Went looking for Joey Votto stats since the All-Star break and I found this tidbit:
Votto since AS break: .462/.560/.692
Votto vs. MIL in 2016: 12 games, 18-for-46 (.391), 2 HR, .472 OBP#RedHots pic.twitter.com/OQp576zXSF— Cincinnati Reds (@Reds) August 14, 2016
In case you missed the fine print, that’s from 2016, so kinda pointless, but it shows he loves himself some hot air. Joey is filled with it! And so am I. Wanna elbow bump or shake hands? Elbow? Okay, cool. Here’s another one:
Votto extends his streak of reaching base safely to 46 games & talks about what really matters http://t.co/nQE3lMjBaB pic.twitter.com/cuM90ytwU8
— Cincinnati Reds (@Reds) September 30, 2015
That was 2015. I’ve proved my point. Earlier this year, during the trading deadline week, he came within one homer and about two feet in Metco of tying the Devil Dale Long’s Home Run Record, which is the best baseball record. With his 27th homer last night, Joey Votto has 16 homers and 39 RBIs in the 32 games since the break. Not only is Votto hitting for a solid average (.281), but he’s also hitting for power, and, you kinda get the impression, he could do whatever he wanted with whatever pitch he saw. Personal anecdote alert that I’ve recounted before. Fast forward a blurb if you’re not interested. When I was in my teens, I went to baseball summer camp. The guy who ran it was a Yankees’ scout, so he’d have players come in to teach us fundamentals. One guest was Mike Pagliarulo. I know, I know, this is like the opening monologue before someone sings Springsteen’s Glory Days at karaoke. Any hoo! Pags was the best hitter I ever saw within three feet of me. One kid there was a minor league pitcher, and Pags was so dramatically better than him, it was obvious the kid would never go anywhere. If Pags wanted to hit a home run to right against this kid, he did. Up the middle? No problem. Home run to left? Sure, why not? So, my point (!), against this minor league pitcher, Pags did what I imagine Votto does against major leaguers. Votto is my Pags of the majors. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.35. If you say this has any indication of anything a future Castillo might do, you’re a lying, liar.
Nick Neidert – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.54, as he was recalled. You might remember him from his brief run in the 1980’s WWF when he went by “The Tin Man” aka Nick Need-a-Heart.
Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, and his third homer in the last six games, which is almost a week. Weird calendar ya got there, O’Neill! Is he available in leagues? He’s not, right?
Lars Nootbaar – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. “Have you checked by the candied almonds?” That’s the sweet woman at Sprouts after I asked her if they had a Lars Nootbaar. Lars Nootbaar is from Cadbury, Eggland. I could go on all day, should I? Yes? Great. The only way to get Nootbaar out is with stain remover. His granny’s full name is Granola. Keep going? Okay, okay! One more! In Nootbaar’s Twitter bio, it lists his pronouns as chewy/nougaty, and his wife’s are her/shey.
Freddy Peralta – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation….And I want someone to drive over my foot with a tractor. It’ll distract me from my loss of FreddyKBB. Please, do this for me.
Brandon Woodruff – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.48. Woodruff gave up a homer simply because he has a Noot allergy. Okay, that’s really the last one!
Mike Zunino – Has missed back-to-back games due to a tooth issue, which would help explain his abscesses.
Shane McClanahan – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.63. McClanahananananananananan or Manoahahahahahahahahahah or Logan Gilbert for 2022? I have no idea yet, but these are the kind of things I’m thinking about.
Brandon Lowe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .236. Just gave you my Brandon Lowe fantasy, when he went double-donging, and now, as Shakespeare said, “He who dongs again, dongeth once more.”
Ramon Urias – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. An Urias is in this afternoon’s Buy column. It is not this one.
Max Stassi – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. I have Mike Trout in one league this year for the first time ever, and…Am I required to go check on him?–Sorry! I was doing speech-to-text with my spiritual advisor, and the cursor was in the wrong spot.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .272. Angels scored 13 runs and Ohtani only singled twice! Ha! What a bust!
Eric Haase – Hit the IL with an abdominal strain. Bummer for the Wizard of Haase, my pretty.
Willi Castro – 1-for-5 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s here now, and *raspberries lips* Whatever, but I guess schmotato.
Jeimer Candelario – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in the last five games, and hitting ~.300 in the last month and is anyone really picking up a Tigers hitter? Y’all ain’t that desperate, are you?
Spencer Howard – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.56. Someone slip the Rangers this note, “Just because the Phils didn’t send Howard down to the minors to fix him doesn’t mean you can’t.”
