The Twins organization removed one white glove, and smacked it across Miguel Sano‘s chubby cheek. So disrespectful. Not even Triple-A. They demoted him to Single-A. Not completely surprising. Let’s recap Miguel Sano’s last few months. He showed up at camp in shape. Unfortunately, that shape was of a beach ball. Coaches weren’t sure what to make of him, asking, “Are you ready to play?” Sano put it into reverse to face the coach who questioned him, and his reverse lights came on but not his newly installed reversing truck beep, which sent him into a backspin, literally, for most of the spring. Then, he came out of camp, looking ready to eat baseballs for dinner rather than his usual Triple-triple-double-triple-double-triple-single-triple meaty-meatburger, but that was short-lived, and he hit the DL towards the end of April with a hamstring injury. At that point, Sano said, “If I had known I had a hamstring in my leg all this time, I would’ve eaten it.” He then motioned for a tuxedoed waiter to pepper mill his leg, and asked for parmesan. He told the waiter, “I call this hamstring carbonara.” After about three weeks out of commission, he returned, but didn’t look fully recovered, because he’s in terrible shape, then he hit .162 in June and got demoted. Hey, Sano, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t take the clubhouse refrigerator with you either. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Fulmer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.13. His xFIP is 4.11. That means what you see is what you get like a phone sex line, from what I hear (literally).
Adam Ottavino – Activated from the DL. Next time you’re at BevMo, it’s fun to tell the clerk they look like Adam Ottavino. “You look like you’re Ottavino.” “That can’t be, half of our store is stocked with vino.” “So, you’re not denying you’re Ottavino?” “What are you talking about?” “Oh my God, can I get my picture with you? You’re Ottavino!” “NO, WE’RE NOT!” Then it escalates from there.
Ryan McMahon – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .202. Comatose ‘Ryan McMahon is my favorite sleeper’ Man wakes from a three-month snooze, “So glad to see Ryan McMahon stuck at 1st base! I knew the Rockies would do the right thing by him! Give me a high five! C’mon, your smartest-when-it-comes-to-baseball friend just woke from a coma! High five me! Guys? Where’s everyone going?”
Vince Velasquez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.74. There’s no greater encapsulation of Velasquez than his last two starts. One start he surrenders 10 ER, and the next start he has a no-hitter through the sixth. One start he’s Harvey Dent, then next start he’s giving up 8 ER in three innings. *flips coin* “All right, Batman, let’s see if you like this hanging slider. Muahahahahaha!” *ball sails over the fence* “I need a new coin. And ball.”
Rhys Hoskins – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .244. He’s more overdue than a woman who is 12 months pregnant. “We believe it’s in everyone’s best interest if we induce labor.” “I’m really hoping for a natural child birth.” “I understand, ma’am, but your child just said its first words in your womb, and they were, ‘Let me out.'”
Nick Williams – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .230. I’ve mentioned this before, but have the Phils ever had Williams and Altherr on the field at the same time? Guess technically there’s no room for both of them in the lineup at the same time, if they were indeed different people.
Trevor Cahill – Hit the DL with a strained Achilles. Oddly enough, the same injury sidelined Achilles.
Frankie Montas – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.33. I love what you’ve done with this cave in Afghanistan, do you mind if I leave my Sprite on your Bin Laden coaster while I go to the bathroom? *five hours later* Whoa, I must’ve fell asleep. Hey, how come that guy is weighing my kidney? AHHH!!!! ROOFIE!!!
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer. Anyone see if Davis goes to the plate on his tippy toes? Because he is the quietest guy to 40 homers every year.
Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Between Rhysus and Allahson, I’m losing my faith. One of these celestial beings needs to get fire hot. You’re messing up my teams, and Wim Wenders’.
Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.51. If I’m being honest, I thought this start in Atlanta was going to be much worse, i.e., I don’t trust Ross in away games, I before E except in Eckstein, he’s a Hodgepadre.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.93, WHIP at 0.96, year he must think it is 2013. Anibal must feel so empowered with gender neutral bathrooms. Howevs, you must be crazy if you think I’d pick him up.
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I said something the other day like, “Ender’s now going to have a .340 month after struggling for the last one.” And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Domingo German – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.23. The Stream-o-Nator loved Sunday Bratwurst yesterday, and has similar aspirations for him in his next start. By the way, “Sunday with Bratwurst,” was the German adaptation of Tuesdays with Morrie.
