Yesterday, Robinson Cano went 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and became the oldest 2nd baseman to ever hit three homers in a game (and he still has 4+ years on his contract!), hitting his 7th, 8th and 9th homers, and nearly had a fourth homer, but pulled it fowl (Mets sold the rights to their foul poles to Chick-Fil-A; don’t ask). Kill me now:
Seriously, lay me down on the hot pavement and let Tawny Kitaen stomp my genitals like I’m Chuck Finley. The awfulness of owning Robinson Cano coupled with actually owning him for a three-homer game while he’s on my bench is too much to bear. Sprinkle Doritos dust on my head, put me in an office chair, and roll me towards Billy Butler, then run the other way so you spare yourself. He was going against Chris Paddack (5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.84) — my baby boo! — how could I start Cano? How? *screaming in the rain, shaking fists at the heavens* How?! So Cano hasn’t been good, but maybe this is the turnaround he needs. More than likely, I’ll now put him in my lineup for an 0-for-45 stretch. HOW?! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jason Vargas – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.96. After a steady diet of junk, Vargas was shoving, which could describe his pitching or him greeting reporters.
Yandy Diaz – Hit the IL with a left foot bruise. Incredibly, and this timing really is incredible, Matt Duffy returned from the IL at the very same moment. What’s the chances? 1,000,000 to 1? 5 million to 1? 1 to 1 and they activated Duffy because Yandy was hurt?
Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Conspiracy Theory Alert! Someone put a audio clip of Chris Berman in The French Terminator’s head, and now every time he goes to the plate he’s saying, “I’ll be back-back-back-back-back-back.”
Mitch Moreland – 0-for-2 as he was activated from the IL, after missing six weeks with a quad injury. He said, “I was hoping to miss the minimum ten days, but that turned out to be unrealistic #quadgoals.”
Marcus Walden – 1/3 IP, 0 ER and the save, ERA at 3.55. 100% sure that Alex Cora thought the Red Sox would’ve traded for a closer by now so he never had to use Eovaldi as the closer, and now that they haven’t yet traded for one, and Eovaldi is back, he’s like, “No, of course, Eovaldi is not the closer, are you nuts?”
Trea Turner – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, as he hit for his 2nd cycle. Treat Urner with one of the best games of his career, and I’m happy for him. I will stick a noisemaker in my butt and play Take Me Out To The Ballgame in fits and sharts, but, if I’m being honest, I would prefer four steals.
Byron Buxton – Had three wisdom teeth on Friday, which has caused his delay in returning. The good news is the three wisdom teeth brought with them gold, frankincense and myrrh.
Domingo German – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.03. The Twins’ offense is like a bunch of Hit-Girls. They look harmless. What can Jorge Polanco do (3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, and his 15th homer)? Nelson Cruz is old (1-for-5, 2 runs and his 21st homer). Miguel Sano (2-for-6, 5 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer) isn’t very good, right?
Didi Gregorius – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 6th homer. Didi is dangerous. You don’t want to mess with him. Didi is the only Yankees shortstop ever to have multiple 4-hit, 7-RBI games. Though, in fairness, the Yankees have a long storied history, but never any great shortstops.
Gary Sanchez – Left yesterday’s game after apparently tweaking something. You wanna tweak something? Look at Gary’s stats for the last month. That’ll tweak TF out of you.
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .247. But the Noo Yawkers are more jazzed about his game-saving catch, “Oh my fahkin God, Teresa, you’re standing in the way, okay, not you, ya freakin’ hair, it’s all teased up and I can’t see the game, oh my fahkin God, he caught it!”
Tim Anderson – Will begin a rehab assignment in Charlotte today. Hope he got consent first.
Caleb Smith – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.30. Through five innings, he had a perfect game, but, even after losing that and the shutout, he still cruised through two more innings. Not saying I like him way better than Paddack, but I’m finding myself a little more interested in Smith, especially since Paddack’s going to get shutdown and Smith likely won’t. You could say *blushes* I’m Smitthen.
