Guess who’s back? Back again! No, that’s not The Greek God of Walks, Kevin Youkilis, sufferer of chronic back pain, singing. Besides, it’s “who’s back,” not “whose back.” We’re not trying to identify a back! Byron Buxton‘s back, baby, yeah. With every positive reaction, there’s an equal opposite negative reaction, or so said Einstein when he was fiddling with refrigerator magnets. And the negative reaction to Buxton coming back is Aaron Hicks hit the DL. Too bad, so sad. Buxton didn’t do much in his first stint in the majors, but he could be easily as good as Schwarber, Sano or any other rookie nookie that’s got your cookie all melty. I would grab Buxton in every league. I’m excited. Uppercase yay! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kevin Jepsen – Paul Molitor confirmed that Jepsen will close while Perkins is out. Molitor went on to say, “I could’ve closed games, but I chose to hit in 39 consecutive games instead.”
Greg Bird – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his first two homers. I just gave you my Greg Bird fantasy. I wrote it on parchment paper and handed it off to my friend, a parakeet. I would grab Bird for upside, i.e. the chance to see Bird fly.
Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Big day from Bird and Eovaldi? All they needed was a squeeze of lemon and some rosemary, and it would’ve been a picnic at The Barefoot Contessa’s.
Matt Harvey – The Mets said Noah Syndergaard (5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks) or Harvey would be skipped this week. And thus it begins. Harvey will likely pitch around 200 IP this year and is at 154. No sweat, roll-on deodorant, he has plenty of starts left to get to 200 IP, says you with a twinkle in your eye. Unfortch, I think the Mets will likely want to use him in the playoffs, which means they’ll be even more conservative in the regular season. As for Syndergaard, he has about forty to fifty innings left. Again, if the Mets want him for the playoffs, that means he has even fewer innings left. As Mr. Met would say, I’d sell them both for Rajai Davis, but that’s only because Mr. Met is actually ESPN fantasy analcyst, A.J. Mass.
Wilmer Flores – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. I hear there’s talk of SodaStreaming Flores’s tears and making a new type of beverage, the Zimer.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting over .300 in the last week. You know I like me some Schoop, and not just for the smell of it, for the yell I get, but due to his power.
Adam Jones – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 23rd homer. Please get to 30 homers, you bastage!
Jason Heyward – Hopes to play Friday. And I hope to never be told “Sorry, sir, only three samples per customer.” Modest hopes are in order today.
Yadier Molina – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, that was his 2nd homer in the last three games. Get a hot schmotato too close to Molina’s family and Bengie’ll likely douse it in butter and eat it, but it looks like Yadier’s finally doing something this year.
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer overall and in the last four games. Why aren’t you picking him up? Piscotty doesn’t know!
Jaime Garcia – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks I know it’s a little goofy to say to consult the Stream-o-Nator for a pitcher with a 1.79 ERA, but I would with Garcia before just starting him.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 as he returned from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Get him in your–” then motioned at the sign above his desk as he frantically erased all email correspondences with Subway’s Jared. In a crazy small world way, Subway’s Jared lived kitty-corner from Cougs growing up. Or maybe that was kiddie corner.
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.32 vs. Tyson Ross 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time two starters faced each other that had so much promise in March that left August with so much to be desired. A close second, every game with Samardzija.
Yangervis Solarte – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd in as many days. Here’s me owning Solarte when he’s Coors, “What a piece of Yangershizz.” Here’s me not owning Yangervis two days later after he’s hit two homers, “A total piece of Yangershizz!”
Billy Hamilton – Hit the DL because he needed to find new ways to disappoint.
Brandon Phillips – Hit his ninth homer, but exited the game with an inflammed biceps. Wishing him the best, but an inflammed anything on BP sounds combustible.
Ben Zobrist – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting near-.450 in the last week. Zobrist hasn’t even been good this year, but it says so much that I wish I owned him instead of stupid Rendon.
