Lance Lynn had to shave his beard to play for the Yankees, because the Yankees are fascists. I wish Giancarlo would grow a mustache as giant FU. What, are they going to bench him until he shaves? Actually, Giancarlo should carve an F and a U in both of his sideburns. That would be such a 1970’s move. You could see Willie Stargell, high as a kite, being like, “Carve, ‘Down with Whitey’ in my sideburns.” Little did we know a clean-shaven Lynn would be an all-new pitcher, throwing 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, ERA at 4.58. Prior to the trade, here’s the Twins pitching coach talking to the bullpen catcher, “Do you think Lynn might be dragging his right side a little bit because of all that facial hair?” “I don’t know, but Sasquatches have been deemed the new sexy ‘It Thing,’ so who’s to argue?” Yesterday, we saw more of Lynn (literally and figuratively) of what made him a solid starter in St. Louis for many years. His season numbers are still garbage but, if nothing else, the Stream-o-Nator loves his next start. If he can command his pitches, he could have a solid final seven weeks. It’s all about The Art of Shaving two walks off his rate. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
J.A. Happ – Will return on Thursday from Hand, Mouth and Foot Disease. If this disease hits one more person, you know what that will mean, right? Hand, Foot and Mouth Diseapocalypse.
Aaron Judge – Hasn’t resumed swinging a bat. Don’t think that means he’s refusing to ‘Do The Batusi.’
Gleyber Torres – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .279. Elon Musk Computer, “So, they got Gleyber for Aroldis, but now they have Aroldis? Beep boop bop. Does not compute. This sounds worst than Grimes’ music.”
Eloy Jimenez – There was a report yesterday that said Eloy was “really close” to joining the White Sox. First off, of course, he’s “really close.” If someone in the White Sox organization said he wasn’t “really close,” they should have their head examined. He’s hitting near-.375 with home runs every eighth at-bat in Triple-A. He’s close? Really? Ya think? Second off, the White Sox “really close” and our “really close” may not be the same thing. Their “really close” likely means September, as they prepare for him to start the year with the club next year. Third off, there’s no third off. Fourth off, this is strictly an arbitration issue. Fifth off, he’s ownable in every league in case he’s called up, but I wouldn’t drop anyone that valuable to stash him. Also, Prospector Ralph just gave you his Eloy Jimenez fantasy.
Tyler O’Neill – Hit the DL with groin inflammation. I thought only people grabbing O’Neill in fantasy leagues were getting inflamed groins. Guess it went both ways. Like Chinese Fingercuffs. The Cardinals called up Adolis Garcia, who has some sexy numbers in Triple-A — 21 homers, 10 steals. Comes with some strikeouts (22.3%) and absolutely no walks (3.8%). Basically, your standard Cuban raftee. I grabbed him in one league, because we know how much the Cards like to play Jo-Ma.
Carlos Martinez – Played catch yesterday. I appreciate that C-Mart wants to get back on the field, but maybe he shouldn’t go to the DL with injuries that take months to heal and pretend like he’s better less than a week later.
Luke Weaver – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.66. I’m super off Weaver, but I’m streaming — due to the Stream-o-Nator — Austin Gomber, John Gant, and whomever the Cards send out this week vs. the Marlins and Royals. Who made this Cardinals schedule? The Ghost of Dave Duncan?
Kyle Barraclough – 1/3 IP, 1 ER. Bearclaw is a wildly inappropriate nickname for him because he’s putting up anything but donuts. Yesterday, Javy Guerra got the save, but that was because Steckenrider was already used. I have to believe in something, so I will choose to believe Steckenrider will get the next save.
Trevor Bauer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.25. I love the new Travis Scott album. I hate that I love it because he’s dating a Kardashian, and that makes him trash…yet…but…I love the album! In the same vein, Bauer seems like a total douche, but I love him.
Yonder Alonso – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .252. Also, in this game, Edwin Encarnacion (1-for-4, 4 RBIs) hit his 25th homer. He’s hitting .233 though. On our Player Rater, it is still Edwin’s race to win between these two in an arbitrary race I just made up, and I don’t think Yonder can catch him, due to counting stats, but I will occasionally highlight this race as we go into the final stretch.
Yu Darvish – Will throw a simulated game on Wednesday. Darvish will simulate throwing at A-Rod’s head.
Javier Baez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games and third homer in the last four games and was moved down the order so Jason Heyward could bat third. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think I made that shizz up.
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA on the Cubs is 0.82, which is all we care about because I signed him up for the Grey Albright All-Stars when he was traded. His next matchup gives me the tiny shakes, but I’m rolling him out there again. “Let’s go!” screamed like Devin from MTV’s Challenge. (Not embarrassed at all that I still watch.)
Mike Fiers – Traded to the A’s for cash. Or maybe cryptocurrency. The A’s are able to turn every also-ran-slash-has-been-slash-axl, so why not try Fiers? He had a 3.48 ERA on Detroit, so he’s liable to be a sub-1 ERA starter on the A’s. Still with a 6-something K/9 though.
