Last year, I won Tout Wars in a wire-to-wire cakewalk. So, before the Tout Wars draft this Saturday, I prepared like any great champ would. I took a page from Rocky Balboa and ran up a flight of stairs, hands raised in exultation. I took a page from Ultimate Warrior and ordered a group of preteen girls to tighten the slack on a jump rope and shook it furiously. Finally, I took a page from E.T. and draped myself in a blanket, squatted in a bicycle basket and had Rudy pedal me around our hotel room floor. Did E.T. have anything to do with being a champion? Not especially, but I was feeling nostalgic for some faux sentimentality and Ready Player One isn’t out yet. In my mind, I was standing, arms raised, with a lone spotlight shining on me as Lin-Manuel Miranda sang how I was not going to throw away my shot at a repeat. Only it wasn’t in my mind. In our hotel room, Rudy shined an iPhone flashlight on me as we played a rather tinny version of Hamilton off YouTube. I’m past patiently waitin’ I’m passionately mashin’ every expectation! And I’m not throwing away my shot! *clears throat* “Um, Rudy, could you help me down from this Marriott end table? I’m getting vertigo.” Anyway, here’s my Tout Wars, NL-Only recap:
C: Tyler Flowers – $7
C: Tom Murphy – $1
1B: Rhys Hoskins – $29
3B: Nolan Arenado – $36
CI: Jose Martinez – $8
2B: Logan Forsythe – $9
SS: Amed Rosario – $11
MI: Adam Frazier – $2
OF: Bryce Harper – $39
OF: Ryan Braun – $19
OF: Scott Schebler – $12
OF: Joc Pederson – $7
UT: Lane Adams – $1
SW: Carlos Asuaje – $2
P: Jeff Samardzija – $17
P: Sean Doolittle – $13
P: Jeurys Familia – $7
P: Jon Gray – $12
P: Mike Foltynewicz – $4
P: Michael Wacha – $12
P: Nick Pivetta – $1
P: Hyun-Jin Ryu – $6
P: Chris Stratton – $5
HEY, DIDN’T YOU WIN THIS LEAGUE LAST YEAR BY THE LARGEST MARGIN IN THE 20+ YEAR HISTORY OF THIS LEAGUE, AND BEAT EVERYONE BY SOMETHING LIKE 70+ HOMERS MORE THAN THE 2ND PLACE TEAM?
I’m glad you mentioned that, Mr. Al Bolden Caps, in a completely unprovoked manner. I’m not looking to gloat (much), only to point out last year’s draft and how it relates to my draft this year. It’s an “if it ain’t broke” scenario. Last year, I spent $40 on Paul Goldschmidt, $30 on Trea Turner and $28 (!!!!) on Giancarlo. You can see the parallels to this year’s team. I wanted to dominate offense again, knowing I would go hard after Bryce. There was no way I was not owning him. In our 12-team NL-Only auction values (though, that link is AVG; Rudy made me OBP values for this draft), we have Bryce Harper as the top player at $41. I would’ve likely went to $43 for him. Of course, no one in the room forced a cojones check. If Bryce Harper was on the Cubs, Andy Behrens would’ve opened the bidding with $67 and I would’ve never secured him. Thankfully, Harper was like a Valentine’s hard candy and meant to “Be Mine.” Your mileage may vary on how much you think my last year Goldschmidt pick equals this year’s Harper, but, as mentioned a prior thousand times, Rudy’s rankings are amongst the best in the business, and Harper’s #1 (with OBP). This was an easy call for me, because it’s confirmation basis on how much I like Bryce this year, too. Would it shock anyone if Bryce has one of those 110/45/125/15 seasons with a .450 OBP?
Know who else I like a lot this year? “My Favorite Messiah” Rhysus Hoskins. He could be Goldschmidt this year, and feels like the makings of my Giancarlo $28 (!!!!!!!!!!!) pick last year. Giancarlo returned a lot more value than $28 (! + infinity) and samesies for Hoskins this year. You’re lucky you’re not reading this recap in the same room as me because it’s getting me horny!
