True or false: A) Dansby Swanson is famous for being Ted Knight’s caddy in Caddyshack. B) Starting a meme at his frat house in Arizona where he’d put his checkered pants on a cactus with the caption, “I’m thirsty, yo.” C) There’s no C. D) All the above. E) Was drafted a second ago by the Diamondbacks 1st overall, then traded to the Braves for the fellow WASP, Shelby Miller, and all-around terrible pitcher. If you answered D) All the above, how did you know what all the above was before reading E? Also, it was a true or false quiz, what the hell is all of the above?! So, Dansby Swanson is being called up by the Braves just in time, no lie, for their series against the Diamondbacks. Dayum. Hello, wounds, here’s your salt. In Prospector Ralph’s midseason top 100 prospects, Dansby was 22nd overall, right by Willie Calhoun, who totally tanked Mike Dukakis’ campaign. Swanson is a 22-year-old that was a’ight in Double-A (8 HRs, 6 SBs, .261 in 84 games). That’s neither here nor there, he’s young; he should be owned in most mixed leagues; you’re not going to find his talent level on waivers in many leagues; semicolons; fun. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Erick Aybar – Was traded to the Tigers to make room for Dansby. Going back to the Braves was Mike Aviles and Kade Scivicque, which was also the highest known scoring word in Words With Friends: Baseball Edition, until someone dropped a Rzepczynski. Hashtag nerd talk!
Kurt Suzuki – 1-for-5, 1 RBI as he cleared waivers. He is now eligible to be traded to any team. I searched Autotrader for Suzuki, but couldn’t find him. Let me know if you do.
Joe Mauer – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer. I apologize for saying in April he’ll never get to ten homers — or ne’er if you wear jean overalls — Mauer’s obviously got some power left in his bat. The power of a backup 2nd baseman, to be exact.
Trevor Plouffe – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .252. I looked at his game log thinking this was the first time he had three hits in a game without a homer. It wasn’t, he had done it twice before. I’ll bet you five dollars that you will never collect that he homers today, cause there’s obviously a glitch in the Matrix.
Ryan Zimmerman – Homered in his first rehab game. Since Rudy’s the only one with even a passing interest in Zimmerman, let me specify. He homered in his first rehab game of this rehab stint. Tracking his countless previous rehab stints is impossible.
Jonathan Papelbon – Will make a decision where he’s going to sign in the next 24 hours. If it takes more than 18 hours to figure out to sign by the X, he’s dumber than he looks. Will be interesting to see which team opts for a clubhouse cancer.
DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .342. Not that you care, but he has a real chance to lead the NL in average. Why don’t you care? You’re so apathetic. C’mon, let’s talk. Kidding, I don’t care either!
Eduardo Rodriguez – You had the marvelous slack-sacks to start him in Baltimore. He rewarded you with a no hitter thru four innings, then left with a tight hamstring. Someone, up above, doesn’t like you.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and two more homers (27, 28). Mookie Ballgame!
Jung-ho Kang – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. That’s his third homer in the last four games. Prior to this month, he was hitting so bad he couldn’t get arrested. Now, he could get arrested and is hitting well.
Brett Gardner – Out again on Tuesday, which is whatevs, but what’s burning my anguish from the inside-out is where the hell is Tyler Austin? This was the 2nd game in a row there was no Austin in the lineup. Please don’t tell me the Yanks are only starting him vs. lefties. Please don’t tell me that.
Gary Sanchez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and two more homers (4, 5). Willson Contreras who?! He’s the Cubs’ catcher prospect who looked great when he first came up only to fall mildly back to earth. I know, Random Italicized Voice, it’s a figure of speech. ‘Willson Contreras who?’ is a figure of speech? What about, ‘Where’s the Appalachian Trail?’ Is that a figure of speech? Forget it.
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .287. When you look back next March at Didi’s numbers, you’re gonna be like, “20 homers? That’s not bad, and he even hit near-.290.” That’s true, but he’s only owned in 30% of leagues now. So, why? Easy. (You thought I was going to ask myself questions I couldn’t answer?) Because when a guy gets to 20 homers, it works out to about one homer every ten days. Okay in theory, but when living it, you want to drop him for every player on waivers that is hot.
