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Corey Seager hit the DL about 15 minutes after weekly lineups locked for the massive Ziplock. “Yo, I got more Ziplocks than a 5th grade bully stealing lunches,” said the very un-woke fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!). Never bully, unless you’re like Cougs and you say, “Bully bully,” thinking it’s “Dilly dilly.” Don’t tell Cougs she’s out of touch! Then ten minutes later, in a cruel twist of fate, Seager told the world he needs Tommy John surgery that he should’ve had this offseason. Anyone who reads The Ball of Razz knows I hate Seager for fantasy, so I won’t rub salt in your wounds if you drafted him, but you did it without my consent, so I could retain the legal services of Gloria Allred and send you to jail. Replacing Seager will be some combo pu-pu platter of Utley, Forsythe, Taylor and Kike. Corey should be back next year to the City of Angels without missing a beat, unlike Corey’s Angels. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Robbie Ray – Hit the DL with an oblique and could miss four to six weeks. The way he was pitching, take a month, right yourself, come back in June, dance between the raindrops for three months and drive a curve up the naysayers’ fannies in September. That is literally what a pitching coach would say. Braden Shipley should replace Ray, and Shipley has a 6.26 ERA in Triple-A so insert Shruggy the Emoji.
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-5, and his 7th, 8th and 9th homer. Real question: who has more fantasy value this year, Goldy or Pollock? By the way, I think they have the humidor on blown instead of suck.
Nick Ahmed – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week with two homers. Hot schmotato alert!
Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.50, as he took on the tired, the weak, the Statue of Liberty doesn’t even want these Dodgers. Could’ve been worse though, obviously, he could’ve pitched poorly against a battered and bruised shizzshow.
Mookie Betts – Remained out of the starting lineup with hamstring tightness. “Mooo-kee, what are you doing, Mooo-kee? I need you to get on the field,” I said in the worst Rosie Perez impersonation.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.78. Still trying to get him on your team? No, that fad faded (almost stutterer!).
Mitch Moreland – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I was thisclose to making Moreland a batty call yesterday, but I’m left full of myself and blue balled.
Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .412. Within the 4,000 false narratives of the preseason, Bogaerts’ new swing narrative might actually be accurate.
Mike Moustakas – Left the game after taking one off his forearm. His x-rays came back clean. Sounds like he has the mom with the Windex from My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
Dan Straily – 4 IP, 4 ER as he was activated for his season debut. In the preseason, I said, “Straily had a 8.4 K/9, 3 BB/9 and 12.1% swinging strike rate and more than respectable 32.1% swings outside the zone (top 20 rates). I kinda get the sense there’s gonna be one bright spot on the Marlins this year, and it’s gonna be Straily. Well, besides, Jeter’s shiny, expanding forehead.” And that’s me quoting me! This was obviously just one start, and not a great one.
Jerad Eickhoff – Will throw live batting practice on Tuesday. Great, he should be in shape by July to throw in the Home Run Derby.
Jorge Alfaro – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .213. I Ron Popeil’d Alfaro in one league with the “Set him and forget him,” and he’s doing better than my Iannetta Popeil.
Maikel Franco – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .266. Wonder if Maikel could rub Hoskins’ head, I need a little Rhysus is Rhysen.
Jake Arrieta – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.49. The Regression Fairies have said to themselves, “What would Olivia Pope do,” they have a yoga teacher named Todd, and they will destroy your ratios.
Rougned Odor – At least a week away. Funny, I can already smell that Odor stinking up my team.
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .243. In 800 plate appearances, Profar has 13 homers, 6 steals, hitting .229. The Rangers are batting him third. *throws computer out window, hears scream* Sorry! That was out of frustration!
Robinson Chirinos – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. CBS had Evan Gattis ranked in the top 20 overall.
Trevor Bauer – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.45. And I had Bauer ranked in the top 20 for starters. Still a skeptic?
Carlos Gonzalez – Was activated from the DL, but not inserted into the lineup. Woohoo, David Dah–Didn’t start either. Oh, screw you, Rockies.
DJ LeMahieu – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain. Isn’t the first DJ to get hurt, and won’t be the last. In fact, every DJ billboard I see looks like an in memoriam.
Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (8), hitting .290. Damn, I didn’t realize Cain…Sugar! was having such a great first month. Surprised to see him as low as he is on the Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, and can’t believe I dropped Matt Davidson, after seeing how high he is.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 1st steal. Hopefully, this is a sign his oblique is finally feeling better since he was able to steal a base, though Tucker Barnhart, showed where he was raised, and left the door open for five steals.
