I don’t understand this. The Padres’ Triple-A affiliate made a run for the Triple-A championship against the Yankees’ affiliate, so the Padres were holding down their top prospects to play in the championship. On the surface, it seems straightforward enough. Making run for championship, want best players there. Okay, I get that part. The part where I get lost, WHY DO YOU CARE IF YOU WIN A TRIPLE-A CHAMPIONSHIP?! Sorry, my keyboard got sticky the other day when Giancarlo returned. Don’t ask. The Padres are in the business of winning AAA championships? I don’t remember the Yankees keeping Gary Sanchez, Aaron Judge and Tyler Austin in Triple-A to help their Triple-A team. I’d love to go into the Padres’ front office, throw some furniture against a wall and start screaming, “Let’s win some major league games for a change!” They need a organization-wide readjustment, and Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it), is just the man to do it! So, with this said, the Padres called up Hunter Renfroe and Manuel Margot (and some other guys). Margot and Renfroe, who sounds like a name that exists to only be said by Scooby Doo, are top 100 prospects. Margot is straight SAGNOF this late in the year, maybe could provide a few steals in the last ten days, and Renfroe is the exact opposite, with a chance to provide a few dingers. They’re not going to make much impact in ten days. Too bad they had a Triple-A playoff run to attend to first. Which they lost! Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball:
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer. Au Shizz! Well, lookie, lookie who decided to come to the 2016 homer party.
Gary Sanchez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homers, hitting .337. Those were his fourth and fifth homers in the last four games. Shoot (not you, Dick Cheney), he has 19 homers in only 43 games. The Yankees only have 11 games left, so serious question, has anyone ever won Rookie of the Year in less games than 54 games? I’m not sure all of youse realize what is going on here. Sanchez is a top 12 catcher in only seven weeks. If I would’ve ranked Sanchez in the top 12 and said he won’t be up until August, you would’ve had me committed. And this is after not committing me for numerous other offenses. Have you seen how many times Grey Albright refers to himself in third person?!
Brian McCann – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. I would appreciate you taking your role of Barbra Hershey and getting out of Sanchez’s spotlight! Be the wind, McCann!
Alex Cobb – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER. So, what you’re saying is you’re not all the way back from surgery? Cool, message received.
Brad Miller – 2-for-4 and two homers (29, 30). There’s so much power this year, Brad Miller has 30 homers and you didn’t even blink twice! I mean, when you first saw it. I see you blinking now. I get it. Okay, you can stop now. Seriously, enough with the blinking.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer, hitting .243. Yanks and Rays exploded for eight homers yesterday, making Tropicana Field look like The Juice’d Box.
Colby Rasmus – Still dealing with vertigo. Also, he keeps seeing Kim Novak everywhere he goes and he inadvertently talks like Jimmy Stewart.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 29th and 30th homers, hitting .249. Where’s he ranked next year for catchers? 4th? I’m done fighting the Lucroy schmohawk nonsense, Posey obviously, Gary Sanchez, then who? Ramos? Realmuto? Gattis? Feels pretty obvious in my mind. Damn, can it be next January already? This is a sickness.
Collin McHugh – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.61, and the win. McHugh put up what I would consider the least acceptable streamer result. Lowering the bar, one McHugh at a time.
Daniel Murphy – Still sidelined. His leg is not responding to treatment, because he feels uncomfortable having a grown man massage him. You know what I bet is going on with Murphy? He’s trying to back into winning the batting title. What a douche.
Trea Turner – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer, hitting .342. Turner, you give me fever.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer. One more and his homers can drink before him.
Yadiel Hernandez – Nats signed the latest Cuban export. The Cubans really love these Y names, huh? Yuniesky, Yulieski, Yunesky, Yoan, Yasmany, Yoenis… Y? I don’t know. Back in 2014 (his last year playing in Cuba), Yadiel hit .369 with seven homers in 85 games, and now he’s 29 years old. What does that translate to in MLB? Sticking with the Y theme, Yunel.
Aaron Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.12 vs. Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.61. This matchup was billed as NC-17, F-Her and the Dirty Sanchez. No one under 17 admitted unless they have a mustache and a sibling’s ID card.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer, hitting .231. I get the sense that people aren’t going to discount Bautista as much as I am next year. I get a Tulo vibe from him. Like people are still going to put Bautista in their top 50 and I’m not sure he’s a top 100 player for me next year.
Jesus Sucre – 3-for-3, 1 run, hitting .474 thru six games. Could be a hot schmotato. Could also be that I put Jesus Sucre into my Google translator and it says, “Diabetes.”
Scott Kazmir – Set to start on Friday, returning from thoracic spine inflammation, which sounds awful, but at least it’s not a blister, right, Rich Hill?
Matt Moore – 1 IP, 6 ER. Gonna channel my Elizabeth Warren, “Is it or is it not your intention to make the NL West look as hard as the AL East? Yes or no, Mr. Moore! Yes? Or… No?!”
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Just what you expected from him back in March, except you didn’t expect it to only happen after you dropped him in June after three months of terrible hitting.
Johnny Cueto – Unlikely to make his next start due to his groin. He’s also unlikely to get some biznasty with his hootie-hoo due to his groin.
Lorenzo Cain – Royals announced Cain….Sugar!’s unlikely to return this year, which I thought was already a known fact like don’t order fish on a Monday and never get the seafood chowder.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .249. Not a great year for Sal P., but if you set him and forgot him as Ron Popeil suggests, you could’ve done worse.
Danny Salazar – Playing catch at 75 feet. So he’s throwing the ball at roughly 6 soccer teams?
