Yesterday, Carlos Carrasco went 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.95. Whew. Luckily, Carrasco was in that tier of preseason pitchers I said not to draft. You still drafted him? But I said he was like a skunked can of La Croix bacon-avocado cheeseburger flavor. *scrunches nose* You didn’t pay attention? Aw geez. Why? Not to answer but to lower your head in shame. Since you didn’t pay attention the first time, let me say it once more so you can again ignore it, “For the first time in his career, Carrasco (Careerasco?) threw 200 IP last year. Not bad for a 25-year-old. Less so for Carrasco who is 31 years old. I know, I was surprised he was that old too. Not as surprised, as say, a cat jumping out of a closet. They should do a Cats revival on Broadway where the whole thing is cats jumping out of closets.” And that’s me quoting me! K/9 and velocity stabilizes fairly quickly and, well, his rates are kinda the dog’s breakfast. His velocity is down over a mile, and his Ks are down from 10.2 to a 8.1 K/9, and he has the highest xFIP in six years. If this doesn’t worry you, you might be slow on the uptake. You repeat 3rd grade? Do you think your password on all logins is *************? Do you eat Thai and say, ‘Now my stomach is in knots?’ We might have to get you a tutor. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Francisco Lindor – 5-for-12, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and two homers (6, 7), hitting .278. Live with me for a second. Why are you moving my sweatpants to another closet? Not speaking literally when I say live with me. Metaphorically! I ended up with Lindor/Giancarlo in three leagues, and I’m in 1st, and competitive in the other two. If these Jolly Rockets get their shizz together, to the moon! Photo proof:
Rajai Davis – 2-for-6 and his 6th steal. “Be careful you don’t get any stems in my face hole.” That’s Rajai, The King of SAGNOF, showing Bradley Zimmer how to feed him grapes.
Michael Brantley – 4-for-8, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .348. I have no love for Brantley, and BABIPs don’t lie, as Fantasy Shakira says, but Brantley’s doing all right.
Josh Donaldson – 4-for-11, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, as he was activated from the DL. To celebrate the occasion, he threw to first base like 50 Cent.
Yangervis Solarte – 8-for-10, 4 runs, 7 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .287. If you drafted Yangervis and Jed Lowrie, people mocked your team a month ago. Who’s having the last laugh?
Ronald Acuna – 3-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .382. If you haven’t watched his homer, you should. It was an absolute blast to the 2nd deck in Metco. Like a little Alfonso Soriano. Maybe a little Andruw Jones. Hey, this sounds like a baseball Mambo #5. “A little Soriano in his swing…A little Andruw in his thang…A lotta Acuña on my teams!”
Ozzie Albies – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .280. If Acuña is Soriano, Albies looks like Lindor. Not a dig at all, but he doesn’t have light tower power like Acuña — tilde break of dawn!
Nick Markakis – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .336. Sparkakis! He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I guess he could be there if he’s owned in less than 50% of leagues, the Buy cutoff. If jean cutoffs are jorts, then the Buy cutoffs must be borts.
Kurt Suzuki – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .304. On one team, Rudy has Cervelli and Suzuki. I’ll let you do the math, but let’s just say if you had Contreras and Posey, you would not be doing as well.
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.65. I told ya that Tahiniran can be as hot as Mike The Rooster Sauce or Spicymayohiro Tanaka! Because you’re likely wondering, Teheran’s perfs (that’s what the kids call them): 8.5 K/9, 4.4 BB/9, 4.64 xFIP, .267 BABIP, 36.7% GB rate, velocity down two miles to 89 MPH, do I have to continue, really, seriously, I’m asking ya, though I’m putting commas instead of question marks, c’mon.
Jacob deGrom – Mets are now reporting deGrom might make his next start. The Mets’ training staff is the physical manifestation of “Merely a flesh wound.”
Jason Vargas – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Then relieving him was Matt Harvey – 2 IP, 5 ER.
Jason Vargas and Matt Harvey in the Mets’ rotation: pic.twitter.com/JSiGqrGPf4
— Razzball (@Razzball) May 3, 2018
Kris Medlen – Will join Diamondbacks’ rotation on Friday to face the Astros. There’s a lot of pressure on Medlen as being one of the last remaining of the nearly extinct starters, the Flat-Billed Pitchypus. Be safe out there, Medlen, and don’t go too close to the northern zone of Correa.
Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.15, WHIP at 0.76. Fernando Salas messed up my Corbin win and for that reason Salas is no palindrome of mine.
Christian Walker – Sent down by the Diamondbacks. Now all the zombies in Arizona will be godless. Could Godley help?
Steven Souza – 0-for-4 as he returned from the DL. Yesterday was whatevs, but I have mucho amor for the sweet stylings of Souza. When I saw he returned from the DL, I went to pick him up in every league of mine. Even some leagues where I already owned him. Hey, I have a lot of leagues; you forget sometimes.
