Brutus The Schwarber Beefcake

Bryce Harper (1-for-4, 2 runs) and Kyle Schwarber (2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer), stand behind home plate watching Harper’s dad throw batting practice. Schwarber walks out and stops Harp’s dad, “Thanks, but I think I’m gonna use the other guy for the Home Run Derby.” Schwarber points to Patrick Corbin. What’s the opposite of June gloom? Kyle Schwarber’s got that. Kyle Schwarber is the first Phillies hitter with 18 homers in the team’s first 64 games since Domonic Brown in 2013. Shoutout to Tehol! By the by, if you weren’t around last November during the offseason, our writer (?) Tehol was on the Bachelorette. I’m not joking:

One of our Razzball writers is on this season of The Bachelorette — which guy? The one not wearing pants pic.twitter.com/I8COMDuE2z

— Razzball (@Razzball) October 19, 2021

Any hoo! Anyone that can remember Schwarber’s last June knows he loves hitting in June and in Nationals Park. He had 16 homers last June, then burned out almost as quickly. Someone remind me to trade for Schwarber on May 31st and trade him away on July 1st. Yo, Schwarber save some for after the summer solstice. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.69. Thinking back to March and imaging myself drafting Wheeler, Betts, Rodon, Castillo and Kershaw. Ya know, all guys with injury concerns. Feeling pain as I get a tattoo that reads: PAIN.

Josh Bell – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .294. Give Juan Soto back his batting average, you jerk!

Alex Cobb – Set to return on Sunday. Injury update said “Alex Cobb (neck) returning Sunday,” and all I could see is someone named Alex with a corn on the cobb sideways in their neck.

Joe Musgrove – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.59. I’m trying to time my Joe Musgrove Sell just perfectly. Not there yet. Won’t be there later this afternoon in the Buy/Sell either. Gonna be real soon though.

Nomar Mazara – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Who is this young Padres prospect?! Anyone got a scouting report on him?! I’ve heard good things and his first name in a mirror is Ramon.

Jurickson Profar – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .253. Pretty whatever year from him, huh? Say yes so I can zap you facts, and then a how’s your father but not as in the Padres being fathers, but as me being your daddy. Say YES! Say it! No? Damn, you’re right. He’s near top 60 on the Player Rater on the year, but you apparently knew that.

Christopher Morel – 2-for-4 and slam (5) and legs (7). Mush-boom!

Matt Swarmer – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.23. This guy is great…Scolder…This guy kinda sucks…Swarmer…

Chris Sale – Alex Cora said Sale will return as a starting pitcher this season. That’s reassuring!

Jarren Duran – 2-for-3 as he led off again. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy (already available on Patreon), but Enrique Hernandez is close to starting a rehab assignment, and that’s going to likely be the deciding factor about Duran’s playing time. “The Durans playing time” also sounds like an alien seeing Duran Duran on the radio.

Rich Hill – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.42. Dick Mountain can’t handle dat A’s.

Paul Blackburn – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.26. Streamonator hates his next start, but Streamonator’s not gonna like any start from him, because he’s Paul Blackburn. His next start does seem startable.

Brandon Lowe – Shutdown with renewed back discomfort. More like Broken Loweback. More like Bandaidon Loweback. More like BraoncarthatsanIROC Lowebackhurtsfrombucketseats. Maybe not the last one. Yeah, this sucks, and back issues don’t just go away. Unless it’s back issues of Sport Magazine and your mom chucks them.

Mike Zunino – Dealing with thoracic outlet syndrome. He’s going to receive a Botox shot, because that helped in the past. I always wondered why his eyebrows didn’t move when he was shocked. Turns out a lot of actresses in Hollywood also have thoracic outlet syndrome.

Luis Severino – Hit the Covid IL without testing positive. Make sense? Glad it does to someone. Filling in for him is Clarke Schmidt (3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.82) as played by Chevy Chase.

Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam(16) and legs (6). HR to the Izzo!

Jose Leclerc – Activated from the IL. Leclerc hasn’t pitched in the majors since 2020; the last few years he’s been hanging with P.W. Botha.

Martin Perez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.10. Martin Perez is gonna have a 1.75 ERA in August and I’m still gonna be like Jesse in Breaking Bad screaming, “He can’t keep getting away with this!”

Beau Brieske – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.79. How’d this guy end up a pitcher when he so clearly has a name for a quarterback? Beau Brieske high fives Herbie Husker as he takes the Huskies the length of the field in the final two minutes for the winning drive, getting people to call them the Ne-Brieske Huskies. I mean, it’s so obvious.

Tylor Megill – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.01, and left with shoulder discomfort. Found Nimmo so I can see Megill, and this is how he thanks us. Megill’s fish food, let him go.

Mark Canha – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (1), hitting .295. I mentioned the other day how the Red Sox seem to be the only team still hitting for average, and I take that back. The Mets too.

Aaron Ashby – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.25, and left with forearm tightness. Welp, we had a good run. Not really, and that’s that.

Christian Yelich – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .242. Yelich got seemingly old so fast. I wonder if Yelich didn’t accidentally pee in a fountain with Bob Uecker and that caused a curse that switched their bodies and Yelich is now an 88-year-old. Anyone see Ueck in the cage recently?

Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer, and his 1st opposite-field homer of the season. Seems like a pretty good hitter, wonder if he can up this pace for another, say, ten years.

Shohei Ohtani – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.28, and 2-for-4, hitting .263. Angels are five games under .500 with two of the best players in baseball. Ever. Even Murderer’s Row only had Ruth, Gehrig and some other guys.

Yadier Molina – Hit the IL and is expected to miss multiple weeks with, “Danny Glover knees.” The knees were reportedly heard saying, “I’m too old for this sh*t.”

Triston McKenzie – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.96, as he threw in Coors. Fun fact! Elias Sports Bureau said Triston McKenzie’s weight in Coors is negative 17 pounds.

Brian Serven – 4-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .333. Should prolly be the Rockies’ number one catcher (and number three hitter).

Kris Bryant – Close to starting a rehab assignment. Well, that’s pretty good news since he’s played just over two weeks of the season so far.

Matt Chapman – Didn’t start due to a sore wrist. Cool, cool…*dives into the ball pit at Sesame Place and submerges self forever*

Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. The Teoscar for “It’s About Time You Started Getting Hot Goes To…” *into the mic like it’s super obvious* Teoscar.

Kevin Gausman – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.21. Taken to the woodshed by his former team, then, in the woodshed, he was forced to watch 10,000 hours of The Goop Lab.

Austin Hays – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .289. Gut check time! Where is Hays on the Player Rater? Not even close! He’s around 50th overall or the 35th best bat. Yeah, that surprised you. Not surprised like a cat jumping out of a closet. More like a turtle falling off a shelf and onto your head.

Bruce Zimmermann – Optioned to Triple-A Norfolk. Bruce said, “‘Folk me.”