Josh Hader – 2 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks, and the save. How’s that Hader-ade tasting now? Delicious!
Jake Faria – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.60 vs. Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.81. A pitchers duel between Easy-to-Roc-A-Fella, J. Z. and Ye-easy away from Bay. Zimmermann’s garbage, but I’ll be cyclops’ing Faria.
C.J. Cron – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .269. Think about how obvious it was that Cron would break out this year, and then think about how long The Sciosciapath kept him on the bench. And he’s the longest tenured MLB manager!
Shane Greene – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.73. You get one chance a week for a save, and it’s a three-run lead! Sorry, Benjamins, Greene’s so not money. I grabbed Joe Jimenez, but it feels like a move I regret almost immediately. The whole Tigers’ womb is polluted!
Randal Grichuk – Hit the Disgraceful List with “The Sucks.” For him, there may not be a cure. Good on the Jays moving towards a younger, more exciting lineup. Their minor lea-Guerrs will be up in September, and they’re gonna have us doing the Acuña-Moncada Dance in March of 2019.
Aaron Sanchez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.06. His peripherals aren’t very appetizing. He’s being filthy, but more in the mode of a Dirty Sanchez. A 6 K/9, 4.3 BB/9 and 5.13 xFIP is waiver fodder in most leagues.
Justin Smoak – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. C’mon, Smoak, get hot! Hey, I’m a pyro.
Eduardo Escobar – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Has a 7-game hitting streak with two homers, and that’s your hot schmotato alert!
Miguel Sano – Missed his third straight game with hamstring tightness. Not saying this is the case, but maybe his hamstring is tight because he has a lot of fat pressing against it?
Fernando Romero – Will make his season debut on Wednesday for the Twins. Should make for some interesting double takes in the clubhouse, “I love this kid’s stuff, this Fernando Ro–Not you Rodney, turn around,” or, “I can’t believe how awful Fernando Ro–Not you Romero. You’ve done nothing wrong,” or, “I wanna be called ‘Fern-Ro,’ so it sounds like Bob Uecker’s Miller Lite commercial.” Prospector Ralph said, “Blessed with two plus pitches in his upper 90’s fastball, and a high 80’s slide piece with some serious tilt. Romero has always struck me as a future reliever. He has difficulty repeating his mechanics consistently which has led to some problems with control. His changeup isn’t fringe, but it’s not effective against lefties which should really be it’s main purpose. I foresee an elite back of the bullpen arm, getting swings and misses and lots of grounders with his heavy sinking fastball. He’s on the 40 man, so it would not surprise me if we saw some Romero this season. Also, Grey looks like a mustachioed turd.” C’mon! PR’s right about the command, and I wouldn’t touch Romero outside of AL-Only leagues for now, though he is the kind of guy that impresses at first, then is lambasted.
Charlie Morton – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.72. He made the Yankees look like a bunch of scrubs. And, no, I don’t want no scrubs. Get away from me, Zach Braff.
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.67. Watched this whole start, and there was nothing impressive about it (outside of Morton). Gray looked good for about two innings, and, in one of those innings, he loaded the bases with one out. I’m not dropping him, but I’m also not starting him with any confidence.
Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.27. Why do I get the feeling we’re going to get to August and Samardzija’s gonna say something like, “I’ve been hurt all year.”
Manuel Margot – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he hit 7th. I’m not saying he’s tearing up the league, but the Padres really need to bat Travis Jankowski leadoff? They gave Renfroe no adjustment time; they’ve abandoned Margot; I’m seriously worried the Padres won’t know what to do with Tatis. Then again…
Franchy Cordero – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 3rd steal, because Franchy is Franch for fantasy.
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4, hitting .313, and hit his 2nd homer, and 2nd in the last five games. Been pretty yawnstipating so far, but he might finally be picking up the power pace, and stopping with those pesky singles.
Sean Rodriguez – 0-for-3 as he hit 3rd. Look at Sean Rodriguez getting the Jim Leyland Memorial Lineup Spot! He’s filling in for Marte, so, of course, Sean-Rod should bat third. Don’t dirty the lineup cards!
Nick Kingham – Pirates announced he’d stay in the rotation. All you heard was Steven Brault don’t do it no more. Kingham the door, waving the 5×5 value more!
Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.83. Solid bounce back in a less-than-ideal matchup in Washington. He takes the ball next time wherever he goes.
Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.55, WHIP at 1.03. Remotely safe starters seem to be in short supply, and Mr. Roark is on a fantasy island to himself.
Anthony Rendon – Will begin playing rehab games. Don’t play “Guess That Person’s Full Name” it’s supposed to be anonymous.