Michael Pineda – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.89. That he ended up with a no decision made my chickenshizz move to not stream him go down a bit easier. The scars of him defecating a 6+ ERA on my team in April still haven’t healed.
Nathan Eovaldi – Diagnosed with a torn flexor tendon that was completely detached from the bone. In other words, he had an 89 MPH arm with a 96 MPH fastball. Eovaldi could be out for all of 2017, which is a shame (for him).
Russell Martin – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homers, and four homers in the last three games. *presses catcher eject button* Goodbye, Travis d’Whatever; hello, Russell John Coltrane Dizzy Dean Martin!
Troy Tulowitzki – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .257. If you own him, not sure what you’re rooting for here since if he gets crazy hot, you know it’s going to lead to an injury.
Seth Maness – Will have Tommy John surgery. Fun fact! Maness is the masculine form of mistress.
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .248. Now has three homers in the last four games, and will be starring in Terminator: The Rise of the Schmotatoes.
Matt Holliday – Will have thumb surgery and might be done for the year. He also may have to opt out of the World Thumb Wrestling Championships this fall in Myrtle Beach.
Dallas Keuchel – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.76. Can’t believe he’s owned in 92% of leagues. Y’all some slow mugs.
James Paxton – Hit the DL with a bruised left elbow that he suffered from a comebacker in the ninth inning of his last start as he was going for a complete game. Damn, just when he looked like King Kunta, karma cut the legs off him.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. If Pujols gets to 27-30 homers, it’s not going to be without a September that is as good as any month he’s had this season.
Ryan Braun – Exited with a left knee strain, which required assistance to get off the field. Would’ve been awesome if the person helping him off the field was the FedEx deliveryman that tainted Braun’s first positive PEDs test. This sounds like a lengthy DL stint, but we shall see. Or not. Your choice.
Hernan Perez – 2-for-8 with a slam (10) and legs (21). You bothered to learn what SAGNOF meant (I saw your IP searching Google, Big Brother knows), but you didn’t pick up Hernan. Tsk, tsk, shame, raspberry lips.
John Lackey – Could get extra rest before his next start due to his shoulder. Which means he’ll avoid Coors and instead go in Petco. Pretty sneaky, Lackey!
Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.75. When the Cubs are in the playoffs, who is Fox going to focus on? The whole team is good. You need one standout! Who’s going to get the mohawk and be the human interest story?!
Trevor Cahill – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.74, in his first start of the year. If anyone else started Cahill, he would’ve given up 5 ER. The Cubs are charmed, I tell ya! The guy waking from the 108-year coma agrees. “There’s TV on my phone? What’s TV? And what’s a phone?” That’s the same fan from the last Cubs’ championship.
Chase Utley – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, as he returned to Philly. Gotta give it to the fans in Philly, classy move to throw bouquets of batteries onto the field.
Yasmani Grandal – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. Could the best pick up I made all year be a catcher? Unlikely, but Grandal’s done work.
Howie Kendrick – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .283. He really shouldn’t be batting eighth, but, besides maybe moving Utley down, not really sure where else Kendrick would hit in that lineup. Good job, Dave Roberts, now take an extra base.
Vince Velasquez – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA up to 4.14. Hey, you guys had some good times. Get his address and you can write, but you should no longer have him on your team.
Jeremy Hellickson – Will throw a bullpen session on Wednesday to see if he can start on Saturday vs. the Cards. The session will be watched by the pitching coach, manager and Phillie Phanatic, obviously in no particular order.
Cameron Rupp – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .276. Now his fourth homer in his last nine games. Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1…
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .292, after hitting .333 in the month of July. His base running could use some help though, 13 steals in 22 attempts. That’s not pretty larceny.
Noah Syndergaard – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.76, and pitchslapped Braden Shipley (5 IP, 7 ER). That was Noah’s third homer, which is weird. I figured if Noah met a Shipley there would be two of everything.