Adolis Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 27th homer. If this is regressing, can Cody Bellinger regress too?
Jason Martin – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Who’s ready for everyone’s favorite game: Cubs Player, Rangers Player, Made-Up Name! Your first question is, “Jason Martin?”
Chris Flexen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.65. Marco Gonzales and Chris Flexen are simultaneously uninspiring fantasy starter choices and guys I’d absolutely look to grab. Even if the Streamonator isn’t crazy about his next one.
Mitch Haniger – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .258. Haniger didn’t get as much attention as Mancini prolly because national media doesn’t go around saying, “This guy had his balls stomped so bad when he hears about spay and neutering he winces,” but Haniger is having a nice bounce back season, as well.
Ty France – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .286. I call France’s home runs, Freedom Flies.
Zack Wheeler – 6 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.77. This start was vs. the Diamondbacks, who aren’t as bad as you might think. They have D. Ellis at 3rd. Gonna guess that is Doc Ellis. They have B. Holaday at catcher. The B. isn’t short for anything, it’s a state of mind, telling you to relax like you’re on vacation. Okay, no one’s buying this, right? When I said I wanted to watch Wheeler dominate the DBacks and had to “go add” it to my iCal, I didn’t say, “I wanted to watch Wheeler take it in the gonads.” *illustration of taffy being stretched*
Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Streamonator likes his next start too, for good reason, it’s against the Pirates, so, yeah, I don’t like The Angry Bum, but could see grabbing him.
Jose Urquidy – Began a rehab assignment in the Florida Complex League. It was a game between the Suplexes and the Duplexes.
Alex Bregman – Dusty Baker said there was no updates on Bregman. Might be time for a slow walk to camera and a desk sit from John Walsh as we report on the missing person case of Alex Bregman.
Luis Garcia – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.39 in 70 pitches. You know pitchers are stretched too thin after last season when even Dusty Baker is limiting guys.
Nicky Lopez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, has five steals in the last four games and will definitely be in this afternoon’s Buy column. Also, this was Nicky Lopez’s first homer since August 8th or last year, or 464 at-bats ago. Elias Sports Bureau said, “If yesterday’s game went deeper into extra innings, Nicky Lopez was due to hit another home run in the 14,657th inning.”
Mike Minor – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.34. Not sure if the Streamonator liked this start by Minor or not, and I was thisclose to streaming, but I bawk-bawk chickened out.
Luis Severino – Was cleared of structural damage in his shoulder. That was the 2nd opinion. Speaking of which, at what point do opinions refresh to zero? If he hears another opinion in, say, two months, is that a third opinion? Do opinions roll back to zero after a week? Two weeks? Month? What’s an opinion’s timetable?
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer. It’s so laughable he doesn’t have 50+homers with how goofy that porch is in right. He lines home runs to right like he’s playing a game of pepper. Oh, and No Pepper Games Allowed, unless you’re talking Barry Pepper.
Chad Green – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.13, and his 6th save. Well, kinda the right guy was used, instead of Aroldis, but Green did get clobbered by the blubber — blobbered.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer, as he blobbered Green. This was his 2nd game in a row with a home run and he’s about to hit four homers in three games in Yankee Stadium this weekend.
Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer, hitting .279. Kinda hope Olson goes bottoms-up and hits .175 in the final month, so all the people who are poring over Donkey Teeth’s fantasy football rankings in August come back next year and are like, “Grey, handsome face, but Olson is still a .240 hitter.”
Matt Chapman – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .226. I’ve been following Chapman’s recent hot streak very closely, so I did a triple-check when I saw he had 19 homers. I believe that’s more like 25, so that’s what we’re going with.
Sean Murphy – 1-for-2 and his 14th homer. Only 11 more homers to catch Chapman.
Cole Irvin – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.57. The one strikeout is a sad emoji on the back of a paddywagon being taken downtown for disorderly conduct, but, if you would’ve told me before the game, Irvin would only give up three earned in the South Side of Chicago, I would’ve taken that every day and Muesday, the imaginary day between Monday and Tuesday.
Carlos Rodon – La Russa said Rodon could return next week. It’ll give time for his fake injury to fake heal.
Andrew Vaughn – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, Yesterday, Andrew Vaughn said, “Listen Jose, Tim, Yoan….everyone! Today, I’m supplying our offense,” and because of Andrew Vaughn, the White Sox lost.
Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Cease was dancing between the devil (Dale Long) and raindrops with four walks and his proclivity for allowing homers. By the by, you cannot say the word “proclivity” out loud and not sound like a perv.
