Origin Story Alert! In the Roppongi district of Japan, which sits between Chichibunomiya and Akabanebashi, lives a puppeteer named Goshi. For his entire life, Goshi worked in the medium of strings and miniature clothes. Sometimes, due to all the opium he smokes, he’ll forget where he left off one day and start new the next day. Due to a three-year process of forgetting and starting anew, he accidentally built a puppet that was 75-feet tall and named it Marcell Ozuna. The puppet simply went by the name, OZUNA. Elsewhere in Japan, on holiday, Giancarlo Stanton arrived with his family and me in his suitcase (how I’m able to relay the story). Giancarlo was marveled at everywhere he went, due to sheer handsomeness and size. One Japanese man said of Giancarlo, “You are like Mt. Fiji of GLOW.” OZUNA and Giancarlo remained on separate paths for many moons, until one faithful day when an explosion at a nuclear plant caused a giant lizard to emerge from the ocean. That lizard’s name was Allahzilla, because it originated in the Middle East, according to scientists. Armed with merely bats, Giancarlo (3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homers) and OZUNA (2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer) beat back Allahzilla and the Cardinals while freeing all of humanity, and fantasy. Thanks, heroes! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Thankfully, I no longer do 4th of July like I used to, because when you have a holiday weekend that lasts five days, you will get alcohol poisoning if you go too hard, and the 4th is especially dangerous because: day drinking. At least with New Year’s Eve, it’s at night. The Fourth is lying on a discarded sofa on the side of a highway at 3 PM and being like, “The hum of 75 MPH cars is so peaceful, I go to sleep now,” and waking up with a flashlight you mistake for a fleshlight and now you’re a registered sex offender. Hopefully, none of that happened to any of you, well, maybe the fleshlight part, and you all had a safe holiday. Any hoo! Yesterday, Andrew McCutchen went 3-for-4 and his 15th and 16th homers as he hits .288. He found the Fountain of Youth sometime in May and has been a Zombino eating brain custard ever since. I’m still half expecting — cting? — McCutchen will resort to blah in the 2nd half, but it looks like I wrote off McCutchen before his sell-by date. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Legit, this is longest July 4th weekend of all time. In 1776 on July 4th, Ben Franklin grabbed six ladies, and was like, “This will be better than Flag Day. We will call this Flagellation Day. Now twerk with a firework!” That lasted for three days until Ben yelled out an Astros’ hitter last name and called for a volunteer fire department to put out his redness. Any hoo! Ian Desmond hit the DL with “I wanna rest for a few extra days before the break.” It’s an epidemic that is going around the majors right now. This especially sucks for those that had him in their weekly lineups because you’re getting ziplock. But, for the rest of us, we got Raimel Tapia (3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer). Fun fact! He has a brother who drinks too much and can’t control his lasciviousness. His name is Felasleepon Tapia. Raimel gets a huge boost in value with Desmond’s DL stint. He’s a grab for every league, especially if you need SAGNOF. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?The Yankees called up Clint Frazier on Saturday. The Yankees are like you at a concert after your first bathroom break. “I had sixteen beers and I really gotta whizz.” *goes to the bathroom, then sips your seventeen beer* “Damn, I just took a whizz, and now I have to go again.” The childproof seal has been broken. The Yankees waited about five years too long to promote some of their rookies, and now they’re taking a whizz every third day. (I’m mixing metaphors, aren’t I?) I wonder if the Yankees are aggressively promoting rookies now because of how well Judge is doing. It’s confirmation bias, or some Psych 1010 term. In the minors, Frazier went 12 HRs, 9 SBs and .257 in 73 games. His strikeouts weren’t terrible, and that line looks like it could hold in the majors, i.e, 20/15/.250 in 162 games. That’s if he has playing time the rest of the year, which is, of course, no guarantee with Holliday, Hicks, Gardner, Ellsbury, though if they were candy, they’d all be brittle. I’d grab Frazier in all leagues to see what he can do. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Buying Into Teen Heartthrob Michael Taylor Broxton
June 30, 2017 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 465 Commentsby: Grey