Gleyber Torres – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .295, and his 3rd homer this week. So bummed I don’t own Gleyber anywhere, I’m walking around with a cardboard sign that reads, “Will Gleyber for Food.”
Michael Conforto – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. For the last week it seemed like he should put on 175 pounds of donut weight, so he can get sent down like Sano. Then last night happened, and maybe there’s light at the end of the endless Flushing. His homer went 445 feet, and it’s more than a homer, it’s showing he might be healthy. Maybe it’s nothing, but if he was dropped, I could see going right back in on him. Of course, he homered two weeks ago and it led to nothing, so expectations low.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .258. Au shizz! (It’s nice to have him back, even if I don’t own him.)
David Peralta – 2-for-3, and his 13th and 14th homer, and three homers in two games. Imagine he actually reaches ESPN’s 30+ homer projection now? He won’t, but imagine. I’ve also been listening to John Lennon, apparently. By the by, I realize now that ESPN’s “projections” are simply “on pace for,” which is completely not what projections are.
Jake Lamb – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 3rd homer this week. Lamb’s a baaaaaaaaaahd man.
David Price – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.76 vs. Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.44. This matchup was billed as, “Cooperstown seemed so obvious three years ago, now they might be lucky to get a Coppertone tan.”
J.T. Riddle – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .211. I looked at the Marlins lineup and saw so many guys hitting Dirt Nasty terrible averages, so I figured the Marlins must be awful as a team, and looked at their team stats page. They’re not good (.234), but the Diamondbacks as a team are hitting .225! Dubya tee eff, D-Bags.
Evan Longoria – Out with a broken finger. Alen Hanson (3-for-5, 1 run, hitting .338) could see more playing time (and Pablo Sandoval might see some time at 3B too). Hanson has been like Drew Stubbs of past years, meaning Hanson doesn’t play often but, when he does, he puts up solid fantasy-specific stats, and, if he played more, it likely wouldn’t be great for his stats. We should have a glossary term for this type of player. Someone who plays well but only in limited duty. Please suggest in the comments.
Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .267. Put it out of your head that you could’ve drafted comparable production about 250 spots later, and focus on the good times you had eating Flaming Hot Cheetos during your draft.
Dereck Rodriguez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.34. He’s now handled teams in games where he should’ve, and had his ass handed to him in games where that appeared likely. Dereck Rodriguez: The Probable Outcome.
Mac Williamson – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .250. You know what’s funny (not funny) about talk of launch angles? When someone hits a home run, they talk about launch angles. When someone doesn’t do jackcrap for two weeks, they don’t talk about launch angles. Launch angles are like launch codes, as in I never want to hear another thing about them.
Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Now he gets the Indians again in his next matchup. I get it, teams should face division rivals yadda3, but does it need to happen, literally, a week later? Bring back that couple who used to make the MLB schedule in Maine and paste the schedule together with maple syrup.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Talk about a guy who looks like he should be a 40-homer hitter and instead flirts with 27 homers. Yo, get permission first from 27 before flirting!
Melky Cabrera – Designated for assignment. There’s supposedly a ton of deals available for him to sign with another team, at least that’s what I read at a website hosted by Celky Mabrera.
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. June 14th and he’s already reached Steamer’s preseason homer projection. Hootie-hoo, on that.
Mike Clevinger – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.15. You’ll be happy to know I’ve been reunited with Clevinger. Someone in my RCL league dropped him, and I grabbed him. Okay, maybe not happy. Too strong of an emotion for you. How about a word that sounds negative but isn’t? I’m sanguine the pulchritudinous crepuscular Kristen Stewart would approve of Clevinger. Perfect! Thanks, Thesaurus! Totally makes sense!
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (15) and legs (9). *thinks about how yesterday I said I was going to make Lindor hit for more power and how he did exactly that, looks at fingers, hesitatingly types, unsure of my power* What if I type I want a million bucks? *looks around, nothing appears* Hmm, I guess my typing isn’t that powerful. *hears something in backyard, goes to window, sees Ray Allen wearing a Bucks uniform* Ray Allen, “Where do you want these 999,999 deer?” AHHH!!!