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Is the title anti-Italian discrimination? Lucky I didn’t go with Whop, Whop, That’s How You Drive A Rig-A-Tony. It’s whop as in making a loud blow, like a homer! Hey, I’m half-Italian, I can’t be discriminatory. You can tell I’m half-Italian because I can be loud about absolutely nothing. If I mention Tony Soprano and you don’t do the stations of the cross, I can’t trust you. Taken too soon. *crosses self, kisses hand* I can’t wait for the prequel, that’s got ugatz on nothing not for nothing. Anthony Santander, vaffanculo, where’s this guy been? Anthony, you should be so good, what happened to you? You upset me, you know that? Yesterday, Santander went 2-for-4 with his 8th and 9th homer, as he hits .245. You kiss your mother with those stats? His Launch Angle came down this year, unlike the price of gabagool. It’s brought down his fly balls. *grabs balls* What’s it to ya? His HR/FB% is in the basement with my old Z. Cavaricci pants. He looks like he split his great, although short, 2020 season and his just okay 2019. Yesterday might’ve been the start of hot streak, like this blond going through my rat tail, but his numbers look fairly mediocre, unlike the sleeper he was coming into the year. Unless he can drive through the ball like a Fiat, and Fix It Again, Tony. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

DJ Stewart – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Between him, Santander, Hays and Mancini, I think I’ve written a sleeper post at some point about all Orioles’ outfielders except Mullins. *looks at reflection in a wading pool* You’ve failed me.

Akil Baddoo – Being checked for a concussion after colliding with Derek Hill. Akil got it bad-doo.

Justin Steele – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.95. I saw Steele, and I immediately wondered what Laura Holt thinks of him, and she didn’t disappoint from her deep league waiver wire target post yesterday, “Steele finds himself in the rotation of the stripped-down Chicago Cubs (at least for Tuesday — we’ll see how things go).  He’s pitched 13.1 very successful relief innings in the majors this year, with a 2.02 ERA/1.05 WHIP, and 21 Ks to 7 walks (and he was pitching brilliantly in Triple-A before his call up). While I’m not sure how many innings he has left in him for the year, he may be worth taking a deep-league look at if the Cubs continue to stretch him out — and take a better late season look at him as a starter themselves.” And that’s me quoting Laura!

Freddy Peralta – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.26. Ugh, I can’t have anything nice in my brain. Now I’m starting to worry FreddyKBB might be pitching too much and will be a worry for next year. I need alligator blood!

Avisail Garcia – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Know what’s wild? Chet Hanks. You know what’s wild in regards to fantasy? On the Player Rater, Avisail is about to overtake Adolis, and I’d guess most people have loved Adolis this year for an extended period while have been barely interested in Avisail.

Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Cain…Sugar is more like a Vicodin for excitement, but he’s hitting near .350 in the last two weeks. Hot schmotato alert!

Willy Adames – 3-for-6, 2 runs and his 21st homer. I’m gonna be saying a lot this offseason stuff like, “I know everyone loves Adames now, but I loved him before everyone,” and most people are gonna be like, “Yeah, whatever.”

Edward Olivares – Sent down. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA–Breathe, Grey, breathe! The Royals are totally screwing Ed O. Gee, I don’t know why, but I Got To Have It. It being the reason. The crazy thing is, because of the way the Royals are handling Olivares, I think they’re actually making more demand for him in fantasy than he deserves. Like, he’s some treasured prospect who we are all dying to see now, when, in reality, he might be Franchy Cordero.

Salvador Perez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 28th and 29th homer. Someone’s going to draft Sal P. in the top 50 next year and I am going to cackle so loudly.

Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Sonny Gray is one of the best four-inning pitchers. Sadly, he pitches for five or more innings. Never the same four innings either. Sometimes he goes caca-cuckoo in the 1st. Maybe he’ll choose the 2nd to put the shat in William Shatner. The 3rd? Oh, for sure! He can be bad in the 3rd. 4th? You know it! The 5th? You bet your bippy!

Aristides Aquino – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. He has three homers vs. righties, but he seems to only get those when he’s already in the game, starting vs. a lefty. Guess what I’m saying is the GGOATOAT can GGOATOAT, but he’s getting limited playing time. Hmm, my explanation is more confusing.

Shane Greene – Designated for assignment. That assignment is to act more like Chad Green and less Shane Greene. Like they say to me when golfing, “That’s the wrong green, bro.”

Adam Duvall – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer. Here’s what I wrote on Monday:  *signs over deed to house to bet Duvall will homer in the Braves’ next game* I would now like my house back!

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.41. Not the best feeling to see a guy I wouldn’t go near on waivers pitching almost exactly the same as Sonny Gray, and even better yesterday. Doesn’t make me *pinkie to mouth* Smyly.

Jack Flaherty – Will return on Friday. I don’t know what to expect, but I’d guess he’ll be fine since it wasn’t an arm injury that had him sidelined. Time to right the Jack ship!