Yasmany Tomas – 1-for-5 and his 23rd homer, and, like, his 7th homer in the last three games. I have no idea why you’re not picking him up.
Tyson Ross – Threw a bullpen session on Tuesday. His first action since April 9th. No lie, the Padres originally said he wouldn’t be out for longer than 15 days. Of course, Ross did have one setback in July when he injured his ankle exercising in his hotel room. Is that what we’re calling masturbating now?
Matt Duffy – Left the game with a flare up of his Achilles injury that he just returned from after an eight week absence. Somebody’s been bit by the injury bug. Tulo must’ve sneezed on him.
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. For full disclosure, I’m not a big fan of calling a guy a hot schmotato who only goes 1-for-4 with a bomb, but since he homered on Sunday too, it could be something.
Nick Franklin – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and third homer this week as he hits leadoff with a .295 average and no one is picking him up, are they? Speaking of Nicks, for those who watch Vice Principals. The show’s pretty uneven, but the next door neighbor in Sunday’s episode looked like Nick Capozzi with a beard.
Dee Gordon – 2-for-4, 1 run with his 14th steal, hitting .296. He’s returned from his suspension, hitting near-.350 in that time, with more modesty, and a slightly deflated De-Go.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .316. Picking up some of the slack for Giancarlo, and, in return, Giancarlo is driving around his Ferrari, delivering Yelich’s newspapers.
Anthony DeSclafani – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.10, moving his record to 7-1. Stream-o-Nator hates his next start, and as goofy it is to not start a guy that likely has a better ERA than your entire team, I don’t trust him.
Billy Hamilton – Day-to-day with a bruised knee. Remember, day-to-day is better than minute-to-minute and month-to-month.
Brandon Phillips – Also out with a knee bruise. Maybe hiring dwarves to hit piñatas prior to games wasn’t the best idea.
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.85 vs. Corey Kluber 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.15. This matchup of Quintmo vs. Kluber could also been called, “Trump Foreign Policy.”
Justin Morneau – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .301. Since he showed up on the White Sox, he’s does nothing but hit. Sorry, that should be “nothing or hit,” since they’ve been sitting him left and right. Sorry again, that should be sitting vs. lefties.
Raul Mondesi – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .213. That was his first career homer. He’s the youngest Royals player to homer (21 years, 20 days) since Clint Hurdle (also 21 years, 20 days). If in twenty years, Mondesi Jr. is refusing to put Polanco Jr. in a prime position in the lineup, shoot me.
Eric Hosmer – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. It’s great to be back from the bereavement list. Sorry, I was gone for two months. I was mourning the end of Hosmer’s season.
Danny Duffy – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.73. “Hey, Teach, I can’t go to the chalkboard right now. I got a serious Duffy.”
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer, hitting .243. Difference between Morales last year and this year? A shizzton of luck with RBIs and BABIP.
Alex Gordon – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting over-.400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 1-for-2 and his 11th homer, hitting .200. After the game, Miggy tried to use him to rim a margarita glass.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.44. He’s settled down nicely this year, after struggling for the last few. Must be agreeing with him being engaged to the best Upton for fantasy.
Chad Pinder – Was called up by the A’s to start at 2nd base. Once we get over the fact his name should really be Chaddy Pindergrass, we see he hit 14 HRs in 106 Triple-A games with 5 SBs. Not too shabby, but — and this is a Serena Williams-sized but — Pinder was playing in the PCL, so 14 HRs there is about negative-four homers in other leagues. Plus, he strikes out a bit much. In AL-Only leagues, you do what you need to, but I’d hold for now in mixed leagues.
Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs as he helped remind me why I shouldn’t own John Axford (1/3 IP, 3 ER). You ever have a guy on your team that you forget is there until it’s too late? I hate you, Axford.
Shin-Soo Choo – Will have a plate inserted into his forearm. I sure hope it’s a Franklin Mint, Civil War commemorative plate.