My Doubleheader With Andres

And-Gim isn’t just Pam from The Office’s requested guest list plus one. And-Gim isn’t just someone remembering late their favorite characters on Taxi. “And-Gim And-Gim number nine, on the New York Transit Line, if my train goes off the track, pick him up, pick him up, pick him up! Back on the scene, crispy and clean, still 23 with an outside chance for 20/20/.300!” Okay, that last part didn’t rhyme. Yesterday, Andres Gimenez went (4-for-8, 5 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer, hitting .312) in the doubleheader. Gimenez is averaging about four homers a month, and has seven steals already this month. If he gets ten steals in a month, well, I don’t want to wake up Mr. Prorater — “Did you know your uncle spends more time on Facebook than Jonas Salk spent on polio?” — Oh, shut up, Mr. Prorater! Andres Gimenez is in that delicate area where if he loses just a little power and speed in 2023, then he becomes a 15/15 guy and that’s a little yawnstipating, but he’s also on the precipice of becoming a 20/30/.300 guy, and that’s top 25 overall guy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Randy Dobnak – Will begin a minor league rehab assignment. He’s got a sparkling 4.8 star Uber rating.

Xzavion Curry – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, as he was called up to start the 2nd game of the doubleheader for the Guardians. Curry was all around the plate, really knowing how to cumin-side.

Josh Naylor – Left the game with soreness in his ankle that he hurt brutally last year. Can’t swag if you can’t walk, we will stay on standby for more news.

Aaron Civale – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.63. That was a season-high for strikeouts. Streamonator loved this start of his, and hates his next one, and I don’t disagree. Me and the robot are simpatico.

Kerry Carpenter – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 1st career major league homer. Gave you a whole Kerry Carpenter fantasy already. It was written on the back side of a Bazooka Joe comic. Problem since then is Carpenter doesn’t seem to be playing every game.

Bryce Harper – Took batting practice at Citizens Bank. In the parking lot? By a teller? *intern whispers in ear* Oh! I see.

Corey Knebel – Hit the IL with a lat strain. This should open the Phils’ 7th inning up to all takers. Living up to Knebel’s massive failures will take some doing.

Noah Syndergaard – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.95. The Snyder Cut denotes a very long movie. The Synder cut is the cut-off when Noah reaches 75 pitches and needs to get pulled from the game.

Seranthony Dominguez – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.45, and his 9th save, as David Robertson (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.99) worked the 8th. It actually makes sense that adult contemporary ainger, Rob Thomson, would go with Dominguez over Robertson as the closer, but usually when a team goes out and gets a guy in a trade, they go with the new guy, so good on Thomson for doing the right thing. Now play Unwell.

Jonathan India – Was in the original lineup yesterday, but was scratched. I know this trick! He’s pulled this shizz every week this year. He pretends to be healthy on Monday, then I put him back in the lineup and by Tuesday he’s day-to-day with something and misses half the week. Not this time, India! No way! I benched him this week, and I don’t care! Get in the lineup today, and hit seven homers this week! Go ahead! I’m unaffected!

Jake Fraley – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, as he hit leadoff with India out. Fraley also had multiple hits the previous two games and might be a light schmotato. Really? F’raley!

Walker Buehler – Will undergo elbow surgery on August 23rd. Maybe then we’ll hear what kind of surgery. There’s a chance he needs Tommy John surgery, which would have people saying Buehler…Buehler…Buehler…with no answer until 2024.

Gavin Lux – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .297. Wonder if Lux can tap into more power and become Corey Seager Part Two, aka Morey Seager.

Freddy Peralta – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.21. Welp, he’s up to 92 pitches. Maybe finally his next start can be worthwhile.

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his…what number homer? Go ahead guess! How many do you think he has? C’mon! Guess! He hits 30 every year, there’s six weeks left so how many homers does he have? Wrong! He has nine. At 58 years of age, it’s finally caught up to him.

Josiah Gray – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.79. As someone who has had Gray all year — contractually obligated — this was the best start I remember from him, and, after looking at his game log, this was actually his 2nd best start. He still feels 12 months away. Could see being in on him next year, but he’s gonna be iffy for half the year.

Kyle Finnegan – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.47 as he got his 5th save, as Carl Edward Jr. (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.16) now works the 8th inning. *rips up Nats closer shares* I don’t know what Davey Martinez is doing. They’re a 100-loss team. They don’t need to play the 9th inning all cutesy. Just put one guy in the 9th!