J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.34. Now that the Cardinals have turned Just Awful into Just Awesome, for their next trick, the Cards will make a mother who doesn’t ask, “Hey, should I download this (very obviously spyware)?” On the reals, no matter how much the Streamonator rightfully hates Happ, I’d start anyone vs the Pirates.

Paul DeJong – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer. Colonel Mustard in the fast food restaurant with a fry!

Hoy Park – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. He was inexplicably given away by the Yanks. Though, in fairness to them, they never would’ve played Park. They have Wade! I’m not joking, they love playing Wade for some unexplainable reason. Park had 10 HRs, 8 SBs and .327 in Triple-A, and is hitting over-.300 in the majors. Might not be anything, but in deep leagues, you could do worse.

Sean Manaea – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.43. Feeling blue, Sean? Aw, I know how to cheer you up. A’la Annie, “The Sean will come out to Manaea…”

Seth Brown – 2-for-3 and a slam (14) and legs (3). His Ks aren’t terrible, and his batting average and BABIP are. My guess is he hits everything in the air and even if he knocks 20% of the balls out of the stadium, he’s still making outs the other 40% of the time.

Triston McKenzie – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.66. At some point, I bailed on this Strong Bean, and won’t go back until next year. Maybe it’s his hilariously awful ERA.

Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.87. You thought you could go against the 1927 Giants? Please.

Alex Wood – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.22. Against the Dbags? Makes me think Alex was the real Dbag all along.

Buster Posey – 2-for-2, 3 runs and his 14th homer. Anyone else notice in the Giants’ lineup that right below the Belt is the Posey? *doorbell rings* Hello? You’re the Cancel Police? But I’m just the messenger! Let me go! Help!

Jose Abreu – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer. Ever since I doubted whether Abreu could get to 30 homers this year, well, he’s done nothing but homer. Wish I doubted whether he could get to 40 homers. I just realized something. If last year was any indication, Jose Abreu is the best last-60-games-of-the-season hitter in the majors.

Griffin Jax – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.45. What on earth is a Griffin Jax? Sounds like a Disney star. Griffin Jax will be signing autographs outside the Wetzel’s on the 2nd floor from 2-4? *screams* “I can’t believe the star of Josh & Gem will be in our food court!” Any hoo! Jax sux.

Brandon Lowe – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 25th homer, hitting .227. In his last 162 games, he has 39 homers. Is that good? That’s your cue to nod.

Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. As Scooby Doo says, “Renfroe!”

Matt Barnes – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.52, as he continues to absolutely suck. As I said the other day, the Red Sox secretly don’t want to compete, so who knows, but Ottavino is just sitting there, ready to face anyone from Babe Ruth to current-day players.

Raimel Tapia – Hit the IL with a toe sprain. Called up to replace him is Taylor Motter. Fun fact! Taylor Motter used to go to Camp Granada.

Jon Gray – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.85. Doing the “He loves, he loves me not” but instead of plucking petals off a daisy, I’m pulling fingernails out.

Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.59. Streamonator loved Odorizzi in this start, and hates his next one, and I’m willing to trust fall into the robot’s arms.

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-5 and his 25th homer. I’ll be honest, I was beginning to use him only against lefties, which isn’t ideal. He’s been pretty poor since he came on like a wild stallion chasing a pony wearing a carrot costume (totally a popular saying).

Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.05. The worst stat of Gilbert? His ERA. He’s pitching well, guys and five ladies. 10.3 K/9, 2.2 BB/9, 3.28 FIP, ~62% first strike, but only ~74% contact. Have a feeling I’m going to be talking a lot about him this offseason.

Kyle Seager – 1-for-5 and his 25th homer. As he ran the bases, he was seen muttering, “Why does my mom love Corey more?”

Mitch Haniger – 2-for-5 and his 26th homer, hitting .262. Crazy how much Haniger still seems to love the ball low and inside.

Mookie Betts – Sounds like he’s headed to the IL. Billy McKinney will be filling in for him, and even Billy McKinney isn’t happy to hear this news.

Corey Seager – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a homer. It’s unfair to make fun of Corey, since he’s been out a while, but why do I have to be fair? Corey Seager’s home run last night was what number on the year? Ha! He wishes! It was number five. His older scrub brother who no one ever wants had five homers by May 4th. His mom won’t like Kyle more than Corey or even the same amount, but that doesn’t mean we can’t.

Rhys Hoskins – Hit the IL with a left groin strain. His right groin wanted to keep plugging away, but alas.

Ross Stripling – Left yesterday’s game with an abdominal strain. That happens when you try to turn a 5-pack into a six pack. I know what’s up, brah. I hit the gym.

Jared Walsh – Didn’t get activated yesterday, but it sounds like he’s close. It’s pretty remarkable how quick he’s returning from an intercostal strain. I thought he wouldn’t be back for another two weeks at least. Walsh keeps proving me wrong after he proved me right. Stupid yin and yang of being right and wrong.

Mike Trout – Angels reported on Trout and said there was “no news.” Eloy and Luis Robert went through a cosplay of It’s A Wonderful Life where everyone imagined life without them, then they rehabbed for three months and both are now back before Mike Trout, so I am once again asking what is going on with Mike Trout?