“Michael Taylor and Keon Broxton are pizza delivery men. And–Yes, two of them delivering one pizza. Okay, and you answer the door naked.” Jim Bowden squints, considering it. “Can I be riding a Segway?” “Sure, sure.” “And you’re saying it’s not erotic?” “Not traditionally.” That was a pitch for a Showtime After Dark movie called The Bowden Fluffers. Before they’re through, they will also pitch it to Skinemax, Spike and NatGeo TV. Sadly, no one will bite on the Fluffers, pardon the phrasing. They will say they want to work with Michael Taylor and Keon Broxton again in the future, and rightfully so. Brucely, I was shocked they were both under 50% owned in ESPN leagues. I’d usually go on to say something snide here about ESPN leagues, but I get the feeling that we’re thisclose to every fantasy site closing its doors and opening its own video chatroom. Who would’ve guessed twenty years in the future all journalism professors would be Max Headroom? Any hoo! I’m off-off topic. Taylor has 11 HRs and nine SBs and hitting around .275, and Broxton has 13 HRs and 14 SBs and hitting around .250. If these numbers don’t immediately grab you like an angry sock puppet that needs its coffee, then you don’t know fantasy value. On our Player Rater, Broxton is the 24th best outfielder and Taylor the 46th best, i.e., they should be owned in 100% of leagues. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Cubs Staff Goes Sharia Law On Turner For Stealing
June 30, 2017 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 336 Commentsby: Grey
Last night I was thinking about how Trea Turner was singlehandedly winning people fantasy leagues. Today I’m thinking, can he singlehandedly play? He was top six for fantasy value already this year on our Player Rater, and he might’ve been a 2nd half player! He could’ve ended up in the top three overall for fantasy value. Yeah, I said it! Top three! Now, a broken wrist. Why can’t we have anything nice? I’m addressing you, Fantasy Baseball Overlord! I’m screaming at the heavens, standing in rain, hoo-ha’ing like I’m an out-of-work Al Pacino impersonator! Why can we not have nice things?! I want answers! Alas, FBO’s out to lunch, or so says his answering machine. This sounds like an injury where he could be out for six to eight weeks, but more will be known in the coming days. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? The Door Is Ajar, The DH Is Andujar
June 29, 2017 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 435 Commentsby: Grey
Yankees called up their 3B prospect, Miguel Andujar (3-for-4, 4 RBIs, and a steal), to fill-in for DL’d Matt Holliday. That reminds me of Joaquin Andujar, and now I’m sad. Gone too soon. RIP, Joaquin. “I always thought you’d kill someone before life killed you.” That’s my eulogy to him. Any hoo! I watched some game film on Andujar (while chewing on an unlit cigar, because that’s how scouts do it, right?), and he reminds me of so many Dominican players that take the Roberto Clemente/Vlad Guerrero approach. Old adage goes: You can’t walk your way off the island. We should have a glossary term for these type of hitters. Please suggest in the comments. Any hoo, Part 2: Still Hoo’ing, Andujar is raw, swings at a lot and makes contact, sometimes to his detriment. He could DH or see time at 3B, but will need to hit to stick. Could be a deep league power bat if he hits and Headley is benched indefinitely or Holliday stays out a while. Maybe Andujar will be so lucky that Girardi gets one more wish filled this year and looks at Andujar, saying, “Now, you be the Judge.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Alex Giveth A Ray, Alex Taketh Away
June 28, 2017 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 495 Commentsby: Grey
Uh-oh, the double lede! This is more spectacular than the double rainbow. WHOA, DOUBLE LEDE! Alex Cobb threw a gem yesterday — 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (2 Hits), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.73, but his brother from another mother and father, Alex Colome blew the game, going 1 IP, 2 ER, and now has given up seven earned — sevearned? — in his last three appearances. Alex Cobb carried a no-hitter into the 7th and was so good yesterday that Robert Wuhl is writing the screenplay to Cobb 2: More Corn. However, do the Rays play Blondie “Call Me” when Colome comes in? If so, stop! If not, give it a try because we need to shake things up. I grabbed Danny Farquhar before the game even ended. Lord Farq could get a few saves if Colome remains dreck. …Cause somebody once told me that Farquhar is an ‘own me,’ and I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed! Colome was looking kind of dumb with a crooked number on the board and an L shape hanging on his scorecard. Well, the years start coming– Okay, I will stop now. In the end, Tommy Hunter got the save after the blown save, so he could also be in the mix if Colome needs a little rest. In one league, I grabbed Farquhar; in one league, I grabbed Hunter for ye ol’ hedge. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Elvis Has Left The Building Twice
