Well, that sucked. It was extra sucky too because I had high hopes for Carlos Rodon‘s start vs. the lifeless Angels. Like eating Chinese food by yourself and accidentally getting two fortune cookies, then you open them and they both say the same thing, “The highlight of your night will be getting two fortune cookies with the same fortune.” Like going to the car wash and they give you a deal due to an impending rainstorm. Only it never rains, false alarm. But you did forget to put up your window. Like your parents reconcile their differences, just to yell at you. Rodon, it’s one thing to disappoint, but to raise expectations first? Oh man, you are one evil doode with a heart as cold as Clint Hurdle who has a serious attraction to Freese. Yesterday, Rodon went 1/3 IP, 5 ER with one strikeout. On the bright side, he upped his K-rate. “Don’t mock bright sides or I will burn you.” That’s the vengeful sun. Rodon had ten straight quality starts, and, unless he’s hurt, we should just treat this as an aberration. A sick, twisted aberration. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Hector Santiago – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.61. That Santiago is hot and sure ain’t Chile! Carmen Sandiego would appreciate that.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBIs. Somehow, the lifeless Angels actually scored runs yesterday and everyone that is owned besides Calhoun produced a ticker tease. I need an eggplant emoji to properly illustrate my frustration.
Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Since Andrelton is an alien and he plays for the Angels, it is science meeting ‘not science.’ Like Bill Nye debating Sarah Palin’s perception of Bill Nye.
C.J. Cron – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. Curtis Jackson Cron is hitting near a buck 50 Cent on the year, and can’t even make it rain with Monopoly money. Worth cyclops’ing in case he’s starting to finally break out.
Michael Saunders – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he hit leadoff. The Blue Jays manager, Gibbons, said that Saunders would be the leadoff man for the foreseeable future. I think Gibbons is hinting that he has psychic abilities. On the fo’reals, Saunders stays the leadoff hitter for how many days? Three? Maybe to Friday? Maybe Gibbons is waning and by the next full moon Kevin Pillar (3-for-3, 1 run) will be back in there.
Devon Travis – Took batting practice yesterday. Then he went for ice cream and won a SpongeBob playing skee-ball. Fun!
Drew Storen – 1 IP, 2 ER and his first save because Roberto Osuna has a blister on his middle finger. That’s the last time Osuna flips off a steaming pile of mashed potatoes!
J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.89. This is me about to say something nice about Happ; this is me pulling me away from saying something nice because I can’t continue to own/praise AL East pitchers; their matchups are awful; glad I got those semicolons for my birthday; they come in handy; oh no, that’s my last one, shucks.
Russell Martin – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. Lot of people are talking in the comments about dropping Martin already. This means a lot of you in the comments are not Alyssa Milano. Bummer.
Clay Buchholz – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Blue Jays. Even if I knew the outcome, I wouldn’t have started Buchholz in yesterday’s game. Okay, that’s prolly a lie, but I’m trying to justify my sitting him yesterday and starting him in his first two starts when his ERA was a combined 10.00. The Stream-o-Nator likes his next start a tad. By the way, there was a nice breakdown of how we have the best pitching projections. Well done, Stream-o-Nator, you big, awkward robot.
Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, but tagged a ton of runs (three) onto Uehara’s line. I was saying to Sky yesterday that Kimbrel doesn’t look the same as he once was, and Sky hit back with Kimbrel hasn’t been the same for about two years, and that’s more or less true. His walk rate has really jumped. Kimbrel, not Sky.
Jarrod Dyson – Ned Yost said they’re not putting a timetable on Dyson’s return. Dyson had a strained oblique, so in a vacuum that would be incest.
Ruben Tejada – Activated from the DL. Great, just what Matheny needs, options. Now, Aledmys Diaz (1-for-3) will see maybe three games a week as the everyday starter. Doctor, “Floss every day.” “Will do!” And Matheny flosses every third day.
Mike Leake – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.71. That was the first game that Leake looked like his usual yawnstipating, but safe starter. Don’t worry, he’ll look even better in his next start vs. the Padres. “Correction! Right ahead!”
John Lackey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. Cards. Like a little man in a boat, Lackey just looks at home in Busch.
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Any time he wants to give a little wink-wink-nudge-nudge to Bryant and Rizzo to get them started, it would be appreciated.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. C’mon, 47 more and you can wear my face as pants!
