Early yesterday morning, on Mother’s Day, Bill Hall hopped out of bed to the wail of sirens. There was a puppy tied to train tracks two miles from Bill’s house and the train was due for a gruesome splat in four seconds. If Bill flew at 500 MPH, he would get to the train tracks in a quarter of a millisecond, but Bill didn’t fly. Bill Hall moonwalked backwards, causing the earth to move in reverse five minutes and lifted the puppy off the tracks before the sirens even began. Next up, Hall was due at the ballpark in a face mask that resembled Michael Pineda. Yesterday, Bill Hall threw 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks and 16 Ks. For Hall/Pineda this year, it’s been a bunch of Mother’s Days. His K/9 is 10.5, his BB/9 is 0.60 and his xFIP is 2.20. For those just joining us, those numbers are insane. If the difference between a K-rate and a walk rate is 7, we’re looking at an ace. Hall/Pineda’s difference is nearly ten! It’s better than Kershaw’s (11.4 K/9, 2.2 BB/9)! So Hall/Pineda’s walk rate is absurd and we shouldn’t expect it to continue, right? His walk rate last year was 0.83 and he had a 1.89 ERA, which was in 76 1/3 IP. At what point do we consider Hall/Pineda an ace? I say this point. (I’m pointing my finger as well, to drive home the pointing point.) I’ve even considered that maybe that was Michael Pineda in a Bill Hall mask for all of those other Mother’s Days. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-2 and his 1st home run. The last great Zombino is trying to rise again, but he said it’s a bit of a distraction playing this year. All he can think about is how can it be that A-Rod is such a bloodsucker and his breath reeks of garlic?
Brian McCann – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th home run. The Yankee team always seems to play well in day games. Likely due to being more relaxed and not having to rush home for Early Bird Specials.
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer in his fourth game of the year. If I needed power from my MI slot, I’d grab Hardy. Especially after his performance in Warrior. Move over Russell Crowe, we have a new moody bad boy! We as in all of us, not just me, Ted and Cougs. Though, Tom Hardy is a piece of dream cheese cake!
Kevin Gausman – Was working in middle relief and is now out with shoulder tendinitis. The O’s said when he returns, it will be as a starter. The O’s think it might be better to have their prized pitching prospect going on regular rest. You don’t say?! Really?! Wow, what a crazy conclusion! Is it me or do clubs make decisions about starters that seem like they’re smoking crack?
Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.52. That’s choice, Chen! Wok and roll!
Jimmy Paredes – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 5th homer on Saturday, hitting .355. I have no idea how he’s hitting for so much power, but I sure wish he were doing it on all of my teams.
Danny Salazar – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 11 Ks. When considering K-rate, walk rate and xFIP, Salazar has been the best pitcher in the major leagues. Yes, better than Kershaw. Yeah, F-Her isn’t close. Scherzer? No Scherzer. Danny Salazar has a 13.1 K/9, 1.4 BB/9 and 2.03 xFIP. Double negatives be damned, I don’t not buy Salazar either. I think Salazar is a top 20 starter easily with a chance for top ten on the year. For all we know, Bill Hall was in a Salazar mask too.
Jason Kipnis – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal, hitting .294. Kipnis, our favorite Jewish delicatessen appetizer, finally showing that a nosh can be posh.
David Murphy – 4-for-4 and 1-for-1 on Saturday with a homer. Murphy’s Law states that David doesn’t play every day, but right now he is as hot as a Kipnis in broth.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer and 2nd homer in as many games. Dozier may be French for sleep, but he now seems awake.
Torii Hunter – 0-for-3, 1 run, hitting .287 and has homered four times in the last ten games. Of course, it’s not going to continue, but Torii is making dotting the eyes seem like it means giving pitchers a facial.
Michael Saunders – Back to the DL with left knee inflammation. As they say in Canada, c’est eh vie.
Allen Craig – Optioned to Triple-A and Jackie Bradley Jr. (0-for-4) was recalled. To put that in pithier terms, Craig was given his walking papers for a guy that makes paper walking.
Joe Kelly – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.35. Yeah, okay, but he’s the hardest throwing crap pitcher in the majors.
Clay Buchholz – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Blue Jays. Not fully where I want him to be to get crazy excited for him, but he’s headed in the right direction and I still would buy him as I said on Friday.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .172. Ay, Napoli, that is so not like a gay tarantella.