Jeff McNeil – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .364. I own him. Starting this there. For the people who can’t wade through my extraneous/extemporaneous/exit-mouth-without-thinking, McNeil is a long-in-his-tooth prospect. Call him Fangy McDracula. He has power, and he reminds me of Jeff Kent, but less motorcycling with a mustache. I don’t know if this will last, Ms. Cleo doesn’t know that. However, McNeil could, to borrow a term from another New York team, have Maas Appeal.
Jerry Blevins – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save, ERA at 4.08. The Mess are now leaving the 9th to The Bleev. You know him, it’s Jerry Blevins as The Bleev. This just proves what I’ve been saying for weeks. The Mess do not want Gsellman to get saves. Likely due to what it’ll do to his arbitration numbers. My money’s still on Bobby Wahl, but I’m a blogger so I have no money.
George Springer – Hit the DL with a sprained thumb. The Astros made the only move they could’ve made and recalled… *Kyle Tucker stands in front of the camera waving* Kyle, could you scooch to the side a little so we can see Derek Fisher? Thanks! As I was saying, the Astros made the only move possible and recalled Derek Fisher. *Kyle Tucker lowers his head, turns around and walks away* Hey, Kyle, could you stop moping? You’re ruining Derek Fisher’s morale.
Lance McCullers – Diagnosed with a forearm strain. Podcaster Ralph and I speak about this on the podcast that’s coming later today, but I’ll just say this, McCullers and I have officially parted company. Good luck to him in his future endeavors, but I am covering my “I Love McCullers” Trapper Keeper with a brown paper bag.
Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.81 vs. Dereck Rodriguez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.34. This matchup was billed as “Morton’s salt of the earth pitching vs. Pudge Rodriguez’s salty discharge that became a major league pitcher.” Salty Smudge Rodriguez has been talked about a bunch of times previously. I will say this, I will start just about anyone in San Fran, and play away games by ear.
Marwin Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 4th homer in the last five games. Hot schmotato alert!
Will Smith – 1 IP, 3 ER, and the blown save, ERA at 1.98. Invariably, when a closer (Strickland in this case) is due back sooner vs. later, the fill-in guy begins to choke.
Jake Arrieta – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.11 vs. Zack Godley – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Frequent commenter, Malicious Phenoms, mentioned this yesterday, but, on Sunday, there were more one-run games than any other day in baseball history. Then, yesterday, there was no offense. Conspiracy Theory Alert! The Guatemalan seamstresses who sew the baseballs extra tight for offense are a part of the resistance and sewing the baseballs just a tad bit looser.
Seranthony Dominguez – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save. Great, now you’re making Gabe Kapler think he’s smart for using a 17-man bullpen as the Phils closer.
Mike Trout – Received a cortisone shot to his wrist. 1st thought bubble, “Cortisone is a form of steroids.” 2nd thought bubble, “Trout is on steroids.” 3rd thought bubble, “Mike Trout will become Roy Hobbs hitting the cover off a baseball.”
Shohei Ohtani – Nearing mound work. Glad he was able to get into the grounds crew union–*intern whispers in my ear* He’s going to pitch? With a UCL tear? This should be interesting.
Nick Tropeano – Left yesterday’s game with shoulder tightness. Not to fear, the Angels acquired trainers from the Mets and can fix any pitcher! Angels trainer, “This will only hurt for a minute.” Angels trainer kickstarts a chainsaw.
Nicholas Castellanos – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, and his 1st homer in almost a month. How about a sequel to the Will Smith (not the Giants closer)/Kevin James magnificent Hitch? In it, The Greek God of Hard Contact meets with Will Smith and Smith teaches Castellanos to put a hitch in his swing so he uppercuts once in a freakin’ while.
David Dahl – 2-for-4 as he started yesterday while Chazz Noir got the night off. I like Dahl, and grabbed him yesterday for this game, but the second I see the Rockies bench Dahl for someone else, I will be dropping him.
Wade Davis – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.98, and his 32nd save. Mean’s while, Seung-hwan Oh (1 IP, 0 ER, 1 K) worked the 8th. Oh, K, but Wade is still the man.
Kyle Freeland – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.04. In a display of my pants acorns…To show the seeded watermelons in my slacks…To reveal my turnips that are turned down, I streamed Freeland. *makes manic gestures like an early Jim Carrey* I have exorcised the demon! Also, Freeland’s home ERA is below 2.50, so what the hey. I’m keeping him on my team for another start too. I just don’t care!
Joe Musgrove – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.41. Though, your turned-down turnips beat mine if you streamed Musgrove in Coors.
Adeiny Hechavarria – Acquired by the Pirates. Some people would look at the Pirates and think about ways to improve the hitting. The Pirates look at their club and think, “How can we find a shortstop who hits worse than Jordy Mercer?”
Mike Zunino – 3-for-5 and his 14th homer, hitting .204. That one year (last year) when he hit for a halfway decent average feels like it happened so long ago Sammy Sosa was still black.
Robinson Cano – Began a minor league assignment in anticipation of his return on August 14th. Cano said without PEDs, “It feels like swinging a pool noodle in a giant bowl of Jell-o.”