We used to have a glossary term for when one of your hitters hits a home run off one of your pitchers: “f***ing your stepsister.” We removed it I believe because it was too vulgar, but we have a shirt in our Razzball store that reads, “Fantasy Baseball: Something To Do Between Masturbation Sessions,” so too vulgar feels like it left the station a while ago. Any hoo! I don’t have a stepsister, but yesterday we were grinding, baby! After dinner, I was like, “Excuse me, my much older cougar wife,” as I dabbed my face with a wet nap, “I need to check to see how Carlos Martinez is doing. What’s that? He sucks? Sure, Cougs, but someone’s gotta suck in this marriage and it ain’t me or you.” Haha, we laughed, then I added, “How bad could he possibly suck?” That was when my world began to crumble, while also putting the moves on my nonexistent stepsister, because Cody Bellinger (2-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 1st homer) knocked in 6 runs in the 1st inning before I could put my teeth back in my mouth. I knocked them out when I saw Carlos Martinez’s line (2/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 5.83). Well, I’m glad Cody Bellinger is back and producing, I only wish it didn’t involve step-siblings. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer. Au Shizz!
Dylan Carlson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and his 6th homer, hitting .279. Carlson is suddenly hot again. It’s like he’s on some kind of 28-day cycle–Wait a minute, is this a pheromone thing?
Mitch Garver – Underwent surgery on his groin, and it will be a while before he’s back on the field, and even longer before he can hear an ump scream, “Play ball!” Mitch Nation’s flag is at half-mast, which puts it right by…*slowly crosses legs*…Never mind. This should open up more at-bats for Astudillo and, more importantly, Ryan Jeffers (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer), but the Twins also seem like they want to start Ben Rortvedt, whose surname was undoubtedly spelled wrong generations ago and never corrected. He’s also a terrible hitter.
Gilberto Celestino – 0-for-2 as he was called up to replace Refsnyder, who hit the concussion IL. Twins now have Celestino and Garlick in the same outfield. Yo, is this a baseball team or are they starting a frozen pizza business? Celestino brings a little bit of power and some speed, but was hitting .250 in Double-A with a .328 BABIP, so, well, yeah. Good luck with the french bread pizza.
DJ Stewart – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 3rd homer in the last ten or so days. I’m guessing, because he was a hot schmotato last week with at least a couple homers, and he just added one. A couple plus one is three.
Ryan Mountcastle – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .238. Him and Bohm have been so weird this year. No power is understandable, but even with the deflated baseball, both should be hitting for a better average.
Jordan Montgomery – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER (2 unearned), 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.92. No lie, a statistician said this line by Jordan Montgomery is the 1st of its kind through over 1.1 million baseball games. Really something to tell the grandkids.
Shane McClanahan – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.11. I have to pee, would you mind watching my Pepsi, Man With A Machete? Thanks! *five hours later* Whoa, how long was I asleep? Hey, are your earrings…my nipples? AHHHHH!!!! Roofie!!!
Josh Fuentes – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 5th homer. Been pretty respectable for deep leagues, and pretty whatever for shallower leagues, but he might be heating up.
James McCann – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .233. Took McCann a long time to get going, but now he is, hitting over-.400 in the last week with two homers. If you can, put your hands on McCann.
Dominic Smith – 3-for-4, hitting .264. For what it’s Cronenworth, I wrote a schmohawk post for Dom Smith in the preseason, and already took that dubya. Still, I picked him up off waivers yesterday, because he’s been hot. Hey, I said not to draft him because he was going too high. I never said I wouldn’t take him for free.
David Peterson – 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.89. “Alexa, what kind of line will it take to get Peterson dumped from the rotation?” *sees Peterson line* “Wow, these home assistants are great.” *doorbell* “Hello…No, I don’t think I ordered a new life insurance policy with everything willed to my Alexa.” *Alexa beeps* “I guess she did.”
Madison Bumgarner – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.73. From Mad-Bum to Bad Bum, One Man’s Story of How His Fantasy Team’s Ratios were Ruined. Bumgarner’s now experiencing shoulder discomfort, so that’s it for him. If you’re still holding Bum, you must be on crack.
Ketel Marte – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I’m drunk on Ketel and it’s glorious.
Tommy Pham – Collided with Ha-Seong Kim, then coming off the field Pham got heated at what appeared to be the 3rd base coach. He must’ve thought he sent the runner after him. Honestly, don’t know what’s up with Pham. Save that aggression for the parking lot of the Spearmint Rhino. Kim looked like he took the worse of the collision, but avoided a concussion. Pham seemed fine, outside of challenging some apparently innocent dude to a duel, but is headed for CT scans, just to make sure.
Javier Baez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .255. Imagine worrying about walks when a guy is doing what he’s doing.
Adbert Alzolay – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.62. Since we get so many questions about him, even after Coolwhip wrote up a 2000-word post giving you his Adbert Alzolay fantasy weeks ago, I will be as clear as possible. He has a 9.6 K/9, 1.8 BB/9. If that holds with neutral luck, he’s at worst a fantasy three, and closer to a two.
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Moreland never hits a home run without hitting another in the next three games. It’s in the Constitution.
Sean Manaea – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.36. First question: Are the Mariners playing? Answer is yes, then the 2nd question always: Is the opposing pitcher throwing a complete game shutout, no-hitter or a perfect game?
Justin Dunn – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. Justin’s Dunn.
Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.64. Can I get a pint of that Predator blood? Asking for the 12 guys I have on my fantasy team’s IL.
Stephen Strasburg – Hit the IL with a neck strain. Oh, eff off with that. He was rubbing his arm, as he was throwing an 89 MPH ‘fast’ball. Sure it’s his neck. Right, I bet. He throws with his neck now? C’mon.
Juan Soto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. *delicately working on a nativity scene* Cougs, “What are you doing with that nativity scene? Christmas isn’t for almost seven months and you’re kinda Jewish.” I shush my wife as I put Juan Soto’s face on baby Jesus, “It’s for good luck! And it’s working!”
Cristian Pache – Was activated and optioned to the minors, where he will work on being less overmatched. Over-Pached? Hmm, will work on it.
Dansby Swanson – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .239. Swanson’s been about as stale as, well, Swanson’s, but I still firmly believe, so maybe buy low.
Alek Manoah – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.86. Rookie pitchers remind me of the old joke. A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says, “Hey doc, my brother’s crazy! He thinks he’s a chicken.” Then the doc says, “Why don’t you commit him?” Then the guy says, “I would but I need the eggs.” That’s why I have grab rookie pitchers. I need the eggs. By the way, I like how most pitchers get a split screen with their catcher, or the hitter or the guy on 1st base. Alek Manoah gets a split screen with his mom.
Jazz Chisholm – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .272. Since I watched this game, because, well, Alek, dur, I will say Chisholm’s bat is electric or that Toronto park is so goofy small. Thinking it’s the latter, because Buffaloronto Park plays like a major league park where they brought in the fences 200 feet for the Rock ‘n Jock All-Stars.
Jesus Aguilar – 1-for-5 and his 10th homer, hitting .253. If Meatloaf can homer in the park, start anyone there.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4, and his 2nd homer, hitting .282. Corey Dickerson was visited in the middle of the night in February by a man wearing a Greek flag as a towel, who simply went by the name Markakis. He promised Dickerson 320-foot power, and disco fries. Dickerson got the easy fly ball out power, but is waiting on the fries.