Can you name the top five in the AL for batting average? I’m talking those qualified. The person who said Erik Kratz for being 1-for-1 on the year is unqualified to answer. By the way, if you’ve taken too many quaaludes to answer, does that mean you’re unquaaludified? I pose this question to you while sprawled on a tiger-skin carpet like Burt Reynolds in a centerfold for Cosmopolitan. “Loni, feed me grapes, would you doll face?” Totally making current references right now. The top 5: Altuve, Avisail Garcia, Hosmer, Reddick and Jose Ramirez. Yo, batting average leaders nowadays are weird. There’s only ten guys in the league over .300, and two of them are Joe Mauer and Lorenzo Cain. Yesterday, Avisail went 5-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 17th homer, as he hits .333. Let me be the first to tell you, he has not really broken out like your teenaged face. He’s hitting 52% ground balls, a .397 BABIP (!), not even top 70 for Hard Contact percentage, a high HR/FB% for him and still only has 17 homers. There’s very little to point to that he’s breaking out, and not just getting crazy lucky. Now watch him win the batting title and go full Terry Pendleton. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yoan Moncada – 4-for-5, 5 runs and a slam (5) and legs (2), hitting .229, but had a huge series vs. the Tigers. But, Part II, Back That But Up, the Tigers pitching is sad like how all the people look who were involved in the Scott Peterson case fifteen years later. Are you watching this A&E docuseries? It’s so good, who knew he used to date Janel Moloney from The West Wing? Any hoo! Maybe the Tigers pitching was the kickstart Yoan needed to reach his potential, or at least get hot for two weeks.
Jose Abreu – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .308. Might have to start calling him El Grande Dolor again, and risk a Frank Thomas defamation suit.
Nicholas Castellanos – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer, hitting near-.500 in the last week. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you wait for that and the other guy who secretly reads Razzball might beat you to it. Though, that other guy might be reading for the ads at the bottom of the post, “Which celebrities can no longer wear bikinis?” Now I have to know!
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-3 and his 16th homer, hitting .249. Member we used to say Avisail looked like Mini Miggy? This year that’s an insult to Avisail. If you would’ve told me in March you’re a time traveler and Miggy’s going to hit .250 with 16 homers, I would’ve said, “That’s the bullcrap news you bring me from the future?! You can’t tell me a stock to invest in or something?”
Jeimer Candelario – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Looking at his minor league stats, I can’t wrap my head around why this guy was a top prospect. Maybe the Cubs factor. Legit, not sure.
David Price – Will return as a relief pitcher. Sucks you drafted him high, but at least you didn’t pay $217 million over seven years! For that price, the Red Sox could’ve had the African nation of Cameroon and renamed it Mike Cameroon.
Eckersley dream sequence *wavy lines* Extra innings, David Price faces last Twins player on bench, Kyle Gibson. IT’S DEEP, IT’S GONE!
— Razzball (@Razzball) September 14, 2017
Drew Pomeranz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.28. In the American League, apparently, ‘Ranz can dance.
Khris Davis – Out on paternity leave. Maybe if it’s a boy, he’ll name him Chris Davis Jr. just to really confuse the shizz out of people.
Ryon Healy – 2-for-4 and his 25th homer, hitting .269. I’m sure in/around May I said/wrote something about how Healy would be unowned in the majority of leagues all year and we’d get to September, and his stats will be saying he should’ve been owned. And that’s me maybe/probably paraphrasing me!
Zack Godley – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Wow, Godley is not exaggerating, huh? I’m gonna have to take a long look at him this offseason like a cyclops with a monocle. For now, it’s just one start to the next, and, as the Stream-o-Nator rightfully points out, his next start is solid. By the way, Poseidon’s fantasy team had a nice day, adverbially speaking.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 39th homer. I shudder erotically (totally a thing) to think what Just Dong could do with 600 ABs.
Ozzie Albies – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .292. He was born in 1997! Member when Cuba Gooding Jr. jumped around, winning an Oscar for Jerry Maguire? That was 1997!
Koda Glover – Shut down for the season with shoulder issues. Don’t worry, I’m sure Glover will once again be a closer sleeper next March. Glover, Leonys and Lawrie are perennial sleepers. Call them, Rip Van Winkles.
Tanner Roark – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.43. Fun fact! Before global warming, his name was Pale Roark.
Jorge Alfaro – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .308. For some reason, Prospector Ralph doesn’t like Alfaro, but Alfaro smoked that home run last night and it made me drool a little. He didn’t flash home run power, he flashed 450-foot power.
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .256. For those concerned, he still has his Ripken-esque streak going. He even pinch hit in one game just to keep it going. If any Phillie fans (Phans?) are reading (in Reading), I’d love to know why this is so important to keep going.
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Bob Hoskins has already lost his place at the top of the Google results for Hoskins. Next up, Rhysus is going to be number one when you search Jesus.
Cesar Hernandez – 4-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .293. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but a four-hit night usually translates into a couple day schmotato.
Jake Junis – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.15. This feels like an ESPN thing to say, but Junis against the Indians last night gave a gutsy performance. Showed great intestinal fortitude. Oh, snap, I just realized intestinal fortitude’s root origin is likely gutsy. Unless it’s strictly a Gorilla Monsoon-ism. As for Junis, the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, but I’ll say this. Right now, game time decisions on streams could change on whether a team is playing their A or B lineup.
Kelvin Herrera – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save. Mike Minor, you’re up next! Or Ryan Buchter. Can’t believe they keep going back to Herrera. And Scott Alexander or Brandon Maurer? Well, let’s just say I have it on good authority that they suck.
