[brid autoplay=”true” video=”1380460″ player=”13959″ title=”2013 Fantasy Football Tight Ends” duration=”160″ description=”0:23 Darren Waller 0:56 Cole Kmet 1:45 Kyle Pitts” uploaddate=”2023-08-13″ thumbnailurl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1380460_th_64d83e81af895_1691893377.jpg” image=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1380460_sd_64d83e81af895_1691893377.jpg” contenturl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/sd/1380460.mp4″ width=”480″ height=”270″]
Reid Detmers (7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 BBs, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.93) had a no-hitter finishing up the 7th inning at 104 pitches. Then, during the commercial break, he went into the dugout, with a notary public and wrote, “I, Reid Detmers, of sound mind and body, hereby bequeath my shoulder to science, so Phil Nevin will let me throw a 200-pitch no hitter, and I ask that it be called The Last Voyage of Detmers after that weird-looking vampire on a boat movie that is getting terrible reviews.” With that, the notary stamped it, and it was official forever. By the way, you ever walk into a notary and ask them to notarize something and they’re like, “This paper says you’re ruler of the U.S. and China. I can’t notarize this,” and you say, “Don’t make me go to war with your notary store.” No? Meh, guess it’s me! So, Reid Detmers either throws a gem or a dud. While he almost threw a no-no, he knows no in-between. He allowed 29 runs over his last 25 1/3 innings. Then, this. His peripherals look great, like he could be a 2024 fantasy beast, but I also don’t even know what we’re getting from him in his next start. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Shohei Ohtani – 3-for-4 and his 42nd homer, hitting .306. Can’t believe he has less homers than Matt Olson and Olson’s ERA is at 0.00.
Jon Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Related but unrelated, every time someone writes a comment about J. Gray, I have no idea if it’s Jon or Josiah.
Christian Walker – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 27th and 28th homer, and four homers in three games and fifth homer in five games. Check out all these sheep just roaming on the countryside, right? Dawg, we need a dog to shepherd ’em. Or, maybe, a pause like the world has never seen before. The pause allows me to bend down to pick up a staff made from the most precious mineral on earth, Rhodium. A Rhodium staff, and sheep without a shepherd? Oh my God, that’s Christian Walker’s music! Someone asked yesterday for my Christian Walker 2024 ranking. Who would be first, Walker vs. Machado? I honestly don’t know. It’s a tough one. Feels like it’ll be Walker, but both in the 30-55 range. Obviously, there’s still a few weeks to make a more compelling case for Christian Walker’s 2024 fantasy prospects, and he’s doing it.
Nolan Jones – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Think he could be a sneaky pick next year, even knowing Bud Black will try to screw me. Am I kidding? Hmm, looks down to contemplate the true meaning of kidding, then looks up quickly to say, “NoJo!!
Alex Bregman – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. Somehow he manages to be top 50-ish every year on the Player Rater by the power of counting stats. What a boast, man, but not to Bregman.
Kyle Tucker – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, 2nd homer in two games, 3rd homer this week. Mr. H2H connotes a guy who is as regular as prunes, but Mr. H2H’s having a great 2nd half. Must be the H2H playoffs. Gets him all charged up.
Chas McCormick – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. If you remove his 46 at-bats in the month of May, he’s hitting .315 on the year.
Jesus Luzardo – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.13. Jesus is not only his name, but also an exclamation that means, “Oh man, I wanted to win my fantasy league and that does not help,” or “I’m going to call my mother to openly weep.”
Matthew Liberatore – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.12. “Boy, he really ___, and it smells like dog ____.” That’s a Matt-Lib.
Zack Gelof – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 7th steal, hitting .294. Wow-ee-wee-wow.
Paul Blackburn – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.09. His peripherals actually say he should be even better, but here’s the quiz, hotshot: Do you really pick up an A’s pitcher with a 91 MPH fastball? That is not just a meh fastball, it’s one of the worst, flattest, grossest–Well, thankfully he has three better pitches.
Matt McLain – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (13) and double legs (10, 11), hitting .298. Put McLain on all my 2024 teams right now.
Andrew Abbott – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (zero walks), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.99. Out of habit I looked at Streamonator for him, and it liked last night’s and likes his next too. Hey Abbot, going through them like hats from Susquehanna.
Gabriel Arias – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Looks like a rising light schmotato.
Adalberto Mondesi – Shut down from baseball activities. First positive bit of news for him in a while, because I had no idea he was doing baseball activities.
Pablo Reyes – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He’s been hot, and I will mention him in this Friday’s Buy column, that is already up on Patreon.
James Paxton – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.34. Paxton finds himself amongst a bunch of schmohawks in the comments when being asked to rank guys. It’s like, “Lance Lynn, Drew Smyly or Paxton? Choose one, Mr. Handsome.”
