Kerry Von Triptych

Take advantage of terrible matchups. That would be my advice to the guys on my fantasy team. I don’t care if you get wiped off by the nastiest deGrom slider like you’re in a 50’s noir movie and the director is wiping to the next scene that you’re not in. Or if you’re getting goosed by the nastiest Skubal fastball. Or getting horse-jockeyed (making up words now) by the funkiest Yamamoto curve. I do not care. But when you’re facing Jonathan Cannon you better be firing on all cylinders. Kerry Carpenter heeded my call (that I whispered into his ear on the screensaver of him on my ‘puter), and that’s why I love me some Carpenter. Dude knows what’s in his toolbox! Yesterday, he went 3-for-5, 5 RBIs with his 11th, 12th and 13th homer. Last year I had something go viral:

Who tf is Kerry Carpenter pic.twitter.com/7WwCa4BLEV

— Razzball (@Razzball) October 7, 2024

And now I see everyone call him Kerry Bonds. Technically, that person on Reddit called him that, so kudos, and absolutely. If you’re a righty, do not throw it to Kerry Bonds, or he will hit you into the Tigers’ version of McCovey Cove, which is a Detroit-style pan pizza, which is a pillow of soft bread, cheese, sauce and crispy cheese webs grasping up the side. It is very good. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Parker Meadows – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 1st steal, hitting leadoff, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Ever notice how you’ve never seen birds having sex, but we’re supposed to know about the birds and the bees?”

Dillon Dingler – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. [dressed as a poop emoji, cheering] Dingler’s Dingers are never left hanging!

Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Tigers jumped out to a huge early lead and Flaherty cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.

Max Meyer – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.73. Against the Suckies? Yo, the clown show is leaving the station. Your ride is the Mini Cooper and it’s the one with seventeen other clowns already in the car and Brandon Pfaadt driving. Get in you, clown! BDon says something on this week’s podcast (out today? Maybe? I don’t know) that if Meyer fails to do well vs. the Suckies at home, it’s waiver wire time for him, and I agree. So long, farewell, to the Max!

Hunter Goodman – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. He’s been the most consistently solid Rockies player all year. So, A) Of course they’re on pace for 130 losses. B) Even after Bud Black was fired, Warren Jiminy Schaeffer, continued to start Goodman every single day. C) There’s no C.

Ezequiel Tovar – Left with soreness or some shizz. I mentioned this earlier in the year, but it’s been a while: Tovar said he won’t be healthy this year. He will need the winter to get healthy. That is not good.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Is he good? Jury is still out!

Dustin May – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.09. May’s now the only Dodgers starter to last five innings in every start. Also, only one with hair the color of Takis.

Michael Conforto – 0-for-3, hitting .170. LA broadcasters mentioned yesterday: Michael Conforto did not have a hit with RISP since March 31. I lol’d.

Tanner Scott – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.73. Hate to blame goofy extra-inning losses on closers with the ghost runners, but speaking of ghosts and Tanner Scott: Boo, you stink.

Paul Blackburn – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, making his first start since August of last year. When he wasn’t good, by the way. For the Mets’ pitching coach staff’s next trick, turning water into wine, and Blackburn into good.

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (14) and legs (11), hitting .282, 2nd homer in two games, four homers in four games. Somehow, it all pales in comparison to Shohei, and Lindor is making Juan Soto seem like Juan Sluggo.

Christian Yelich – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. His last ten games, around a .475 batting average, six homers, 13 RBIs, and one hot mom.

Aaron Civale – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.19. Streamonator said this was a solid call for a two-start week, and I said, “My pants grapes are not big enough.”

Brady Singer – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.66. This start, “Singer and Civale,” sounds like a TV commercial where a 1920’s matinee idol tries to get his fading career going in the 1950’s by doing sewing machine commercials.

Elly De La Cruz – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .257. Will go on bereavement list after Wednesday’s game. He lost his older sister, and I just thought of a business, Send A Hug to Guys on your Fantasy Team. It’s like Uber, but it’s a hug, and you can send it to a player on your fantasy team, so the Hugger shows up at the stranger’s house, rings their bell, and when they answer, the Hugger hugs them–Now that I type it out, maybe not my best idea.

Shane Bieber – Said he’s targeting a late-June return. Would be hilarious if a reporter heard that and asked him, “Who cares?” This is likely why I’m not a reporter.

JJ Bleday – Was recalled. Preseason sleeper JJ Bleday–[tomato whizzes past head] Whoa! [dodges another tomato] Sorry! [tomato splats on head]

Lawrence Butler – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Hasn’t even started cooking yet and he’s up to around the top 30th outfielder on the Player Rater, and I’d be buying.

Luis Severino – 5 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.54. Nearly started him for his two-start week, but then I remembered what a little birdie told me. [imagines myself dressed as a chicken saying, “Don’t start Severino at home.”]

Joe Ryan – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.91. When your opponent gives up a truckload of runs, don’t pitch to the score. Thanking you in advance.

Logan Webb – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.55. Webb gem!

Jerar Encarnacion – 0-for-3 activated from the IL and didn’t start, which feels very telling about how the Giants plan to use him. Jerar does have huge power (10 HRs in 33 Triple-A games last year), but might hit .180 with a 35+ K%.

Stephen Kolek – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.47. He hit Wilmer Flores on the hand though, and that’s not cool. Wilmer cries very easily.

Luke Weaver – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain and will miss 4-6 weeks, which seems like an awful long time. How cooked is yo’ ham, I’d like to ask him, I is also not a doctor. Devin Williams would be my guess for saves, and this IL stint is long enough for Williams to reestablish himself. Fernando Cruz is there too, though, in case Devin continues to be ineffective or untrusted.

Colton Cowser – Activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Ever see a fountain and think, ‘That’s a mighty big toilet?'”

Richard Fitts – 1 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.71. If the Fitts Dicks, you cannot acquit.

Ceddanne Rafaela – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. That’s nice, now promote Roman Anthony!

Yoan Moncada – Hit the IL with knee inflammation. No worries, Angels have Scott Kingery to replace him. Am I being serious? You’ll never know! (Without looking at their box score.)

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .225. Angels were the first visiting team ever to hit three home runs in the first inning at Fenway Park. Elias Sports Bureau added, “We think, Billy didn’t pay our electric, saying, ‘I spent all our revenue on FanDuel.'”

Zach Neto – 1-for-5 and his 10th homer. He’s cooled recently, and still ended May with six homers, a 36-homer pace that’s unrealistic for him. Maybe 35 homers! I kid. Or do I?! I do. Oh really?!

Tyler Anderson – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.86. I saw his name as T. Anderson and I thought about how that’s Neo’s name in The Matrix and that distracted me from the fact that I streamed him this week, so thanks, Keanu!

Jo Adell – 2-for-4 and his 8th and 9th homer. Jo Adell is a post-post-post-post-post-He continued to write “post” for weeks, which turned into months, which turned into years. He ate food when it was brought to him, and his wife, Cougs, brought him water, so he wouldn’t dehydrate, but no matter what, he just continued to write “post.” When he tired, he slept. When he had to go to the bathroom, he went, but all throughout, he wrote “post.” One time, while he was sleep-typing, he wrote “pist,” backspaced over it and rewrote “post.” It was all so rote, that he was able to write “post,” without even thinking. One person close to him, said, “He’s like a robot,” and then he did The Robot dance subconsciously while writing “post.” Finally, in June of 2025, he finished it by writing “post-hype sleeper.” Jo Adell is not, of course, but he is a guy who gets hot, and maybe that’s this. Jo Adell, not a post-post-post…And he began to write “post” again.