Yesterday, Dirt McGirt, Dirty Nasty, Tha Ol’ Dirty Chinese Restaurant, Big Baby Jesus, Odubel Herrera went 0-for-5 with 5 Ks. Last Phillie to do that was Pat Burrell. Burrell remembers wistfully, “Ah, yes…’Slump Buster September 2008.’ That was Jamie Moyer’s granddaughter’s friend. She was like a keg with two arms. She looked like Matt Stairs with longer hair. I believe Brett Myers introduced us. Now that I think about it, maybe that’s why she was always flinching.” Odubel’s average is down to .226 and his OBP is .275. M-E-T-H-O-D MAN that is bad. Shame on a Herrera. Ooh, baby, I like it raw, but that’s filled with salmonella. He swings at the third most pitches outside the strike zone and his strikeout rate is up 4% while his walk rate has fallen 4%. Put it all together and you have one of the worst hitters in the majors right now. So, can he come out of it? Future: Cloudy. He’s more of a .265 hitter, but swinging at balls outside the zone can quickly spiral and shove him further into his slump. Before last year, he had a full season of 8 HRs and 16 SBs, couple that with .265 and you’re not looking at the guy you thought you were getting in March. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Vince Velasquez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.55. In this game, his ERA was 1.80 and his WHIP was 1.80. That’s synchronshitty.
Tommy Joseph – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s been there for the last month, so why wouldn’t he? Not to answer but to nod, droopy eyed, while throwing a peace sign like you’re a flower child.
Trevor Story – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .188. He goes back to Coors and hits 7 homers in ten days then how you gonna buy low? To misquote Kendrick Lamar, “He can’t fake humble just because you’re insecure. He can’t fake humble just because you’re insecure.”
Tyler Anderson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.40. As mentioned yesterday, the Rockies have the best road ERA in the majors. Though, as the Stream-o-Nator points out, Anderson is home for his next start.
Gregory Polanco – Was activated from the DL and didn’t start. This is a new one. If you’re not starting someone, why not just let him spend another day on the DL? For a bench bat? Okay, but McCutchen didn’t start yesterday, couldn’t he be the bench bat? Okay, I have Dusty Baker news later and need to save my energy.
Adam Frazier – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .361. You can wait until this afternoon’s Buy to grab Frazier, but I bet he’s gone before that in competitive leagues. Dude’s on fire like the guy on the cover of the Wish You Were Here album.
Ivan Nova – 8 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.83. “He’s cruising through eight innings, do you want to throw him in the ninth?” “Who are you?” “Clint, I’m your pitching coach. The world famous Ray Searage.” “Ray Something, huh? Yeah, let’s pitch Nova until he gives up multiple runs for no reason in the ninth inning. Now don’t bother me, I’m playing Words With Friends against some 12-year-old in China and he’s beating me! Xi my ass!”
Francisco Cervelli – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .258. He had three singles and a double, which is also known as a businessman’s lunch at a strip club.
Jameson Taillon – Threw a 35-pitch session. He said he felt great and his protective cup is so much more roomy.
Rio Ruiz – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .320. I grabbed the Ruiz River in one NL-Only league, and it’s a tributary to how well he’s hitting.
Ryan Braun – And I think we have a winner! Braun aggravated his calf injury last night, and sounds like he could miss at least Friday’s game. If he does, Stumanji! (his exclamation) will have won! (My exclamation.) Incredibly, he was the first person to pick during Monday’s contest. Stumanji!, pick a shirt out of the Razzball Store and comment on this post with the email where I can reach you.
Robbie Ray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.45. When he’s on, there’s not enough eggplant emojis in the world for me to express my love for him. He’s like my NL McCullers, and I will call him Robbie Bae.
Chris Owings – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .315. FWIW, and it’s prolly W a lot since you’re reading this, on my RCL team where I’m running away from the league, I’ve owned Owings (almost stutterer!) all year.
Gregor Blanco – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .293. He hit leadoff yesterday, but it’s been Gregor or (still stuttering, huh?) Reymundo.
David Price – Will be activated on Monday. This is gonna turn out great. I might be misusing the word great.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (8). Finally, his 1st homer. Bogaerts went longer without a homer than it took Lauren Bacall to get Bogart’s smell of cigarettes out of her car. If this is his only homer, we’ll always have May 25th.
Drew Pomeranz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.70. Yup, you guessed it, time to take another look at him. Be right back! Well, his K/9 and xFIP are kinda purdy. Velocity looks fine, and BABIP shows he’s been unlucky. Unfortch, Fenway has an inflated BABIP and I wouldn’t trust him to come close to a 3.50 ERA this year. Matchups appeal? Yeah, can see that.
Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 0 ER, 4 Ks (!), ERA at 0.87. If ‘The Kimbrel’ is a three-out inning with three Ks, what’s a four-K one? The Uberel? The Craig Mack? The Kimquat!
Justin Verlander – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.87. The last time I talked about Verlander I said he’s not right, whether it’s mechanics or health. Today did nothing to change that.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .378. Tell you what, Just Dong made up for lost time real quick. He only gives you 120 games, but gosh darnit if those aren’t the best 120 games he can give.
Justin Upton – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (4), hitting .242. Upton’s had a relatively streak-free season so far. This blurb was brought to you by the nerdy frat at your college. We’re streak-free.
Brian McCann – Says he feels fine and expects to be activated from the concussion DL on Saturday. Reporters were less convinced McCann’s head injury is all better when McCann said, “I’ve never been so proud to be a North American fur trader. Hi-ho Silver!” then rode a mop out of the clubhouse.
Marwin Gonzalez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .282. Imagine your league’s waivers is an episode of Hoarders. Okay, now imagine this hoarder collects cornermen with power.
