Yesterday, there was a pitching performance that truly captured the minds and hearts of the general public. You know, the general public — the people you smile at on the street and wonder how they got their shirt on because they look so dumb. Those people! This pitching performance wasn’t done by just any average pitcher. No, it was done by…an outfielder. Travis Snider struck out Joey Votto! Whaaaaaaat?! Oh, and Clayton Kershaw threw a no-hitter. It should’ve been a perfect game, but Hanley didn’t feel like it. It’s okay, Hanley, don’t beat yourself up over it too much. Let Dodger fans do it for you! Kershaw’s game wasn’t perfect in the strictly record book sense, but it was in the fantasy sense. 15 Ks, no hits, no walks — you now have the best pitching performance of this year, and it might be a top ten fantasy start of all-time. I wonder if you could buy him low. I keed! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matt Kemp – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. The mirror under his nose is finally fogging up!
Michael Brantley – Dealing with concussion symptoms because John McDonald’s allowed to wear Iron Mike Sharpe’s knee pads. The Indians hope Brantley can return on Saturday. Not as much as I hope. I hope so much I had Shepard Fairey stencil a red, white and blue poster of Michael Brantley with the word HOPE underneath him.
Josh Outman – Designated for assignment. When the news was delivered, there was an extended Abbot & Costello routine between Francona and Outman with Francona saying, “You’re out, man,” and Outman saying, “That’s my name!”
Jake Arrieta – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, and made only one mistake yesterday to Giancarlo (16 more to go!), but everyone makes a mistake to that hunky sexbot. I made the mistake of losing my virginity to some girl rather than waiting for Giancarlo. It’s okay, I just tell everyone my first was named Giancarla. Any the hoo! Throughout his career, Arrieta’s thrown around 94 MPH on his fastball, which is usable and almost sexy. His Ks have been downright yawnstipating though, because his secondary pitches have been borderline dreadful. The only thing that was truly nasty in his arsenal was his cutter. Why not throw it more, you ask. Great question, over-the-internet friend. Only you should’ve asked it last year. He’s bumped his usage of the cutter from 6% of the time to almost 20% of the time this year. The percentage of times a batter swings and misses has gone from 6.8% to plus-9%. 6.8% would have him around that of Jarred Cosart and barely in the top 100 starters. Plus-9% has him in the top 25 starters. He’s struggled with control in the past, so far he’s got that under 3 walks per nine. He’s not throwing more first pitch strikes, but the amount of swings and misses a batter is taking at balls inside and outside the strike zone has gone up. It’s still a small sample size — that’s what she said! — but I think he’s figured something out. I.e., how to pitch. If he were available in my league, I’d definitely look at grabbing him.
Nate Schierholtz – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Schierholtz, or as they say in Dusseldorf, German For Pantyhose, has been awful so far this year. Very little power, hitting .212, which is only good for an area code. G.F. Pantyhose could get hot and start hitting bombs, so I’d eye him like a cyclops with a monocle.
Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 5 ER. So, this is the part in South Florida where Captain EO is diagnosed with vitiligo and you have to remove the 3-D glasses. Eov with his head! Chances are it’s just a dip in the road and he hasn’t Eovolved into something else in the last two horrendous starts, but, in reality, which is something none of us are used to, there’s probably a dozen pitchers worth grabbing eover him.
Giancarlo Stanton – After hitting his homer yesterday (still 16 more!), he left the game with a sore wrist. Weird, when I watch him I also get a sore wrist.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Activated from the DL after missing two weeks with a concussion. Salty originally had his clock run when someone took Outkast’s line, “Shake it like a salt shaker,” way too literally.
Adeiny Hechavarria – 2-for-4 and his 4th steal and is hitting near-.450 in the last week. You’d really have to twist my arm for me to recommend picking him up, and I used to do ronde jambes standing on my hands, so I’m hella flexible.
Brad Miller – 2-for-3, 1 RBI. Every time I get out, you pull me back in! And I’ve wanted to get out a lot.
Andrew Cashner – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA is at 2.36. I should’ve held him while he was on the DL. I see that now. Thank you for pointing it out.
Grady Sizemore – The Red Sox released him. This throws a monkey wrench into the statue the Sons of Sam Horn were erecting in Faneuil Hall for him. With only half the statue completed, they’ve decided to tear it down rather than risk have anyone think it was for Grady Little.
John Lackey – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks. Well, I guess I shouldn’t have dropped him after his last start. Know when to hold your streamers, know when to walk away. Know when to run. That’s what ex-Rangers pitcher, Kenny Rogers, always said.