Corey Kluber – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.11. Racist!
Cody Allen – 1 IP, 1 ER, and his 28th save, ERA at 2.71. Mean’s while, Andrew Miller worked a scoreless two-thirds of an inning to lower his ERA to 1.54.
Carlos Santana – 4-for-5, 1 run, hitting .251. So Smooth, so Supernatural, so not Shin-Soo.
Jose Ramirez – 3-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .315. Don’t think I’ve talked much about Ramirez this year. He has 10 HRs, 22 SBs… What happened? I fell asleep! Did I miss the Mr. Robot finale? Oh, Ramirez, yeah, okay, um, yeah, I think I know why I didn’t talk about him much. Not a bad year, especially for a waiver wire grab. Especially, Part 2: This Is Especially Especial, his position eligibility this year was awesome.
Tyler Goeddel – Was hit in the head by a pitch and will go for the full range of concussion tests. Some of the questions found on that test: are Brangelina still a thing? If Angel Pagan and Angelina get together, would it be Angelangelina? Or Pagangelina?
Tommy Joseph – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, and hitting near .500 in the last week, and four homers in the last ten days. About three days ago I owned him for one game (of course, a game where he did nothing), and I should’ve held him. Howard might still see a couple of games as he bids adieu, because Phillie fans need time to shower him with batteries, but I would own Joseph.
Jerad Eickhoff – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Stream-o-Nator loved his start yesterday, and doesn’t hate Eickhoff’s next start, but I’d be tentative about hassling with The ‘hoff.
Chris Sale – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.23, with this horrid start coming against the Phils. This start by Sale obviously had a higher meaning. That meaning was some denigrate gambler in Vegas was betting his last $100 on Sale, and someone needed a lesson taught. “I swear this will be my last bet, if I lose.” Quietly to himself, “I’ll never lose.”
Adam Eaton – 3-for-4 and his 14th homer. It’s as good a time as any for me to point out how boring Eaton is. 14 homers breaks down to about one home run every 12 games. When you’re living that, it’s deadly boring. He has 12 steals, which is worse.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 and his 38th homer, hitting .221. Frazier’s going to be a tough guy to peg next year. I don’t fully buy into him being this bad on average, and, if he’s not, 38 HRs and 12 SBs, rights a lot of wrongs. Yeah, I’m a Frazier truther.
Nomar Mazara – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Yesterday, I said he was a hot schmotato. Today, I’m saying relatively the same thing.
Zack Cozart – Doubtful for reminder of the season. Somewhere Salieri is laughing wildly. Somewhere in the 18th century.
Billy Hamilton – Likely done for the season. Reds’ manager, Bryan Price, “We’re getting to that point where the realism portion of this deal is fading real fast.” If Price were a realist, he would’ve shut down the Reds in April and went fishing until he found a few starters.
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 13th homer, and his 3rd homer in his last eight games. Save some of that for ‘unsung hero time’ in the playoffs. Speaking of sung (kinda, go with it), who’s going to be the first MLB player to take a knee during the anthem? Won’t be Pedroia, because, ya know, he has a sore knee.
John Lackey – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Aw, sook-dogs, Lackey says, “Nuh-uh, Hammel, that last playoff rotation spot is mine.” Until Steve Bartman accidentally runs over Lackey’s toes with his Ford Escort. “Wasn’t me!”
Sean Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer and his sixth homer in the last ten games. Damn, I thought the schmotato run was over and dropped Sean-Rod. All right, guys and five girls, we’re going back in!
Chad Kuhl – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.73. Sky’s title yesterday, “Say B***** Be Kuhl,” won the non-Rudy Razzball title of the year. Sky gets Grey selfies delivered directly to his Hotmail account.
Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .317. Lot of possible outcomes for him next year, but to give you two: he takes the Jackie Bradley Jr. route and looks like a bust next year, only to emerge in 2018 or he breaks out next year. Honestly, I’m not sure which way it’s going to go.
Clay Buchholz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.00. Yeah, there’s no way of knowing what he’s going to do from start to start, and this time of year, you really have to have your back against the wall like Daniel Murphy at a bathhouse to start Buchholz.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.71. I don’t know who peed in his coffee but he’s pitching well in September. And by ‘peed in his coffee’ I mean it as in Barry Bonds just shot up and took a urine test into Ubaldo’s coffee which would have medicinal properties.
German Marquez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.48, in his first start for the Rockies. I.e., you can ignore him for fantasy. Fun fact! Every Nazi who immigrated to Argentina adopted the name German Marquez.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 39th homer. *Buzz Aldrin checking his fantasy team on the moon, planting flag, sees the flag wave* It’s a Torenado.
Tom Murphy – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .310. I’m not convinced we’d have anything to see here if he didn’t play his home games in Coors, but, guess what, he does play his home games in Coors.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Hitting near-.315 in the 2nd half, near-.350 in the last week, .200 in the last day. One of those sample sizes matters.
Bartolo Colon – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Colon is a top thirty starter on the year, according to the Player Rater. Seriously.
Jay Bruce – Sat out yesterday. Not sure how the Mets expect to do anything without their top midseason acquisition. I mean, without Bruce, they’d be doing so much worse. Is this coming through in sarcasm font? I’m not sure I’m doing the HTML correctly.
Steven Matz – On track for Friday’s start. No joke, wasn’t deGrom on track for a start last week? Can the Mets just stop? Please. It’s sad. They’re like the guys outside the bar at 2:05 AM trying to take home a drunk girl. Just go home and sleep it off, Mets.
