The title’s not to be confused with a Wahlburger. By the by, Marky Mark was at my gym the other day. My man’s short. He looked like a Caucasian Altuve. Steal some bases, Marky Mark! You know, there’s nothing quite as frustrating as setting your weekly lineup and having your star go down the moment games begin on Monday. It’s more frustrating than the person in front of you trying to locate exact change. Use your debit card! What do you mean you’re going to see if there’s some loose change in your car ashtray? Cars don’t even have ashtrays anymore! In the preseason, I supposed that Hanley Ramirez would need to be moved to shortstop at some point, unable to handle The Green Monster. Yesterday, Hanley got a taste of Wally. The Red Sox said it’s a shoulder sprain, which could mean he’s back in a few days or out until July. Yay, specifics! On a related note, a Red Sox reporter from The Boston Globe tweeted in the 2nd inning, “It’s 4-0 Rays. Red Sox season could be done soon at this rate. Losses and injuries piling up.” I’m in no way a Red Sox fan, but really? Done because you’re losing in the 2nd inning of an early May game and your team is practically at .500? Wow, is that guy a Masshole. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matt Moore – Faced live hitters on Sunday. Swipe right!
Jake Odorizzi – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.21. Damn, I wish I owned him somewhere. Not enough to go out and trade for him, but enough to long in my loins. His peripherals, while not dazzling, don’t scream he should be getting rocked either. If he can up his Ks some more (they’re at 7.1), he could really break out. It’s Odorizzi, it’s Odorizzi, to fall in love.
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-4, hitting .306. Yesterday, I called him a hot schmotato. Today, I’m saying, indeed.
Steven Souza – 2-for-3, 1 run, hitting .220. Ah, there’s that wannabe trumpeter again. About time, Souza, the sad trombones were getting boring!
Alex Cobb – Had a minor setback and has been shut down. Minor setback + shut down = Kentucky bourbon. Hmm, math’s off there. Was supposed to equal “likely Tommy John surgery.”
Adam Ottavino – Headed for Tommy John surgery. Ottavino just had a bad hand dealt to him. Well, a bad elbow. John Axford will continue to see saves until we see the real Axford, and at that time maybe Hawkins or Betancourt will get looks. No reason to own anyone, but Axford for now.
Sean Doolittle – Will face hitters soon. No word if they’ll be live.
Stephen Vogt – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and a grand slam, his 7th homer. It’s like Vogt is from the island of Dorne, but instead of just fighting and f***ing, Vogt also homers.
Mark Canha – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and his third homer this week. Hot schmotato alert!
Jesse Hahn – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.33 vs. the Twins. Hope in one Hahn, and crap in the other Hahn, and which Hahn do you have? So glad I didn’t get roped into this shizz show after his last good start.
Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA up to 5.02. I’m guessing there’s going to be a Disgraceful List stint by the time you wipe the googies out of your eyes this morning. Or at least there should be.
Kennys Vargas – 2-for-4, 2 runs. All of hims. Why not pick up all of hims?
Jordan Schafer – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Because I actually own him in one league, I’ve been cyclops’ing him and I have to say after this awkward intro to this sentence, what happened to his speed? He has zero steals through 22 games and has been caught three times after stealing at will last year. How bizarre. Ugh, now I have that terrible How Bizarre song stuck in my head.
Danny Santana – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and a steal. Fantasy value from Dannys Antana? No way! C’mon! Say it ain’t true!
Oswaldo Arcia – Hit the 15-day DL with a strained hip flexor. Arcia later!
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Ugh, everything that comes out of Hollywood is derivative! This Kershaw show is that Lincecum show from a few years ago with just less k.d. lang.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. He dedicated this homer to Alex Guerrero, who lost his freedom to play baseball when he left Cuba.
Jean Segura – Sat out yesterday, but CT scans on his head found nothing. Sounds like the CT scans on Mattingly’s head.
Anthony Rendon – His knee is feeling better, just in time for him to get an oblique strain. There’s no timetable for his return now. At this point, I’m hoping he’s back for the H2H playoffs.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 4.15. He only really had one bad start this season, but his K-rate is still mesoraco (lower-cased it’s an adjective for ugly), and coupled with his xFIP he still doesn’t look anywhere near a number one.
Yunel Escobar – 5-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs with five singles like the most obnoxious guy in the strip club that orders an orange juice.