Glen Perkins – Missed yesterday’s game with back soreness, and is day-to-day. In his stead, Casey Fien pitched for the save. See, he pitched for it. He didn’t get it. Appropriate since fien is French for “almost the end.” Casey Fin would’ve rolled the credits. Fien gave up back-to-back homers to Papi and Napoli, which sounds like I’m at a Mario Bros family reunion, but I still picked up Fien in one league where I’m desperate for saves, because he has been Fien most of the time, and I have no idea how long Perkins will be out. Better SAGNOF than sorry.
Chris Parmelee – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer. I nearly wrote his name as Parmless, then I laughed. Deep, hearty chuckles. Owning Chris is Parmless! (And also pointless.)
Kyle Gibson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.25. At least Kirk Gibson has something to fist pump about besides, “I’m almost fired. Yay.” Gibson looked like so much more than a streamer yesterday vs. the Red Sox, but his peripherals don’t say the same — under-5 K/9; 2.7 BB/9; 4.06 xFIP. That’s streamer stuff, and the Stream-o-Nator hates his next start too.
CC Sabathia – Six weeks away from returning. The Yankees said they are looking at it like he’s at the start of Spring Training, which means in a few days we’re going to hear about how CC’s in the best shape of his life. Since his previous shape was ‘melon ball,’ I’d prolly agree.
Chase Whitley – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Yawn. I mean, okay, but yawn. I mean, Yawny McYawnstein called and yawned.
Brett Gardner – 4-for-5 and 2 runs, and he had homered in his last two games. I think I moved in my pants. On the front side.
Brian McCann – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 8th homer. Speaking of movement in the pants, McCann hasn’t beat the shift much this year. His BABIP is .226 and he is hitting a ton of ground balls. Wouldn’t shock me to see him hit 20 homers, but it may come with a .235 average.
Mark Buehrle – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to a whopping 2.32. Damn, yo, that’s barely better than Kershaw. You’re supposed to be my ace, Kid Cudi Buehrle, act like it.
Brett Lawrie – Was hit by a pitch on his hand, but the X-rays showed no breaks. I didn’t see it, but knowing Lawrie, I imagine he saw the pitch coming and then ran full-steam ahead at it.
Jonny Venters – Out for another 4 to 6 weeks. Hoping it will help his elbow heal, the Braves gave Venters a plasma injection into his elbow, which sounds like it would look similar to slime from You Can’t Do That On Television. But…I don’t know. AH!!!
Aaron Harang – 5 IP, 8 ER. Hey, just in time for Alex Wood to come back. Don’t let the door hit you, where the good Lord split you, Harangutan!
Evan Gattis – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, as he extends his hitting streak to 17 games. It’s the longest such streak in Braves history for a catcher and longest in major league history for guy who ate a steady diet of government cheese and lived in a van down by the river.
Justin Upton – Sat out yesterday after waking with dizziness. Maybe he heard about the NWA biopic, because that made me dizzy with excitement. Can I play one of the mustachioed cops in the Straight Outta Compton video within the Straight Outta Compton movie? Please, Cube, please.
Ryan Howard – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, and homered twice in the previous two games. In your best Curly voice, you’re screaming you want mo’ Howard!
Marlon Byrd – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .268. He’s done about all you could’ve expected from him this year, assuming you only expected around a fantasy number four outfielder.
Domonic Brown – 3-for-5, 1 run and his 5th steal. Has a hit in six of his last seven games, hitting .310 in that time with a home run. He’s been awful this year, I wouldn’t have drafted him and yadda squared. But he’s not this bad, and you know what to do with that big fat but. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.
Mitch Moreland – Had season-ending ankle surgery. Still never heard of cankle surgery. Rethink things, God!
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 2.91. That’s my boy!
Alberto Callaspo – 2-for-4, hitting .666 in the last week. Quick, somebody wake up the Mayans!
Edinson Volquez – 2 1/3 IP, 8 ER. Ray Searage, there’s no bungee attached to that harness. Ray? Raaaaaaaaay!!!
Billy Hamilton – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and not even sure how the Reds scored 11 runs and there was no stand-out star in the game, besides maybe Skip Schumaker and Zack Cozart. Ticker tease the whole lot of you! I mean, Travis Snider struck out Joey Votto!
Alfredo Simon – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 2.95. Just think, you could’ve told your leaguemates that Simon was holding a gun to your head at your draft and you had to draft him instead of Verlander in the 4th round, and then next year your leaguemates would’ve tried to get kidnapped in Venezuela prior to their draft.
Denard Span – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and two steals. Since I started talking about him, he’s hitting around .270 with five steals this month. No wonder no one cares. I need a new squeeze.