Juan Centeno – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and second in as many games. Isn’t his name that song that Jose Feliciano does? “Juan Centeno, I said Juan Centeno, I said Juan Centeno. Yo soy un hombre sincero, I said Juan Centeno!” Right? No? Hmm. Any hoo! He had three homers in about 6 years of the minors, so, yeah, pass.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Hasn’t done a ton recently, but he walked three times on Wednesday, so he could be seeing the ball well. Then again, the one thing waivers doesn’t need is yet another power-only first baseman. Can we get a 1st baseman that steals 35 bases? Please.
Brad Hand – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 2nd save as he looks about as iffy as closers come. The Padres are saying Hand is drawing trade interest. That made me laugh at how blatantly contrived that sounds. Contrived news! That’s the expression, right? Maybe the Padres heard Dusty flip a toothpick into his mouth and shout, “Look, ma, no Hands,” and thought that expressed interest.
Dinelson Lamet – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks in his first major league start. As stenographers say, his name is a handful. Are you going for Danielson? Any hoo! Lamet looked nasty popping the mitt with 98 MPH speedballs. He only has two pitches though, and can’t locate either of them for spells. B-A-D C-O-M-M-A-N-D. As mentioned the other day, he’s more of an NL-Only or deeper mixed league guy, but he could surprise major league hitters the first time through the league. I don’t mind him, and like him the best out of all healthy Padres starters.
Kenta Maeda – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.08 as he was activated from the DL. Don’t tell me we have to wait six weeks until he’s back in the groove, then he goes back to the DL after his next good start.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.50, xFIP at 2.91. Samardzija’s headed for one of those in-his-prime-on-the-Marlins Nolasco-type years. *looks up* No balloons? That’s gotta be a world record for most hyphens in one sentence. C’mon! By the way, who rigged ceiling balloons in my house? *blushes* Okay, it was me!
Kris Bryant – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .292. Not to draw attention where there really shouldn’t be any, but he’s on pace for about 75 RBIs.
Kyle Schwarber – 0-for-4, 4 Ks, hitting .181. I get the sense that soon Maddon’s going to be giving Schwarber rope to hang himself, but it’s gonna be licorice rope and Schwarber’s going to fall through the planked floor.
Ben Zobrist – 3-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 3rd homer in four games, hitting .350 in the last week. To continue the above licorice rope thought, Zobrist has long been a Maddon fave, and, if he’s getting hot, Schwarber’s licorice rope is going to be that very stringy type vs. the thicker one that your childhood friend, who is now in prison, used on his guinea pig with a note the guinea pig obviously didn’t write….Or did he?! Damn, if we only had a nanny cam back then.
Jason Heyward – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd in three games. Yes, bad time for Schwarber to be ice cold.
Eddie Butler – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 1.93. Butler’s K/9 is 5.8; his walk rate is 6.4. That’s a Butler who will bomb like Desmond Pfeiffer.
Matt Andriese – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.24. I streamed him because the Stream-o-Nator liked it, and I dropped him right after. By the by, this is the 2nd time I’ve streamed Andriese and have a 0.64 ERA, 0.93 WHIP with two wins in 14 IP. No lie, the best thing that’s happened for my RCL team is losing Kluber to the DL, and I kinda wish I’d lose Cueto to the DL too.
Cameron Maybin – Exited game with knee soreness. Had been about as hot as anyone has ever been in the history of schmotatoes. (Schmotato history isn’t accurately kept.) Then he gets hurt. That’s so Maybin!
Cam Bedrosian – Could face live hitters in the next day or so. He’s been sidelined with a groin problem longer than John Wayne Bobbitt.
Edwin Diaz – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 8th save. So, what you’re saying is I didn’t need to own Tony Zych, James Pazos, Nick Vincent, Mike Timlin, J.J. Putz and Tom Wilhelmsen? The last three were for past indiscretions.
Ariel Miranda – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.22. Fantasy Baseball Miranda Rights: You have the right to own Miranda. Anything you say about Miranda being better than he is will be met with silence. You have the right to consult me about owning Miranda with or without your fantasy team co-manager present, but I’d prefer you relayed the answer rather than sending them here for me to repeat myself.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .296. Before, Before and After for $400. “She was the 2nd hottest celebrity Grey’s ever seen in public, he was the bad boy of the Brat Pack, and he is the 35-homer outfielder on the M’s.” Who is Ashley Judd Nelson Cruz?
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 4th homer in three days, hitting .283, OBP at .380. You’re making me feel weak in the knees, Rendon, and I love it. Shower me with your power and butterfly kisses!
Koda Glover – Dusty named him the closer. So much to unpack here. First, I was saying Glover should be the closer since March. I’m not saying that to be like, “Look at how smart I am.” Everyone knew Glover should be the closer! It was as obvious as the acne on Edward James Olmos’ face! Now, Dusty says this yesterday, actual quote, “Koda was kind of lobbying for that in the first place. We wanted to break him in slowly because this guy’s… Shoot, he’s only a year-and-a-half out of college. So he had said that’s the job he wanted, and so it’s his now.” WHAT?! He was kind of lobbying for it? Who else would lobby for Koda to be the closer? Manafort? Was it good or bad that he was lobbying for it? Does this matter? I don’t even know. Then, ‘We wanted to break him in slowly,’ while in nearly the same breath saying he was just in college. Hahahahahaha, WHAT?! “I wanted to break in my shoes slowly…so that’s why I’m wearing them on this 78-mile hike up the Matterhorn.” Then, ‘he said it’s the job he wanted, and so it’s his now.’ *starts to overheat, head shakes* Did Kelley, Treinen, Albers or Enny say they didn’t want the job? Is Dusty confusing Koda for the front office telling him that Glover should be the closer? Can people just tell Dusty what job they want? Why do I think this is not true? My ulcer is exploding!