniform numbers here, but McGuire is wearing number 20. Last worn by Mastrobuoni. Oh, the Cubs know what they did.