Paul Goldschmidt – 0-for-4, 1 run, hitting .245. Yo, did Paul Goldschmidt retire? He looks like Gold…Schmidt.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Out through the All-Star break with a groin strain. Why is Ryu’s groin injury sidelining him for a few months? Davie Roberts explained that Ryu’s groin muscle tore completely off his bone. This is what happens when you spend four hours before a game in the sauna. He braised his damn groin. The Dodgers subsequently fired their trainer, Tony Roma.
Austin Barnes – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .196. ‘Member in the preseason and your inner monologue was like, “I’m smarter than the entire world and Austin Barnes is an absolute steal. His name is Barnes, and not Barmes, right? I need to exclaim the right name to not embarrass myself.” The aloud, “BARMES! DAH!”
Trevor Williams – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.63. I figured Williams in WASH was gonna end up looking ridden and put away wet. All things considered, not a terrible start, I was still benching him everywhere, though. I mean, I like him, but I’m not crazy, even Stream-o-Nator wasn’t having it.
Zach Davies – Hit the DL with a rotator cuff injury. Davis will need time to work out The Kinks.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .370. The Betts to ever do it! I try to avoid cursing on the site, but Betts makes me want to drop some of the most loving f-bombs. Not even drop the f-bombs, but gently place them down on feather pillows.
David Price – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 5.11. Your mileage may vary on Gallo, Choo, DeShizz and Mazara, but the Rangers are not a good team. I know, not revolutionary thought here, but they had The Falefa King hitting third yesterday.
Nomar Mazara – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 3rd straight game with a homer. Mezzuzah! For what it’s worth, he was a preseason sleeper. And it better be worth something!
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .248. Now at 2,999 hits in his career. If he reaches the milestone today, he will be the oldest person to reach 3,000 hits at the age of 62.
Jaime Barria – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.46. His K/9 is 4.15, and his BB/9 is 4.15. Not the kind of symmetry we’re looking for.
Andrelton Simmons – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .327. He is impossible to peg from year-to-year, and not simply because he’s an alien. One year no power; one year lots of power; one year no average; another year average. Andrelton, pick a lane!
Reynaldo Lopez – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA up to 2.43. I really didn’t like what I was seeing from Reynaldo Lopez, but I was not fervently telling you to move on so… *taps chest* That’s my b. Actually, now that I think about it, what was the last thing I said about Rey-Lo? *searches site* DUDE! He was last week’s Sell! Oh, get out of here. Don’t put that shizz on me.
Daniel Palka – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in a week. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, but he could be a little schmotato for power.
Logan Morrison – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He’s old and kind of garbage, but not that old, and not that garbagey. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him heat up a little in the coming weeks.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.10. Is there any pitcher that is more “he is what he is” than Odorizzi? Maybe Lance Lynn. And Ervin Santana. The Twins like themselves some safe bleh, huh?
Trea Turner – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .281. Would kinda prefer a single and three steals, but beggars can’t be choosers, which was prolly first said by someone who could afford to say it. I’m pretty sure no actual beggar ever said it.
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .190. Buy! Seriously. Nah, we don’t have time for vowels — Srsly!
Lance McCullers – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.73 vs. Masahiro Tanaka – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners (0 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.39. I started both of these guys in multiple leagues — in one league, I started them both — and, instead of a medal or a pat on the back like I was some hero, I got two no decisions. I’m going to punch myself.
Brad Peacock – 1 IP, 0 ER and the blown save. Zero earned runs is totally deceiving, he dumped a load of garbage on Will Harris’ stat line (o IP, 3 ER). Peacock kept his plumage clean.
Jorge Soler – 1-for-4, 3 runs and his 4th homer and 2nd homer in three games. Soler will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you don’t have to wait for that. You can though, since he’ll prolly be there still.
Salvador Perez – 2 hits, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and yesterday was two days since Tuesday! AHHH!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! SERIOUSLY, RUNNING IS GOOD FOR YOUR CARDIOVASCULAR HEALTH. OH, AND SORRY, MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON MIGHT’VE BROKE.
Alex Gordon – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .303. Having a very under-the-radar season. The radar is measuring “Worthwhile Fantasy Outfielers” and he’s way under that.
Miguel Cabrera – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring strain. Not sure why I’m thinking of Andruw Jones so much, but I wonder if there’s a way to figure out the breaking down of players who are more naturally talented. It seems guys like Andruw, Hanley, Miggy, etc. break down quicker because they were more naturally gifted. This may be a lot of hooey.
Nicholas Castellanos – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .309. The Greek God of Hard Contact turned around lightning with a thunderous 383 foot blast, exclaiming, “Get that out of my house! But you don’t have to go far, just barely past the fence.” The Greek God of Hard Contact is nothing if not polite.
Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA up to 1.63. The Regression Fairies are partial to early Hilary Duff, they believe in aromatherapy and they will ruin your ratios.
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Those of you that drafted him two years ago and fell into a ditch for 24 months, rejoice!
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. I would not bet against Cruz hitting 35 homers. Please, who’s got money to bet, I run a blog.
Ichiro Suzuki – Retired from baseball. Much like Griffey, retirement was accelerated with sleeping during games. At one point, the M’s found Ichiro asleep in the bat rack. He said, “Sorry, this is just like one of those state-of-the-art Japanese hotels.”
