You know how in 3rd grade you were able to play guitar in the school band because your mom made personal pan pizzas for the drummer and lead singer? C’mon, I know it’s true, I read your autobiography. Okay, now imagine that on a large scale. Well, that’s where the title of this post comes from. JD & The Straight Shot is fronted by the guy that owns the New York Rangers and Knicks, and wrote this ear-bleeding song about Trayvon Martin. Oh, and he got his band to open for The Eagles! If he can do it, then I can get a record deal for my rapper alias, B-Fire. Uh-oh, B-Fire’s gonna spit some rhymes about J.D. Martinez (3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs) and how he hit his 24th homer overall yesterday, and his 8th homer in the last eleven games.
In my 1st outfield slot, I have Adam Jones,
He’s left me high and dry like marijuana scones.
Damn, his shizz is sour,
Like the smell in Jersey near Rutgers not Hauer.
Why can’t we all get Jew Don to treat us?
Not to get all philosophical, but David Hume wrote a treatise.
I’m kicking in a womb, fetus.
I like that one Simpsons character, what’s his name again? Oh, yeah, Cletus!
Yo, my baptism pool was salt-rimmed, Jesus margaritas!
If I’m redrafting today, please give me a Martinuzz.
Especially the way J.D. keeps going over the wall,
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th homer. I can also make Cespedes rhyme with Jesus margaritas.
Victor Martinez – 4-for-5, 3 runs and his 3rd homer. He’d have to pull off one heckuva of a 2nd half to not be the schmohawk that I labeled him in the preseason. *blows on knuckles, wipes said knuckles on shirt, realizes knuckles had tomato sauce on them* Dah!
Nick Castellanos – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. He’d have to have one hell of a next five years to not make me think he’s just a schmohawk.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 5 IP, 5 ER as he returned from the DL. Hisashi my dashi — burp burp! Maybe he should’ve went out on another rehab start. Or just tried to come back next year. I’d own Iwakuma in most leagues, but I sure wouldn’t start him until I saw a decent start.
Logan Morrison – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Morrison’s one of those guys that depresses you when he does well. “Hey, I got a homer from Logan. Oh, man, I only own him because I lost Miggy!”
Matt Garza – Hit the Disgraceful List with suckitis. Sometimes spelled suckyitis.
Khris Davis – Will be returning today from the DL. About two weeks ago, I said to stash him like I ‘stache my face, but now that Parra’s playing well this could be a clusterfudge shituation in Milwaukee with both of them losing playing time and value. I still have Davis on some teams, but after I see how it plays out over a few days, he might need to get khut.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. I feel like I just heard someone mention Parra. Was it Hugh Grant? I know it was someone handsome and charming.
A.J. Pierzynski – 4-for-5. I prefer his alias, A.J. Pollock.
Kelly Johnson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Yesterday, he hit third for the Braves, which is the saddest thing that’s been written since Lorena Bobbitt’s note, “Sorry about your penis.”
Juan Uribe – 2-for-5, 1 RBI. Hot schmotato alert!
Jacoby Ellsbury – Yankees said he will be activated on Wednesday. I don’t foresee any problems with him and I doubt he will get hurt again. Damn, I forgot to put sarcastic HTML tags around that.
Josh Harrison – Hit the DL for six weeks with torn ligaments in his thumb. Blech, I hate any kind of mints.
Starling Marte – Sat out yesterday with what the Pirates are calling anything but a strained oblique. They’re like, “It’s a sore side with lots of discomfort, and he’s likely day-to-day.” They’re taking this oblique thing literally. I wish they would just DL him, rather than let him sit until Friday, then let him play for a few innings only to see him re-injure himself, because that is so obviously where this is headed.
A.J. Burnett – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.99. The more he says he’s going to retire the better he gets. He’s like the Danny Glover of major league pitching.
James Shields – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 3.88. Sure, his owners will take that instead of a 7 ER, 7 K performance, but I have a pregunta. Why not pitch well and get strikeouts? Hmm, Shields, hmm? I should’ve been a criminal prosecutor.
Derek Norris – 1-for-4 as he hit leadoff. If variety is the spice of life, then the Padres lineup and its multiple variations is jerk seasoning.
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-4. Speaking of jerk, he’s had multiple hits in three of his last four games. Why do you keep sucking me in?!
Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .263. I’m still trying to come to terms with how I should’ve just drafted Espinosa in the free round and avoided Rendon. Though, I’m not doing a good job of coming to terms with it. Likely how Whoopi feels after the newest Cosby news. Whoopi, stop defending Rendon. You should’ve just took Espinosa, let it go.
Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 and his 3rd steal. Aw, sookie! This was almost his best game of the year!
Doug Fister – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. Anthony DeSclafani 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. Funny enough, DeSclafani is Italian for fanny Fister.
Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .329. Someone mentioned this the other day in the comments, but we never settled on a term. Suarez is doing better than he ever did in the minors. We should have a term for that. A guy that does better in the majors than he ever did in the minors, but will eventually burn out. Please suggest in the comments.
