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Pirates organization should be on an episode of Botched. Are they the worst organization or what? Hint: The answer is not ‘or what.’ Let’s do a brief recap of what a giant POS team this is. Pirates’ closer, Felipe Vazquez, decided to try to bite off Kyle Crick’s finger last week. A giant piece of garbage move? Well, gee, Wally, I don’t know, it seems like that’s not a nice thing to do. The Pirates are dead-last in the NL Central, as they’re wont to be, so suspend the giant festering wound that is Vazquez, right? Gosh, Ms. Molly, that seems obvious. Well, no, of course not. The Pirates are trying to avoid losing 95 games and only lose 94 games instead, so the Pirates made the chickenshizz move to stick with Vazquez. This is, after all, the club that didn’t want to trade Felipe Vazquez for prospects at the trade deadline. Finishing in last with 94 wins instead of 95 must mean a lot to them. Now, the jagoff that is Vazquez is arrested for being the worst type of human and looks like he’ll never pitch again. No wonder Felipe Vazquez changed his name last year, he’s a giant pedophile creep! You did good, Pirates! Maybe to go with your pitch-to-contact pitching coach, your clueless manager and your maybe-we-can-lose-only-94-games team, you can find another awesome trade like sending Austin Meadows and Tyler Glasnow for Chris Archer. Any hoo! I’d guess Keone Kela or Richard Rodriguez is the closer for the final week-plus, in that order. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mitch Keller – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 7.74 vs. Marco Gonzales – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.14. The Mariners vs. the Pirates *breathes in deeply* late-September baseball at its finest. A pitch, a strike, a Pirates team giving away free fries atop every sandwich to the first 750 paying customers and not having 750 people show up…This, friends, is baseball. Either way, Streamonator loves Marco’s next start as he gets the Orioles.
Domingo Santana – 0-for-1 as he was activated from the IL. Domingo’s got some Gamelitis in his blood, and has prolly been Pipp’d by Kyle Lewis.
Austin Nola – 3-for-4 and his 10th homer. This will burn open wounds, so be careful with what you’re about to read. On the 30-day Player Rater for hitters, Austin Nola has been way more valuable than Aaron Nola on the 30-day Player Rater for pitchers.
Omar Narvaez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. You don’t own him because he’s not hitting for a high average, right? Say that’s the reason. Say it! Well, I baited you, snitches! He’s hitting .284.
Jason Kipnis – Out for the year with a fractured hamate bone. Somewhere, Matt Olson’s like, “Damn, what a lucky break.”
Adam Plutko – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.34. Streamonator loved this start, and thinks Plutko isn’t “taking a poo while KO’ing someone” as it sounds, but is a decent next start. By the way, Rudy’s aware the Streamonator’s starts are all over the map. It’s because the company supplying probable pitchers is struggling to keep up with late-minute changes. In the last few days, I’ve seen numerous teams switch their day-of starters. It’s the time of year, but Rudy’s doing his best to stay on top of it.
Oscar Mercado – 2-for-5, 2 runs hitting near-.500 in the last week with two homers in the last three games. Someone’s shopping at the hot schmotato Mercado!
Willson Contreras – 0-for-4 as he started at 1B. Since he hadn’t started at 1st base this year, he had to borrow Ian Happ’s glove. Finally, Ian Happ comes in handy!
Craig Kimbrel – Threw 16 pitches yesterday after saying he’d only throw 12-14. If streamers didn’t fall from your ceiling, you didn’t rig them correctly.
Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 4.02. I don’t want to rain on the “2nd half Darvish” parade, because I love a parade as much as Ethel Merman, but are we at all worried Darvish can look as bad in the 1st half next year as he did this year? If it went sideways once, why can’t it go sideways again?
Aristides Aquino – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .261. Our Everything Man has cooled off dramatically in September, but he looks at the Cubs like Gleyber looks at the Orioles.
Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 48th homer. Albombso!
Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Yeah, of Coors.
Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.21. Or just, ya know, Coors correct.
Caleb Smith – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.24 vs. Alex Young – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.27. I didn’t trust Smith at all, and don’t anymore for this year, but I did stream Alex Young and it was like one of these: *covers eyes* Tell me when it’s over.
Miguel Rojas – 4-for-6, 6 RBIs, and he did it without a home run. Chew on that, and it’ll make you kiss a little longer, stay close a little longer, hold tight a little longer — longer with Mike Red.
Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Scherzer’s thrown 30 1/3 IP in the 2nd half, and he will go about thirty spots before Corbin in drafts. If not more. Love me some Corbin.
Howie Kendrick – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer, hitting .341. Everyone hits in the Nats’ lineup. Except, ya know, Ryan Zimmerman.