Jose Fernandez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks. Jo-Fer has been uncharacteristically wild so far this year (4.3 BB/9), and still flat-out dominant (14.6 K/9, 2.67 xFIP). At some point in the very near future, he’s going to start stringing together one-hitters like he’s stringing nuts in Tbilisi, Georgia.
Tanner Roark – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. This Tanner didn’t look so great in Miami, like an old Jew in Boca that goes by the nickname, The Golden Raisin.
Anthony DeSclafani – He said after his last throwing of BP that he feels good. He then fell into a split and Homer Bailey draped a cape over him.
Dan Straily – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.70 after he pitched decently in middle relief for the first two weeks. I put in a bid for him in my NL-Only league, nothing huge, couple of bucks, and was outbid. I like him there, in deep leagues, could be a low-4 ERA pitcher that bounces in and out of the rotation, animal-style.
DJ LeMahieu – Sat out yesterday with a tweaked groin. DJ went a little too hard on the ones and twos.
Trevor Story – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. Oh, it’ll slow down, I have no doubt. One thing I do think this highlights is just how poor some major league pitching is. Story hit this home run off The ‘Dorf being played by Tim Conway, who is surprisingly much younger than you think.
Ben Paulsen – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. He’s hitting .357 in the last week, and could be a light schmotato. By the way, his home run came off Jumbo Diaz. Between Diaz and Hoover, the Reds bullpen can’t stop giving up runs.
Jerad Eickhoff – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.89. His fans call themselves, Jer-khoffs, but you don’t even need to be that smart to see he’s having a great start to the season. Right now, he’s sporting a 10 K/9 with a 2.4 BB/9. Numbers he likely won’t keep up, but he can still be worthwhile. You don’t need to be a Jer-khoff to grab him.
Noah Syndergaard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Phils. Syndergaard’s ERA is at 0.90. Mean’s while, I have deGrom on multiple teams and checking news updates every fifteen minutes for his return. Lowercase yay.
David Wright – 2-for-5 and two solo homers (1, 2). The last time Wright hit two homers in a game Donald Trump’s foreign policy involved getting his wife to distract the maid while he ducked out of the room. Okay, it was only two years ago. Nice game for Wright, but I’d still put it at even odds he doesn’t get to ten homers on the year.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4. Yesterday, I said Asdrubal had hot schmotatoness seeping from his pores. Today, I say pour some schmotato on me!
Lucas Duda – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Oh, Duda day!
Neil Walker – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .229. Looks like he’s showing that vetard strength.
Welington Castillo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Where’s the boeuf?!
Archie Bradley – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. In 2011, Keith Law ranked him number 11 for all prospects. Ya know, just behind Bubba Starling, Jesus Montero, Domonic Brown and Danny Hultzen. Those guys way ahead of Mike Trout and Bryce Harper, but I mean Trout was only just about to debut in the majors. As for Bradley, he’s fine in NL-Only leagues, but I’d want to see more before mixing it up in, uh, mixed ones.
Jake Lamb – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run to tie it in the ninth. Wham, bam, thank you, Lamb!
Joe Panik – 1-for-6 and his 3rd homer. He has solid approach, Panik. He runs around, waving his hands, screaming, “Fire! Someone save my kitten!”
Angel Pagan – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .380. He’s hitting like Angel, and being treated like Pagan at the bottom of the order.
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-4. I talk about Arcia on the podcast that’s coming later today. Just wait! Or not. Your choice.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .190. Sano feels like the kind of guy that could hit ten homers in the next twelve games. He will likely hit under .200 in that time, but still.
Byung Ho Park – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .205. I watched him for the first time yesterday, and he reminds me of… Wait for it, here it comes…No, it won’t be an Asian player…It’s…Carlos Pena. Wrong side of the plate, but they look like similar players. All or nothing.
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and his 3rd steal, hitting .545 as he moved to the leadoff spot. Hot schmotato alert!
Glen Perkins – Was told by Dr. Timothy Kremchek to rest and rehab his shoulder. Dr. James Andrews said, “That’s why Dr. Tim is poor.”
Trevor Plouffe – Believed to be headed to the DL. There goes the hope you can put Trevor Plouffe on your team, hold a hand up to one eye and pretend you have Trevor Story.
Socrates Brito – Sent down to the minors. Now I no longer have to hear every Anglo announcer say his last name Burrito, and imagine every taco truck being driven by a man in a toga.