Finally, my 3rd baseman. I’m just going to carelessly put down this Honus Wagner tobacco card by an open window–NOOOO!!!! Torneado!!! Are you kidding me? Seriously, I have so much offense that Nolan Arenado is the last guy I talk about and he also happens to be a 110/40/125/2 guy with a .370 OBP. I will now cackle like a madman.
OKAY, THAT WAS A SLIGHTLY CONVOLUTED GAME PLAN, BUT IF TREA TURNER IS NOW HOSKINS, GIANCARLO IS NOW THE BRYCE IS RIGHT AND ARENADO IS GOLDSCHMIDT OR SOMETHING. WHO, PRAY TELL, IS LANE ADAMS?
Live with me for a second; here’s my end game values:
In short, my goals are a 32 in each category; I have a 42.9 in power. I could lose Hoskins and be fine. Knock on Alex Wood that never happens, but you feel me. Metaphorical! Please don’t touch me! If you look at my offense and don’t see how stacked it is, you need to get your fantasy baseball goggles recalibrated. Someone on Twitter said I overspent on Amed Rosario. A) Ha. B) Seriously, Ha! C) There’s no C. D) Seriously, there’s no multiple choice here of why I didn’t overspend on Rosario, but here’s 1) My auction value for Rosario is $11. 2) I needed some speed. 3) There’s no 3. 4) Rosario is set to hit eighth, until around the end of April when this fairly apparent thought crosses the Mets’ collective mind, “Rosario is our future leadoff hitter, why don’t we just hit him leadoff now?”
As for Lane Adams, this is funny (not funny). On the Prospectonator (our tool that shows the stats for all rookie hitters and pitchers if they had a full season), has Lane Adams projected for 14 HRs and 31 SBs. I know, I know, that’s lunacy, and ¡Acuna! will replace him, but Adams went 5/10 in only 109 ABs last year. If he gets 250 ABs, I’d take that for a $1. For you old school fantasy heads, Adams reminds me in looks and potential results to Drew Stubbs.
OKAY, OKAY, YOU’VE SPUN GOLD FROM WISPS OF YOUR MUSTACHE HAIR FOR YOUR OFFENSE, BUT CAN GREYPUNZEL LET HIS MUSTACHE HANG OVER HIS PITCHING SO NO ONE CAN SEE IT?
Out of 36 possible points last year in ERA, WHIP and Ks, I scored 30 points with a staff of Lackey, Samardzija, Chacin, and a $12 (!!!!!) Robbie Ray. Again, your mileage may vary how much you think last year’s Robbie Ray reminds you of this year’s Jon Gray, but for starters (pun!), if Gray pitched anywhere else, he’d be a $25+ pitcher. Gray is headed into his “when shizz gets gorgeous” third year and is projected for 200 Ks by everyone, if he gets the IP. Now, if he gets the bounces at Coors, he could be the best thing in the Land of High Miles since Ubaldo. As for the rest, Samardzija is innings and Ks as he was last year; I wrote a Michael Wacha sleeper; my couched excitement for Nick Pivetta is in my top 100 starters; Stratton is a Rudy fave, and on a ton of “Wow, this guy is showing me something” lists in the spring, and I drafted enough saves for around a 9 out of 12 points. Maybe my golden mustache locks don’t hang fully over my pitching staff, but there’s some gold in their skills.
WHY DO YOU THINK THE OTHER ‘PERTS IN YOUR TOUT WARS LEAGUE ALLOWED YOU TO COME IN AND DO SAMESIES ON THEIR FACE?
That’s a great question like, “Why does every billboard of a DJ look like an In Memoriam?” Could be a couple of things at work. Some guys just have their own game plans. They’ll come in, bid $40+ on Votto like he somehow wins them anything but OBP. Or they’ll come in and bid $39 on Kershaw, even though that means if he gets injured their second best pitcher is Jason Vargas. Maybe they’re too proud to follow my lead. Or perhaps they just don’t believe in my previous year’s results, and allowed me to come in and do samesies. If it’s the last scenario, it’s going to be a shame when it’s mid-May and I’m doing Here Comes the Hotstepper to another victory.