Yesterday, Josh Harrison hit two homers (3, 4), raising his average to .313 and hitting near-.350 in the last week. He’s hitting like two-thousand against lefties, so the Hitter-Tron was all over him yesterday, like it’s all over grease spots with its dipstick. Hitter-Tron is a horny robot! You think the Hitter-Tron will ever meet up with the lonely AF Stream-o-Nator? They seem like a match made in heaven like popcorn and chicken, Kim and Kanye or Oprah and Gayle. On a larger, more general note, on our Hitter-Tron (and Stream-o-Nator) we have the ownership numbers for our RCL leagues (12-team mixed), and Harrison is owned in 89% of leagues, so, this brings me to my long-drawn-out question, how in Jane Goodall’s understated-sexiness is Harrison only owned in 25% of ESPN leagues? Honestly, seriously, awkward sentence introly, I don’t think ESPN updates their ownership numbers on the reg (not short for Reginald). Guys and five gals, this is exposing some large widespread conspiracy. Maybe we should check in with Gregory in ESPN’s “Fantasy Ownership” Department. Gregory, what do you think? “Mike Trout just fell to 99.3% owned.” All righty then. If Harrison is unowned in your league, you should fix that, if for no other reason, so we can see if Gregory updates the numbers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Is he the most yawnstipating pitcher or is it me? He’s like watching that TV show, Feud, with my Cougar. “Grey, you watching? Jessica Lange is so legendary.” Cut to me wearing those novelty eyeglasses with the open eyes. Gerrit Cole is legendary like Jessica Lange in a TV show.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-3, and his 4th homer, hitting .247. In the preseason, Knee McClutchin’ said last year’s subpar average was a blip and he was going to bounce back this year. What does he say this year? Psych?
Amir Garrett – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50. If Muslim Mrs. Garrett pitches well, take a guess if he’s on my bench or in my starting lineup. I’ll give you a hint, in my lineup, he has an ERA of 17.50, and on my bench he has an ERA of 0.75. I’m reminded of my mechanic’s name, Sigh.
Adam Duvall – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .250. Like Robert Altman’s Robin Williams early-80’s clunker that was actually awesome, Adam has Popeye-like strength, and he’s Shell-You Duvall.
Billy Hamilton – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 11th, 12th and 13th steals, hitting .222. Run this town, Hamilton, like you’re Lin-Manuel Miranda. EGOT for days!
Noah Syndergaard – Has a partial tear of his lat muscle. Weird that these things seem to always happen to the Mets. Weird like “I can’t believe water is wet,” and weird like, “How dare a car riding over my foot hurt,” and weird like, “I’m going to drop a bowling ball onto my testicles and it will hurt,” and weird like, “The sky is blue,” and weird like, “Two plus two equals four,” and weird like, “Fat Jonah Hill is funnier than skinny Jonah Hill,” and weird like, “Eddie and the Cruisers is the best movie ever,” and weird like, “I played professional badminton and people made fun of me,” and weird like, “Of course, a Mets pitcher is hurt.” Mets have no idea how long Syndergaard will be out, and, all I have to say is, of course they have no idea.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. He has seven homers in 60 at-bats. Seriously, it’s easy to check. Conforto is never going to be benched hitting the way he is. He’s the only Mets hitter. And don’t give me that Jay Bruce tomfoolery, I won’t stand for it!
Jose Reyes – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .178. I’d go as far (not that far) as to say David Wright is doing the Mets more of a solid than Reyes by just being injured.
Robert Gsellman – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.75. Wow, this schmohawk gsold us a bill of goods last year when he looked good.
Julio Teheran – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.33. I told you to sell him last week; this week you say oopsie-doopsies.
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .240. On my team (I picked him up about a week after someone dropped him; prolly Tehol), in 65 ABs, Ender has three homers and six steals with 16 runs. That’s a pace of 100/18/35. Yes, that’s also the weirdest way I’ve written a stat line.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.50, as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Man, there’s a lot of DL’d players this year to get back in your lineup. I want a raise…” off his ESPN boss’ look, “….is what I’d say if I worked somewhere else.”
Evan Longoria – Says he’s dealing with plantar fasciitis. Guess that’s why we’re getting garden variety production. High-five me! C’mon! That was good! No? Okay.
Dee Gordon – 2-for-3, 1 run and 3 steals (5, 6, 7). Wasn’t I just lambasting him about not stealing? I need to give Giancarlo some tough love. Hmm, why am I reminded of Doug Fister?
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .293. OZUNA had not hit home run in eight games. OZUNA glad to be off schneid. OZUNA sorry for sitting on seat usher, Schneider.
Sonny Gray – Activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m just glad to have a job after all of those layoffs.” After a beat, “Can I get a closer parking spot?”
Aaron Nola – Threw a bullpen session yesterday, and now I’m officially done with Nola updates. You miss one DL-return date and I’m done with your shenanigans.
Vince Velasquez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 5.47. I know he’s been less than stellar — lestar? — but I still have faith in the talent, and would try to continue to hold him.
Freddy Galvis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .273, 2nd homer in six games, hitting over-.400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Tommy Joseph – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .186. I understand why people moved on from him in April, but he could easily have a productive May filled with homers and nom-nom.