Wade Miley – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Nearly got the complete game shutout, but faltered in the 9th and his opponent Mike Fiers (7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.57 — Fiers from Oaktown’s 3.57 juicy got you crazy!) was so very, very worse with his 11th straight Quality Start. Too bad you could never get Miley and Fiers in a draft with their 400+ ADP, because they’re currently top 30 starters on the Player Rater, above guys like Aaron Nola, Tanaka, Syndergaard…Okay, I won’t rub it in further.
Yuli Gurriel – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. He had 4 homers total as of June 9th. Yup.
Merrill Kelly – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.22. You before the game, “I don’t trust Kelly completely, but he’s got the Orioles and I’m ready for that O’s face!” You after the game, “Hello, Cheesecake Factory hostess, can I have a corner table to eat and cry?”
Renato Nunez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer. Any ideas how many homers he has? I’m gonna say you’re low by about five to ten. He has 24 homers. Nope, his average is over .250 so it’s not that. Yes, he’s been better than Khris Davis. It’s not close, actually.
Dwight Smith Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Hello, old friend! I thought you retired after you’re big April.
Anthony Santander – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in a week. Don’t want facts and shizz to bog you down, but on the 7-day Player Rater, he’s been a top 25 hitter. Hot schmotato alert!
Alex Dickerson – 2-for-5, 2 runs, and his 6th homer. I told you to buy him last Friday; he’s hitting near-.500 in the last week, and I know he doesn’t sound good in theory, but he has been.
Dee Gordon – Hit the IL with a left quad strain. He went from 50-steal burner to ‘burner phone you need to get rid of’ overnight.
Rougned Odor – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in the week. I know, I know, he’s hurt me too, but he does occasionally have these month-long stretches that make us believe again (only to hurt us again eventually).
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-5 and his 17th homer. All aboard the Seoul Train!
Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. And the Suarez says…Dong!
Jesse Winker – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .261. He didn’t run out of the box on a possible double, was thrown out at 2nd, then was conspicuously pulled for Ervin. Good luck getting out of David Bell’s doghouse, and better luck fitting in it next to Raisel!
Joey Votto – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .263. As terrible as Votto has been (there’s that word that should be hyphenated again), he’s been better than Benintendi.
Tanner Roark – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.95. Reds jumped out to a huge lead, so Mr. Roark sailed past Fantasy Island and straight to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W. Streamonator also likes his next start, assuming he gets back from his maritime adventures on time.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Au Shizz!
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.40. Said it yesterday, might say it again tomorrow, will say it here…*pats brain pockets* Crap, I don’t know what it is that I was going to say. Oh, that’s right, I don’t trust Pirates pitchers.
Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.64 vs. Matt Boyd – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.07. The Tigers gave away free home run-catching gloves in the outfield for this matchup, but these two only gave up one home run combined. That’s nightmare fuel for Rob Manfred.
Trevor Bauer – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Only 117 pitches? That’s not even worth an aw shucks! You couldn’t even shuck an oyster with that crap!
Dalton Pompey – Was DFA’d. Took a while to find him. Pompey was buried in the ash from Gurriel’s volcanic hot streak.
Justin Smoak – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Justin is the type to get Smoak’ing hot, so I could see a short-term add. Might even call him a *pinkie to mouth* Smoak’tato. WUT?!
Aaron Sanchez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. I read that Sanchez was pitching well, and I was thinking about how I hadn’t talked about him much then I saw his ERA was 6.06 and my brain slowly backpedaled out of thinking about Sanchez.
Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.32 vs. Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.50. I was thinking the other day that it seemed like offense had come down a bit recently and there were more solid pitching performances. Then I remembered the media cornered Manfred about the juiced balls at the All-Star Game, until he gnawed through Peter Gammons’s ankle and escaped. So, I thought just maybe the balls were different post-ASB, which led me to look at actual data and the post-ASB ERA in MLB is 4.71, which is laughably bad. This is a long way of saying (and even longer still) these were good pitching performances but the ball is still jumping.
Adalberto Mondesi – Will be reevaluated on Thursday in Kansas City. Well, you have your instructions Mondesi owners. You need to go early to the Kansas City clinic where Mondesi will be reevaluated, hogtie the doctor in a broom closet, pretend to be the doctor and tell Mondesi his shoulder is fine and can play on Friday. Our teams are relying on one brave soul out there to take an assault and battery, and kidnapping charge.