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-5 and a slam (10) and double legs (4, 5). On the menu that reads as ‘Swoons Over My Slammy.’
Gio Gonzalez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as he returned from the DL and picked up right where he left off. Nat-Gio’s leaving more hanging than the latest issue of Nat-Geo.
Matt Dominguez – 1-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Not a huge game, but just wanted to point out that he’s about one decent game away from being better than David Wright on the year, according to the Player Rater.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th home run. Maybe it’s that much sweeter because I grabbed him after Sky dropped him, but I’m khrushing hard on Davis.
Chris Owings – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .283 on the year and over .300 in the last week. Yeah, I’d Owings him.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Yesterday, I said he was a hot schmotato. Today, I say I agree with YesterGrey.
Drew Smyly – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.48. The Emoticon is owned in 64% of RCL leagues compared to 50% of ESPN leagues, and in shallower leagues, I’d own him less. He’s barely above that of a streamer and the Stream-o-Nator is pretty meh on his next start.
Omar Infante – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd in his last three games and hitting near-.400 in the last week. HBO, as he’s known in his home country, is a hot schmotato. As for his nickname, “It’s not TV, it’s Hispanic Baby Omar,” just doesn’t have the same ring.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-4 and 7 for his last 11, which in this case doesn’t mean cylindrical hamburgers and Slurpees, but a hot hitter.
Wade Davis – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks. On the year, his numbers are 1.15 ERA, 0.83 WHIP and 52 Ks in 31 1/3 IP. *starts talking like Scarlett O’Hara, pats handkerchief on forehead* Oh, Mammy, that is so beautiful!
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the disa-Rays, ERA down to 2.74, and 2 earned runs in the 19 IP since his last call-up. Gausman has done all can to stay in the Orioles rotation. Now it’s up to Buck Showalter and whether or not he wants to use a six-man rotation. I wish an Orioles beat reporter would say directly to him, “So, you would’ve used a six-man rotation with Johan, as you stated, but you may not with Gausman? Please answer quickly before Grey’s head explodes.”
Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.48. Both him and Gausman threw 111 pitches yesterday and both threw 70 strikes. Meanwhile, a butterfly flapped its wings in Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey and now there’s a drought in Somalia, are you people happy?
Adam Wainwright – After throwing a bullpen session, he’s been cleared to start on Saturday. That breeze you feel isn’t the Santa Ana winds; it’s his fantasy owners exhaling.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .286. In my overrated Crapenter post, I put him down for 94/12/69/.304/4, saying I was actually being generous. I wasn’t kidding; he’ll be lucky to get to those projections.
Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K. Fartolo doubled yesterday, his first extra base hit in 17 seasons and his 1st hit since 2005. He was thinking double right out of the box. Double cheeseburger.
Eric Young – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs as he hit leadoff. His two hits were doubles. He took 8 seconds to get from home to 2nd base and Bartolo took 12 seconds. Though Bartolo did stop at a weigh station.
Jenrry Mejia – 2/3 IP, 1 ER. Put two men on and then got the quick hook like the Mets were going for the pennant. I’ve seen more patience for Dr. Kevorkian. Mejia is still the closer, but his leash is obviously short. Dana Eveland got the save yesterday. Save speculators can stop salivating, he’s a LOOGY.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Could someone with a DeLorean go back to March and tell me to draft Abreu instead of Hosmer? I will patiently wait for this blurb to magically disappear.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. The Donkfather was this week’s Creeper of the Week. There, J-FoH lists the donkeys: Mini Donkey, Mini-Mini Donkey, El Burro and Urban Donkey. He did forgot one: B.J. Upton who is Sucka Donkey.
Ronald Belisario – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER and the save. I only mention closers when there’s a change to their value. Belisario is still the closer; nothing’s changed. I just wanted to say, he is so miserable. In his last ten games, he has 7 saves and has given up runs in six different games. He’s doing a balancing act of the improbably awful. It’s like he has a GoPro camera attached to his helmet and every game he dives into the toilet from Slumdog Millionaire.
Angel Pagan – Missed the last two days with back inflammation. You’d think a Pagan would be used to living inflamed.
Tim Hudson – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies have a mutual friend of Perez Hilton’s, they own Ready to Wear (Prêt-à-Porter) on DVD and they will take your starter’s ratios and crush them.
Gregor Blanco – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he fills in for Pagan. A man, who was known simply as Blanco, because of his albino skin tone, has a basement filled with Pagans and bottles of Red Rooster hot sauce, according to author Dan Brown.
Buster Posey – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs, hitting .276 on the year. Snooze. He’s gonna be lucky to get into the 2nd round of Rotoworld’s 2015 rankings.