Adalberto Mondesi will have surgery on his shoulder and miss the next five to six months. *insert GIF of King Tommen falling out of the window* Mondesi likely won’t be ready for Opening Day. Cancel 2020. Don’t even want to go on. Please, don’t try to cheer me up. I’m wallowing! Let me wallow! Guess it’s better to get the injury out of the way now vs. in March. Ha, you thought I was being positive! Screw you for misreading my intentions! It’s not good news, this means his shoulder could re-injure at any point in 2020 and become a recurring issue. Give me a tissue. I already miss you. I’m a sad poet and aware of it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ronald Acuña Jr. – Shut down for the remainder of the season with a left groin strain. That’s bad news for those relying on him to bring in a championship, but good news for us who just get to imagine Acuña’s groin. *small purr, mimes frisky cat claws*
Randy Arozarena – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (1) and double legs (2, 3). Randy made the Diamondbacks his b*itch! Change their name to the Arozarena Diamondbacks. Or maybe the Randy Arizonas! Or perhaps the Arozarena Randybacks? You know what I’m sayin’, don’t be daft, punk. Damn, now I have One More Time stuck in my head.
Merrill Kelly – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.42. Member in the preseason when we (not you and I, but other we’s) were sloppily comparing Kelly to 2018 Mikolas? We go oop.
Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 51st homer. Albombso!
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.43. Streamonator liked this start–Kidding! No dur. DeGrom ends the year with 23 consecutive scoreless innings, and should likely win the Cy Young again. In arguably two of the greatest back-to-back pitcher seasons, he has 21 wins total. Gotta appreciate deGrom’s singlehanded refutation of the Win category.
Jeff McNeil – Fractured his forearm on a hit by pitch. Well, techinically, the pitch fractured his forearm. Stupid passive voice. That is an abrupt end of the season for McNeil. Guess this is his Irish goodbye.
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.05. This start was against the Yankees, and has to be seen for exactly what it is: the ultimate troll job. “Yo, Yanks, congrats on winning the division, see you in the playoffs, if, ya know, J.A. Happ and CC Sabathia pitching the 2nd thru 5th innings holds up.”
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week, so hot schmotato and all, but, seriously, what kind of infant-arm-power are you rocking to only get 20 homers in this juiced ball environment? Do you even lift, bro? Avisail has 20 homers in 483 ABs. Tommy La Stella had 16 homers in 283 ABs. Avisail has the same HR/AB as Freddy Garcia. *chef’s kiss*
Christian Vazquez – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. I’m currently writing up the recaps of each position that will begin their rollout next week. So, was writing up catchers (lowercase yay!), and, well, they’re not uppercase yay, but they were not that bad this year.
Mitch Moreland – 4-fofr-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. With the Red Sox packed up and writing apology letters to the Sons of Sam Horn, Moreland could see at-bats in the final weekend and he looks hot.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.52. Pretty solid year for Porcello. As in a solid that won’t flush.
Shane Bieber – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Boo! Not how I wanted to see Bieber go out this year, but, if he’s here to throw absolute disasters in the playoffs and scare everyone off him next year, I’m so here for it.
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-3 and his 23rd homer, and third homer in two games. I DON’T HAVE THE SHIFT KEY OR CAPS LOCK PRESSED. MY TYPING IS SO STRONG NOW IT’S JUST CAPS BECAUSE I REMOVED MY HAMATE BONE.
Welington Castillo – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Where’s the boeuf?! Oh, here he is.
Tyler Mahle – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.34. Now I know why they call him T. Mahle, because he ignited my ulcer like a Jamba Juice smoothie of ghost peppers.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-3 and his 49th homer. I have a rooting interest in Alonso winning the Home Run title, because I own him, but I do think it would be hilarious and a good troll of the MLB to have Eugenio win the title, just so in future years, when people talk about juiced balls, they can recount how Eugenio Suarez was the Home Run Champ, which is the least exciting name ever. It’s like, “1961 was Mantle and Maris! McGwrie and Sosa ruled ’98! How about Bonds in the early 2000’s?!” “Yeah, who was in 2019, the Year of the Home Run?” “Um, Eugenio Suarez.”
Ryan Braun – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 22nd homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Someone’s FedEx package arrived.
Eric Thames – 2-for-5 and his 24th homer, and the Brewers are about to go to Coors and they don’t really have any reason to not play Thames, so, if you need that last dying breath schmotato, I’d grab him.
Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-4, and his 20th and 21st homer. Recently went to look at active Jewish players in the MLB and I saw Rowdy Tellez. That surprised me. I guess his full last name is Tellezyouwanttobecomeadoctor.
Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.63, as he returned from an 80-game suspension. Okay, real question, whatever he was taking, does it stay in his system for, say, 81 games?
Ramon Laureano – 1-for-3 and his 23rd homer. Shame he was sidelined and missed time, because he could’ve had a 30/20/.300 season. Even with inflated helium balls that’s damn good.
Zack Greinke – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Greinke took a no-hitter into the 9th inning, but he’s said in the past that no-hitters seem like a hassle and he was prolly relieved to be relieved, so to speak. The Astros pitching is stupid. Stupid is good. Okay, they won’t face the Mariners in the playoffs, but c’mon. Good pitching shuts down good hitting and they have good hitting too. How do you not put them as huge favorites going into the playoffs? Can you tell I’m so excited for the playoffs? It’s when I get to sit back and watch baseball for eight hours a day and not have to worry about schmotatoes and the Streamonator.
Kyle Tucker – 1-for-3 and a slam (3) and legs (5), hitting .304. He has two slams and legs in his career in less than a month of play. Yes, slam and legs are a category now. Get ready for the sheer joy of owning Tucker next year or agony when the Astros leave him in the minors until June.
Kris Bryant – Done for the 2019 season. How long until rumors begin flying that he’s going to San Diego with Maddon? Will they wait until November?
Garrett Hampson – 2-for-5 and his 14th and 15th steal. Garrett Hampson out here winning people leagues in the final week. The one good side effect, if you don’t own him, is everyone who owns him now is going to have great memories of him during 2020 drafts and Bud Black will bench him for the entire month of April and screw them all.
Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Here’s a look inside my brain. All I can think about is if I owned Samardzija this year instead of last year in Tout, I’d be on my third straight championship. He screwed me last year by owning him, and this year by not owning him.
Randy Dobnak – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.59. Him or Berrios in the playoffs? I’m saying if you’re the Twins, not for your H2H team! Okay, fine, this start was vs. the Tigers and they didn’t make the playoffs, I don’t believe, let me check *blank stare* No, they didn’t.
Luis Arraez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .344. Shame he won’t qualify for the batting title, but odds of him winning a batting title at some point in his career are better than zero. (Might even be better than 20%.)
Brad Miller – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, and third homer in two games. I am not embarrassed to admit I picked up Brad Miller in one league. When it’s go time, Brad Miller is your man! And by ‘go time’ I mean the time when it’s time to go home and stop playing.
Drew Smyly – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 6.24. Smyly got to face a hungover Nats team, who were partying the night before due to them being one of the ten of thirty teams to make the playoffs. I’m gonna sound super curmudgeonly here, but do grown men really need to celebrate every single advancement in the playoffs? I get it. It’s a long season. Awesome. Did Jonas Salk douse his assistant with champagne when he created the polio vaccine? Does the guy at the car wash get the area between your seat and middle compartment extra clean, then put his goggles on, and scream, “Ready to party?!” Maybe I sound like I’m an alien here, but why are they celebrating anything? If you must, celebrate after the World Series. But after a Wild Card berth? Seriously? You need to shake Cold Duck into your friends’ eyes?