Ariel Miranda pitched a no-hitter yesterday through six innings and 112 pitches that had to be the worst six-inning no-hitter in baseball history. Shame the M’s removed him before he gave up a hit, because this could’ve been an epic debacle — depicacle? Remember those Hall of Shame books from the 1980’s that always featured at least one anecdote about Steve Lyons? Usually that anecdote was of him undressing at first base. Somehow that largely visual gag was depicted in literary prose in these books. If they still had those books, Ariel Miranda’s six-inning no-hitter would’ve had a chapter. He went 6 IP, 1 ER, zero hits, six walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.72. Only thing that was missing was him taking his pants off on the mound or clowning around with Max Patkin. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Cameron Maybin – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, as he bats ninth. Unfortch, Maybin put the end to the no-hit bid by the Mariners. At that point, the Astros had one hit and three runs! These Hall of Shame books write themselves.
J.P. Crawford – 1-for-5, 1 run, as he was called up and played 3rd base, because the Phils can never take Freddy Galvis out of the lineup. Taking Galvis out of the lineup is like removing the lid on the Ark of the Covenant. Now, you melted your face.
Jacob deGrom – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.65, and he was outpitched and pitchslapped by Ben Lively (7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.92). After the game, deGrom said he just didn’t have his stuff. When pressed about what stuff specifically, he said, “The elbow tendon us Mets pitchers are sharing. Syndergaard was doing long-toss with it, and, when he was done, put it by the water fountain, and Keith Hernandez walked by and used it to light a cigarette, and must’ve put it in his pocket, thinking it was his.” You know with the Mets this isn’t a big exaggeration, right? Look at this excerpt from Newsday about Matz. I sure hope it was a petite grapefruit.
Jake Arrieta – Had an MRI on his hamstring, and results said a Grade 1 strain. Cubs are saying he will likely miss his next start. My guess is more like two-three starts, but I wasn’t in the MRI room, though I am wearing a backless gown.
Jordan Luplow – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I grabbed Luplow in one NL-Only league because he was playing, and I thought, “Cool, his last name is French for snow plow.” He’s been hitting a little since his call-up, and he can hit for a little average. Little is the keyword. Little interest in redrafts unless he’s hitting.
Luiz Gohara – Called up by the Braves to start today. He made it onto Prospector Ralph’s top 100 prospects list-ma-whosies. Gohara’s minor league numbers are dazzling, but, wow, he’s young. 21 years old, though he looks like he’s 35. Or at least a 35-year-old Bartolo. I.e., my man likes donuts. He throws mid-90’s, is Brazilian not just his bikini line, and had a 12.2 K/9 in Triple-A. There was some talk of him becoming a reliever at some point. It has to at least partially be so he can snack during games. In NL-Only leagues, you grab what you have to, in mixed leagues, I’d stream if I needed it, but safe? No way.
Buster Posey – Left the game after taking a foul tip off his hand. In related news, MLB just outlawed foul tips.
Trevor Story – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .226. If he goes 78 for his last 78 with 15 homers mixed in, he can still salvage his season.
Jake McGee – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. A’la Scarface, “The Rockies’ closer womb is polluted!” I guess we’re heading back over to that scallywag, Greg Holland (1 IP, 0 ER, and the save), but I sense pending doom as I type that.
Chris Archer – No structural damage found with this forearm. Scaffolding could be down by next week with slider usage back up.
Jake Odorizzi – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.58. I had this thought last night, “Is a herd of Ruffalo called a Mark?” I also had this thought, “Rays pitchers are much better at home, aren’t they?” They are: 3.70 vs. 4.34 ERA. Also, I was surprised to see the Rays’ pitching is 8th in the league for ERA, but pitching staffs’ ERAs right now are like being the world’s tallest midget. The 8th best ERA is 4.02. There’s only three teams that can be puff-your-chest-out proud about their pitching: Dodgers, Indians, Diamondbacks.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, and his 4th homer in the last nine games. Trading for him has really bolstered the Rays’ playoff chances. Just holding Tim Beckham likely would’ve made more sense, but we’re not here to wonder why, just do or 2nd half of New Hampshire’s motto. Making you think a little in the morning is good for your…uh, what’s the thing called in your head? I’m having a something fart.
Austin Hays – Called up by the O’s. He was ranked 8th on the top 10 outfielder prospects list by Endorphin. Prolly nothing for this season, but he looks like a guy that is going to elicit many, “When’s he coming up?” next June. I’m now stockpiling my Austin’s Hays Rebellion puns.
Manny Machado – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 31st and 32nd homer, with the 2nd being a walk-off jack. In the 2nd half, he’s hitting .338 with 14 HRs and 5 SBs. Apparently, we don’t have to worry about Machado.
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Watch him get to 30 HRs, and everyone next year be like, “Yo, Grey, your beauty is unparalleled, but why down on Trumbo? He still hits 30 homers every year.” *facepalm*
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 31st homer. I haven’t mentioned this, but I love that Schoop has been batting third for the last couple of months. Like lurve it completely.
Dellin Betances – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA up to 2.73, and his 2nd straight game given up a run. Yesterday’s blown save was dagger-stabbing too. Only the Yankees could have three of the best closers in baseball and not save a game. I’d guess Robertson’s up next, but maybe back to Aroldis. Hard to say right now, but I’d own all of them.
