Jose Altuve is on pace for 60 homers. He can’t even reach the cereal in the morning! If an opposing manager were to ask to see Altuve’s bat, they would crack it open to reveal gumballs because he’s the leader of the lollipop guild. If the major leagues were to institute a Daffy Duck ‘You Have To Be This Tall’ sign before getting to the batter’s box, Altuve would need his mother to escort him into the batter’s box every time. That’s assuming she’s tall enough! If she’s not, who does he get? His uncle? Erik Kratz? If might were height, Jose Altuve would be a giant. That much is true. I love that lil’ bugger! I want a Teddy Ruxpin in the shape of Altuve to cuddle at night. Last night, he went 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 9th homer, hitting .330. So, the question is, can he keep it up? Up is not a word I associate with Altuve, and, no, he can’t keep it up. No one could keep up this pace. Of course, he’s still a .315 hitter with an easy 110 runs, 35 steals and 70 RBIs, i.e., a top ten bat. So, keep it up? No, not without four phonebooks under him. Do enough to make you glad you didn’t sell high? As a French dwarf would say, “Wee!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chris Devenski – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.46 after two starts and some mop-up duty like Carol Burnett in the credits. Devenski was never a top prospect. At one point, he was a player to be named later in a Brett Myers trade. Myers, member him? He’d be suspended so much nowadays. Devenski throws around 92 MPH and profiles as a number five, which is when you pee on two poops.
Luke Gregerson – 1 IP, 3 ER. But-but-but everyone’s already gave up on Giles! Gregerson won’t be out this quickly, but he was assumed to be behind Giles in the spring for a reason; he’s not as good.
Leonys Martin – 2-for-4, 2 runs and 2 steals (4, 5). It’s my favorite Martin! Okay, I’ve seen enough; I went to pick him up in every one of my leagues, and, of course, he was owned already. Here’s hoping you have better luck.
Brad Boxberger – Nearing a rehab assignment. To put that in terms people can understand, the racehorse that lost its last three races was shot in the head. Then a man with giant scissors that he bought from a mayor that lost his last election and will no longer be doing ribbon-cuttings, cut the horse up and sent the meat to McDonald’s. Soon that meat will be processed into a burger that will be placed in a box.
Ben Revere – Joined the Nationals in Chicago, but didn’t play yesterday. Instead, Ben went to the Chicago Zoo, saw the giant mirrored bean and posed for photos with George Wendt.
Joe Ross – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.23. I’ve been giving JB some crap about how high he’s ranking Ross in his pitcher rankings (22nd!), but yesterday’s game goes a long way towards making me a believer with nine Ks in under seven innings. Of course, it was vs. the Cubs’ B lineup. Now, now, no undercutting it. (Though, seriously, it was the B lineup.)
Jayson Werth – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s not in the Buy column coming later today, because he gives me a major case of the yawns. With the said, Werth is smoking hot (3 homers in the last six games, hitting near-.350 in the last week).
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Bit surprised Maddon moved Zobrist out of the two-hole, but I bet his hot bat gets him moved back up. Dot dot dot. Oh, who am I kidding? I have no idea what Maddon’s going to do.
Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Hendricks is such a solid, upstanding individual that his ERA and xFIP are virtually the same. No tricks with Hendricks!
Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. I guess I shouldn’t have expected 7 IP, 15 Ks, but I can’t help feel disappointed. DeGrommit, it’s the Padres! C’mon!
Wil Myers – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .302. If he would’ve done this last year, people would’ve been talking about how he’s breaking out. This year everyone’s like, “Whatever, you disappointed last year.”
Derek Norris – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Just in time, he was about to be tagged DNR.
Colin Rea – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. You used to Colin on my cellphone…Last night, when you need my fantasy stream. That could only mean one thing. I know when the hitters got no swing. You used to Colin on my cellphone…
Alfredo Simon – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 9.86. Yesterday, Simon was firing on all cylinders, so DUCK!
Jay Bruce – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Bruuuuuuuuuuuce! U’s see?
Adam Duvall – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer and 3rd in three games. Yesterday, I said hot schmotato; today, I say, see yesterday.
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Okay, there’s something to be said about how awful the Brewers’ pitching is.
Domingo Santana – Sat out again with a lat issue. I once sat, only to realize I grabbed the wrong drink, which I recall saying, “I have a latte issue.” Maybe those aren’t similar circumstances.
Alex Presley – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I hope after he blasted that homer he screamed, “Presley has left the building!”
Chris Carter – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. On a scale of one to ten for how shocked I’d be if Carter hit 40 homers, I’d put it at about a four with less than moderately shocked.
Tommy Milone – Twins waived him. In other words, the Twins told Milone, “Cheers!”
Kevin Gausman – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (zero walks), 4 Ks vs. the Yankees. The Yankees right now look like a team of former All-Stars that Kevin Costner wrangled together to have one more go at it. Or maybe Kevin James. Or maybe Kevin Gausman just made them look that terrible. About a week ago, I gave you my Kevin Gausman fantasy. I said there that he had the stuff to be a number one or two, so far so one.
Zach Britton – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks as he returned. O’Day returns to setup and putting odd-shaped objects in front of Britton’s path.
Masahiro Tanaka – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.29, WHIP at 0.92. Since his tendon became a dangling noun, he doesn’t have the K-rate like he had his first year nor the velocity, but his control is still impeccable, and his xFIP is 2.92.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 4th steal. Eaton’s on pace for a boring but productive season. Don’t see him being this year’s Pollock. Besides, he’s Lithuanian.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. On Sunday, I was like, “Great, Avisail is hurt, I’ll play Delino in my weekly league.” On Thursday, Avisail returns with a homer, and Delino is redecorating a dog house. Weekly leagues are so frustrating.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .400 in the last week. I picked him up for the batty call, then someone in the comments yesterday told me to grab Anthony Gose, so I did. Gose ended up not playing. That was awesome.
