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Remove Giancarlo’s hamate bone! Please! Actually, remove all players’ hamate bones immediately! Sorry, not to get all The Handmaid’s Tale here, but have Aunt Lydia line up all hitters and scalpel their hamates out of their hands. No, no, no, seriously! What if the hamateless hand is just a millisecond quicker around on a swing adding to exit velocity and–Ugh! Can’t that be a possibility? I will remove my tinfoil hat for you to answer me. Okay, I can’t risk Thetans invading my between-the-ears-space so I’m putting the hat back on. Sorry. So, Jose Ramirez returned from the IL, hamateless, and did what Matt Olson and legions of others (maybe no one else) have done before and homered a bazillion times. Yesterday, Jose Ramirez went 2-for-3, 7 RBIs with his 21st and 22nd homer. In 2020, I imagine Jose Ramirez will be ranked in the preseason by everyone like I ranked him coming into this year — at some point in the 2nd round vs. that top five ranking everyone was giving him like a bunch of loons. Though, now that hamate removal surgery is the new cortisone shot… Hmm… Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Oscar Mercado – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 3rd homer in last three games. Someone didn’t like the shine off of them. Shine back on, Mercado. Shine back on.
Roberto Perez – 2-for-4 and his 24th homer. Person who drafted Buster Posey this year wishes they were hanging wit’ Mr. Ro-Pe.
Mike Clevinger – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.39. Us in the preseason, “Indians are gonna have the best pitching staff.” Us now, “Yes, but weren’t you talking about with Kluber and Carrasco?” Us in the preseason, “How are you even talking to me? We’re in different times of the year.”
Trea Turner – 5-for-8, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer. I want Trea Turner’s hits and Jon Berti’s steals combined into one player, which I thought was Trea Turner, but it’s Jon Berti.
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.92. Scherzer’s 2020 draft price isn’t taking a hit like his 2nd half pitching should indicate, but I think it should be.
Yan Gomes – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Now has six homers in September, and I’ve added him in one league, and it’s never too late to schmotato! Though, it is getting close to too late.
Aaron Nola – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.87. Speaking of aces who are taking hits but maybe not to their draft price, well, I’m not sure Nola’s draft price won’t be hit — double negatives be damned! Nola does not seem like an ace anymore and I’m not sure many disagree. (Too many negatives to count!)
Brad Miller – 3-for-7, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. The Phils were eliminated from playoff contention, sat Bryce Harper for the 2nd game of the doubleheader, and, finally, they find The Answer. Though, Harper did hit his 34th homer in a pinch-hit appearance. So, la di da!
Ryan Braun – 2-for-3 and his 21st homer, hitting .283. #JewsThatRake! *insert GIF of a rabbi raking a lawn*
Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Gray is only the 13th Reds pitcher to get 200 Ks in a season, joining teammate Luis Castillo. Only 13 is surprising, since the Reds have been around longer than anyone who is alive. I think the Reds were originally formed from a baseball, a mustache and barrel being shipped to Nucky Thompson.
Noah Syndergaard – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.30. As someone who has watched a lot of Syndergaard this year, he’s been hit. A little bit of bad luck is unavoidable. But, again, for the back of the room, he’s been hit. Isan Diaz hit a bomb off him yesterday, a no doubt, bye-bye, and Syndergaard just has not looked overpowering. With that said (reversal time!), Syndergaard feels like someone who could get out of New York and have a huge career.
Michael Conforto – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 32nd and 33rd homer, hitting .255. If Conforto gets to 35 homers this year, he will be simultaneously valuable and yawnstipating.
Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.95. Streamonator hates his last start of the year, and I get it, it’s in Philly, but there’s something to pitchers throwing against teams who have nothing to play for.
Jon Berti – 3-for-5, 1 RBI and four steals (13, 14, 15, 16), hitting .282. I will call you, Jon Bertreaturneri.
Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.51. Cubs are ending this year like they want to be the first team to win 82 games and finish under .500.
Mitch Keller – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 7.13. His ERA’s irrelevant at this point. Keller should be in that last-pitcher-drafted round of drafts in 2020 — think Julio Urias’s area of the draft over the last three years. So, Keller or Justus or Urias? How about none and we call it a day? I kid, I’d go Urias even if the Dodgers will never start him for 20 games.
