Michael Conforto left yesterday’s game on a swing and miss that dislocated his shoulder and a posterior capsule tear. Dude fell like he was punched in the face by the Ghost of Muhammad Ali. Anyone know if the Ghost of Muhammad Ali was at the game? Float like a butterfly in a sheet… Ever hear about the three drunk ghosts? They were three sheets to the wind. Take it, Highlights! It’s yours! This doesn’t sound good for Conforto. Reports are saying he’s likely done for the year. Taking over for Conforto will likely be Brandon Nimmo. Laura Holt just gave you her Brandon Nimmo fantasy, as if she had some sort of premonition about Conforto. Oh my god, she’s a witch! Hand her a refrigerator and she if she floats! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jeurys Familia – Will return from the DL on Friday. Hide your women and children! Literally, not being metaphorical. Can that be metaphorical?
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-3 and his 17th homer. The Human Cespedes crushed that homer 440 feet, or a little over four of him.
Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.06, as he was activated from the concussion DL. It’s so nice to have him back I will now do the Dance of Joy with Cousin Larry.
Christian Yelich – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. When I said in the preseason Yelich wouldn’t hit many home runs this year, I didn’t have in mind that there would be this many homers in the majors, so, technically, I’m not wrong on Yelich. Talked myself into that one!
J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, and his 2nd homer in four games. Is there a lot of home runs in the majors, Our Commissioner Manfred? Realmuto has 16 homers, you tell me.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 47th homer. The Marlins are hitting so many home runs recently Giancarlo must be rubbing off on them. *gulps* When we say he’s rubbing off on them, what is he wearing? Is there massage oil involved? Thongs?
Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Rhyeezy, Rhyeezy, Rhyeezy is so accomplished, you can talk a lot of shizz, but just look at the numbers. Facts (Charlie Heat version)!
Tommy Joseph – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, and 3rd homer in four games. I know, Rhysus is our bae, but ToJo looks like he’s got his hot schmotato on.
Nick Williams – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .293. Hasn’t been exactly flashy with power and speed, and won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but Williams has been hitting third and filling the counting stats categories.
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 24th homer, hitting .286. This was his 2nd homer in the past three games. Maybe we’re seeing the reemergence of 1st half Dickerson in the 2nd half. Though, I get the shudders, when I think about Co-Dick’s ugly splits. (Keep in mind, Co-Dick is also what Siamese Twins call their equipment.)
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. Crazy thing about catchers (not that crazy), you can have two great months and finish near the top of the rankings for catchers, because there’s so few of them that do anything. With that said, G. Love and the Special Sanchez looks a lot like a 2nd half hitter.
Brett Gardner – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .257. Yesterday, he hit four singles for the Juan Pierre cycle!
Michael Fulmer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Not many Ks for Fulmer vs. the Yankees, considering Judge is always good for at least one. Hater!
Justin Upton – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 27th homer. I get the sense that people don’t realize how good Upton has been this year, and it feels like he is going to be underrated next year, which, of course, means he’ll have one of those years where he’s unownable for three months.
Jose Iglesias – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 7th steal, and hit his 7th homer the night before. Hot schmotato alert!
Miguel Cabrera – Ejected for starting a fight with Austin Romine. Member when Miggy was the most dangerous hitter in baseball? Now he can’t even connect off Austin Romine’s head.
James McCann – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .259. It would’ve worked out if you accidentally drafted James McCann instead of Brian and Melky instead of Miggy.
Jake Arrieta – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.49. With a modest September, he’s going to finish the year with 16 wins, 3.60 ERA, 1.22 WHIP and 175 Ks in 192 IP. Like my Jewish grandmother would’ve said, it could be worse.
Ian Happ – 1-for-2 and his 19th homer. All jokes aside — has there been jokes? Shut up, Random Italicized Voice! — does Happ homer every time he plays? Prorating his stats to 540 ABs, a very conservative AB count, he would have 40 HRs and 15 SBs. Haha, WUT.
Carlos Martinez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.48. On the surface, he’s close with Arrieta. But coal mining’s back in vogue, so we’re drilling down! Martinez beats Arrieta easily in every conceivable way under the surface, and we’ve struck oil! Can I rub it on Giancarlo?
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3 and his 22nd home run. Oh, you best believe he will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you don’t have to wait for that. Or do you?! No, you don’t.