Chase Utley – Traded to the Dodgers. This comes a day after Ruin Tomorrow Jr. said that Utley wouldn’t be traded. The Phils front office was waiting for Ruin to work out a deal with Mattingly that turned into one part staring contest, two parts nose picking session. Finally, adults took over and traded Utley. Mattingly said, “I’m just glad to move Alex Guerrero another man down the depth chart.” I’d guess Utley will be the starter, but if you think I know what Mattingly’s thinking, then I take offense to that. Utley could have some more value for runs and RBIs, but it’s not going to suddenly make him worthwhile in most mixed leagues. This will spell the end to Kike. Frickin’ Nazis!
Yasiel Puig – Sat out yesterday with a sore hamstring, but he doesn’t think he’ll need to miss 39 games like his last hamstring pull. Yay, maybe 38 games. I will draft Puig again when he flies past my window–nay, when he butterflies his wings up to my window and says, “Yo, Grey-money, I’m all good.”
Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. He’ll definitely be happy to see Utley, because Rollins left behind his Preparation H and Utley promised he’d bring it with him.
Alex Wood – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K. Wood? I couldn’t even get limp noodle with how this guy is pitching. At this point, I think you have to consider Wood a streamer, and consult the Stream-o-Nator.
Jesse Chavez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.75. He’s alternated good and bleh starts for the last few, which leaves me lukewarm, which was what Muslim countries translated Katy Perry’s Hot N Cold to.
Drew Pomeranz – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save and…I dropped all other relievers I owned for the A’s, except the DL’d Doolittle. After F-Rod’s shizzshow on Tuesday with 1/3 IP, 3 ER and the lack of A’s saves, in general, it’s Pomeranz or bust, as a bumper sticker says in the Westminster Kennel Club’s parking lot.
Mark Canha – 2-for-3, hitting over .400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers (13, 14). Since I’ve been telling you to pick him up for the last few weeks, I’ve likely mentioned this before, but Khris Davis is like Chris Davis-lite. Maybe that’s what the H stands for, healthy. Khris can also hit a junkload of homers in a quick amount of time.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer. OZUNA eat fastball for dinner. OZUNA burp, fastball comes with gas.
Derek Dietrich – 3-for-5, 2 runs. Has multiple hits in three of the last four games with a home run. Derek and the Schmotatoes!
Andres Blanco – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. I saw he had two homers in his last two games, and I was like, “Giddy up, snitches, Grey rides again!” Then I realized I owned Gregor Blanco and I was like, “Grey, you dumb.” With Franco out, Blanco could be a light schmotato for NL-Only leagues, but I wouldn’t expect much.
Jeff Francoeur – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Could be a hot schmotato, but it’s also sorta soul-crushing to pick up Phillie players, so keep your emotional baggage in mind too.
Aaron Altherr – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st major league homer in his 2nd game. He sounds like a prospect named by Chingy. Look at that prospect, Altherr, Altherr. He could hit 20 homers with some speed in a full season, and .220 with a bunch of Ks. It’s okay in NL-Only, but I’d ignore for now in mixed leagues.
Darnell Sweeney – Traded to the Phils and immediately called up. Ruin does seem to be the type to open all his presents Christmas morning and get bored of them by nightfall, except the Rubik’s Cube which he just breaks with a hammer. In Triple-A, Sweeney had nine homers and 32 steals. Oh. I mean, OH! That’s nice. He could be a guy without a lot of real life pub that produces nice fantasy numbers. I grabbed him in one NL-Only league just to see what he can do.
Jerad Eickhoff – Phillies also promoted this new addition to the club to start on Friday. He seems like a number four to five starter. So, stinkle-Eickhoff; Eickhoff-stinkle.
Corey Kluber – 6 IP, 6 ER. Is there anything to say for Kluber at this point other than sigh?
Travis Shaw – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .369. Holy Monkey Julius, this guy is out of his mind right now. He be like, “Hello, I’d like to order a mind, because I am out of mine. Mind. Mine mind. No, you’re a stutterer!” I wish I owned him in all of my leagues.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting near-.450 in the last week. That is being buoyed by a huge two-homer game on Saturday, but it looks like he’s got some fight in his schmotato.