Luis Severino – 4 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was activated from the IL. Not to literally add insult to injury, but I’m not sure you got value on your Severino draft pick when you were like, “Wow, I know he’s injured, but I’ll still draft him around 100 overall.” For what it’s Werth, Severino sold me on his 2020 draft price with four innings of work. Just get out of 2019 without another injury.
Gleyber Torres – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 38th homer, hitting .285. All things being equal and the Yankees face the Orioles 47 times again next year, how does Gleyber fall past pick 30 in 2020 drafts?
Randal Grichuk – 1-for-5 and his 29th homer, hitting .234, now three homers in two games, and four homers in four games and Grichuk is carrying H2H teams or he’s facing the Orioles’ pitching so it only slightly counts? Nah, it fully counts; go to sleep, you caveat emptor’ers.
Cavan Biggio – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (14) and double legs (12, 13), while hitting for the cycle. Biggio’s going to be a poor man’s Tatis next year. I will call him, Cavan Funbaggio.
Trey Mancini – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 34th homer, hitting .280. Mancini is going to be one of only two Orioles drafted next year, unless they make some big offseason signings–*bursts out laughing* Sorry, couldn’t even say it with a straight face.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer, hitting .277. Here’s the other Orioles player who will be drafted unless the O’s trade for–*bursts out laughing* Sorry, sorry.
Chris Paddack – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.33, and shut down for the year. I guess next year is gonna be a bit of a trust fall that he can handle all of these innings.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-3 and his 35th homer, hitting .262. Moistasskiss!
Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer. Before yesterday’s game, Lorenzo Cain sits in his hotel room, watching ESPN. A ticker across the bottom reads, “Home runs are at historic levels.” Cain thinks to himself, “I wonder why everyone is running home–Wait a minute!”
Brandon Woodruff – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.69, as he was activated from the IL. No love for him this year anymore, due to innings limit, but my excitement has yet to reach its zenith for Woodruff. If you’re afraid of my high-flying enthusiasm, well, I’m peakin’, duck.
Adam Engel – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, and third homer in the last five games. Could be a super light hitting schmotato, and/or be working on trying to get Rotowear to do a Launch Engel t-shirt.
Zack Collins – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .131. Zack Collins got written all over him: Guy you draft around 500 next year and wish you waited until 750.
Tim Anderson – 4-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .336. Tim Anderson hitting 17 homers and .336 with little to no pub. Welcome to 2019 baseball.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 30th homer. He’s having a top 10 power year when you consider how much time he missed. *NBC graphic zooms through the night sky* The more you Sano.
Blake Snell – 2 IP, 0 ER, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.19. See what the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) said about Woodruff and Severino. Maybe you’ll get a few innings from Snell, but even if this were the playoffs, I doubt he’d be going six innings yet (unless he managed it on 60 or fewer pitches).
Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-7, 2 runs and his 20th homer, hitting .266. If you’re a white guy, aged 37-72, and you don’t love Yaz Jr. hitting a home run in Fenway, you’re not a real baseball fan. Oh, who am I kidding, white guys, aged 37-72, are the only ones that love baseball.
Brandon Belt – 1-for-6 and his 17th homer. Since speaking on Belt, what comes to mind is how we rag on Orioles’ pitching, but, in truth, Red Sox, Blue Jays, most of the Yankees starters…Really, besides the Rays’ pitching, the AL East’s pitching is bad.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .221. He’s the type to get hot for short spurts, which is not to say he could get as hot as Semien.
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer. I do believe in Hoskins still. No joke. I do. But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — his approach has become flawed this year.
Corey Dickerson – Hit the 60-day DL with a fractured foot. He had injured his foot earlier this month and it turned out to be a fracture, which somehow took a MLB team, which is worth roughly a billion dollars, a few weeks to figure out. Good luck at your general practitioner!
Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 35th homer. Matt Olson about to go to Spring Training next year and break his other hamate bone for good measure.
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.77. I can’t wait until next year when I draft Lynn for that cheap vet who is underappreciated, only to have it be J.A. Happ next year, who was supposed to be that this year.
Yuli Gurriel – 1-for-4 and his 29th homer. It’s gonna be hilarious to hear John Smoltz talk this postseason about how there’s too much offense. And by ‘hilarious’ I mean painful.
Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-3 and his 26th homer. Sometimes I just like to imagine I own Yordong and I don’t have to act like a tough guy. I’d have all I need. I have Yodong envy.
Carlos Correa – 0-for-4, 3 Ks, hitting .274, as he was activated from the IL. In what can only be considered a love letter, Correa wrote, “I hope to see you soon again, IL. You are the bosom where I rest my head.”