Jack Flaherty – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.85. One of the best calls to buy low came from our very own, Donkey Teeth, who on July 1st said Flaherty was the biggest buy low. At the time, his stats were: 4.75 ERA, 1.23 WHIP in 85 1/3 IP. Since July 1st, his ERA is 1.30 and his WHIP is 0.79 in 104 IP. Wow.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.90, and he pitchslapped Jeff Hoffman. So, Bumgarner officially hassled the Hoff.
Buster Posey – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Some poor schnook is gonna draft Posey again next year. Don’t let it be you.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (20) and legs (3), and maybe more but the game wouldn’t end — outlaw the filibuster — and I already had my Celestial Seasonings tea. If watching what Miguel Cabrera’s aged into is sad, how sad is it watching Evan Longoria? Like needing urgent care because you lost a Star Wars action figure up your butt.
Garrett Hampson – 3-for-6, 3 runs and his 7th and 8th homer, three homers in two games, four homers in four games, and has four steals in that time. Sounds like a good time to get him out of your lineup, Bud Black! Jokes aside, can you imagine not giving Hampson 500+ ABs this year to get his feet wet for 2020? Bud Black apparently could and wanted to keep his feet dry. He didn’t even give him 300 ABs! Incredible.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .254. There was seven homers last night in Coors–Wait, it was in San Fran. Oh, wait again, it’s 2019.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (zero walks), 14 Ks, ERA at 2.52. He went from a possible number two to a solid back-end number one to “How is he not the 1st pitcher off the board in 2020?”
Alex Bregman – 2-for-4 and his 40th homer, hitting .295. You refused to draft him in March because you were worried about his elbow! Nelson Muntz, “Ha HA!”
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.76. If this is his last start, it’s a lame way to go out in what was a solid year. Yes, I priming you for the third year in a row with a Eduardo Rodriguez sleeper post!
Mookie Betts – 1-for-2 and his 29th homer, hitting .294. Mookie Ballgame!
Rougned Odor – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .202. Like a guy who sniffs armpits at a deodorant lab can tell you, you can’t keep a bad Odor away.
Rich Hill – 2 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.59. I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume Hill’s hurt by this time tomorrow. Actually, Hill could get hurt by starting a sentence with “I’m gonna go out on a limb.”
Max Muncy – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 34th homer. He’s now one home run off his 35-homer breakout of last season. Will ignore that means he’s 17 homers off his pace when figuring in juiced balls.
Frankie Montas – Will return from his suspension today to start. Doubt he’s able to go very long. Unless he found some new drugs to take.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .220. Only a streak of 25-for-26 away from getting .247!
Julio Teheran – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.81. Look at The Regression Fairies sneaking into Teheran during its rebuild.
Dwight Smith Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .243. He wasn’t originally in the O’s lineup yesterday, but the Jays changed their starter and the O’s were like, “Hey, that Dwight Smith dude hasn’t shown he sucks in almost two months, let’s give him a poopsie-oops.”
Trey Mancini – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .293. Mancini having 34 homers and sneaking up on .300 is so 2019 and so not 2019. You’re an anomaly wrapped in a whodunit.
Austin Wynns – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. If you started Wynns, admit it was just a blind gamble.
Derek Fisher – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Look at the Jays starting Derek Fisher just for my segues to our fantasy basketball leagues now forming.
Spencer Turnbull – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.59 vs. Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.51. Will either of these guys start again this year? Streamonator seems to think so and loves both of their last starts. I have my doubts on Odorizzi. He left with a tight hammy and the Twins are in the playoffs, but Turnbull might not be a “Charles Barkley saying Turnbull” option.
Ji-Man Choi – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games and third homer in the last seven games, and fifth homer in the last eleven games and 18th homer in the last 125 games. Okay, you get the point.
Cameron Maybin – 1-for-5 and his 10th homer, setting another home run record as the Yankees become the 1st team in the modern era to have 14 players hit 10 homers or more. The last time this was accomplished was in 1873 when the Jamestown Colonists had every member of their 56 player team (regulation then) hit 10 homers, but they used potatoes as balls and if you smashed it, it counted as a homer. Hence, the tater, and the ‘rustic smashed potato.’