Junichi Tazawa – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. The Red Sox said Machi would close, so I picked up Machi. Machi is not closing, but he did give up two runs yesterday in a meaningless third of an inning. Don’t you love when you’re the first to grab the guy a team calls the closer only to see someone else become the closer while your guy gets turned out? It’s my favorite. For what it’s Werth, I dropped Machi everywhere.
Trevor Cahill – Signed to a minor league deal by the Cubs. “Today, as we stand here on Chicago city hall steps, 2015 world champions, I’d like to thank…” Crowd drowns out speaker for 20 minutes of thank yous then, “…the janitor after that bathroom debacle in April and finally Trevor Cahill!”
Jon Lester – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER. For those wondering, no, he didn’t just allow seven walks and 21 steals.
Kris Bryant – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. I mentioned this in the top 100 of the 2nd half, but Wrigley is a real nice place to hit in the dog days of humidity.
Dexter Fowler – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Did he have some homers overturned? I feel like he’s hit more than that.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer. If I put an ad out for a BBW, I would be more than happy if Schwarber responded.
Rajai Davis – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Is it wrong to start The King of SAGNOF against Lester and be disappointed by only a homer?
Nick Castellanos – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and two homers (12, 13). I’m already counting the days until I draft Castellanos way too high next year and immediately regret it. Must be a Greek thing, cause Castellanos you will be my new Moustakas.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. I feel like we just got done with a major Just Dong circus of dongs. We’re back there again already?
Daniel Norris – Exited the game with an oblique strain. Vague!
Lance McCullers – Will pitch this Sunday vs. the Dodgers. LA is where Ice T made his name, so it’s only fitting McCullers-Cullers, McCullers-Cullers reemerges for that start. I would not be in a rush to start him, though.
Nate Karns – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Dallas Keuchel 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. This was a matchup of Karns vs. Keuchel with neither going kerplunk in this ferkakta game. Hey! I got my comedy K’s back. King Kong cold-cocked Kato Kaelin, said Krusty the Clown.
Carlos Correa – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Thankfully, Correa’s on this side of the demarcation line.
Jeff Weaver – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Jeff Samardzija 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. This was a matchup billed as, “Jeff Doesn’t Live On My Fantasy Team Anymore So Who Cares.”
Carlos Perez – 2-for-3 with a slam (3) and legs (2). This was the first recorded slam & legs that no one ate.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks in Coors. So rarely in this game is bravery rewarded. Perhaps it’s because it’s played by prematurely balding men in sweatpants sitting in their mother’s basement. But, yesterday, as Frank from Scarface would’ve said about starting Strasburg in Coors, HAZA!
Travis Snider – Was signed to a minor league deal by the Pirates. Snider should just make one jersey that is the Orioles on the front and Pirates on the back.
J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Wow, that’s amazing– Oh, that’s his ERA on the Pirates thru three starts. Thanks, box score! Yeah, he’s a 4.42 ERA pitcher.
Josh Hamilton – Might need a DL stint. I need a reminder why I care.
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. Also, in this game, Mike Napoli (2-for-2) hit his 14th homer. Surprised the Rangers don’t trade for LaRoche. He’s about the only middling white guy/1st base/DH missing.
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. After every homer, his sisters exclaim, “He’s the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B!”
Derek Holland – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as he returned from the DL. I don’t like him. I swear it’s not because his mustache is an affront to all mustachioed men. Hey, any mustache is better than no mustache, right? Well, yes and no, but we’ll save that for my The Hirsute Male article. Holland is an iffy 6 to 7 K/9 starter with a ~3.50 ERA. Damn, there’s another mustache! I’d stream on occasion, but I wouldn’t expect much.
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. So, you’re saying he didn’t retire? Okay, if you say so.
James Paxton – Nears a rehab assignment. He got within two blocks and then his wife started screaming, “You’re going the wrong way!” He wasn’t.