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.48. I won’t even mention what his ERA has been since I told you to buy him, but it’s grotesquely beautiful. Hmm, I gotta stop letting my werewolf pick out my adverbs.
John Lackey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.09. Only thing Lackey here is John!
Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 16th homer. I guess his hand was fine. Lowercase yay!
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Were there a lot of catchers drafted before Grandal? Yasmani.
Howie Kendrick – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Howie like me now!
Ryan Howard – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. If he could just get his average up a hundred and fifty points, he could fill in for Miggy.
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 12th steal, and his 15th steal in the last week, and his 25th steal in the last few days while you’ve debated picking him up.
Odubel Herrera – 1-for-2 and a slam (4) and legs (9). It’s funny (not funny) to look at the Phils lineup vs. the Astros. Phils have like seven guys hitting better than their Astros counterparts, and the Astros lineup is much more feared, as well it should be. The title of my Salon piece that will never happen, Batting Average Died with Tony Gwynn.
Chris Sale – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.80. If Sale had struck out ten or more batters yesterday, it would’ve been the most consecutive times (9) a starter had done that since 1900. One thing people aren’t mentioning is Sale’s feat was already impressive because from 1900 to 1910 starters would pitch with a lime because of the rampant scurvy epidemic.
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBI as he continues to stay hot schmotato-like, batting from the three hole. Or as your mom once said, the Melk Man cometh!
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-3 and his 20th homer. The Son of Donald is so much better than the Son of Sam, Son of the Mask and Son of a Preacher Man.
Chris Colabello – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. Whatevs, right? Well, I guess it’s also worth pointing out it’s in only 52 games and he’s hitting .335. So, instead of, say, Matt Kemp, you should’ve just drafted Colabello, sat him in your open outfield slot for the first thirty games while not accruing any stats, and you’d still be better off!
Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Last year, pre-All-Star break 2.64 ERA, post-ASB 4.64. Just in case any of youse are getting any goofy ideas.
Lorenzo Cain – Ned Yost said Cain will miss a few games this week with a sore hamstring, but will be fine for the All-Star Game. Super! Too bad this one counts, but not for fantasy.
Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.82. You know you’re having a pretty good season when we’re in July and I don’t know if a 7 IP, 2 ER game is raising or lowering your season ERA. Either that or I’m a moron.
Ricky Nolasco – Will undergo ankle surgery. If you were relying on him for your fantasy team, check out our fantasy football side of things. There’s nothing I can do for you here.
Phil Hughes – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunnerds, 3 Ks, ERA down to 4.19. I misspelled baserunners in honor of the passing of Cindy Mancini.
Torii Hunter – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. I just realized Torii’s been better than Adam Jones. I now feel as angry as when I see Robert Irvine on the TV and I need to Hulk Smash something.
Aaron Hicks – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. That’s his 2nd homer in as many games because major league baseball has agreed with my suggestion that anyone who has less than five homer power gets to use an aluminum bat.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said that the Twins three homers that were all 1-for-4’s were the most yawnstipating three homers by one team since the last time it happened. Elias Sports Bureau is really half-assing things.
Adam Jones – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer. Dude, you have serious work to do in the 2nd half of the season if you want to be drafted anywhere in the top five rounds next year.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer. Machado above Jones in next year’s drafts? Oh, no doubt, Gwen Stefani.
Hunter Pence – Could return before the All-Star game. Seems kinda silly to not just let him rest for an extra week, but maybe he’s feeling cooped up. Though, you’d think a Gangly Manbird would be used to that.
Jon Niese – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Chris Heston 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Let’s just be glad someone scored and this game isn’t still going.
Marwin Gonzalez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. My favorite Marwin! Also, not coincidentally, my only Marwin.
Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA up to 2.14. Insanely, I think this is the most he’s been hit all year. For those that own him, he’s giving the term “Keuchel exercises” a whole new meaning.
Colby Rasmus – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Well, yeah, it was a short schedule day.
Preston Tucker – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his fifth homer. Damn, I almost made him my batty call yesterday, but I didn’t want to cross streams since I was starting Carrasco. Turns out Ghostbusters don’t know a thing about fantasy baseball.
Carlos Carrasco – 4 IP, 5 ER. The Indians staff suffers from CHGS, Crazy Hot Girl Syndrome. You’re like, “Yo, fellas, check out my hot girlfriend!” “Yeah, she is hot, but why is she keying your car?” “Oh crap, Crazy Hot Girl Syndrome!” Or, “Yo, fellas check out my smoking girlfriend!” “Yeah, she is smoking…As well as your entire house, because she just lit it on fire.” “Oh no, Crazy Hot Girl Syndrome!” Or, “Yo, guys, you gotta see how hot this girl is I met last night.” “Yeah, she is hot, but why is she making out with your brother while defecating on your baseball card collection?” “Oh man, Crazy Hot Girl Syndrome!”