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-4 and his 27th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last two days, and 5th homer this week. Hot schmotato alert!
Roberto Osuna – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save against a Red Sox team that looked like they couldn’t tell you the time all night. Man, Osuna’s been limping to the finish line like Mary Decker. I wonder if Zola Budd gave Osuna a flat tire. Right now, if a club removes a closer from the job, it puts a giant nugget of self-doubt in their head all offseason, so I doubt Osuna’s removed.
Marcus Stroman – Will throw off a mound today. For him, a mound can be an ant hill. Because he’s short! Don’t make me spell these out!
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.33, and 6,450 steps, according to his Apple Watch.
Should’ve known something was up when Apple’s iPhone 8 event was to be hosted by Dustin Pedroia in a black turtleneck.
— Razzball (@Razzball) September 5, 2017
Paul Goldschmidt – Still sidelined with elbow issues. Are you people praying hard enough here? I don’t feel your ultralight beams shining through giving Au Shizz a Beyonce halo.
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.01 vs. Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.59. This was a preview of an NLCS playoff game that will take place at three o’clock on a Tuesday for TV and be watched by five kids under the age of 14. I’m getting mad already. Way to win back the youth, MLB!
Matt Carpenter – His shoulder MRI showed “nothing major.” That’s what the female MRI said!
Harrison Bader – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 33 RBIs and his 3rd homer in a week, as he continues to hit leadoff. Yo, check out this guy, he’s impersonating Bob Boone! Oh, wait, no. You’re impersonating a baboon? No, that’s not right either. You’re impersonating Rhysus?! Blasphemy! How dare you, Bader. It’s not a question, it’s a phrase of indignation. What nerve! Again, it is not a question. I’m expressing displeasure at you pretending you are Rhysus. By the way, what were you acting out before when I thought it was a baboon? A Rhysus monkey? Oh!
Jose Martinez – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer, and three homers in the last three games. Yo, the Cardinals’ “Out of Nowhere Outfielder” tree is spawning duplicates and I think we might’ve overwatered it. If I were the Cards, I’d play seven outfielders and skip the corner infielder spots. Yes, yes, I know Martinez played 1B last night. Any hoo! He appears hot, but, as with all Cardinals, we’ll see how much he plays.
Matt Olson – 1-for-5 and his 15th homer, and, like, 18th homer in the last three days. I know, lots of guys to pick up, but I’ve been telling you to grab Olson for three days now. Gotta give him priority.
Matt Joyce – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Joyce feels like he could go to Asia, and hit 20 homers a year for the next 20 years. And maybe marry Joyce Chen, so she can be Joyce Joyce.
Garrett Richards – 3 1/3 IP, 1 ER as he pitched for the first time since April 5th. He lines up to face the M’s next on June 14th, 2018. Good thing he didn’t get Tommy John surgery eighteen months ago, he would’ve missed his two abbreviated starts this year!
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer, hitting .320, and 2nd homer in as many games. The Zombino rises again, or maybe in this case it’s a Homophobino.
Max Scherzer – On track to make his next start. Good news for his H2H owners, until he goes 5 IP, and is pulled because they’re using kid gloves with him for the impending playoffs. H2H playoffs are like playing conservatively with $100 for three days at a casino, and building a nest egg up to $5,000, then in the last five minutes, you put it all on red.
JaCoby Jones – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Also, in this game, John Hicks (3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs) and his 5th and 6th homer; Mikie Mahtook (3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs) and a slam (11) and legs (5) and Jose Iglesias (2-for-3) and his 6th homer, as the Tigers tacked seven runs on Jason Vargas in two innings, and thirteen runs in all. Which goes to show you a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it’s an Apple Watch, right, Red Sox?
Robert Stephenson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 5.15, but does have four straight decent starts, and I still don’t trust him. Even if Stream-o-Nator approved of one of his starts (which it likely won’t), I wouldn’t touch him. It’s a little thing called a 6 BB/9. He’s got more walks than a group of elderly women in a mall.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .289. So, instead of Odor, I should’ve drafted Scooter 27 rounds later. Message received!
Matt Davidson – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer. The track record is light on case examples, but, from what we’ve seen, Davidson seems like the type to get hot for a few games after he homers.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5 and his 24th and 25th homer, and, like, his 12th homer in the last three at-bats. Damn, Cousin Sweatpants, Jo-Ram went Bonko Yamatsu in the last week. Bonko Yamatsu is a name I invented of a guy who hits a lot of home runs, but is part Toxic Avenger so he’s not allowed to play. Graphic novel to come!
Austin Jackson – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in the last week. Action Jackson is mostly known for robbing homers, and being brilliantly underplayed by Carl Weathers.
Danny Salazar – 2/3 IP, 4 ER as he was activated from the DL. Well, I’m less confident in him for the H2H playoffs than I was this time yesterday. 7:27 PM PST, if you must know. By the way, EST can eat a D! How’d you become the standard bearer for time? I hate EST! “I’m gonna call you tomorrow at 10 AM to discuss this job opportunity.” “That’s 7 AM my time, you jerkoff!”