June 27, 2017 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 380 Commentsby: Grey
There is no truth to the rumor that Elvis Andrus stole his entire playing career from “Fats” Domingo, “Ivory” Roberto Kelly or Nate King Colbert. Elvis hits the covers off the ball better than Cam “Carl” Perkins and Jerry Lee Lewis Brinson. It is not Elvis’ fault that the way he plays the bat is seen as an appropriation of a top shortstop of yesteryear. He’s got the chops to knock down that axe! (All guitar knowledge I possess was used in that nine word sentence.) Yesterday, Elvis Andrus had the best game of an already great season, going 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs with his 8th and 9th homers. On our Player Rater, he’s in the top 20 overall. Not for shortstops, for all hitters and pitchers. Love me tender! Some of the names he’s above Giancarlo, Correa, Mookie and Dee Gordon. Love me sweet! Never let me go! Well, not so fast there. If I thought you could actually get value for Andrus in a trade, I could see it since he’s likely at his peak value. Unfortunately, there’s little chance you’d get back in a trade anything resembling Andrus’ value, so I’d Bubba hold Tep. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Cheese Says Burrata, A’s Says Barreto
June 26, 2017 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 494 Commentsby: Grey
Oakland promoted Franklin Barreto this weekend, and a friend of mine who I only see when he’s mowing my lawn said, “You got to go to The Mission if you really want a Barreto.” Recalling my 1600 Yelp reviews of every Chipotle in Los Angeles county, I exclaimed, “No way, Jose!” But he replied, “Mr. Grey, my name is Julio.” Then we laughed, and, even though he laughed with jajajajaja and I laughed with hahahaha, we found a common ground. As for fantasy, Prospector Ralph said, “Barreto offers hard contact, some speed. Gets caught a lot, and who knows how much the A’s send him. He’s exciting though. Upside guy with a low floor this season. Now can I go back to bitching about Tanaka?” There ya go! Right from the prospect whore’s mouth! I tried to get Barreto in all of my leagues, but, alas, he was gone. Yesterday, he went 2-for-5, 1 run, after homering in his first game on Saturday. He’s worth a flyer in all leagues in case he sticks with Semien. Ew. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Get On Your Mobile And Buymingham Some Montgomery
June 23, 2017 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 474 Commentsby: Grey
I had this lede in my back pocket. In the fantasy baseball writing world, it’s called ‘the early lede.’ It’s a form of sandbagging. You know everyone wanted Mike Montgomery in the preseason, but his rotation spot wasn’t confirmed. So, in March, you write a Mike Montgomery Buy lede like you’re filling in a Mad Libs. You say how he’s been great/solid/surprisingly awful but will come around. You can’t believe the Cubs took this long/moved this fast with him. His rotation spot was all but guaranteed once (pitcher’s name) got injured. That (same pitcher’s name) wasn’t good anyway and now Montgomery is here to stay for the season/the month/this next start. So far this year, he has a 61% ground ball rate, which would be the 3rd best in the majors if he qualified, and has a 8.6% swinging strike rate, which would be around the top 40. Those two numbers give the promise that his strikeout and walk rate aren’t giving yet. His 2.26 ERA is a bit of a fairy tale in unicorn clothes, but there’s still enough to be encouraged by. You better get him/have to get him/maybe should get him! This could be the pickup of the year/maybe a streamer and you better act fast/moderately quick/sometime while you’re still drawing breath. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? See You Later, Alligator, In A While, Cubbie Kyle
June 23, 2017 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 322 Commentsby: Grey
Yesterday, Kyle Schwarber was demoted to Triple-A to clear his head. But Joe Buck would’ve cleared it for him! Guess Schwarber is just one less thing for Joe Buck to plug. Joe Buck is now the new Crying Jordan meme. Also, yesterday, Jason Heyward was DL’d. Right now, Joe Maddon is like, “All I need is Ian Happ. And this chair. All I need is Ian Happ, this chair and this remote control. And Tommy La Stella. All I need is Ian Happ, this chair, this remote control and Tommy La Stella. And these Buddy Holly glasses. Happ, chair, remote, La Stella and these glasses! That’s all I need!” I’m sure Schwarber will be back at some point, but, in most mixed leagues, you can move on. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?