Jose Ramirez – 4-for-4, 1 run, hitting .314. Everyone wants to make the Indians’ insane winning streak about Lindor, and, of course, he’s a big part of it, but go look at when the Indians started winning and Jose Ramirez. He got fire emoji just as the Indians picked up baseball at an orphanage, crocheted it some booties and had it move into Cleveland with them.
Jake Marisnick – Out six to eight weeks with a fractured thumb. This guy is such an emMarisnick!
Mike Fiers – Suspended for five games for throwing at Valbuena. Technically, they just told Fiers to stop, drop and roll for five days.
Brad Peacock – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.98. You in March, “Right after I drafted David Price, someone drafted Brad Peacock. Man, people are dumb.” You now, “I have a time traveling magician in my league, who dresses like a pick-up artist.”
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer, and the third time I’ve mentioned this week. Well, third time I’ve mentioned him for a homer, fourth if you count Fiers, but who counts Fiers? You a pyro?
Kyle Seager -2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer. He did it. He reached his usual benchmarks for power. Honestly, when he was sitting at 10 HRs at the break, I did not think he’d be getting there.
Yonder Alonso – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd steal. Okay, imagine a wrestling ring is “home runs.” Now imagine Alonso tagged Seager and Yonder went out for the whole 2nd half. All the people who were saying Alonso became a new hitter this past offseason have to admit this 2nd half from Alonso (5 HRs) is right back to his usual blech.
Nelson Cruz – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Anyone want to bet he now goes off for at least seven homers in the final two weeks?
Rougned Odor – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .213. Literally, the least you can do is go 30/15 with that crapola average.
Jose Berrios – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.84. Ugh, just shut him down until the playoffs at least! C’mon!
Byron Buxton – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer. Seemed to be the only one on the Twins not hitting homers recently, but he took responsibility for winning yesterday’s game in extras, saying the Bux stops here.
Justin Smoak – 2-for-5 and his 38th homer. With two outs in the ninth, he took away my save from Matt Belisle (1 IP, 1 ER, 4th blown save). That’s just wrong, Smoak, like a sky writer who is doing an advertisement for a therapist and puts a space in the wrong spot.
Jen-Ho Tseng – 3 IP, 5 ER as he was called up. So that’s where Jen-Ho from high school went! *intern whispers in my ear* Wait, it’s a guy? His minor league numbers look fairly mediocre — 6.4 K/9, 2.3 BB/9, 4.13 xFIP. Maybe there’s some streamer value here in mixed leagues, but I’d leave the owning of him to dynasty and NL-Only leagues.
Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (32) and double legs (9, 10). HR to the Rizzo!
Jason Heyward – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. For everyone that tuned out in April and tuned back in September, Heyward isn’t fixed. Ten homers in baseball this year is equal to a negative three homers.
Dominic Smith – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer, and third homer in the last four games. Hot schmotato alert!
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-3 and his 32nd homer, hitting .302. Hey, nice deductive reasoning! Yup, Schoop is one of only ten guys mentioned in the lede who is hitting over .300 in the AL.
Trey Mancini – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 24th homer, hitting .292. This guy is going to be tricky next year. It’s not tricky, it’s illusiony! Where he gets drafted is anyone’s guess. My guess is around 175-200 overall and comes at a great discount.
Wade Miley – 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.32. Damn, I hope Miley shakes the rust off by October. If the O’s make it to the playoffs, he’s their 2nd starter.
Aaron Judge – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 42nd and 43rd home run, hitting .277. Also, in this game, Gary Sanchez (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 31st homer. The Yankees’ right fielder and catcher are carrying this team. Hopefully, Judge doesn’t say anything about being the straw that stirs the drink, though, to be honest, I can’t imagine Judge using a straw. And, if he does, it would have to be a boba straw.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .214. The Yankee game was a blowout (as just about every game in the major leagues this year). I mention that because the Yankees removed their best players yesterday around the 6th. Frazier? Oh, he played the whole game.
Felix Hernandez – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER as he was activated from the DL. Was limited to around 50 pitches, and can’t imagine he really gets stretched out the rest of the year like Yoga Mom. I wonder if we could convince Christian Yelich’s mom to play Yoga Mom in my dreams. Oh em gee! I got an idea! We should have Yelich’s mom on the podcast. How do we make this happen? Can someone help, please.
Amir Garrett – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.49. Aw, ‘member when Muslim Mrs. Garrett was a thing? I think that was this year, but when I see a 7.49 ERA it makes me doubtful. Not Mrs. Doubtfire, different naggy b*tch. Just playin’, ladies! I’m your Fantasy Master Lothario.
Luke Weaver – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.89. *eyes spin like a slot machine, they all stop on avatars of the Ghost of Dave Duncan*
Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (20) and double legs (20, 21). A two-thirds of a season 20/20! Uh-oh, I feel a return of my rap alter ego, B. Fire. Dizzamn! Phizzam! We fizzam? No? Then I shouldn’t have screamed, “Daddy, stop tickling me,” when we was dancing to that jizzam. Or pointed out how your mom is bougie. Guy Frieri is Poochie and douchey. Queen Elizabeth be like, “Coochie, coochie, corgie!” Just watching Charmed, what happened to Doherty? Yo, I wanna steal your Connie, talking to you, Maury. Yeah, I’m special, call me, Corky. Ah, call me Corky. Ah, call me, Corky. (This is the chorus.) Think I might lay down this track.
