Yesterday, Francisco Liriano went 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 13 Ks with zero walks. Insert the madman cackle of Francisco Liriano’s owners who owned him up until last night when he had a 5.11 ERA. He had 13 Ks without a walk! This came from a guy who had a 5.7 BB/9 coming into the game. That’s not bad. No, no. You think that’s bad? You should swipe right on Tinder the next time you come across a thesaurus if bad’s all you got. That’s effin’ egregious. That’s the 1980’s Lower East Side before Donald Trump fixed the entire New York City as narrated by Jon Voight. That’s the worst walk rate since Todd Van Poppel’s walk rate of 6.87 in 1994. Since 1980, there’s only been walk rates of 5.7 or worse four other times. In 36 years! Jesus, 36 years? I’m getting old. This start came against the Brewers who have struck out more than any other team in the major leagues. So, nice start, but I wouldn’t go near him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Tyler Glasnow – Expected to start on Saturday. Well, by anyone who can put two and two together. Pirates have TBD listed as Saturday’s starter and Kuhl is listed as Saturday’s Triple-A starter. Mean’s while, Clint Hurdle is picking fish out of the water tank at a Chinese restaurant. Little does he know, he’s in the bathroom and that’s not a fish tank. “Hey, this fish has corn in it. Cool.”
Matt Joyce – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .277. I won’t point out how you would’ve been better off owning Joyce and Adam Lind and platooning them instead of Jose Abreu. That would be cruel. Salt in the wounds.
Jonathan Villar – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .301. Well, he’s sure cooled off. Or has he?! Damn, reversal question you had me there. Or did I?! Villar has a .315 average with 8 steals in July, which is better than June, so, no, he’s not cooling off.
Justin Turner – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homers. This Justin…Turner is hot! Hmm, needs work. Oh, I know, Turner is Justin the zone! Kinda meh. What about, Justin Turner’s Rebellion against pitchers! Hmm, not sure it’s there yet. What about, Justin Turner isn’t Ike, but he can still slap a pitch! These are going to a strange place now. How about, Justin Turner of a page in a book-burning party because he’s so hot! That has a certain ring to it. Makes me want to torch a classic. So, obviously Turner is hot, been hot, should’ve been owned, why isn’t he owned? That’s a question for you not to answer, but to think over when you judge yourself in the mirror. Since June 1st, Turner has 12 homers and is hitting .293. Yes, grab him if he’s available.
Julio Urias – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.69. I wonder if Dave Roberts is wearing plain-old mittens or Freezy Freakies for the kid gloves he has on with Urias.
Ryan Zimmerman – Set for rehab games. Uh-oh, Rudy’s top home run hitter should be back soon!
Trea Turner – 1-for-5, 1 run and his 3rd steal, as he hit leadoff. He’s now played in four straight games. Trea Turner’s played with sheer perfection by Angela Bassett! Okay, I used all my Turner gambits with Justin. Trea Turner will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s also here now. Weird!
Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Cause we like talking sexy to each other. Betts is on pace for 30/28. As Rachel Ray would say, yummo!
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Member when he was just a punchline about a guy who took a bunch of walks in his first game? JBJ flipped the script. In fact, he also smacked it up, flipped it and rubbed it down. JBJ is the best BJ since BJ went to Melvin, which makes me think, has anyone named Melvin ever gotten a BJ?
Dustin Pedroia – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .304. Wonder if Pedroia is annoyed that Altuve has grabbed the Sparky Anklebiter chalice, which is just a thimble that looks big in their hands.
David Ortiz – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 24th homer. You know what would be awesome — and something that managers don’t do enough — an opposing manager asking to inspect Ortiz’s bat for rubber balls in the barrel. If I were a manager, I’d do that nonsense once a game. Hit a home run, and you’re gonna have to take a urine test and have your bat confiscated.
Tim Beckham – 2,-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. I wrote off his 5-for-5 on Wednesday as a product of Coors, but now I’m beginning to think Beckham is just a hot schmotato. Could be worth a quick trip to the waiver wire.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. I have it on good authority that Dickerson breathed in real deep when he was in Coors on Wednesday, then didn’t exhale until Thursday when he swung the bat.
Jake Smolinski – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Is it me or does everyone have someone they went to high school with named Smolinski? Meh, maybe it’s me.
Matt Holliday – Took a 95 MPH fastball off his face, but it’s being reported he walked away with only facial abrasion on his upper lip area. Sounds like when Cougs gets too much of the mustache.
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. He didn’t even start the game, coming in as a pinch hitter. So, when he hit the home run, I was like, “He came into the game?” Grey didn’t know! Grey didn’t know!
Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Wainwright’s ERA on the year will be above or below 3.90? I’m gonna go above.
Andrew Cashner – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.79. Something teams can’t see from Cashner’s near-Quality Start is he also likes long walks on the beach and giving back to the community. He would be a valued asset to any other team. This message was brought to you by Mr. Cashner’s agent, Scott Boras.
Yangervis Solarte – 3-for-4 and his 10th homer. He’s one of the hottest schmotatoes, but I get the sense no one wants to own him, so I didn’t even bother putting him in today’s Buy column. If you want a hot bat, I would own Solarte.
Ryan Schimpf – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st steal. That’s to go along with his seven homers this month. I didn’t know he had speed too. Look at Schimpf scampi!
Jerad Eickhoff – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.98. “Giancarlo’s out of the lineup, this is a great opportunity to start Eickhoff, yadda3, I’m gonna be on the new DraftKings commercial right after they file for bankruptcy for having too many commercials last year. Yay!” That’s your average DFS player.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd this week. Damn, he’s really done well since his sex tape scandal. Next, he should blow up Taylor Swift’s spot.
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-3, 2 runs and third time I’m mentioning this week. Want more? He’s in Coors for the next few days.
Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer. I thought he was getting traded. What happened with that? Ken Rosenthal, Jon Heyman and Buster Olney just sit around a card table shuffling out trade rumors like they’re Cards Against Humanity, and once in a while they’re right.
Chris Tillman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the born-in-1927 Yankees. Too bad ‘Loosey’ McGoosehead didn’t get into the game for the Yanks. You know, McGoosehead. He was the guy Babe Ruth accidentally handed to Fatty Arbuckle before handing him a Coke bottle. So, Tillman has a 3.18 ERA, and should’ve likely been owned since April, but there’s still time if he’s available anywhere, which he shouldn’t be.
James Shields – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.99. If you’re sitting there, or standing, I don’t discriminate, and are thinking, “Grey, you’re super handsome, but saying Shields has a 4.99 ERA on the season isn’t telling the whole story, is it? Hasn’t he been better recently? Five Quality Starts in a row?” Yes, but you’re arguing to try and pick up a guy with a 4.99 ERA. That’s the best you can do? Competitive league, apparently.
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-4 and his 20th homer. He’s the greatest Jewish slugger since Hank Greenberg! Who you will find on page three of four of the Jewish Athlete pamphlet.
J.D. Martinez – Ready for batting practice, though he got in the cage, and someone forget to get a roll of quarters. Ma!!!
Dexter Fowler – Will join the Cubs some time this weekend. Such a detailed timetable. Fowler is like that girl that says, “Yeah, we can get together at some point, let me get back to you.” Fowler is such a chick. Hey!