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“Hey, yo, long-time listener, first-time caller, this is Jimmy from Dyker Heights. The Mets, guy, are killin’ me with the freakin’ James McCann, guy. I said to my ma, “Ma, what are the Mets doing, guy, they’re throwing away everything they’ve built this year to have this stunod behind the plate. Why don’t they try callin’ up what’s-his-face Francisco Alvarez. He’s the future, right, guy? The right guy, guy? You know what I’m sayin’ here, guy. Jesus effin Christ, ma, lower your freaking Dean Martin, I’m on the phone with WFAN! I read on Razzball dot com this Prospect Itch guy said a few months ago, and I quote, ‘A rare backstop in that Francisco Alvarez features plus athleticism and foot-speed, Alvarez stands alone atop minor league catcher mountain after Adley Rutschman joined the Orioles. Alvarez generates easy loft from a strong natural uppercut. After demolishing A ball for 15 games, Alvarez got the quick bump to A+ and struggled a bit before surging to finish with 22 HR and 6 SB in 84 games. That’ll play. His 12/24.6 BB/K rate ain’t too shabby either, especially considering he was 3.9 years younger than his average competitor.’ Badda bing badda boom, call this guy up, guy!” So, Jimmy from Dyker Heights got his wish, and Itch’s words speak to the excitement we should have for Francisco Alvarez next year. For this year? Well, if you wanna try to catch lightning in a bottle by all means, guy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Manning – Hit the IL with a forearm strain. Cool, should put him on the timetable: “I’m fine, ready to go!” in February; small setback in March, but nothing major; going to start the year on the IL in April, but will be fine for first time through the rotation; doctors are calling for surgery in May, but he thinks he can rehab, then no word from him from June through August, then Tommy John surgery in September of next year.

Kerry Carpenter – Hit the IL with a lumbar strain. Must’ve got it from lugging around that stupid tool belt.

Javier Baez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .241. There’s certain guys who become so bad over the course of a season that we (you) forget how high they were drafted in the preseason. Javier Baez’s ADP was 59 overall! Just in front of Randy Arozarena, Edwin Diaz, Nolan Arenado and Max Fried. Hearing those names after Baez is like saying, “I know how you feel,” to Keibert Ruiz.

Willi Castro – 2-for-2 and his 8th homer, but the season ends for him as he pulled his hamstring. Reese McGuire would’ve pulled it for him.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Not the prettiest start, but at least he didn’t leave the team for three months without telling anyone where he was going like Jules walking the earth. Oh, wait, he did do that too. Streamonator loves his final start of the year, and I agree since the Mariners will likely be in coast mode by then.

Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-3, 2 runs as he returned from the paternity list, after missing two weeks. Was he the one that gave birth? How was he walking in yesterday’s game? Bowlegged?

Javier Assad – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.62. This was an evenly matched series finale, Assad vs. the Phils, who are ass.

Ranger Suarez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.37. My guess is the Phils will need to go to the final game of the season (unless they’re blown out of the water this weekend), so the Streamonator doesn’t love Suarez’s final start, but I could see it.

Shohei Ohtani – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.35, 2-for-4, 1 RBI. He only threw four fastballs through the first seven no-hit innings. One more in the next inning when he lost the no-hitter. Hope nothing’s wrong. He only kinda looked like a super-human sent to us from another planet where they’re growing super-humans. Like only 99.9% super-human. Geez, what a shame!

Taylor Ward – 3-for-3 and his 23rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and fifth homer in eight games. So, if people gave up on Taylor Ward, now is the time to quickly go back in. Much like Seiya Suzuki it seems, he only plays in April and September. April/September player sounds like a May/December romance. Aw, Taylor Ward is Jerry Seinfeld dating a high schooler.

Luis Rengifo – 2-for-5 and his 16th homer. Look at the top of the Angels’ lineup of Rengifo, Trout, Shohei and Ward and you can see the makings of something, then look at five thru nine and see Confess, Fletch. Not David Fletcher, but the awful movie Cougs just made me watch.

Mitch Haniger – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. Mitch previously killed my vibe, but Mitch is trying to restore said vibe that he killed. Also, if you can read my shirt, then the Mitch that fell off for most of this season has climbed back on. Mitch, how about you stay on so no one can read my shirt? Thanking you in advance. Mitch might be hot, after a blizzardy summer.

Jarred Kelenic – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. While the game was still going, and when Kelenic was still 1-for-2, I wrote “1-for-4” next to his name just assuming how his final two at-bats would go. Is that good?

Jon Gray – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.93. Think of Batman’s villain Two Face, now instead of his two faces, think of my face and Gray’s face but Gray’s is all contorted and evil.

Marcus Semien – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 25th and 26th homer. Fun fact! Marcus Semien is what I called the towel I hid under my bed in high school that my mom found and I said it was dried paste. Then I had to do a pretend diorama for cover. That shizz was traumatic. Never leaves you.

Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-6 and his 26th homer. Didja you know Lowe is the first guy to go from Nathan to Nathaniel since the 1700s? I’m full of fun trivia.

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 26th homer. He has a legit shot at being in the top ten overall on the Player Rater. That was meant to blow your mind.

Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.88. Feel like I’m going to be able to draft Rodon again next year, without paying any sorta premium, even though he’s a top 10 starter this year.

Ford Proctor – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, a grand slam. Ford Proctor sounds like some made-up name a mechanic gives himself. “No, no, no, I’m not a mechanic. Call me a Ford Proctor.”

Eric Lauer – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.83. Oh, yeah, the Phils aren’t the only awful playoff-contending team. The Brewers epically blew this game by bringing in Freddy Peralta (1 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.77) who has one good shoulder, and it’s not the one he pitches with.

Bo NaylorGuardians’ top catching prospect could be called up this weekend. When the Tigers had two Castros, I said nothing, because I am not a Castro. Then every team got a Luis Garcia, and I said nothing, because I am not a Luis Garcia. Now there’s two Naylors on Cleveland and I’m so confused. We need new names!

Cal Quantrill – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.42 vs. Jeffrey Springs – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Jeff v. Cal, Springs v. Quantrill, Rays v. Guards, Streamonator v. Streamonator. Sorry, I was watching a commercial for UFC and got in the spirit.

Lucas Giolito – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.00. Gotta say Giolito’s been very consistent this year. Consistently awful! Gonna be soon the White Sox aren’t gonna be able to use the Tony La Russa excuse much more. *finger to earphone* Wait, I’m hearing Tony La Russa sent Giolito a pregame Cameo wishing him good luck. Tony!

Louie Varland – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.71. Fun fact! Varland is where an Irishman says a place is when it’s not nearby.

Nathan Eovaldi – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.05 as he was activated from the IL. Good to see him put the worries of his shoulder inflammation behind him. Sure, okay, right. Ow! Eye roll headache!

Trevor Story – Not expected to return this season. Backdate that to July.

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Just Donotdraft making a strong push to make something of his season. If he can hit 16 more homers in the final six games, I could see getting back in on him next year.

Kyle Stowers – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Ha, Michael Stipe once again proven to not know the first thing about fantasy baseball. “… Six o’clock, T.V. hour, don’t get caught holding Kyle Stowers…” Yeah, my ass!