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Was thinking of this yesterday during the Hurricane Harvey hoopla. Do they reuse hurricane names? Also, you know how names come in and out of favor? Two hundred years ago, Rufus was a popular name. Hurricane Rufus may have existed then, would have a harder time getting its moment in the sun (rain) now. With that said, how many Y names before Hurricane Yasmani? Well, I’m glad I asked! (Yes, there’s more; hey, it was a short schedule day.) So, it seems like York and Yolanda are the only Y names the Hurricane Center is currently using. Every 25th hurricane is Yolanda or York. Not sure why this is, or why this fascinated me. I feel like Andy Rooney right now. Or Bania. You have 15 minutes of hurricanes! Why’s it a hurricane? Why not, “Hurry, rain!”
Chris Taylor – 3-for-5, 1 RBI, and his 15th steal, hitting .313. You know who Taylor is? Whit Merrifield. And Merrifield is Taylor. They’re the Denard Span/Ben Revere of white people.
Zach Britton – An MRI showed no damage in his knee. It did show a fidget spinner. Weird. Obviously, I’d own Brad Brach, just in case.
Chris Sale – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.88. There must’ve been a sale on Sale yesterday for the Indians. I believe they call that scalping.
Mitch Moreland – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer. That’s his 2nd and 3rd homer in two games. Mr. Moreland risin’, gonna keep on risin’.
Mookie Betts – Left yesterday’s game with a bruised knee after crashing into the right field wall. That’s why Austin Jacks0n just goes over the wall. Upside down.
Trevor Bauer – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.59. If you’re like me, you started Bauer against the Red Sox because he had been pitching so well, but you weren’t thrilled about it. So whew indeed. His next start on the Stream-o-Nator is a “no thank you,” and I’m ready to move on in shallower leagues.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 33rd homer, hitting .345 on the Indians, and .267 overall. They call him Bruce! Or as he screams, “Jay or call me Bruce!”
Yandy Diaz – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .230. If someone were to come along and tell me the Indians’ catcher, Yan Gomes, changed his name to Yandy Diaz, I’d be like, “Oh. Cool,” and totally believe it.
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, and 3rd homer in the last five games. This guy has a power-hitter complex, right? I mean, I don’t mind the homers, but steal a base once in a while!
Jose Berrios – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.04. He can still throw about thirty more innings, but I’d love to see the Twins shut him down even earlier. Of course, I don’t own him. Be more conservative with someone else’s pitcher, that’s motto. Well, after the motto, “Don’t eat sushi from a gas station.”
Byron Buxton – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. He was oh-for-eight in his last two games, and he feels like he’s always a three-game schneid from falling into a .100-for-a-month slump and turning to Jobu to hit the curve.
Yolmer Sanchez – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. Oh, Yolmer, you better get behind Yasmani in the line to get a hurricane named after you.
Yoan Moncada – Left yesterday’s game with shin splints. I had shin splints once, he just needs a Thai massage while drinking Thai iced tea with boba. I don’t know if the boba is necessary, but why mess with success?
Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 and a slam (27) and legs (1), hitting .203. A slam and legs from a Napoli batty call is almost as sweet as a five-minute sesh Googling Mike Napoli’s mom.
Max Scherzer – Said he could return Sunday vs. the Mets. When asked how he made his decision, he said, “I don’t think we face the Padres again, so next best.”
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.10 vs. Daylass Koochel – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.58. My promise to you is I won’t say anything bad about any starter who has an ERA under 3.25, and I am a promise keeper. Only my God is Giancarlo, and I may occasionally scream out Jesus Christ Ramirez.
Jose Altuve – Day-to-day with a sore neck. He hurt it stretching his neck to get on a roller coaster.
Kelvin Herrera – Didn’t pitch yesterday, but said he was ready to go if needed. Saying one is ready and actually being ready are two different things, says this fortune cookie I’m reading.
Whit Merrifield – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .288. Might want to sit down for this, on our Player Rater, Merrifield is ranked in the top 50 for all hitters and pitchers. Not bad, Chris Taylor!
Jake Junis – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.68. Doesn’t he sound like a comic your cousin has heard of that you haven’t? “You haven’t heard of Jake Junis? Oh, man, he’s the best! He’s got like fifteen minutes on hurricane names!” No? Okay, maybe it’s me. Junis has been alternating good starts with bad starts, but I wouldn’t even listen to Stream-o-Nator if it liked him. “Ugh, you were the one friend I had left!” Sorry, Stream-o-Nator.
Greg Holland – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save, after some, uh, rocky outings. Bud Black said Holland will remain as closer. So, I’d stash Pat Neshek and Jake McGee, in that order. I don’t consider myself a super smart person. I use super as an adjective, after all. But it’s so obvious when a manager says one guy has his confidence, they’re about to make a change that even I can see coming. How is it that managers don’t realize how ridiculous they sound? Are they dumber than us? Ooh, game show idea! “Are They Dumber Than Us?” is a show about how stupid managers are and if they are indeed…Audience joins in, “Are they dumber than us?!”