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .306. I get the feeling Sandoval’s going to get around 16 HRs and a .280 average this year and do pretty much what he does every year, and we never see his .340, 25-homer self again. yes, I’m partly saying this to reverse jinx him since I own him.
David Price – Diagnosed with a mild hamstring strain. The Tigers have no plans to put him on the DL. The Tigers also have $16 saved for retirement. *shakes head disapprovingly* The Tigers and their future planning.
Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.44, which by the Starterpocalypse’s standards, Anibal has, like, a 2.50 ERA.
Shane Greene – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. As they tell me at the Ren-Faire, beware ye no-K starter. Ye old wench agrees. Damn, Cougs sounds so much better than ye old wench. They had it tough back in the day with women’s lib and shizz.
Yasiel Puig – I saw a note that said “Rehabbing Puig set for an MRI” and naturally the first thing I thought was Puig’s rabbi’ing? Damn, reading is fundamental!
Clayton Kershaw – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.26. How’s that not punting top pitching going? ’bout as well as everyone’s pitching, I imagine.
Adrian Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 1 run, 4 RBIs, hitting .377. Yeah, yeah, but it was in Coors and I still think he’s going to get ice cold any day now, Annie Potts.
Kris Bryant – 0-for-5, 3 Ks and his 1st career homer on Saturday, hitting .259. I predict with each .010 dropped on average, he’ll gain one homer until he gets to about .235 and holds there.
Aramis Ramirez – Could need a DL stint for his back injury. He’s hoping to avoid the DL and put this back injury behind him. Pun point!
Martin Maldonado – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Fun fact! The TV special, The History of Latin People in America, was hosted by Martin Mulldonaldo.
Matt Garza – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.04. I will say this for Garza, he never seems to be unlucky or lucky, always just around his career ERA of 3.83.
Julio Teheran – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.74. This is the worst Teheran has looked since the US went in to rehabilitate it.
Alex Wood – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (1 BB), 7 Ks. Solid step in the right direction in what was not a good matchup for him. Like a champion logger, I would roll Wood out for his next start.
Jace Peterson – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .282 and has been a hot schmotato for almost a full week. I’ve actively tried to get Peterson on all of my teams. I dropped Andrelton (0-for-5) yesterday for Al. Ramirez, but can’t figure out how to get Peterson on board, too.
Jason Grilli – Day-to-day with back spasms. Aw, so sad, too bad. Cody Martin tried to close the game yesterday, but gave up two runs in his second appearance in a row. So Cody Martin does not graduate to closer. I’d grab Jim Johnson like you’re Jerry Jones after a Super Bowl win. Does that make sense? I don’t know, I don’t know football.
Devin Mesoraco – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .118. That’s the bad news if you held onto him all year. The good news is Mesoraco scares off the malocchio.
Aroldis Chapman – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA up to 0.68 with his first run coughed up all year. In this game, David Robertson went 1 IP, 1 ER and his first run allowed too, ERA at 0.69. Owners of Cishek are putting a bid on eBay for the world’s smallest violin for Aroldis and Robertson’s owners.
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks. Prettttay prettttay good in his first start. JB’s doing his pitching profile about Rodon for later today, so I’ll just say that I would own Rodon in every league for upside potential.
Alexei Ramirez – 1-for-4, 1 RBI on Sunday and two homers on Saturday. Never really been a huge fan of his, but he’s not as bad as he was in April. Perhaps this Cuban was just waiting for May Day to start doing labor.
David Phelps – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.90. His K/9 is 5.5 and his BB/9 is 3.2. In other words, I still prefer Buhner to Phelps.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 2nd and 3rd steals, hitting .179. But hitting .over-.400 in games his mom attends.
Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Ryan Vogelsong 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. Neither pitcher is great outside of matchups, and yesterday the Stream-o-Nator was humming a Vogelsong.
Steve Cishek – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA up to 8.18. Beachfront avenue! Oh, wait, that’s A1A. Goodbye, Joe Smith vulture hold and hello, A.J. Ramos and Mike Dunn. The Marlins give off the impression that they don’t care about winning. Maybe it’s the vomiting unicorn statue, I don’t know. I do know Cishek should not be closing games. I would grab Ramos, and even Dunn if I had room because a committee is likely the most clarity we get on this situation if Cishek loses the job.
Ricky Romero – In the process of signing a minor league deal with the Giants. Who is that? Vicki Vale?! Nope! Ricky Romero!