MacKenzie Gore – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.38. Left the start with a blister, but doesn’t think he’ll miss his next start. In general, dude’s cusping. Cusping to greatness.
Stone Garrett – 2-for-4, and his 8th and 9th homer. Sonavabench! Don’t even ask why I have him and am not starting him. It’s too painful. Let’s move on.
Michael Chavis – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Just grabbed him in my Tout league to replace Brett Baty, and he’s already out-fantasied him in two days. Same league where I moved Garrett to my bench! Okay, moving on.
Bryce Harper – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 8th and 9th homer. Does Harper get to 12 homers? Smart money says yes, but the smart money liquidated all cash into crypto and can’t get its money back. Nah, nah, maybe Harper’s elbow is finally feeling better, and a big final six weeks is about to happen.
Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.58 vs. Kevin Gausman – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.24. Oh, man, Nola polluted an otherwise-reliable Gausman. Keep your poison away from him, Nola!
Daulton Varsho – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. World’s worst 20/20 season is within grasp!
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. You could put the 76-year-old Miggy Cabrera in the Braves’ lineup and he’d have 30 homers and 85 RBIs.
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.54. The Yikes doing a turn back the clock night called, “Suck Like It’s The 80’s Yanks.” An all-season promotion. Fun!
Cal Raleigh – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Raleigh’s got a wagon like Mrs. Met, I won’t be taking questions at this time.
Julio Rodriguez – 4-for-6, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 29th and 30th steal, hitting .261. Get some yum!
Nelson Velazquez – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 3rd homer this week. Not sure if he has the playing time, but hot schmotato alert!
Marcus Stroman – Out indefinitely with rib cartilage fracture. Chicago BBQ is weirder than their pizza. (Fighting words!)
Christopher Morel – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .260. Morel’s even got room to grow. Mushroom.
Javier Assad – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.11. Back-to-back Quality Starts, and already thinking about making some bad decisions with his next start vs. the Tigers.
Mike Clevinger – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.26, but lost the win when Gregory Santos (0 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.00), closer, Congressman, bull fighter and hand model collapsed in the 9th.
Clayton Kershaw – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.48. Guys like Kershaw should be first ballot HOFers and they shouldn’t have to wait five years. They should have a separate vote where if you get like 12 of 15 votes from another committee you get on the ballot immediately.
Kerry Carpenter – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer. Also, in this game, Riley Greene (3-for-4, 4 RBIs) hit his 11th homer. Together, they’re Greene/Carpenter. Or the savior on the planet The Great Gazoo is from. The image of The Great Gazoo praying to a Green Jesus makes me laugh, my brain might be broke.
Spencer Torkelson – 2-for-5, and his 20th and 21st homer, and four homers in the four games. As they say in Bangladesh, all Tigers are hot. Have you had tiger massaman? Mama massaman! This is in no way referring to Ben Gali, the Rangers’ shortstop in the 70s, who popularized putting curry on his teammates’ jockstraps, and Jeff Burroughs attributed it to his huge 1974 season. NL MVP of the same year, Steve Garvey, used to eat curry out of crotches too, but save that for those reading his Playboy interview. That the Tigers are so hot makes me question the pitchers they’re facing, but, here we are, and Torkelson is worth a pick up, if he’s out there in your league.
Edouard Julien – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .293. Juli, Juli!
Jorge Polanco – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .242, 2nd homer in a week. Worried that Jo-Po not only sounds like a prison, but he’s a prisoner of a knee injury he can’t shake.
Max Kepler – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer, hitting .239, 2nd homer in five games. He’s the Twins’ three-hole hitter? Um…*free dives down 300 feet, comes back up to the surface*…if you say so.
Josh Lowe – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Also, in this game, Brandon Lowe (1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 16th homer; Luke Raley (1-for-2) hit his 17th. Like the Rays are at Club Med doing the limbo — Lowe, Lowe, Raley.
Aaron Civale – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.44. When he came off the field, Civale said to the Rays’ trainers, “Hey, why are you guys mummifying me in bubble wrap and confiscating my social media accounts?”
Johan Oviedo – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.55. Went to look at Streamonator for him and it said, “Have you lost your mind?”
Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .266. He hasn’t been great, but, if being honest, I figured once he secured a contract from the Pirates he’d be taking a multi-year siesta.
Trevor Megill – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.53. Fun fact! Conjugating him is Igill, Megill, Yougill.
Pete Alonso – 1-for-4 and his 36th homer. Albombso!
DJ Stewart – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, and three homers in the last two games.
“Hey, skip, you called me into your officer to talk?”
“Yeah, Deej, take a sit. So, how do I put this? Listen, we’re trying to suck.”
“Skip?”
“Yeah, we have to lose and you’re, well, making that harder than it needs to be. Look at Brett Baty, he knew how to suck. You want us to call him back and move you back to the bench?”
“Nah, coach, I thought the object was to win.”
“Do you hear how stupid you sound?”