Hanley Ramirez – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Five over-the-internet dollars says Hanley goes off for the next month, culminating with his 15th homer and a pulled hamstring.
Dustin Pedroia – 3-for-5 and his 4th homer. The Red Sox lineup reminds me of what the Yankees wish they had. Old ass men actually producing.
Jung Ho Kang – Could be activated today. Great, now Polanco will be batting ninth, pinch-hitting for the pitcher.
Maikel Franco – Received a mental day off yesterday, so why was it I saw him doing a Sudoku? Hmm?
Jerad Eickhoff – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (2 BBs), 2 Ks, 1 Homer Allowed, ERA at 4.21. Stream-o-Nator predicted a line of 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (2 BBs), 1 Homer Allowed, 5 Ks. 5 Ks?! He only got 2! Geez, what a rip!
Matt Adams – Has a knee contusion after colliding with Darin Ruf at first base. The collision was described by people who saw it as “The Moobable Object crashing into The Moobable Force.”
Aledmys Diaz – Sat yesterday to give Ruben Tejada at-bats. Jon Morosi of Fox Sports said look for the Cardinals to ‘find creative ways’ to keep Diaz in the lineup when Peralta returns. WOW! Hard-hitting analysis! Really? The Cardinals, who regularly rotate 14 guys into eight spots, will manage to play Aledmys when Peralta returns? That’s absolutely crazy! Is water wet? Is it? I’m dying to know! I think there’s an N missing in Morosi.
Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.05. This matchup vs. the Phils at home couldn’t have been more cushy if it took place while everyone was balanced on Matt Adams’s belly.
Brandon Moss – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 7th homer. Random Prediction Alert! Moss will finish the year with 25+ homers, then next year, you’ll look at him in the preseason and be like, “Damn, look at his power, and at such a discount. I’m gonna draft Moss late!” Then you’ll get a week into next season and realize why you didn’t own him in 2016, he only plays three times a week.
Garrett Richards – Scratched from today’s start with fatigue. He sounds like he has mono. Has he been making out with Carlos Martinez?
Adam Conley – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.06. And you didn’t think there was that much pitching to draft. Conley has a 9.5 K/9, 3.6 BB/9 and a 3.79 xFIP, which is better than your current fifth starter. How do I know who your fifth starter is? Because I’m standing behind you. Hey!
Christian Yelich – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .330. Quietly having a solid first month-plus. He says it is the best he’s felt in May since he went to his prom. Which was last year.
Derek Dietrich – 2-for-3, 1 RBI, hitting .319. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column. It’s a real doozy! *hiccup* Sorry, I meant I wrote it while boozy.
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Who was it again that said he was the sleeper of the year? I’ll give you a hint, it’s the same guy that told everyone to draft DeShields. Ah, yes. That is I.
Michael Fulmer – 5 IP, 5 ER. I’m going to leave my Tom Collins on the counter of this darkly lit ISIS-run bar and go to the bathroom. I’m sure it will be fine! *five hours later* It’s chilly in here. Wait, why has my torso been opened like a lunchbox. AH!!! ROOFIE!!!
Trevor Bauer – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Speaking of roofies, Bauer is like a perennial rookie in that he’s never outgrown unreliability. Since he never grows up, I’m going to call him, The Toys R Us Kid.
Michael Brantley – 4-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs, average up to .276. Well, look what the cat dragged in! A piece of yarn? Not now, Random Italicized Voice.
Chris Gimenez – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. If you’re a Carlos Gomez owner, you can look real fast at Chris Gimenez and almost think Gomez homered.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Where he was once a partier who would expose his mother’s breasts for a snapshot and jog with a cigarette in his mouth. He’s now aging gracefully. Regal, windswept and majestic. Mike Napoli, you are America’s Kathy Bates, who I believe lives in New Mexico, which, after November, will be removed from our country.
Hunter Pence – Got yesterday off as a ‘maintenance day.’ He just sat on the bench, licking his feathers and sitting on his 18-pound eggs.
Matt Cain – 4 IP, 6 ER vs. Chris Rusin – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Cain + Rusin = Inca Ruins.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. *screaming into an industrial-sized fan* Diiiiiiiid sommmmmmmeonnnnnnnnnnne saaaaaaaaay Torrrrrrrrrenado?
Trevor Story – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Meh, he’s so last month!
Gerardo Parra – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs. It takes a certain kind of terrible pitching to simulate Coors Field in San Fran, but Cain and The Mazzacre (1/3 IP, 7 ER) were able to pull it off. Is it still the 5th inning in San Fran? Fo’realies, how is Vin Mazzaro in the league still? The Mazzacre cannot be stopped!
Michael Saunders – Blue Jays scored 11 runs and Saunders didn’t play. Holy sit!
Kevin Pillar – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. All it takes is one big game with Pillar in the leadoff role for Gibbons to scratch his butt, eat a banana and leave Pillar in the leadoff spot for the next month.
J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.50. Happ-iness is getting an eleven run lead.
Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 5th homer. He looks like he’s catching fire like that movie/book I never watched/read.
Delino DeShields – 0-for-1 as he pinch-hit. Choo’s not even back and Delino’s already lost his job. I wish someone would’ve sent me a sign to avoid him.
Derek Holland – 2 2/3 IP, 11 ER in Toronto. I guess ‘going Dutch’ means something entirely different in Canada. Like a date where you cover a girl in caribou hide and shower her in poutine poots.