Drew Smyly – Needs season-ending surgery on a torn labrum. That makes Smyly the saddest emoticon since the one texted from Lohan’s cell after she was turned down from playing herself for the Lifetime movie about her.
Jake Odorizzi – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.09. Should’ve known: Kluber 2.0 is a tremendous Odor. I’d continue to ride Odorizzi, but he’s really not pitching as well as his ERA says.
Carlos Peguero – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer on Saturday, and I’ve already grabbed him for Monday’s batty call. Though, I don’t know if it’s a batty call the day before, it might just be a date. Now I’m blushing!
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .236. Now two of three years that he’s started a season massively slow, and he always seems to turn it on.
J.A. Happ – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.29. You know that 5th starter on your team that was supposed to be the ‘safe’ one that has turned your fantasy team into his personal latrine? I’d lose him for Happ. What’s the Happs? Great walk rate, solid enough strikeout rate. In a world where no starter is safe, Happ looks just that.
Jesse Chavez – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.56. This wasn’t a great matchup, according to the Stream-o-Nator, and I still like Chavez if you can get him on your team. He’s an unheralded hurler, which sounds like something Don King would say to introduce him. The Bing search of research, the pitcher you don’t want to miss-a, the unheralded hurler, the lost sister of Gabor that doesn’t labor, Jesse “The Freedom” Chavez!
Jarrod Parker – Fracture in his elbow and might need his third Tommy John surgery. Jarrod Parker can’t win.
Marcus Semien – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and two homers (4, 5). At the top of that A’s lineup, Burns and Semien are really getting the clap going.
Stephen Vogt – 3-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .340. Just think, you could’ve drafted Vogt instead of Posey in the 4th round and it would’ve made more sense.
Chase Anderson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, ERA down to 2.97. You mean every upside starter doesn’t have to be bad? Hayzeus Cristo, it’s about time. Unfortch, his peripherals don’t scream a sub-3 ERA, but he should be relatively safe, as long as his walks are in check. Plus, Prague is a safe city.
Aaron Hill – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .268. Losing his job in the spring was the best thing to happen to him and winning a job was the worst thing for lounge singer, Nick Ahmed (0-for-2, hitting .133).
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .309. Pollock really put the polish on that homer!
Andrew Cashner – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Cashner’s one guy that actually looks better the more you look at his peripherals. He might be the only starter in the majors I can say that about. Paula Cole, where have all the starters gone?
Jon Niese – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.95. Jon Niese starring in ProbosNCIS in his most meta case yet. Niese investigates how does he have a sub-2 ERA? Ton of men left on base, but he is also getting a lot of ground balls, so Naval Criminal Investigative Service Special Agent Niese will sniff out a correction, but maybe not as bad as one might think on the next ProbosNCIS.
Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.30 and notched his major-league leading 6th win. Fartolo can be the first pitcher this year to pitch in the All-Star Game and the Home Run Derby.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .238. If Curtis Jackson is 50 Cent, is Curtis Granderson 50 Grand?
Garrett Richards – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.27. Marla Gibbs is giving out candy and Richards is getting some! Richards’s walk rate of 4.6 is a mess, so hopefully he hits the skids, says the guy who doesn’t own him.
Jung-ho Kang – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .333 and yesterday it was out of the two hole. I don’t buy the average at all; I think he’ll get exposed at some point (his BABIP is .389, which is high for him). I do think he can get around 15 homers and be worth an MI slot in all leagues if he plays enough. Right now, the Pirates seem like they’re all Jung-ho, so I’d grab him.
Jeff Locke – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. I preferred when Hardy was playing Locke. What? I have a man crush on Tom Hardy, leave me alone!
Jaime Garcia – Cards GM, Mozeliak, said that when Garcia is healthy, he’d be the starter in the rotation over Marco Gonzales. Yeah, and if I had a billion dollars, I’d buy the internet from Al Gore and rename it Greynet.
Carlos Martinez – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER. I don’t remember signing up my fantasy team for a colonic, yet there’s runs spewing from my team. This game wasn’t even over and I dropped C-Mart in my 12-team league.
Matt Carpenter – Expected back on Tuesday from ‘extreme fatigue.’ It sure is taking the club a long time to buy him a Red Bull.
Kolten Wong – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .336 and making himself comfortable in the two-hole while Carpenter’s out. In this game, Wong and Kang hit dongs from the two hole and that sentence would get you flogged in Iraq.