Ian Happ – 2-for-3 and his 11th and 12th homer. That’s my kind of Happ’ening!

Ryan Mountcastle – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Change his surname to Mt. Castle, and it’s suddenly a critically acclaimed foreign animated film.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer. C’mon, Cake Batter put your cake into it!

Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 5th homer in the last week. Vinnie Pasketti! Hey, whaddya doin’? Your mother’s been calling!

Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.78. Can’t believe the size of the pile of crap I stepped in by drafting this guy in an NL-Only league, and having him count even though he signed with an AL team. He has no business being this solid. Shows you it’s better to be lucky than good.

Jose Urquidy – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Was thinking he’s a start everywhere, but looked at Streamonator anyway to see what it thought, and it does not think he’s an everyday start guy.

Luis Rengifo – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and his 2nd homer in five games. Meh, who needs Mike Trout?

Shohei Ohtani – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.69, 1-for-4. There was some talk in the comments yesterday about whether or not Ohtani would get a 2nd start this week. My guess is he will, but I’m also going to watch the Better Call Saul finale right now, so I’m not sure.

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.73. Speaking of better to be lucky, I drafted Castillo before there was word of a shoulder injury in the spring. Never would’ve drafted him after that was revealed, and I would’ve missed out on him.

Jesse Winker – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .229. He’s having a season that’s on par with two months from, say, Ozuna.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .245. Honestly, look at Winker’s home run total and look at Longoria’s. I mean, how long of a woof can we get for Winker?

Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.99 vs. Madison Bumgarner – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.37. This start was billed as, “Cobb ‘n Bum, we don’t judge here at Razzball.”

Christian Walker – 1-for-1 and his 28th homer. Imagine throwing a dollar at this guy in a deep league, and he’s out-homering Castellanos, J.D. Martinez and Yelich — combined!

Luis Guillorme – Out for three to four weeks. Buck Showalter said Brett Baty and Mark Vientos were not options to replace him. Showalter didn’t mention why he didn’t go to Zack Britton. By the way, I just googled Britton, because I forgot if he changed to Zach or Zack and I didn’t want to deadname him, and I found out his middle name is Grant. Ya know, as in Grant Britton. Is his dad’s name Union Jack, but he goes by U.K.? Any hoo! Eduardo Escobar should see everyday playing time now.

Carlos Carrasco – 2 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.92. He didn’t return after a rain delay, but a Mets’ beat writer said they saw Carrasco holding his side, and could have side tightness. Baseball reporting: Watching to see if a player is holding a weird part of his body.

William Contreras – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. Crazy, he’s actually only one homer behind his brother, and his brother has nearly 200 more plate appearances.

Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. The French Terminator said, “I’ll be back back back back,” as he mimed the baseball.

Spencer Strider – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.04. About as boring a start as Strider’s had. Gonna say it’s because of the rain delay. Did he grab his side? Did he grab Carrasco’s side?

Marcus Semien – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer. Rangers fired their manager, Chris Woodward, yesterday. Turns out when you spend $500 million in an offseason the expectations are better than 23 games out of first place in your division. Of the firing, Woodward said, “You just gotta Roll With It, baby.”

Glenn Otto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 4.96. Six walks and one strikeout. Otto Stinkling.

Nick Allen – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.92, as he shutdown the Padres. Padres are making me howl, bros and five sisters. On August 2nd: Can the Dodgers hold off the new-look Padres and win the division? On August 15th: Will the Padres make the postseason?

JJ Bleday – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. He’s got such an easy home run stroke I’m absolutely getting roped in. Plus, JJ Bleday is a top tier baseball name.

Joe Musgrove – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.98. Bdon and I discuss Musgrove inferior 2nd half numbers, which couldn’t have been predicted by anyone ever. You can watch us on Youtube today vs. waiting for podcast, if you like.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – His dad, Fernando Tatis Sr., illustrator and former player, said — and this is a real quote, “(Tatis Jr. used) a steroid that contained a spray called trofobol, (because) he got a fungus due to a haircut.” Ha, oh boy. His mistake was a janky haircut, okay? He went to Supercuts and they didn’t dry his hair, and he went outside and got fungus, this is getting more and more plausible. Fernando Tatis Jr. at a press conference, wearing a giant mushroom hat from Super Mario, “I’ve got fungus.” Then later, Fernando Tatis Jr., head under beauty salon hair dryer, yelling so the ladies can hear him, “Only fun guy I’m gonna be hearing about is at parties!” That’s right, he’s now Fungus The Jewels.