The other day I had a dream that Giancarlo and I were hosting a white party in the Hamptons, and I turned to Giancarlo and said, “You know who else I wish were here?” And he said, “Zsa Zsa Gabor?” And I said, “No, we’re not gay in the traditional sense. We’re only gay for each other.” Then he said, “Well, who do you wish were here then, silly?” And I said, “Ronald Acuna,” only I said it in exclamation marks shaped like Gregorian letters, if Gregorian letters is what you call these things I’m typing out with my hand-toes. That’s right, snitches, Greycarlo is sending out Evites and Ronald Acuna’s invited! And guess what, jerks? I also drafted Ronald Acuna on a fantasy baseball team (for SEO)! This league was hosted by CBS’s Scott White, and all your favorite ‘perts were there, like that one guy whose name you forgot, and that other guy who has diabetes who you also can’t remember. They were all there! Oh, and returning champ, our very own, Lance Broshitz! Anyway, here’s my 12-team, NL-Only draft with some thoughts:
C: Austin Hedges – $6
C: Manny Pina – $2
1B: Rhys Hoskins – $27
2B: DJ LeMahieu – $20
3B: J.P. Crawford – $8
SS: Trevor Story – $21
MI: Johan Camargo – $2
CI: Wil Myers – $25
OF: Ronald Acuna – $19
OF: Yasmany Tomas – $3
OF: Ian Desmond – $20
OF: Yasiel Puig – $19
OF: Ryan Braun – $18
U: Magneuris Sierra – $1
P: Yu Darvish – $25
P: Felipe Rivero – $19
P: Patrick Corbin – $10
P: Jason Vargas – $3
P: Sean Newcomb – $3
P: Vince Velasquez – $3
P: Jerad Eickhoff – $2
P: Chris Stratton – $2
P: Walker Buehler – $2
Bench: Mike Montgomery, Lane Adams, Tyson Ross, Scott Kazmir, Carlos Asuaje, Brock Stewart, Tommy Joseph
I WISH I WEREN’T ALREADY BOLDED AND CAPPED BECAUSE I’D LIKE TO EMPHASIS SOMETHING.
You can try underlining.
FAIR ENOUGH. YOUR PITCHING SUCKS, YO! DID YOU POOP YOUR PANTS MID-DRAFT, RUN TO THE BOUDOIR TO CHANGE SAID PANTS AND MISS THE PART WHERE PEOPLE DRAFTED PITCHING?
Allow me to show, rather than tell where my team is at, according to my War Room. (I was using our NL-Only auction values that are on the site. In fact (Grey’s adding on!), there’s fantasy baseball auction values for all kinds of different types of leagues.) Here is where my team ranks for each category — excuse formatting, I don’t know how to make rows wider in Excel. Okay, I don’t even know if they’re rows or columns:
You see how there’s numbers above each category?
JESUS FLIPPIN’ ALOU, WE CAN SEE THE NUMBERS!
So, I have way more offense than I need, and less pitching. It’s obvious. I knew after I drafted Ryan Braun I was gonna be in a pinch for pitching (say that fast 117 times!). I shouldn’t have drafted Ryan Braun. He was listed on my values for $26, and I was caught price enforcing at $19. I assumed someone was going to $20 on him, but, when you assume, you make umé out of ass. If I had Braun’s $19 to go towards pitching, my entire team would be in better shape. Though, I’m not as concerned about my pitching as those above numbers would lead one to believe.
YOU OWN JASON VARGAS, YOU JACKASS!
While it is true I do own Jason Vargas, there’s a ton of other value found in my pitching staff. In my top 20 starters, I go over how I like Darvish now on the Cubs, and in my top 60 starters, I talk about my love for Patrick Corbin, if you follow that link to my Patrick Corbin sleeper. Vince Velasquez, Jerad Eickhoff, Sean Newcomb and Mike Montgomery are guys I love, and say hello to my little friend, Felipe Rivero. Yes, he’s my only closer, but, as you see in the above chart I’m at 12.6 points out of 14 in saves, so you really only need one closer. (One closer and one setup man is ideal.)
My two biggest flaws are Ks and Wins. I believe that’s more for a lack of projected innings than anything else. If Montgomery, Buehler, Brock or Velasquez see more than their projected 400 IP combined, then I could be okay. Also, everyone’s got holes on their team in a league this deep. One team has an outfield of Kemp, Pence, Markakis, Brett Phillips and Ian Happ. I like Happ, but the rest of those guys haven’t been good in sixteen years or have no job. Another team’s starting lineup includes Jankowski, Enrique Hernandez, Nimmo, Garrett Cooper and David Freese. Some of those guys you’re not even sure exist. Don’t lie, you’re thinking Garrett Cooper is the chorus for Puttin’ on the Ritz. Returning Champ Lance (RCL! Speaking of which, join one here.) has these guys in his lineup: Wilmer Difo, Raimel Tapia, Jordan Luplow, Andrew Toles, Wilmer Flores, Corbin Burnes and Carson Kelly. I mean, okay, but whaaaaat?
WHEN YOU’RE DONE DOING BACKFLIPS TRYING TO MAKE THAT PITCHING STAFF NOT SOUND TERRIBLE, SPEAK ON YOUR HITTING.
My hitting is so butter that I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter makes out with it for five minutes, lifts its butter lips and is like, “I’m pretty sure that is butter.” That’s how seriously butter this butter is! Ian Desmond, Trevor Story and LeMahieu for a Beast of Coors Nation trifecta of splendiferousness. I know, I know, they weren’t great last year, but, guys and five girl readers, we’re not playing for next year, are we? Not a trick question, we’re not. The further into draft season we get I’m growing fond of Desmond too (too). He had a bad year last year, but if we can say that was due to an injury, can’t we say he has to be healed by now? Would it shock you if Desmond regained 25-homer, 12-steal, .270 fanastiness?
I DO LIKE THAT RHYS HOSKINS BUY A LOT, AS WELL.
You don’t even know, Mr. Bolden Al Capps! Top players did not go for cheap. Shoot (not you, Dick Cheney), Billy Hamilton went for $36! (In our values, he’s listed for $18.) Trea Turner went for $49 (we have him at $41). Posey went for $25 (we have him for $17). We have Hoskins for $29, and I got him for $27. That’s a steal in this draft. Speaking of steals (though not as in SBs), Yasmany for $3 was mentioned in the draft chatroom as being the steal of the draft. I don’t know, he is out of a starting job with Souza and Jarrod Dyson (he was updated in my top 100 outfielders), but Yasmany was $18 prior to the Dyson and Souza signing, so $3 is definitely worth the gamble. Even with that dank humidor.
ARE YOU WAITING ME TO PROMPT YOU?
I am.
FINE. REJOICE ABOUT RONALD ACUNA!
As I’ve been saying, I think Acuna gets the Kris Bryant-his-rookie-year treatment. Up by the middle-to-end of April, and by mid-May everyone wishes they had him. Mid-May seems like a long time from now, but to give you some basic math: April is one month, May thru October is five months. May thru October is a bigger number. In the very conservative Steamer projections, Acuna is listed for 16 homers, 25 steals, hitting .280 in only 121 games. Acuna’s gonna be a top 40 player for five months! Acuna or Pollock? Acuna, but Pollock went for more. Acuna or Pham? Acuna, but Pham went for more. Acuna or Starling Marte? Okay, prolly Marte, but they’re close, and Acuna went for ten less dollars. Acuna or anyone else you can get for under $20?
ACUNA!
Acuna!