Ian Desmond – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I was gonna mention this in Monday’s roundup, but there was too much to get in there. I saw Desmond on Sunday and he’s hitting everything hard, and looks to be busting out of his slump. Maybe he slept with Billy Butler.
David Phelps – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Looks like the Yankees got the worst side of yet another Phelps trade. How could you trade Buhner?! As for Phelps, he’s pretty streamery in most leagues, and the Stream-o-Nator has some choice words for his next start.
Adeiny Hechavarria – 2-for-4, hitting .320. Hechavarria long hot streak he’s rocking. Hilariously, the Marlins don’t even believe it and have moved him back to the 8-hole. And by hilariously, I mean not hilariously.
Carlos Martinez – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies prefer to eat organic, they’ll watch anything with Ryan Phillipe, even if he’s playing a father to a kid that looks older than him, and they will rip your ratios out through your chest and eat them for dinner.
Kolten Wong – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Another day, another multiple hit game at the bottom of the order. At least Jason Heyward (2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI) is no longer batting in the two hole. Matt Carpenter (0-for-5) is in the two hole and there’s no chance he’s being moved down. Though, Jon Jay (1-for-4, 1 run) doesn’t need to hit frickin’ leadoff!
Travis Wood – 5 IP, 5 ER. The Regression Fairies were sad to see Glee end, they can’t find anything to match those plaid shorts they’re dying to wear, and they will destroy your confidence in your pitching.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-5 and a slam (4) and legs (7). Okay, McCutchen, what did you do with Rizzo! Answer me!
Chase Whitley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (0 BBs), 6 Ks vs. the Blue Jays. He’s left 100% of men on base like you’d hope from your daughter. There’s no way that continues, just like with your daughter.
R.A. Dickey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA at 4.38. Surprised not to see any Ks. Usually if the knuckler is dancing, then Dickey’s going well and it leads to strikeouts. Oh, and the Dickey knuckler does not lead to blindness, contrary to popular myth.
Leonys Martin – Left yesterday’s game with a bruised wrist. Too bad it’s not braised, that’s delicious!
Matt Shoemaker – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners (1 BB), 10 Ks. You’re making me crazy! Where was that when I owned you on every team?! Laces out, Shoemaker, laces out! In most leagues, I’d wait to see another good start before diving back in, but obviously 10 Ks and one walk could be the start of a beautiful, renewed friendship.
Austin Jackson – Hit the DL with “sold his soul for two good days of hitting in April.” The devil says Jackson will be back in the minimum 15 days.
Logan Morrison – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer and third homer in the last four games, and I grabbed him in all leagues where he was available before the start of games yesterday. I don’t want to fall in love with a batty call, not just because of guy code, but I do think Morrison is about as hot as they come right now.
Seth Smith – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Thelebrate good timeth, c’mon!
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 714th homer.
Tyson Ross – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 4.15. Looks decent on the surface, but three walks to five Ks isn’t terrific. This was his longest outing of the season, so there’s one positive (in innings pitched leagues).
Alex Wood – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 4.32. *rips white sheet from bed* Leave me alone, Cougs! I need to raise a white flag. What? We bought white flags from Target last year after drafting Jay Bruce? Oh, my bad. Wood’s velocity is fine, line drive rate is fine, ground balls are fine, fly balls are actually down, but everything else is FUBAR’d beyond the FUBARiest of the FUBAR’d. Which means… *shrugs* What the effin’ eff? My guess is the problem lies in the command (his walks are up). He never threw fast, so if his command fails him, he loses Ks and gives up runs. Since everything is relatively normal, I’d try to hold him and hope he comes out of it, but I’d likely hold him on my bench. Remember, if you drop all pitchers that were bad in April for ones that were great in April, those that were great in April could be bad in May and you no whammy, no whammy, WHAMMY!
Jace Peterson – 2-for-3, hitting .257. He has one steal on the year, and hasn’t done much overall, but he’s hitting over-.350 in the last week and could be a short-term hot schmotato.
Jeff Francoeur – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and a home run short of the cycle. For Frenchy, that’s as good as it baguettes.
Chase Utley – 0-for-4, 1 run, hitting .103. Damn, so close to under .100. This is so fascinating yet sad. I feel like I’m watching a game of limbo where a nurse is rolling a man in a coma under the broom.
Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 2.35. If the Phillies had four more Harangs, they’d have a zoo.