Javier Baez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .210. Similar boat as Tommy Joseph. I call that boat, the Titanic, but May could be a Princess Cruise to Turks and Schmotatoes.
Lance McCullers – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.08. He makes me feel things I haven’t felt in a long time.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .161. He is so overdue (not as overdue as Odor, but overdue), that Napoli is almost bound to hit .300 in May just so he’s hitting .250 again by June.
Chris Devenski – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd win, ERA at 1.96. He’s headed for a top 20 pitcher season. Seriously.
Zach Britton – Expected back Tuesday. Britton said, “Going down to Hyde Park for a little rumble tumble in the whosie hooha,” in a very fake British accent.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .225. Damn, he’s been underwhelming so far. I think this is the first positive blurb I’ve written about him all year, and ‘Damn, he’s been underwhelming so far’ isn’t the most positive blurb.
Dylan Bundy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 1.82. This start came in Fenway, and if you started him here, you have low-hanging nunchucks. You could take out a ninja by swinging your man-fruit. Four walks vs. 2 Ks and a 1.82 ERA makes me expect to see something at his player page…*looks*…yup. His 4.56 xFIP and 5.7 K/9 puts him in the early lead for Friday’s Sell column.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (0 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.46. And see what I said for Bundy and play it backwards and you hear, “Helter Skelter, Porcello’s been unlucky, Paul’s dead.” I’m not a big fan of Porcello, but he’s not 4.50-ish bad.
Luis Severino – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.86. That ain’t so keeno, Severino. ‘Member The Flying Hawaiian, Shane Victorino? We should call Severino, The Shitcanned Dominican. Kidding. Severino’s pitched so well this year, I’d give him at least one more start, though his next one in Wrigley even has the Stream-o-Nator shook.
Aaron Sanchez – Returned to the DL with a split nail on his middle finger. He needs a quick remedy for his man hands. Maybe a manicure?
Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.43. A lot has been made of Ray Searage (mostly by me), but whomever turned Estrada around from his years on the Brewers deserves an award. I think Dwight Gooden’s selling his Cy Young on eBay, get him that.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd day in the row with a two-hit game. I’d still be selling, but maybe this Zombino has a little life left in his bones. On a totally unrelated note, if you eat raisins, do they dehydrate you by soaking up water from your body, then you poop out grapes? I’m not sure who else to ask. Please let me know.
Victor Martinez – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .239. I’m not a huge fan and don’t love his eligibility (I swear this will be positive), but he seems to be heating up with two hits and a homer two games ago. Schmotato? P to the erhaps.
Daniel Norris – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks. Daniel Norris is like Chuck Norris without the ‘can do anything he damn well pleases.’
Trevor Bauer – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 7.67. All-Star Game idea! The day before the game they should have a home run derby with the worst pitchers and worst hitters. Like you wouldn’t tune in for Trevor Bauer vs. Daniel Descalso. Actually, that sounds awful.
Travis Shaw – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .263. Thinking I should’ve dropped Mark Reynolds instead of Shaw. Smacks self and screams a’la Chris Farley, “So stupid!”
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .218. Hitting around .300 in the last week as Vie-R says R-Var to hitting like Jo’nathan. Totally made sense, moving on.
Jedd Gyorko – 4-for-5 and two homers (5, 6), hitting .369. Wait–WHAT?! He’s hitting .369?! Is that a typo? Did Melky Cabrera hack into the Cards’ box score HTML? Gyorko has four homers in the last nine games, hitting near-.400 in the last week and, well, hitting over-.350 on the year. Boo! That’s Gyorko sneaking up on me. Wow, he needs to be owned everywhere.
Aledmys Diaz – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .227, and something tells me the Cards are going to enjoy hitting against the Brewers for the next few games. Giddy up! Or Fiddy up, if 50 Cent is reading.
Jason Vargas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (3 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 1.42. That Mennen aftershave is doing nicely keeping the Regression Fairies away. Listen, this is a great story (not really), but Vargas has a huge flashing rainbow sign above his head that the Regression Fairies will see soon enough.
Jorge Bonifacio – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs, and his 2nd homer, hitting .333, and two homers in a week. He does have a little bit of speed and power, maybe a little schmotato in there too.
Tyler Skaggs – Will be out 10-12 weeks with an oblique strain. People have legit returned from the dead quicker.
Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.61. A plum two-start week for Kershaw should’ve meant 30+ Ks across 18 innings. Well, he gets the Padres next, so maybe it still will.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Hit the DL with a bruised hip. He should carry his own bruised hip to the Met Gala like Jaden Smith.
Joc Pederson – Began a rehab assignment and expects to return on Friday. This whole Pederson is a 30/30 minor leaguer, PCL All-Star has fizzled like a yesterday-opened Fanta. Play Bellinger!
Brandon Crawford – Hopes to return Friday. The DL is being abused so badly by teams, that guys are talking about returning the day after they’re DL’d.
Hunter Pence – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .265. The Gangly Manbird finally showed up for the 2017 season. I was worried for a second he was captured and being used as a dress by Bjork.
